To be jealous of my daughters lifestyle?

[rheak]

She’s 20 and studying at Cambridge. We pay all her living costs, her wealthy grandparents give spending money, and she takes a student loan.

Yes she works very hard, but compared to me growing up skint, she has a great life. As a student I ate noodles and had chips as a treat at the end of a hard week. DH stays at home, and I bring in just over £100k a year outside of London.

So this summer, she’s been on 3 short haul holidays abroad, 1 longhaul, and 2 in the UK.

Not only that, she’s stayed at nice places too, the type dh and I would take to for a special treat. I can’t differentiate between what’s being paid by her, or her friends rich parents. As I can’t see her really being willing to spend £800 a night at a hotel or pay for Business Class flights. She’s only worked 4 actual weeks at a job this entire year.

AIBU to be jealous of my own daughter ?!

ballseditupforever The average UK wage is just over £27K
OP is outside London earning £100 K
If OP's DH worked then the family income presumably could be significantly higher but they can afford to have one non earner. A luxury choice that most families don't have

To be fair, I’m quite impressed that you can pay living costs for her (presumably rent bills books etc) and support a SAHP on £100k a year. We couldn’t 🤷🏼‍♀️

We expect the next generation to have better opportunities than we had BUT when she's earning for herself will she be able to afford all of this? Will real life be disappointing?
Have you ever mentioned to her all of the sacrifices you had to make when you were young? I lived in a bedsit with cream crackers at month end. It might have felt grim at the time but I expect it was character building.

I'm jealous of your lifestyle, OP, and even more jealous of your blithe unawareness of how incredibly lucky you are. do you have any idea how few people can expect to earn 100K pa, even working like a dog? Posts like this honestly make me want to start singing The Red Flag.

Your daughter, from what you say, is third generation wealthy - of course she takes money for granted.

I don’t know, if she’s working hard at studying I’d just be proud of her. Cambridge is a hard working university.

Although... if she has no awareness of hardship I’d be teaching her that in some ways. Reducing her living expenses in year 2, but not year 3. Letting her choose a charity where that money will go instead.

Isn't this why we do it though, so our kids live better than we did? My kids are all wealthier than I was and I'm pleased about it.

She's essentially taking it on credit if she doesn't need a student loan but takes one anyway. That's going to be a a nice chunk out her salary when she does start working.

id be concerned where she is getting this sort of money, and hope that she wasnt funding it in a way that she might regret

Ennirem - awwww that takes me back, love that song. My Dad used to sing it to me.

Sorry but this OP doesn't really ring true for me

Well you're paying her living expenses so I'd nip that in the bud and go on the fancy long hauls yourself!

I wouldn't be jealous, I'd be worried - she seems unprepared for anything other than a free flowing well of money

Can't you fund a few holidays for yourself from your £100, 000 salary? That would pay for something more than a weekend in Butlins!

Meh, I'm not jealous. I'm proud of my roots and working class background. It's not as fashionable anymore to be loaded and living that kind of socialite life, people want to see hard work and self made success. Plus money doesn't equal happiness I think often those who spend a lot of it are trying to fill a void.

Hope she's not on one of those sugar daddy websites

You could cut her off for a bit over Xmas and tell her to go out get a job at a local pub or something it might be good for her she'll probably have absolutely no idea how the real world works, and how to deal varying types of people. Quite worrying at 20 really, extremely sheltered. Don't let her go on one if those ghastly voluntourist holidays to "find herself" building an unnecessary school in Uganda or something, loads of people at uni did that type of thing they were from mega rich families and it was cringe in the extreme.

@HesterMacaulay the point I was trying to make - badly - as I didn't actually say it! Is that 100k income in total is not far and away a luxury lifestyle. After paying into a pension etc (which is the morally correct thing to do so that you are not state reliant in the future) it is probably around £5k a month. I'm not saying that's not a sufficient amount to live a nice lifestyle on, but it's not enough to support an adult daughter in the way the OP describes.

As a family we have a substantially higher income than the OP and whilst we have some trappings of wealth (nice house, nice car etc) it's not the bottomless money pit of excess I sometimes see described on here.

It's interesting that some posters are so jealous of OP's lifestyle that they can't reply sensibly to her post about jealousy of her DD's lifestyle.

I find jealouy really repugnant and I'm not sure why so many people are prey to it.

That said, the OP is right to be concerned about her DD's high living and where the funding is coming from. Either DD is running up student debt on silly holidays that she will eventually have to pay off, or she's got some alternative source of income. The obvious options would be social media influencer stuff, sugar daddy website or drugs.

So yes I would be concerned too and I don't give a flying fuck about how much she earns or where her DD is at uni.

I'm sure it's all balanced out by having a mother like you!

And on that substantially higher income I wouldn't be able to afford it the holidays that the op's daughter has been on in one year - although it's much cheaper when you are only paying for yourself!!!!

My 5 get/got funding from me and no student loans at all so this girl in a sense is worse off than some. It's all relative. Perhaps if her father worked she might not have student loans.

I have never been jealous of my children and they work hard.

If you want lots of holidays abroad may be work harder to get your income well above £100k and take those holidays.

My children know that after university they need to get a job to support themselves. There is no magic money tree. If they like expensive things then they need high paid jobs.

I don't get all the jealousy either?

OP sad her husband is at home. I felt sorry for OP because she works while her husband is at home, even though their children are probably grown up or at secondary school.

I read it as the holidays were funded by rich parents of her uni friends? So they're taking her away with them and their adult child and paying for it. I'd hope my dd was at least buying them a nice meal or a bottle of wine or something to say thanks!

Like @ilovepixie, I think it's clear your daughter is on the game

Also, clever enough to get into Cambridge but not clever enough to have realised that, as she's fortunate enough not to have to work in the vac, she should be racking up future points by getting relevant work experience and internships under her belt. Ah well, luckily she's from a wealthy family and has wealthy friends, eh ?

Can you maybe talk to the grandparents and share your worries? They could adjust how much they contribute potentially. I made a chunk of money on a house recently that my parents lent me the deposit on. They are both resentful of it and it has really ruined our relationship so I would say put the relationship first and don’t let her know you are jealous in any way. It’s a complete headfuck for a child.