...to be unsupportive to daughter who admits she had a one night stand to fall pregnant?

[PeteandPat]

although this is a sensitive topic for me it is an aibu so thought i would put it here. it isnt a very long story or full of detail but my daughter has never been in an actual relationship, she used to be quite overweight and i believe that played a part as to why but she lost a lot of weight when she went to university and did date someone during uni, but in the end it didnt work out. she is now 23 and is living in her own place doing well. she called me and told me she was pregnant 6 months ago, i was obviously shocked and asked what happened and she said she invited someone over she met and it just happened and it was a contraception error. i was obviously gutted for her but was supportive. some of the things she has been saying recently seemed unlikely with the circumstances, she has been just very organised with things, something id assume you wouldnt if you suddenly fell pregnant, knowing about the baby classes, just everything like that, nursery fees, etc so i said to her she seems awfully excited and not very worried and she admitted to me that she purposely planned to fall pregnant. i did shout at her. we argued. and in the end she said look mum its something ive wanted and you dont have to support me but obviously it would be nice if you would and im just gutted for her. i dont know if i should be less supportive around the whole thing and dont have anyone to ask

This happened in my extended family too. The woman had a series of ONS till she got pregnant. In fairness, she's been a very good mum but... the child is now 13 and desperate to know who her father is. The mother can't give her idea because she doesn't know herself. It's a mess.

Morty I agree no assumptions should be made on reliance for childcare etc, by anybody, WRT their parents. But if the OP would have looked after a baby should her DD have been married, but refuses to in this situation, then that's just petty and cruel.

A wanted pregnancy is better than an unwanted one. Why would you be happier if your daughter was stressed and worried rather than happy and organised?
A man not using protection is not a tricked or trapped man.
I think you need to become less invested in the circumstances of your DD's unprotected sex and focus on the grandchild you're about have.

I went through this with my mum (not the same facts but unplanned pregnancy which in my parent's culture was a big no no). It took a long time for my relationship with my mum to heal and I've sworn to myself that I will never be as judgmental with my children when they are adults. The lack of support form the person I trusted the most and had leaned on in my most difficult times was hurtful and stressful during what was already a difficult and confusing time. It's really not worth it...our relationship will never be the same again. My mum was my best friend...now we are close again, but I don't trust her enough to call her my best friend anymore. In the back of my mind is always going to be the fact that she could remove her love and support again if I don;t live my life according to her values. Your daughter needs your support...now is not the time to take the moral highground.

She claimed contraception error to her mother Maisy. We have no information about any contraceptive discussions between her and the bloke.

Congratulations on becoming a grandmother. Your next move will determine what your relationship with your grandchild is likely to be. Choose wisely. Whilst unconventional your daughter is a grown up who made a decision to start a family and seems to be cracking on responsibly. She isn't asking you to co-parenting, but she would probably love to know you're on her side. Does it really matter how she conceived? If you have questions about the father's involvement ask them but don't judge and be grateful that your daughter felt she could be honest with you. It shows you have a good relationship and you did a great job as her mum. I'm sure you'll be just as good a grandma

This will be your grandchild so be careful not to be too judgmental as it will be held against you later.

Oh and a derail to the thread. Mothers of sons, give your sons the consequences talk when they hit their teens. I made sure to tell all my sons that they would encounter situations where emotions or effects of alcohol might blur their decision making. I made sure they knew that a baby could result from that and also that not only might they never see that baby again but neither would we as the grandparents and that would be a great sadness to all concerned. I am relieved that they are all now adult and married so hopefully I can rest easy on that score but nothing is ever certain in life. Sorry to derail, but mother’s of sons this is and important conversation to have.

I'm pregnant by accident at 22 and I know lots of things how much nursery is (and that I can't afford it I'm just my salary), what an episiotomy is, the different car seat groups, how applying for schools works. I definitely didn't get pregnant on purpose (I also know about all the different contraceptives and about how abortions are carried out). I just spent too much time on MN and have a desire to know everything so have gained a lot of knowledge that is now very useful.

Getting pregnant purposefully by someone random who doesn't want a baby and you presumably won't keep touch with is a shitty thing to do. For the father and the baby.

