Dietary requirements at childrens parties!

[partypolitics1]

Name changed for this, regular user but thought I'd put this question to the wise mumsnetters.

DDs 6th birthday party yesterday, she only started at this school last year so haven't gotten to know all the mums and children yet. She was desperate for a party so we hired a hall and an entertainer and invited the whole class, all RSVPed.

We put on a kids buffet (party was 1-3 so not over any meal times) including 3 types of sandwich (cheese, jam & ham), sausage rolls, variety of crisps, cheese straws, chocolate cakes, biscuits, cocktail sausages and a few other "party" bits, did a token bowl of cucumber sticks and some grapes but as expected they went untouched.

Most parents let their children pick what they wanted, one came up quite aggressively to me and said my son can't eat any of this, did you make any gluten free alternatives? I was a bit taken back and as my child isn't gluten intolerant I genuinely Don't know what is and isn't gluten free but would have expected her to mention this on the RSVP as I wouldn' t instinctively cater for additional dietary requirements? When collecting the party bag and cake she made a point of removing the sweet treat and saying it was such a shame her DS can't have any of the cake while he pulled a dissapointed face that made me feel so guilty.

My sister had made the cake but couldn't attend the party on the day, another parent asked if it was vegetarian. I couldn't get a response from my sister during the party so I just had to say I assume so?

AIBU to think if your child has an additional dietary requirement you would mention this when replying? I could have them prevented both scenarios but both parents were huffy and a bit stroppy?!

I would wager that if that child had been coeliac or any other child had a severe allergy to any food their parents would have made it abundantly clear to you.

She sounds like a fool.

I have both hosted and attended multiple kids' birthday parties over the years and no-one has ever asked for dietary requirements on the invitation.

DS is coeliac (and is past the kids' party age) but I would always have made it my responsibility to make sure the host knew (and provide alternative food if neccessary).

The Mum in question was being v. unreasonable, not you OP.

DS has multiple allergies. I always carry a safe snack with me, and bring his food along if we're going to a friend's for a meal.

I Didn't think to ask for dietary requirements I just assumed there weren't any

Why would you assume that? It’s not difficult to ask.

I wouldn’t suggest you cater for everyone, but having GF options isn’t that hard either.

@0rlaith I do really agree with your post actually. I don't think the op is being unreasonable but I think that hiring a hall and inviting a lot of children, chances are there is going to be at least 1 vegetarian, 1 gluten free/vegan, and maybe a couple of kids who don't eat pork for religious reasons (sausage rolls).

I just think its always worth putting a few gluten free options, everyone can eat those after all. Everything from the op's food list either contains dairy, meat, or gluten.

But if I was in the same boat with my daughter who although eats fish does not eat meat, I would never confront the host! that is really rude and I would either have texted to check there was vegi food first or I would have just said to her if she was gluten free quietly to say thankyou and that i'd get her something on the way home or whatever.

People are so rude sometimes and it is unnecessary

You do understand , don’t you, that people don’t have coeliac disease ( or non coeliac gluten intolerance ) just to make your life difficult ?

Of course people understand that. But do YOU understand that people with such allergies need to tell anyone catering for them about said allergy?

I Didn't think to ask for dietary requirements I just assumed there weren't any

Why would you assume that? It’s not difficult to ask.

I wouldn’t suggest you cater for everyone, but having GF options isn’t that hard either.

What I mean by I assumed is that the vast majority of children wouldn't have an allergy or additional requirement, so I made the assumption they Didn't, and if they did I'd hear otherwise.

There are so many different dietary needs that for a small buffet for 6 year olds, I just don't have the budget to cater for GF, DF, vegans, those with religious needs etc. if the food could go uneaten if someone with these needs do turn up. And as someone who doesn't have this intolerance I was unaware at how many products have gluten in them.

Yanbu, I think it's getting harder for parents who have children who genuinely have allergies as there seem a few that have decided to have an allergy to join a trend. In my experience adults who have children with genuine allergies cater for them or at least alert you to the situation and offer to. Those who are less allergic and just have preferences seem to be the ones to assume that the world owes them a favour. I'm always slightly amazed that people who have probably been to enough parties to know the usual fare is sandwiches, crisps and cake assume that there will be much that is gluten free?

Last year I had TWO children anaphylactic to nuts come to DDs party without letting me know first. I only found out as I was checking if they were allowed sweets in the day. Luckily none of the food contained a scrap of nuts but I thought it must have been because I hadn't asked. All my invitations are now asking for dietary requirements

I think it was definitely rude of the parent to be upset.

Rude people. How were you supposed to cater to their needs if they hadn’t told you before hand?

I always avoid putting nuts out at parties but apart from that I would not provide gluten free cake or vegan specific food.

I wouldn’t suggest you cater for everyone, but having GF options isn’t that hard either.

Telling someone ‘By the way, my child needs gluten-free food’ isn’t that hard either. In fact, as not telling someone that has the potential to damage their health, it’s negligent to not share this.

I do think that the parents should say if there’s allergies, intolerances, vegetarianism etc that needs to be catered for.

