Dietary requirements at childrens parties!

[partypolitics1]

Name changed for this, regular user but thought I'd put this question to the wise mumsnetters.

DDs 6th birthday party yesterday, she only started at this school last year so haven't gotten to know all the mums and children yet. She was desperate for a party so we hired a hall and an entertainer and invited the whole class, all RSVPed.

We put on a kids buffet (party was 1-3 so not over any meal times) including 3 types of sandwich (cheese, jam & ham), sausage rolls, variety of crisps, cheese straws, chocolate cakes, biscuits, cocktail sausages and a few other "party" bits, did a token bowl of cucumber sticks and some grapes but as expected they went untouched.

Most parents let their children pick what they wanted, one came up quite aggressively to me and said my son can't eat any of this, did you make any gluten free alternatives? I was a bit taken back and as my child isn't gluten intolerant I genuinely Don't know what is and isn't gluten free but would have expected her to mention this on the RSVP as I wouldn' t instinctively cater for additional dietary requirements? When collecting the party bag and cake she made a point of removing the sweet treat and saying it was such a shame her DS can't have any of the cake while he pulled a dissapointed face that made me feel so guilty.

My sister had made the cake but couldn't attend the party on the day, another parent asked if it was vegetarian. I couldn't get a response from my sister during the party so I just had to say I assume so?

AIBU to think if your child has an additional dietary requirement you would mention this when replying? I could have them prevented both scenarios but both parents were huffy and a bit stroppy?!

700 children in our school. 7 year groups, that’s an average of 1 per year group.

With 100 children in a year group, that will be one child out of 3 or 4 classes. So, less likely to be in your child's class and invited to your party than if it's a one-form-entry school.

That's a big school then. The PAN for my DC school is 54. Most years it is under subscribed. Dd1 was in a year of 35.

Our entire school is only around 250, with 30-odd per year group. So we could very easily not have anyone with coeliac in the year. As far as I'm aware we don't.

But really, how many different dietary requirements should hosts cater for on the off chance? According to allergy UK nuts is 1 in 40, egg is 1 in 20, cow's milk is 2-3%. So if the 1 in 100 coeliac needs to be catered for as a precaution so do nuts, eggs and dairy allergies at a minimum. Then you have vegetarian, vegan, and halal which probably all occur with greater than 1 in 100 frequency in the UK.

How many diets do you actually expect people hosting a kids party to cover on the basis that someone might have a dietary need?

OP, YANBU.

facing the kind of attitudes here?

Which attitudes are those? Expecting someone to tell you if there is something their child can’t eat? It’s ridiculous to expect people to be psychic or to cater for every possible allergy or dietary requirement. Especially when people say they wouldn’t trust the host anyway due to cross contamination.

What do you actually do to mitigate this “exhaustion”, Yabbers? Not mention your child’s potentially fatal allergy in advance on the grounds that the party mum should have made sure the kids party food (hardly gourmet stuff) catered for all eventualities?
There isn’t even a grain of logic buried in there
Is it less exhausting to do a hospital dash when your child has eaten something they shouldn’t?
Or to hang around berating the mum for her sub standard catering?
You absolute nightmare!!

It's unfair of parents of children with allergies/dietary requirements to expect the party hosts to be catering for their needs regardless. I have a DS who is vegetarian, DD who was vegan for a while, a friend who is coeliac and two DS friends who are diabetic. I'm absolutely comfortable (now) catering for those needs, because I've learnt as I've gone along/had guidance from my friend and DS friends' parents.

The parents you encountered, OP, regardless of whether you felt comfortable catering for their needs (with some notice) or not are complete CFs and all the more so for making you feel so bad.

There were times when managing diet restrictions was exhausting (especially when started out GF and veggie until we discovered travelling on planes meant you could be either but not both), but that mental exhaustion was reduced by planning ahead either by letting hosts know and/or sending your child with their own food.
Ds2 is now a teen who can check his own labels and plan ahead what he can order at Nando's when he goes out with his mates.

As one who has had to do similar but for different reasons for 7 years now, I promise, it is exhausting

Oh dear lord. How pathetic can you get?

We've been dealing with it for 15+ years so far including ER trips.

Get over yourself.

She might have been stressed rather than stroppy, realising she'd messed up. My daughter is coeliac and I normally do her a packed tea at parties, but she often has to miss out on the party bag, cake etc. She is used to it though. It is tough having to cater separately for your child every single time they go out, and also hover around when they are eating to make sure they don't eat the wrong thing. (Adults often offer her food at parties that she can't have). So in summary, they maybe forgot and messed up and then came across as stroppy.

If your child has special dietary needs then you have to tell the host if you want them catered for. My neice has a severe nut allergy so she was always sent to parties with her own food and snacks and the host would be told so they knew why she couldn’t eat the other food and didn’t think she was rude.
There are so many allergies and special diets there is no way you could cater for them all just in case.

I am fine catering for vegans and vegetarians and sourcing bought food for allergies but making it - no I would not be comfortable with the cross contamination issue.

Based on the pret/sesame thread allergies that are v dangerous should not be on the party host