...to be unsupportive to daughter who admits she had a one night stand to fall pregnant?

[PeteandPat]

although this is a sensitive topic for me it is an aibu so thought i would put it here. it isnt a very long story or full of detail but my daughter has never been in an actual relationship, she used to be quite overweight and i believe that played a part as to why but she lost a lot of weight when she went to university and did date someone during uni, but in the end it didnt work out. she is now 23 and is living in her own place doing well. she called me and told me she was pregnant 6 months ago, i was obviously shocked and asked what happened and she said she invited someone over she met and it just happened and it was a contraception error. i was obviously gutted for her but was supportive. some of the things she has been saying recently seemed unlikely with the circumstances, she has been just very organised with things, something id assume you wouldnt if you suddenly fell pregnant, knowing about the baby classes, just everything like that, nursery fees, etc so i said to her she seems awfully excited and not very worried and she admitted to me that she purposely planned to fall pregnant. i did shout at her. we argued. and in the end she said look mum its something ive wanted and you dont have to support me but obviously it would be nice if you would and im just gutted for her. i dont know if i should be less supportive around the whole thing and dont have anyone to ask

She's 23. Long since an adult. She can do what she likes. You're judgy as f*ck OP. YABU.

*clutching her pearls 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yes Gunpowder I did - thanks for asking.

She’s an adult you have no right to tell her off. She can’t go back in time and change how she went about things now.

It depends why you are cross really. Is it because she chose to get pregnant at 23 or because she tricked someone into it? I would be disappointed if she tricked someone into it (although he should have worn a condom anyway, it's not really tricking it's a bit like someone saying "It's alright you don't need to wear a seatbelt my car has airbags" you would still wear a seatbelt). If it's because she chose to get pregnant I don't think that's really any of your business. Which ever way she got pregnant what's done is done and you can't change it, be grateful that this baby is coming into the world very much wanted.

Of course you did DancingDot

The purpose of taxes is to support the other members of our society, as well as covering the shared costs of our community. So if she needs that support, job done.

Oh and Gunpowder,there is a massive difference between being left or widowed in pregnancy or afterwards and deliberately choosing to deprive your child of a second parent. Like it or not, it is better for children to have both parents involved in their lives (where it is safe and possible). And there is a massive difference between between being the child of a separated co-parent regardless of whether it is the women or man who chooses to separate, and being a child who has never been given the opportunity to have a father.

The purpose of taxes is to support the other members of our society, as well as covering the shared costs of our community. So if she needs that support, job done

Yeah, fuck it. Smash out as many crotch goblins as you can. Who needs personal responsibility, when the tax payers will "support" you.

I actually think its really weird that a woman that young should see this as her only acceptable course of action. The whole thing seems 'off' somehow. Hope it all works out ok.

I dumped a friend who came off her contraception and planned a 'surprise baby' with her husband of 20 years. (( they already had 3 dc )) I told her husband why as well.........it's the absolute worse thing a woman can do to a man and I think it's a lot more common than people realise.

@rudezebra That’s a pretty arrogant assumption. Maybe put your nasty generalisations back in their box.....

Very mixed responses here. I would have been so disappointed and I understand why you expressed this in anger. When my younger sister got pregnant on her honeymoon I cried because I felt she was so young and was in the middle of completing an important law qualification. Everything worked out well for her so I was over reacting but I still totally understand how you feel. However, for her to have done something so extreme kind of implies she was feeling very unfulfilled or lonely or something that runs a bit deeper than just being broody. You probably need to go to her now and make sure she is okay and offer your support even if you disapprove deep down. You will adore your grandchild and if she is set on doing this alone, she will value your love and support. No matter how hard it is, it isn’t worth falling out over long term,

Oh and Gunpowder,there is a massive difference between being left or widowed in pregnancy or afterwards and deliberately choosing to deprive your child of a second parent

Is there? Not to the child, they still have no father. What you mean is the woman in some cases should be shamed and punished but not in others. Do you not think the father should have taken responsibility for his own contraception? These kind of attitudes make me think what the people who put women in Magdalen Laundries must have been like.

OP, what exactly do you want your DD to say? That she's awful and dreadful and ashamed? Let this go. There going to be a baby and she'll need your support

I would be mad as hell if either of my children presented me with a grandchild that they expected me to support. What sort of support does she want ... financial, childcare ... what exactly?

Actually Gunpowder where I live STI's are checked as a matter of course during antenatal screening. But if you are suggesting that people who are in long term relationships and are trying to conceive as a couple are as likely to catch sti's as people having unprotected sex with strangers, then I'd like to see some stats to back it up.

I’m afraid I find her behaviour quite disgusting. I’d be very upset if one of mine had done anything similar. I can see why you’d want to be unsupportive and not condone her actions. That said, there is a child, your grandchild and I’m not sure I could walk away from a baby leaving it with an immature and inconsequential mother.

Ah the old tricked him trope. If he didn't want the risk of a baby then he should have abstained. There's a Nicholas Cage movie where he plays a con-man, at some point he gets extremely angry at being accused of wrongdoing, he yells that he didn't steal people's money, they gave it to him.

@RudeZebra are you a crotch goblin then? Your kids? Or are you special and amazing for some reason?

would be mad as hell if either of my children presented me with a grandchild that they expected me to support. What sort of support does she want ... financial, childcare ... what exactly?

Fuck me, I thought I had a shit mother, your poor kids! There's this thing called emotional support, nice people give it to their kids, even in imperfect situations

But if you are suggesting that people who are in long term relationships and are trying to conceive as a couple are as likely to catch sti's as people having unprotected sex with strangers, then I'd like to see some stats to back it up.

😂😂 are you serious?show me some stats (which I doubt even exist) that prove they aren't

OP I think this is one where what's done is done, so you have to deal with it. However I do think that you are OK to just be a 'normal' grandmother - by which I mean visit, play with the baby, give presents etc, but if you find that there is an assumption that you'll be doing childcare when the baby is sick but she has to go to work, or when she wants a night out with her friends, then it's fine to decide whether or not you want to do it. And if you don't, feel free to say so. There are two sides to the argument that she's an adult and can make her own choices, it also means that she has to have plans in place for dealing with the consequences of that choice. PS Apologies for no paragraphs, there's a thread about not being able to use carriage return in posts and it's happening to me too.

I think life is so much easier in all ways with a good partner/husband. Of course for many people these days that is not possible, but it does not make my original statement untrue. Of course a bad partner is a drain and not desirable, but that does not alter the fact that a good marriage/partnership is the thing most people aspire to in life, for themselves, their children and the wider family relationships. So I don’t think you are being unreasonable for being upset about your daughters choice OP. I don’t believe you are upset for yourself, you are upset and worried for her. Life throws us many curve balls, her expectation of and idyllic life as a single parent may come true, but the chances are she has made a choice that will throw many hardships in her way. In all honesty I would say she has made a bad choice, so like you OP I would feel sad and worried for her.

Of course I think that the father should have taken responsibility for contraception. My main sympathy and concern here is for the child. Both of the parents are responsible for the child's conception, both should be responsible for it's upbringing. To take that away from the child is appalling.

In the end, you are going to be a grandma OP. Maybe the circumstances aren’t ideal but you love your daughter and you will love your dgd I’m sure. So why spoil your dd’s pregnancy over an argument that isn’t going to achieve anything.