...to be unsupportive to daughter who admits she had a one night stand to fall pregnant?

[PeteandPat]

although this is a sensitive topic for me it is an aibu so thought i would put it here. it isnt a very long story or full of detail but my daughter has never been in an actual relationship, she used to be quite overweight and i believe that played a part as to why but she lost a lot of weight when she went to university and did date someone during uni, but in the end it didnt work out. she is now 23 and is living in her own place doing well. she called me and told me she was pregnant 6 months ago, i was obviously shocked and asked what happened and she said she invited someone over she met and it just happened and it was a contraception error. i was obviously gutted for her but was supportive. some of the things she has been saying recently seemed unlikely with the circumstances, she has been just very organised with things, something id assume you wouldnt if you suddenly fell pregnant, knowing about the baby classes, just everything like that, nursery fees, etc so i said to her she seems awfully excited and not very worried and she admitted to me that she purposely planned to fall pregnant. i did shout at her. we argued. and in the end she said look mum its something ive wanted and you dont have to support me but obviously it would be nice if you would and im just gutted for her. i dont know if i should be less supportive around the whole thing and dont have anyone to ask

If he didn't want the risk of a baby then he should have abstained to be fair we don’t know that he didn’t use a condom that split. Or that OP’s daughter didnt lie and say she was on the pill (yes he should have still had his wits about him and worn a condom but that doesn’t take away how disgusting it is to tell someone you’re using contraception when you’re not and ‘trick’ them, are we saying that women who have sex with a guy in the dark who says he has a condom on and doesn’t are in the wrong for not being on the pill anyway or for not abstaining??)

Apparently I'm alone but I think your daughter sounds incredibly immature and selfish. Being a parent means putting your kids first and deliberately getting pregnant on a one night stand doesn't seem very motherly. Accidents happen but this wasn't an accident. This baby will start life without a father and that's a loss.

yes i think knowing more about the guy would porbably be helpful, im unsure who he is, if he knows, etc but then im sure she will be quick to tell me its not my business but that is my grandchilds dad after all so i dont know. i just feel 23 is so young, she had a career ahead of her she is still only on 20k a year but tells me she has it all planned out and would never have done this if she hadnt but im not convinced, i know ahouting and arguing didnt get us anywhere but maybe shell see what her actions have caused

What an awful thing did her to do, I’m not surprised you’re mad!

@Jlynhope not alone I agree :-) I think it's worrying and that their may be other agendas at play here. Why would a 23 year old woman suddenly decide this was a good idea?

What is you being unsupportive supposed to achieve?

Why on earth is it your business to shout at her for her adult choices? She's 23 not 13! I hope she doesn't tell you who the dad is, clearly you'd go trotting off to drag him into it.

At 23 she's an adult and entitled to make her own decisions. Even decisions that seem foolish. There is no evidence that she has "tricked" anyone into impregnating her as other posters are assuming. Maybe she told him she was on the pill, but maybe not. If he was happy to agree to unprotected sex then he agreed to accept the risk of pregnancy. Regardless, if you decide to stay angry and stop supporting her then what will that achieve? The baby is coming now and how it came into the world isn't what's important here.

I agree it is not ideal. How does she expect to support herself and her baby while on maternity leave and after when presumably she has to return to work? As a grandmother myself though I defy anyone to turn their back on their children or grandchildren. Be wary of doing too much for her though or she will never learn to take responsibility for her actions. She may have a plan.

I’d they didn’t use a condom and she accident got pregnant then that’s their own fault. But she planned to use him to get pregnant. Of course that deceitful and trickery.

