Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go on this holiday with DD?

111 replies

basketweaver2012 · 24/09/2018 09:21

I am really struggling with my 13 yr old DD.
She has always been testing and I know her hormones are all over but the last few years she has just become so horrible to everyone around her.
She will shout and carry on in public, she doesn't care, she will shout and scream at her siblings with no real reason and be really mean and every single time we go out it's always her that causes stress by being so ridiculously awkward and argumentative.
But she can flip to being lovely when she wants something in the blink of an eye but know it's all fake.
I'm really starting to dislike her and I know this makes me a horrible person. I'm so worn out with her outbursts and I'm hurt. It's hard to forget her usual behaviour when she is being pleasant.
We are due to go away for Xmas to a once in a lifetime holiday we've been saving up for for 2 years.
There are 20 of us going mainly DPs family too and I just know her behaviour is going to spoil the atmosphere when she is kicking off with DPs kids. Of course they are going to feel protective towards their own and feel cross with DD.
I really feel like pulling out and not going just to spare everyone my DD's behaviour.
It doesn't seem fair to potentially ruin other people's hard earned holiday too.
I've said if her behaviour doesn't improve she won't be going. She said fine she'll go stay with her dad.
What can I do to turn this round?
I know my attitude isn't helping. I bend over backwards to get kicked in the face on a daily basis and it's heart breaking. I worry that I'm going to loose my love for her 

OP posts:
Singlebutmarried · 24/09/2018 09:27

I’d send her to her dad. Have a nice holiday without the drama.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 24/09/2018 09:29

Yep, she gets to go to df's this Christmas.

thenightsky · 24/09/2018 09:30

She said herself she is fine with going to her dad's. Definitely do that.

Topseyt · 24/09/2018 09:31

Call her bluff here and send her to her Dad's.

Oakmaiden · 24/09/2018 09:34

She said herself she is fine with going to her dad's.

Just because she said it doesn't mean she is fine with it. I suspect she would be very hurt, but is trying to pretend she wouldn't care.

I don't know what the answer is, OP. My daughter is 14 is definitely the tricky one in our family too, looking to start fights just because she feels peevish. I think going without her would make things worse, not better, though.

Original poster
basketweaver2012 · 24/09/2018 09:36

I want her to be with us and deep down I know she would be devastated to be excluded and I fear she would hate me forever

OP posts:
juneau · 24/09/2018 09:38

I would send her to her dad's. I was a horrible teenage girl and if you take her, in spite of knowing what she is/will be like, you're giving her a treat that she's made it pretty clear she doesn't want or care about. So send her to her dad's. It's your DP's family's trip and if I were them I would feel resentful of YOU if it was your DD who ruined this once-in-a-lifetime trip for everyone else. You're going to feel anxious and stressed the whole time, just waiting for her to kick off, if you take her. Much better to just make a decision now and that's that. You know she's going to vile, so stop pandering to her.

CottonTailRabbit · 24/09/2018 09:40

The good old sticker chart can come back in teenage years you know. List the behaviours you want and don't want. Make it a small list. When she earns enough smiley faces she gets to join the holiday. Earn enough black marks, she doesn't go. Then it is clear who is at fault if she doesn't pull it together. 13 is still quite young.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 24/09/2018 09:40

Funnily enough the 'gobby teen' daughter of a friend of mine has just had a dressing down (( on facebook of all places )) from a friend of a similar age basically telling her to grow up and respect her mother.........it does seem to have had an affect !! Is there anyone she looks up to that could have a word and advise her to stop being a dick ??

YANBU btw. If sending her to her dads is an option then do it. It isn't fair to have one person spoil all holidays for everyone, if she can switch the behaviour off to get what she wants then she's perfectly capable of not doing it in the first place.

Havaina · 24/09/2018 09:40

I wouldn't ruin everyone's once in a lifetime holiday by taking her.

Could you tell her that she needs to improve her behaviour (i.e. no screaming, shouting, meanness) until the holiday, and if she doesn't behave, she's not going?

Has her place on the holiday been paid for?

Wolfiefan · 24/09/2018 09:41

You bend over backwards? Well stop that. What happens when she behaves badly? You don’t mention any consequences at all.

Thebluedog · 24/09/2018 09:41

I was that nightmare child at 13. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t I’m afraid. If you take her on holiday she’ll hate you for trying to control her and no doubt she’ll wheel out the ‘you don’t care about me, you only care about what other people think’ if you don’t take her and send her to her dads she’ll hate you for that too. So I’d be tempted to tell her it’s dads if she doesn’t buck her ideas up and stick to it.

Original poster
basketweaver2012 · 24/09/2018 09:42

Yes all paid for!

OP posts:
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 24/09/2018 09:42

My dd is nearly 12.Vast improvements in her behaviour if I follow through with a threat /promise!
Your dd is testing your limits.
Proving you mean what you say will go a long way. She won't hate you, quite the opposite ime.

