...to be unsupportive to daughter who admits she had a one night stand to fall pregnant?

[PeteandPat]

although this is a sensitive topic for me it is an aibu so thought i would put it here. it isnt a very long story or full of detail but my daughter has never been in an actual relationship, she used to be quite overweight and i believe that played a part as to why but she lost a lot of weight when she went to university and did date someone during uni, but in the end it didnt work out. she is now 23 and is living in her own place doing well. she called me and told me she was pregnant 6 months ago, i was obviously shocked and asked what happened and she said she invited someone over she met and it just happened and it was a contraception error. i was obviously gutted for her but was supportive. some of the things she has been saying recently seemed unlikely with the circumstances, she has been just very organised with things, something id assume you wouldnt if you suddenly fell pregnant, knowing about the baby classes, just everything like that, nursery fees, etc so i said to her she seems awfully excited and not very worried and she admitted to me that she purposely planned to fall pregnant. i did shout at her. we argued. and in the end she said look mum its something ive wanted and you dont have to support me but obviously it would be nice if you would and im just gutted for her. i dont know if i should be less supportive around the whole thing and dont have anyone to ask

Old fashioned not out

She won’t be the first, or the last woman to do this, to deliberately get pregnant. There are far better ways of doing this, except it would probably be costly and time consuming. Far better to shag about and hope for the best. She will also have to deal with the father and also what she’ll say to the child, it’s a bit of a mind field with regards to when the child is old enough and starts getting curious about her father. Not really fair on them. As for supporting her, that’s your call. I’d certainly look differently on helping someone out who accidentally got pregnant and didn’t want a termination, and someone who planned to be a single parent. In your shoes I’d feel pissed off she’d lied rather than the pregnancy

Would you feel differently if you knew she had gone to sperm donor bank to conceive her child, OP?

That sounds hard. I have a 23 year old, some are very grown up and some you know you always end up bailing out. Hopefully your daughter is the former. I would now text/ call and move on from the argument. Don’t bother pushing about the Dad etc if she wants to tell you then she will in her own time. Although he choice in getting pregnant to me and to you sounds a pretty hard and unsupported way she is not yet a mother so doesn’t know that you mostly feel sorry I expect for choosing a harder route. Try to look at the positives .

if he had a one night stand without using a condom then he must have been prepared for the chance that she could get pregnant so I wouldn't feel too sorry for him. Maybe he did use a condom but didn’t take it away with him when he left......

It's her life. Some people want to raise a child alone Except it isn't JUST her life is it? It is the life of a child who will potentially know nothing about their biological father and will have all of the disadvantages of growing up without a father and an entire second family support system. It is the life of a man who might just end up finding out about a child that he didn't know existed...or who might never be given the opportunity to be a father if this is kept from him. She is being utterly selfish and immature - what she wants she gets regardless of the consequences anyone else. Not an ideal attitude for a parent to have. I'd also make sure that she has been tested for STD's. Some can be passed onto children.

OP you're angry she did this purposefully but for her and the baby (not the man!) isn't it actually better that this was an active decision to create a life that she definately wants? if you're concerned about anything let it be about sti's if she's slept with numerous men unprotected to get pregnant. If you decide to be less supportive, it's your relationships at risk. If she realises "what she's done" what difference will it make? She's too far along for an abortion and doesn't sound like she'd want the baby adopted so she's still here, 7? months pregnant with a child. What do you hope to achieve by beingess supportive?

She did not trick anyone. The father made a contraceptive choice as did your daughter. If it was a one night stand he had no reason to take her word for it if she had said she was using contraception and he should have taken responsibility for himself, for sti's along with potential pregnancy. Getting angry will change nothing and will only damage your relationship with your daughter and grandchild. Support her rather than judge her.

Being a parent means putting your kids first Yes, it does. Doesn't it.

I'm not surprised you're angry, that was a very poor and selfish decision on her part. I'm not sure I could be supportive if it's true she has tricked the father.

Well... what she did was very irresponsible but I'm assuming the man did not wear a condom, in which case there is no need to feel sorry for him as he knew the risks when he had unprotected sex, whether she lied about contraception or not. I do hope he is aware he is going to be a father though as he has every right to be part of the child's life if he wants.

However mad you may be OP, isn't it better that she is organised and she is attending the classes and is actually happy about being pregnant rather than worried, panicked and resentful over an unwanted pregnancy?

Maybe he did use a condom but didn’t take it away with him when he left

God do men really do that? How pathetic.

it's a baby, a wanted baby conceived by an independent woman in her 20s, it's good news Not to the tax payer

I find it quite offensive that people are acting like a life without a father is the worst thing that can happen to a child. You do realise some women get abandoned by men in pregnancy, or become widows? Or is it not as virtuous a life if a woman was the one who chose the single life? Some of you lot sounds like a bunch of Catholic nuns

What have her actions caused? A pregnancy that she wants? She wants to have a baby and now that is what is going to happen. She's not involving the dad by the sounds of things and we could argue the toss about her approach to that but the bottom line is this is her decision to have a child at 23 (many women have done this). It's not an easy road and I'm sure, despite her planning, it will throw her plenty of curve balls. But she'll manage. Many women have gone before her. Now that you've got the argument out of the way why not get on board with being her mum and a soon to be gran. Or are you going to bin your daughter because she's not living her life as you would choose her to.

@DancingDot did you get tested for STDs when you got pregnant?

Am I the only one who thinks it’s rotten to deliberately get pregnant when you don’t know the man and have no intentions of telling him?

Contraception is a 2 way street and especially if a ons, men should be accountable. I think she should tell the father and see what role, if any, he could take. She is 23, doing well at work and has her own flat so not a teenager without a clue or direction. it's great that she is an organised young woman who is aware of nursery fees baby classes and the like. This is her choice and while you may not see it as ideal she is happy and committed to the baby. If I were you, I would support her and my future grandchild in anyway I could. By the way overweight people have relationships and even sex too.

Am I the only one who thinks it’s rotten to deliberately get pregnant when you don’t know the man and have no intentions of telling him?. No

GunpowderGelatine It's not the worst thing that can happen but it's exceptionally selfish to deny the child and their father a relationship because someone decided they wanted a baby like a child is some sort of life accessory.

@RudeZebra erm.... why? Bit judgy just assume as a single parent she will just claim benefits. I know plenty of single parents that work full time and pay their own way.

Not to the tax payer

Do you make all your life decision with the 'tax payer' (one of which will be the OP's daughter) as a priority? Do you have children yourself? If so do you realise by your logic it's a bad thing your kids eerie born because muh taxpayer.

God some of you belong in the Daily Mail offices

And yes, thinking a baby needs 'a mother and a father' is ridiculously out fashioned In an ideal world yes I think a child should have a mother and a father. And yes, I was raised by a single mother. Never knowing your biological father is a huge loss. I know amazing single moms, and crappy married couples, it is still ideal to have two parents though. I had a biological uncle find me with life saving genetic information. There are consequences to not knowing where you come from and biological information that goes along with that.

@MaisyPops we don't actually know that the father isn't involved, or if he's chosen not to be, because the OP has been too busy clutching her face and making cat's bum mouth at her daughter to actually find out.

OP do you feel your DD would rely on you if she found parenting hard? Would she rely on you financially? That might also be shaping how you feel about all this. I can understand it's a shock, it's also sad that the baby maybe won't know it's father - as it grows it will have questions as to why and any feelings that come with that. I would for now not row about it as that's not really going to help, but talk to your DD about how she feels going forward.