PeteandPat Mon 24-Sep-18 17:10:55
i didnt mean she could get a relationship because she was bigger but she wouldnt have been in one when bigger i knew how she felt. but she is no longer overweight.---(sorry, can't do paragraphs at the moment)............................................................................ I get what you meant, didn't think you were horrible PeteandPat and sympathise with how you feel which you expressed in your last post. Now, imo, make friends with your daughter again and give her all the support you can. In time you'll find out more but the important people in this scenario are your grandchild and your daughter.

peteandpat this has happened in my extended family, although the mother didn’t tell any one she was pregnant and got away with it because she is over weight. She is really flippant about the father. One minute it was an on line date, the next it’s some one else. You must feel disappointed and frustrated with her. My family member is incredibly difiant about the situation. However her dc is not brand new baby any more and she is really struggling with lack of sleep and support. I think she is starting to realise what she has done. Your daughters baby is going to really need you so try and look past your frustration and focus on the baby. What’s done is done.

You said you shouted and argued so I presume she knows your feelings on how she went about it. I think I would just support her now. She has her own place, job and seems to be taking responsibility by planning ahead. It's not what most people would want for their children but I think you need to just let that go and be there for her. She made a bad decision but that doesn't have to ruin your relationship.

On the bright side, you know that she is genuinely happy to be pregnant, and wants the baby she is having. Your concerns about how she went about it are valid, but at least you know she's not feeling trapped and unsure about being a mother.

Sounds like she needs your support even more than if it was an accident. She obviously feels that she is “unworthy” in some way to have done this at such a young age - I have a close friend who did this at 36 - biological clock!!

Your DD seems to have this all worked out but it does seem unfair to the babies father-maybe he would like a relationship with his child? Also hope she has childcare worked out and isn't expecting you to be her unpaid childminder!

Op you may not like her choices, BUT she is 23 years old, living independently and l presume, working.You have no right to shout and yell at her she is not a child. It is far from ideal but not being supportive achieves nothing at this stage.......she is still your daughter...

There is no evidence that she has "tricked" anyone into impregnating her as other posters are assuming. she first claimed contraception error and then admitted she had purposely fallen pregnant.

She’s pregnant whether you like it or not so I guess you have to choose whether you support your daughter or not. My mum would support me no matter what.

Is it really worth jeopardising your relationship with your DD and your future grandchild?

I feel sorry for the poor bloke who has been tricked in to this! Was he aware that she wasn’t using contraception?

Yeah it's not as if contraception is also his responsibility

Does it matter what circumstances your grandchild is born under OP? Be supportive to your daughter, you're acting like this is some great tragedy FFS, it's a baby, a wanted baby conceived by an independent woman in her 20s, it's good news.

I don’t think you can be blamed for being disappointed that your daughter seems to have been underhand. Do you know if she can financially support herself and the baby and whether her working hours will fit in around childcare? I think in the long term she is your daughter and this will be your grandchild so you should keep a relationship going. I think she would be cheeky if the support she was hoping to get from you involved any child care commitments or finance.

Wow I'm a little shocked at some of these replies... I completely agree with you op. Your dd has done something totally wrong and frankly disgusting. If my dd came to me with this I'd be mortified.

However what is done is done, you've had your say now and I think the best thing to do would be to be there for her. As prepared as she thinks she is for having a baby on her own, she is going to need your help.

yes i know i will be a grandmother but i can still be mad at my daughter

It's not your place or business to be mad at her. She's a grown woman not a teenager who's missed her curfew you have no right to be mad about her choices. If she was going out robbing houses it would be one thing but pregnancy is hardly comparable.

My advice is to make up with her. If you miss your grandchild's first few weeks/months/years you'll never forgive yourself

Being a parent means putting your kids first and deliberately getting pregnant on a one night stand doesn't seem very motherly. How she became pregnant makes no difference in her ability to raise the child or how 'motherly' she is. She wants the baby, that's the most important thing here, that makes her motherly enough. OP, I had a baby on only 20k a year (and not much older than your DD). Yes I have a DP, but if he left then it would just us. She wants the baby, she's an adult who made a decision, whether you agree with it or not is irrelevant. If you choose not to support her then you miss out on your GC. And yes, thinking a baby needs 'a mother and a father' is ridiculously out fashioned, I know many single moms who are better at parenting than many married couples.