Original poster
basketweaver2012 · 24/09/2018 09:49

I take her phone away but then she screams that she'll get abducted travelling to school and back so I end up giving her it back for the journey then taking it away when she's home. She gets herself into a crying panicking state
She doesn't do any activities anymore that I can pull.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 24/09/2018 09:55

So there’s no consequences and she’s learnt that by kicking off she gets exactly what she wants. That’s the problem. You need to stop caving in and follow through on consequences.

LittleMissPonsible · 24/09/2018 10:00

Tighten up boundaries now and religiously follow through on consequences so she will see you aren’t messing around - if you say she won’t be coming on the holiday she won’t be. If you’ve been bending over backwards for her she probably doesn’t think you’d actually leave her behind. Be specific about the negative behaviour you don’t want to see, give her a warning and if she persists, whatever consequences you have decided prior to this kick in, e.g. remove technology, treat withdrawn etc.

Alongside that I’d have a frank chat with her about the holiday. Tell her you love her, you don’t want to leave her behind but that there is no way she is coming on a holiday to spoil it for other people. Tell her the only person who can influence this is her - she chooses to behave in a unacceptable way beforehand then she is choosing to stay at home.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 24/09/2018 10:02

Is it possible to send her home early if she misbehaves? Also could others pull her up on bad behaviour?

LittleMissPonsible · 24/09/2018 10:02

The crying panicking state sounds like a temper tantrum. She goes to her room until she calms down. Tell her you can’t discuss the situation with her until she is calm.

Birdsgottafly · 24/09/2018 10:02

I had a nightmare 13 year old, by 15 she was a different Girl.

If you don't take her, there is going to be resentment and the rest.

If you were going with your DP, you could leave her at home. Going with your DP's children changes everything. You are, in her mind, going to be choosing your DP's Family over her.

Use other means to get her to calm down, not this holiday.

Beamur · 24/09/2018 10:08

No advice on the holiday, but this phase will pass. Be consistent with your rules though. Even the most horrible teens usually come out the other side.

Juells · 24/09/2018 10:10

Singlebutmarried

I’d send her to her dad. Have a nice holiday without the drama.

^^ this

A friend's daughter was like this, everyone put up with it and walked on eggshells around her throughout her teenage years, she ruled the roost. Now she's an adult life is very difficult because it turned out that she has MH problems. I don't think you should accept it's just hormones, there might be something more.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 24/09/2018 10:10

I have 11.5 year old DD and recognise the behaviours.

I've reverted to parenting how she was when she was an unreasonable toddler. Same method. Water off a duck's back, disengage with the mind game, always warm and available when needed. When she kicks off leave her to it. Then and now it always really helped me to think, they have to do this stuff, its a developmental stage. I also really seek out (or prioritise responding to) the times when she is receptive to being in company and having a nice time with me/her family. It is fucking hard but it makes it manageable.

There is no way I would consider excluding her from the holiday and I would immediately remove this from the list of sanctions. It's all escalating into something really massive.

The sanctions there are, however, would be followed through to the letter. Eg phone.

And generally stop pandering.

rosablue · 24/09/2018 10:11

Is she like this with her dad and at school?

Is her dad any good - could he have a word and say that you're worried sick because you think she is kicking off because she doesn't want to go on the holiday and that you really want her to go but also you want her to go and for every one to have a lovely time... Or anybody at school (teacher or student!) or anyone else that could talk to her?

Do you think she is worried about going with dp's family? Is it something that she would have wanted to have done with just you?

Have you told her that you love her dearly and fiercely but currently, you don't like [specific behaviour eg shouting and arguing in public] because [reason - eg makes everybody look at us, panic about what will happen next, if she will run away or get hit or whatever]. Also find out from her what she is thinking when she is doing this - why is she doing it, what reaction is she expecting to get, is she scared of something (eg you pushing her out so she's pushing herself out so she has control) - so many different reasons. And ask how she thinks she should be punished if/when she does kick off, for different things.

Sorry, so many questions, not many answers, but it sounds like you have your work cut out for you!

StartingAgain1 · 24/09/2018 10:13

If she really needs a phone for walking home get the most basic cheapest oldest pay as you go phone (no apps or intetnet on it) and give her that for the walk home then take it off her.
There must be something you can take off her, change the Wi-Fi password off, no going out with friends, start doing extra chores, if she has anything like a tablet take it away. Give a warning when she acts up then follow through. Always follow through with a consequence no matter what! Ignore screaming - send to her room til she calms down, if she's late for school she can deal with the consequences when she gets there.
Also praise good behaviour, if you go out and she hasn't kicked off make a point of saying "you was really well behaved today" "I really enjoyed spending time with you today" etc etc point out anything she does good!
I think you need to take her on the holiday or she's just going to feel resentful and pushed out.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.