To not go on this holiday with DD?

[basketweaver2012]

I am really struggling with my 13 yr old DD.
She has always been testing and I know her hormones are all over but the last few years she has just become so horrible to everyone around her.
She will shout and carry on in public, she doesn't care, she will shout and scream at her siblings with no real reason and be really mean and every single time we go out it's always her that causes stress by being so ridiculously awkward and argumentative.
But she can flip to being lovely when she wants something in the blink of an eye but know it's all fake.
I'm really starting to dislike her and I know this makes me a horrible person. I'm so worn out with her outbursts and I'm hurt. It's hard to forget her usual behaviour when she is being pleasant.
We are due to go away for Xmas to a once in a lifetime holiday we've been saving up for for 2 years.
There are 20 of us going mainly DPs family too and I just know her behaviour is going to spoil the atmosphere when she is kicking off with DPs kids. Of course they are going to feel protective towards their own and feel cross with DD.
I really feel like pulling out and not going just to spare everyone my DD's behaviour.
It doesn't seem fair to potentially ruin other people's hard earned holiday too.
I've said if her behaviour doesn't improve she won't be going. She said fine she'll go stay with her dad.
What can I do to turn this round?
I know my attitude isn't helping. I bend over backwards to get kicked in the face on a daily basis and it's heart breaking. I worry that I'm going to loose my love for her 

I'm generally not as hard on DPs kids as my ownfor method is the crux ofnthe problem. The way she would see it she is no-one's favourite. Her DF can't really be bothered and you have other kids and stepkids you seem to "prefer" ( to her mind) my solution to this would be for you to try and allocate some time to spend on your relationship. Can you plan in some mother/daughter time between the holiday and now? I would drop the holiday threat too. If she missed it then it doesn't matter what happens after that she will always know that you prevented her from having the holiday If a lifetime but her step siblings and maybe half siblings went.

Sorry bold fail.

@worridmum why don't you read my posts properly?
I've no idea how you've come up with your assumptions but you could not be further from the truth.

Thanks everyone for your advice.
We do have time together it's usually just very fraught.
Anyway we've had a lovely evening together just me and her, other DCs had activities
She's been lovely and we've been looking on google earth at all the places we plan to visit.
I know I need to not rise to her when she starts. She tells me to leave her alone but I hate doing that when she's off on one.
We've had no temper tonight which has been lovely.

@LongHotSummer24715 I'm sorry you're in the same boat also

Unlike most pp, I don't actually think this sounds like typical teen girl behaviour. As you say she has always been challenging then it might be worth reading what Tony Atwood has written about girls with autism to see if anything resonates.

That doesn't necessarily help with the holiday, but she sounds stressed and unable to deal with her own emotions so anything you can do to reduce anxiety about the holiday itself may help her cope better while you're away which would be beneficial for everyone.

I know I need to not rise to her when she starts. She tells me to leave her alone but I hate doing that when she's off on one.

Oops, sorry, posted too soon. I meant to say that I understand it's hard, but she's telling you what you need to do. Give her space, let her cool off. She's not a baby any more.

I haven't read the whole thread but is it possible that she is suffering from anxiety and/or depression? There are checklists that she can do on the NHS website to find out.

@basketweaver2012

Yes definitely give her space when she asks for it. This is why I tell my DD to go to her room to give her the space to calm down and think about how she is reacting to a situation she doesn't like.

She will normally come back and apologise with a bit of its so unfair, poor me but she is generally calmer and ready to talk then.

Otherwise you just get into a shouting match and that gets you nowhere.

Don't exclude her. Sit her down and give her an option. Frame it from her point of you so "I'd like you to come but you can choose" rather than an ultimatum. It may work to make her consider the implications.