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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of my daughters lifestyle?

130 replies

rheak · 23/09/2018 19:57

She’s 20 and studying at Cambridge. We pay all her living costs, her wealthy grandparents give spending money, and she takes a student loan.

Yes she works very hard, but compared to me growing up skint, she has a great life. As a student I ate noodles and had chips as a treat at the end of a hard week. DH stays at home, and I bring in just over £100k a year outside of London.

So this summer, she’s been on 3 short haul holidays abroad, 1 longhaul, and 2 in the UK.

Not only that, she’s stayed at nice places too, the type dh and I would take to for a special treat. I can’t differentiate between what’s being paid by her, or her friends rich parents. As I can’t see her really being willing to spend £800 a night at a hotel or pay for Business Class flights. She’s only worked 4 actual weeks at a job this entire year.

AIBU to be jealous of my own daughter ?!

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 23/09/2018 20:25

I don't really understand where you're coming from. You say you're jealous of her lifestyle yet you help to fund it!
The solution is very simple: stop paying all her living costs. Talk to the grandparents perhaps about decreasing the amount they give her.
She is the product of your upbringing!

MinecraftHolmes · 23/09/2018 20:25

I'd be a bit worried if her lifestyle doesn't match up with what you know her income to be...

But generally, YABU. Wanting to give our children a better life is what motivates DH and I to work hard.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/09/2018 20:27

Isn't this all going to change when she graduates in 2019 or 2020?

Presumably she'll have to start paying her own bills then and it'll be a big shock...would be really better if she learned to live on less now in preparation for the realities of life.

My DC also have a lot more in material terms than DH and I had growing up, but I like being able to give them more.

MrsStrowman · 23/09/2018 20:28

If she has friends with wealthy parents who are organising family trips and say to their DD oh bring a friend and are happy to pay, let her enjoy it! I know Cambridge frown on term time employment but she should have holiday jobs at least. If you are paying her expenses and GPs are giving her a generous allowance why is she also taking a loan she'll have to pay back?

Mrsmadevans · 23/09/2018 20:29

I hope you get your moneys worth out of your DP OP Xmas Grin

prettypossums · 23/09/2018 20:31

I’d be worried that she’s enrolled on one of those sugar daddy sites or similar... agree that the friend’s parents claim is potentially dubious

Notsohorriblehistory · 23/09/2018 20:32

I’d be so so happy if this was my daughter at her age.

So happy. What a full fun life she’s enjoying.

Honestly, jealously would be very very far removed from my thinking.

HesterMacaulay · 23/09/2018 20:32

From what you've said, you and your DH could be doing those things and having that lifestyle if that was how you chose to spend your money. So YABU to feel jealous of your DD. In fact it strikes me as quite odd to be jealous of anything good that your DC have especially when you are contributing significantly to it by paying all her living expenses.

Whether or not you should be feeling concerned for her is another matter.

Is this a lifestyle she can afford? Is she ungrateful? Is she bad with money? Is she setting herself up for problems in the future? I don't know. But jealousy seems an odd reaction.

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2018 20:32

This isn't the first thread the OP has started about her DD's spending.

I'm not sure if we're all supposed to be...

A.) Jealous

B.) Annoyed

C.) Politely suggesting her DD might be in the sex industry.

Either way, I suspect she's trying to cause a bit of a bun fight Grin

Akanamali · 23/09/2018 20:33

Talk to the grandparents perhaps about decreasing the amount they give her.

That'd be very spiteful

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2018 20:33

I swear I X posted with Possums then Blush Grin

Nothisispatrick · 23/09/2018 20:33

Sorry I think YABVU! Surely parents all strive for a comfortable life for their children. Mine and DP’s children will be growing up wealthier than we did.

She’s at Cambridge. I’m sure she won’t be out of the ordinary in having wealthy grandparents pay for everything, and I’m also sure she works very hard and is smart!

There are plenty of people who will be jealous of your 100k a year and a SAHP. Why do you pay all our living costs if it bothers you?

XingMing · 23/09/2018 20:34

We've paid private school fees for most of the last 16 years, which has absorbed just under 50% of our post tax income. DS is now working as a junior in a posh hotel's kitchen while he decides what to do and whether he wants to go to university. It's great so far and the experience of reality is good.

This year we are going on holiday, just us, for the first time in two years, for two whole weeks. It's a pleasant island destination but we are staying with friends, cooking at home and having a kitty, so not quite living the high life being fussed over by flunkeys.

So your DD's multiple luxury holidays during uni vacations are fine, but I'd be keen to help her keep it in perspective and to understand that this may not always be her normal once university is over.

Nothisispatrick · 23/09/2018 20:35

*I’d be so so happy if this was my daughter at her age.

So happy. What a full fun life she’s enjoying.*

This post put it far better than I did.

CheesebiscuitsWine · 23/09/2018 20:35

Stealth. Boast. Post.

HesterMacaulay · 23/09/2018 20:41

Just seen the other thread worra Shock

ahouseofleaves · 23/09/2018 20:42

Stealth. Boast. Post.

Does seem like it. If not, sounds like you have the means to fund some holidays for yourself, OP. Don't be jealous of your daughter.

hammeringinmyhead · 23/09/2018 20:42

Sounds like she didn't need to saddle herself with a loan if all her living expenses are covered and she has spending money.
That said, you can't really work at Cambridge. I was going to apply to Oxford until they demonstrated I'd have daily small group tutorials which required an essay for each, plus some one-on-one lessons, compulsory formal dinners, etc. I wouldn't work in the holidays if I were her - what's the point when my family is demonstrating they have bottomless pockets?!

luckycat007 · 23/09/2018 20:51

Why would you be jealous? You are facilitating it OP. Without your bum wiping she wouldn't live like that.

yesyesyess · 23/09/2018 20:54

Offensive Thighofrelief? Your jeaousy is offensive. So someone cannot state factually that they earn a lot without causing sad people like you offence now?

Akanamali · 23/09/2018 20:55

Either way, I suspect she's trying to cause a bit of a bun fight

What an odd comment. I've seen you make similar comments on other threads.

Are people only to post about situations a lollipop lady in England will have direct experience of? Just in case user @Worraliberty thinks we're a troll or attempting to start a bun fight?

Havaina · 23/09/2018 20:58

I don't think OP's coming back.

Akanamali · 23/09/2018 21:05

OP, If you're not happy with the way she's spending then you're free to reduce the amount you give her.

I wouldn't mind her travelling during vacations unless I was struggling with money or thought she was becoming lazy/entitled. She's clearly not lazy if she's managing to keep on top of her degree but only you know what her attitude is like.

Petalflowers · 23/09/2018 21:06

I read the op’s post slightly differently. Ie. The friends parents aren’t paying for dd’s trips. However, they are wealthy, and op can’t distinguish between the life her dd is having, and the life dd’s friends with rich parents are having, and wondering how dd can afford it.

Rudi44 · 23/09/2018 21:09

I really cant see what’s the OPs salary has to do with anything, there is no reference to OPs current lifestyle as a comparison to her DD so her salary info is irrelevant.

OP if you resent DD stop funding her. Yes you are being unreasonable if you continue to cover her living cost and then resent her lifestyle.