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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step-baby

527 replies

LateLatte · 24/09/2018 23:29

How long should a step-baby wait to meet its new baby sibling? Assuming baby and Mother are well and hospital/babies home is within 30 minutes of where the older sibling lives and can be dropped off by another family member?

OP posts:
Winterbella · 25/09/2018 16:28

Yes but is there any indication that OP's ex and his wife don't want her son involved?

I'd say only telling him the child was born a day and a half later would be that

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 16:29

winter that's not what happened though is it?

OP said it was 36 hours since DS was informed about the birth, which to me says they told him near on straight away.

Jaxtellerswife · 25/09/2018 16:29

My stepson couldn't meet his step sister for several days. It was following emergency surgery and mybpartner didn't tell his ex any details as it's my business.
I'd let her get settled, she may be trying to establish breastfeeding and doing that with teens or any other visitors is a pain to be honest.

Bluelady · 25/09/2018 16:30

No it doesn't mean that at all as you very well know. The vast majority of women aren't "poorly" after a normal delivery. Nor are the madonnas, sacred, special or anything else. Except on MN where a lot of them seem to be as precious as a Burma sapphire.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/09/2018 16:31

The baby was born yesterday and the OP doesn't know how the birth went so it's ridiculous to be questioning why her son hasn't been invited to see the baby imo.

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 16:32

Yes but is there any indication that OP's ex and his wife don't want her son involved?

I'd say only telling him the child was born a day and a half later would be that

OP's son was informed of the birth, the issue is that he hasn't yet been able to visit 36 hours later.

GunpowderGelatine · 25/09/2018 16:33

@Bluelady that's your opinion but you still haven't explained your point.

Women may not all be poorly but it's few and far between that aren't knackered. No one is obliged to accept visitors, and if you aren't the birthing mother you are a visitor

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 16:34

The vast majority of women aren't "poorly" after a normal delivery

no but i'd say most of them are knackered, bleeding and not able to comfortably sit down. Many will have had stitches, some will have had major abdo surgery...…

have some common sense, nobody is in there best shape 36 hours after birth

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 16:34

No it doesn't mean that at all as you very well know. The vast majority of women aren't "poorly" after a normal delivery. Nor are the madonnas, sacred, special or anything else. Except on MN where a lot of them seem to be as precious as a Burma sapphire.

Really?? I'm pretty sure a lot of new mothers are in a complete daze in the first couple of weeks, in pain, no sleep and reeling from the shock of having a baby and trying to get into a routine.

I know about 2 people who have been home and ready for visitors the next day.

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 16:34

@Johndoe10 why is my attitude rotten to the core? Because I think women should be a priority after giving birth confused

If you genuinely can’t get it after what you have posted there is no point in explaining it love.

Winterbella · 25/09/2018 16:35

Oh read that wrong. He wants to be involved if they are not careful he won't want a relationship at all with them which would be sad, so even if they simply don't want visitors surly explaining this to him would be better than just ignoring it.

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 16:39

I know about 2 people who have been home and ready for visitors the next day

I think this is the crux of the two arguments on here.

Clearly (some) of the SM on this thread see step kids are visitors - classed with mil, grandparents, friends,

Where are the other side see the SS as part of the core family unit.

And tbh that’s at the bottom of a lot of these step parenting threads isn’t it.

GunpowderGelatine · 25/09/2018 16:39

@Johndoe10 no I don't get it. At all.

Mothers come first after giving birth. That's pretty much the bottom line. So no I don't understand how this is a rotten attitude (unless you hate women then I can see why you'd loathe someone putting them first)

GunpowderGelatine · 25/09/2018 16:42

You can be part of the core family unit and still want a break from people visiting you when you've just got through possibly hours of pain, are bleeding, barely able to walk and likely sitting with your breasts out. Having visitors too soon can be damaging to women, but a step sibling will barely be affected having to wait a few days to see a newborn who won't change whatsoever in that time

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 16:43

*Clearly (some) of the SM on this thread see step kids are visitors - classed with mil, grandparents, friends,

Where are the other side see the SS as part of the core family unit*

erm, no. anyone who is visiting the hospital, who is not a) the baby or b) the mother is a visitor. That includes children, whoevers they are, inlaws and even the babys dad.

people visiting at home, to me, is anyone who does not live there. That would include DSS. If he did live there, obviously it would not.

funinthesun18 · 25/09/2018 16:44

Where are the other side see the SS as part of the core family unit.

Ah you see I do see my sdd as part of the core family unit. That’s why after giving birth and I just want a bit of space before everyone comes home (everyone meaning my own children and sdd), she would be treated exactly the same and told...
“Not right now. Tonight/tomorrow/in 2 days. See you soon”.

Not sure why one set of children should have special treatment.

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 16:45

Mothers come first after giving birth. That's pretty much the bottom line. So no I don't understand how this is a rotten attitude (unless you hate women then I can see why you'd loathe someone putting them first)

Why would I hate women, I am one. I have three daughters. I’m very active in my local feminist group. Just because I don’t agree with you, you are calling me a woman hater. It’s bizzare and really telling of your nature.

AssassinatedBeauty · 25/09/2018 16:45

There should be a lot more discussion of the fathers role in all this! He should be handling this and communicating what's going on, whilst his partner recovers with the new baby. He is not doing what he should be doing to help his elder child not feel left out, whilst also considering the needs of his partner and new baby.

Bluelady · 25/09/2018 16:47

What this amounts to is a fundamental disagreement about how the children of a partner are viewed. Mt stepchildren, who have been in my life for 20 years are key members of my family, they're not visitors. Whatever I'd do for the child I gave birth to (obviously a walk in the park compared with modern experiences), I'd do for my stepchildren. There's no difference. That clearly isn't the case for everyone.

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 16:47

flamingo so your dds is a visitor. Does he not class his dads home as his second home? You prove my point over and over again

Brazenhussy0 · 25/09/2018 16:48

Coming back, OP?

And yes, the woman who has just given birth and her newborn baby are the priority. It doesn't matter if it's a blended family or not. She will see family and friends when both her and her baby are ready to, not when others dictate.

Patience, empathy and compassion are sorely lacking for a few posters on this thread.

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 16:48

john no because he lives with us...…...

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 16:49

Blue sadly not every one feels and acts like that.

I’d like to believe that these couple of posters are not a true reflection on how step kids get treated

flamingofridays · 25/09/2018 16:50

john i'd like to believe people have empathy and understanding but clearly they don't....

must be awful being so cold hearted.

Johndoe10 · 25/09/2018 16:51

no because he lives with us...…

But going off your post, if he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to get through the door. Lucky him eh.....