But you can’t always rely on people using their common sense.

DS2 had a birthday party recently. We sent out invites, got replies, not a word about any special dietary requirements from any parent.

Only problem with that - I helped out last year at the school nursery Christmas party as part of the PTA, and as part of that was helping to hand out food. The teacher pulled me aside before the food was served and said “don’t give any food to Alfie*, he has allergies, we know what he can eat so we’ll give Alfie his food.” Which is fine, Alfie gets his own plate of safe food and everyone’s happy.
(*not his real name)

Fast forward to DS2’s party invites - this same Alfie is now in DS2’s Reception class, has accepted the invite to DS’s party, but not a word about dietary requirements from his parents. And from the PTA volunteering I knew Alfie had allergies but not what he was allergic to.

I asked his parents directly about dietary requirements & allergies - turns out Alfie has a nut allergy, a dairy allergy and an intolerance to eggs. The nut allergy is severe enough to require his parents to carry an epipen around with them when they take him out.

I have no idea why they didn’t think it was a good idea to mention all that in the first place, just in case we’d served food with nuts in complete ignorance of his allergy, or had dairy and / or eggs in every food served.

How strange you sound. Don’t you want your vegan, vegetarian, coeliac , Muslim Jewish and Hindu guests to feel welcome ?

Its a party invitation for a children's party, not a medical and dietary questionaire.

Its bonkers to expect every party to cater for gluten free, soy free, lactose free, nut free etc and vegan, vegetarian, halal, kosher so that parents don't have to trouble themselves to take responsibility for their own children.

I used to let parents know in advance and offer to send a few party items similar to the main party food. That is what most parents whose children have specific dietary needs do.

people with such allergies need to tell anyone catering for them about said allergy?

How exhausting. Or people could have a think and at least cater for the fairly common nut/gluten allergies.

Orlaith you are being ridiculous. My sister in law is a coeliac so I fully understand the implications. In fact she would prefer to bring her own food to a party like this anyway because she is so vigilant about cross-contamination. But if parents of GF children want them to be able to eat at a party then all they have to do is include that info in their reply. If I had a coeliac child coming to a party I would want to do more than just provide suitable GF food. I would want it served on separate plates with different cutlery just to be absolutely sure - you can't expect hosts to anticipate all this if you don't tell them!

Agree with Matilda. It's your child who suffer. Normally parents would make sure your child's needs are met, by checking first.

I'm always slightly amazed that people who have probably been to enough parties to know the usual fare is sandwiches, crisps and cake assume that there will be much that is gluten free?

This ^ with bells on.

It's a kids birthday party, FFS. What do people expect? Falafels and Tofu??

My DD has coeliac disease and therefore on a gluten free diet. I would never expect a parent to cater for her at a party. We always take a packed tea for her. She also understands that she won't be able to have the cake. I always make sure I have a treat for her to have. She's also reception year.

The only things that weren't vegetarian were the sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. I know the ones with cheese were vegetarian as it was in bold by cooking instructions which I cooked just before the party, but strangely the veggie family ate those without asking it was only at the end when she asked about the cake I even knew she was veggie.

I wouldn't automatucally cater for more specific food needs like GF/vegan/allergies as I have never met anyone GF, or a vegan child so unless I was told I wouldn't just assume that and would have needed to investigate further as like I say I didn't realise how many products contain gluten as I've never had to actually look.

Yabbers Coeliac disease affects 1 in 100 people. I don't call that common.

As for a nut allergy, as I know those can potentially be fatal, I'd expect the parents to take responsibility, not leave it to the host who may not be aware that a bought-in biscuit has nut oil in.

I DID put 'please let me know any dietary requirements etc' on the last set of invitations that got sent out.

Didn't stop the parent of a vegetarian child dropping and running (which was fine they are 8) without saying a word...it was one of the other kids who noticed that said vegetarian was eating a nugget...parent then got stroppy with me and said they thought I knew so didn't need to say anything.

HOW would I have known? The kids knew each other, I had never met either the parent or the child before.

Bizarre behaviour.

I am astonished that anyone is directing any criticism at the party host here. And I say that as a parent of two severely allergic children. It’s our job to communicate, our job to supply food if necessary. It’s ridiculous to argue otherwise.

Very rude. DS had a similar party- I did cater to vegetarians as his class has quite a few Muslim children so reckoned veggie ok.
I also catered for one but allergy and one coeliac, but they told me in advance.
The cake was home made so I’m afraid they had a Sainsbury’s free from fairy cake thing.
The mum’s of the children with specific dietary needs tend to be very well prepared and arrive with a packed lunch of suitable treats for swaps.

My child has dietary requirements and I always mention when RSVP-Ing and always offer to bring our own bits and bobs (although most parents end up accommodating so that she isn't left out) but would never expect this!

Complete aggressive overreaction from the mum. You did your best to provide what sounds like a nice birthday tea, it was up to her to inform you in advance of her child dietary needs not the other way round. Forget about it and move on, in the knowledge its her and not you being unreasonable