Regardless of your feelings there’s going to be a little baby at the centre of this. You’re going to be a grandma! Even if the circumstances aren’t ideal, a new member of the family is on the way. Also the mum to be is your daughter, despite her excitement she’s probably nervous and aware of the huge feat ahead of her as a single mum. She’ll need her own mum to support her.

@mantlepiece I absolutely agree and will be having the conversation with mine. Not a "women will trap you" bullshit conversation but "if you choose not to use protection don't be surprised if a pregnancy results and take responsibility if it does" conversation

It sounds like you're expecting her to be all doom and gloom about this pregnancy because you were under the impression it was a pregnancy caused contraceptive error. Women can have unplanned pregnancies and be excited! Don't feel gutted for someone because you don't like the happy news they received. She is happy, she wanted the baby and definitely isn't upset about having one. Don't put a downer on her pregnancy because it can severely negatively effect your relationship. YABU. Although I think it's wrong the way she went about, don't resent her for it.

Im with you OP. Im sure you will 'come round' when you see your Gc but that doesn't invalidate your quite reasonable feelings of being cross with her way of going about it.

Accidental single parethood is one thing. Intentional behaviour such as this without the father being informed and engaged with the plan is another.
That said I am making the assumption here that he asked or was told that a condom was not required as she lied about contraception to him to achieve her desired outcome.
If this is not the case then he deserves what happens / it's called the consequences of his actions.
Men really do need to take responsibility for their own fertility if they want to know who they are making children with !

I’d still be there for your dd OP, but I’d be less inclined to help out as this has been a conscious decision. An accident dental pregnancy (if there is such a thing) I’d be far more willing to assist with my time, effort and money than I would be with a conscious pregnancy. That’s not me withdrawing help, but if you’ve made a conscious dclecision then it’s really up to you to be able to provide for the child, have thought about work, childcare, finances etc beforehand. It’s a lot different to finding out you’re pregnant and not wanting a termination.

Still shocked that in the 21st century people still don't see contraception as both a woman AND a mans responiblitily

I would be wondering if the ONS thing was true as well. Maybe she bought sperm off the internet?

The baby is on the way now, if you support DD that would be better for the child who is blameless. It’s also likely this child will bring you an awful lot of happiness in the coming years.

Besides, from what you say DD appears to be handling this really well, organising baby classes and thinking about nursery and being responsible so it doesn’t sound like she won’t cope.

She called you and told you 6 months ago!

Thst must have been a shock, but have you expressed your disappointment/judgement/crossness this whole time??

Poor DD if so.

You need to find a way to let this go.
Of course she will always be your daughter, but between you, you need to figure out how your adult to adult relationship is going to work.

Maybe she bought sperm off the internet?

Sorry but I had imagines of a Yodel man delivering a box of semen

Sorry but I had imagines of a Yodel man delivering a box of semen grin

No it’s not like that! Hahaha. There was a TV show about it recently. The women find the men on the internet then call them when they’re ovulating and they come to their house and do their business in a cup.

Am I the only one who thinks it’s rotten to deliberately get pregnant when you don’t know the man and have no intentions of telling him?.
No.
She wanted a baby, the same way some people want a handbag or coat or holiday. The thing is, it's ok to want things. But a baby is a real life person. One who will grow up having wilfully been denied its father.
I was widowed at 26 and I had to watch my small children grow up without their father. The pain and sadness of being without a father, watching their sad faces at sports days and nativities, on fathers days etc is not anything I would wish on anyone. It's one thing to be a single parent/widow because of lifes circumstances. And quite another to create a life without thought to how being without a father will affect the child in years to come. She is being selfish and self centered.

@Geraldine170 no, not really??!! SO MANY safeguarding issues are pinging in my head right now!

Well your dd is an adult who makes her own choices but I can understand you being disappointed that she has had unprotected sex with at least one man but almost certainly more men she knows little about. She would have been very lucky for her plan to work and to fall of the very first time she had unprotected sex with someone.
My main concern at the moment would be advising her to get tested for STIs tbh.

Programme is here Gelatine, it’s quite an eye opener.

“Should I be less supportive of my daughter because I disagree with her choices?”

That’s a “No.” from me.