...to be unsupportive to daughter who admits she had a one night stand to fall pregnant?

[PeteandPat]

although this is a sensitive topic for me it is an aibu so thought i would put it here. it isnt a very long story or full of detail but my daughter has never been in an actual relationship, she used to be quite overweight and i believe that played a part as to why but she lost a lot of weight when she went to university and did date someone during uni, but in the end it didnt work out. she is now 23 and is living in her own place doing well. she called me and told me she was pregnant 6 months ago, i was obviously shocked and asked what happened and she said she invited someone over she met and it just happened and it was a contraception error. i was obviously gutted for her but was supportive. some of the things she has been saying recently seemed unlikely with the circumstances, she has been just very organised with things, something id assume you wouldnt if you suddenly fell pregnant, knowing about the baby classes, just everything like that, nursery fees, etc so i said to her she seems awfully excited and not very worried and she admitted to me that she purposely planned to fall pregnant. i did shout at her. we argued. and in the end she said look mum its something ive wanted and you dont have to support me but obviously it would be nice if you would and im just gutted for her. i dont know if i should be less supportive around the whole thing and dont have anyone to ask

I feel sorry for the poor bloke who has been tricked in to this! Was he aware that she wasn’t using contraception? If so more fool him, but if not that was incredibly unfair of her.

While you might be shocked to discover her plan and how she went about it there's still going to be a new baby - your grandchild. It sounds like you want to be less supportive to show her you disapprove of how she went about it and punish her a bit. I think you can tell her you don't agree with certain aspects but still be there for her and hopefully enjoy your role as grandmother

honestly sleepy im unsure how it was with the guy involved, i dont know if hes aware or what, i havent actually spoken to my daughter since she told me as we just argued and i left.

You can’t change what has happened. She knows your views now but is it worth continuing annimosity over it? At the end of the day it may be less than ideal circumstances but it’s still your grandchild!

Wait til you see the baby. Then all the shouty feelings will melt away. No need to shout at your dd anyway, she's an independent adult who has no reason to put up with someone being unsupportive.

Has she told you why she felt she had to have a ONS to get pregnant? Why the sudden need for a baby and why did she think this is her only option? I guess what I mean is why does she not think she will meet someone and have children at some point? Hope that makes sense xx

She could have fallen pregnant either way. At least she is excited and prepared. You’re going to have a grandchild so there’s not much point arguing over it.

Ah the old tricked him trope. If he didn't want the risk of a baby then he should have abstained.

She sounds like an idiot and very irresponsible. I feel for the child tbh.

she says she doesnt see the need to tie a baby to a man and if a man comes along thats a bonus but she doesnt long for a man in her life. i was a bit surprised as surely a baby is the result of a man and women, call me old fashioned. yes i know i will be a grandmother but i can still be mad at my daughter she is only 23 and yes she is prepared but i dont think that changes anything.

Well firstly You sound very shallow, tbh. There are plenty of over weight women out there in relationships. You're living in the 90s. You don't have to be a size 6 the get on. There is a baby your GC that is going to be born in 3 months and There is nothing you can do aside from make the best out of it. This is the real world and not all babies are conceived under the moon light listening to love songs.

Why is being overweight so important?
Also, why is it her, 'tricking ' a man? He could've used a condom!
I think you are embarrassed by your dd, which is a shame for her. If your dd wrote a thread I'd advise her to stop telling you about her life. She needs support not judgment.

I think yabu . At 23 she is old enough to make her own decisions regardless of your opinion. I would support her. Your disapproval will not change the situation. It could affect your relationship. .. that said privately you are entitled to your opinion.

The father has a right to know about the child, and the child about his/her father. Let’s hope he is a decent guy as she has just tied herself to him for 18 years even though they are not in a relationship!

Giving you the benefit of the doubt that this is real, then if he had a one night stand without using a condom then he must have been prepared for the chance that she could get pregnant so I wouldn't feel too sorry for him.

Sounds like she's got things sorted and doesn't need your help. If you don't want to support her you don't have to but don't expect to keep her in your life.

Well, it isn't up to you. Yes, it tends to take two to make a baby, but it doesn't have to take 2 to birth and raise one.You may not agree with this, but she doesn't have to pay any heed.

Even putting aside the whole “tricked him” thing, if this was an anonymous one night stand and she doesn’t have the guy’s contact details or even full name, then she’s also robbed the child of both a relationship with their father and that side of his family, and knowledge of where they come from. Even a sperm bank would give some cursory information on his health and background, both things this child is potentially going to go through life without.

i didnt mean she could get a relationship because she was bigger but she wouldnt have been in one when bigger i knew how she felt. but she is no longer overweight.

Well I hope you are prepared for you being mad at your daughter meaning you don’t get to know your granddaughter

Awwlook, I think the OP mentioned her daughter's weight in reference to her self-confidence levels rather than passing judgement on it. And what have the 90s got to do with anything..?

She will be fine...what's wrong with having a baby? The way she did it was off though. I'd be gutted for the man....not for your dd.

YA totally unreasonable. There's no need to shout at her or be confrontational. You can express your surprise and that you don't agree with what she's done without being unpleasant and unsupportive of her pregnancy. The baby will be here soon and hasn't asked for any of this, and a kind, supportive, involved grandmother would be a good thing.

And as for the father, if he's prepared to have a one night stand with a stranger, and not at least use a condom then a resulting pregnancy is not a massive shock!

@PeteandPat I think you are right to be worried. It doesn't sound very healthy and there are plenty of ways she could have had a baby alone without involving someone who didn't know the whole situation (sperm donation etc). I think you need to have a chat with your daughter about why this has happened and let her know that you will be supportive but also need to understand more. I'd push her to let this man know if he doesn't already as he and the child both deserve to know each other. I agree with other posters that he should have also been responsible for protection but if he asked her or was told she was on contraception then I guess he had no reason to doubt her. Please don't lose your daughter and grandchild over this :-) it sounds like she could really do with your help :-)

I feel sorry for the poor bloke who has been tricked in to this! Was he aware that she wasn’t using contraception? Man Has Unprotected Sex; Impregnates Woman Shocker! Don’t want to create a baby? Wear a condom. Tricked?!

It's her life. Some people want to raise a child alone. The main thing is that she wants this child. As for him, he chose to leave his semen inside her so anything that happens after that is his tough luck. He didn't have to do it.