Dietary requirements at childrens parties!

[partypolitics1]

Name changed for this, regular user but thought I'd put this question to the wise mumsnetters.

DDs 6th birthday party yesterday, she only started at this school last year so haven't gotten to know all the mums and children yet. She was desperate for a party so we hired a hall and an entertainer and invited the whole class, all RSVPed.

We put on a kids buffet (party was 1-3 so not over any meal times) including 3 types of sandwich (cheese, jam & ham), sausage rolls, variety of crisps, cheese straws, chocolate cakes, biscuits, cocktail sausages and a few other "party" bits, did a token bowl of cucumber sticks and some grapes but as expected they went untouched.

Most parents let their children pick what they wanted, one came up quite aggressively to me and said my son can't eat any of this, did you make any gluten free alternatives? I was a bit taken back and as my child isn't gluten intolerant I genuinely Don't know what is and isn't gluten free but would have expected her to mention this on the RSVP as I wouldn' t instinctively cater for additional dietary requirements? When collecting the party bag and cake she made a point of removing the sweet treat and saying it was such a shame her DS can't have any of the cake while he pulled a dissapointed face that made me feel so guilty.

My sister had made the cake but couldn't attend the party on the day, another parent asked if it was vegetarian. I couldn't get a response from my sister during the party so I just had to say I assume so?

AIBU to think if your child has an additional dietary requirement you would mention this when replying? I could have them prevented both scenarios but both parents were huffy and a bit stroppy?!

Has anyone a recipe for bacon cake?

It sounds like she was looking for drama. Anyone with any bit of cop on knows to tell the host if you haven't been specifically asked about allergies.

I have never seen an invitation asking about dietary requirements. The onus is on the parent to let you know. Even then, as a parent of a child with a non-life threatening allergy, I learned very quickly to ensure my child too responsibility for what he ate.

First party he went to, I arrived and told the mother he couldn't have any of the food item (not a big deal to avoid). She said that was fine, she'd look after that and proceeded to hand him the one item of food in the entire party that had his allergen in it! He said no thank you 😁

It is possible to have a life-threatening food allergy to anything, meaning there's no way you could cater to all potential allergens. Which is why you need parents to communicate about their children's dietary needs.

In most cases it's better for children to bring their own food to eliminate all risk of cross-contamination & ensure they get stuff they like. Because some gluten-free stuff, for example, is beyond rancid...

At Brownies we cater for everyone & their multiple allergies & other dietary requirements. But we know what they are & are practised at working round things. Very different thing. If I'd a new Brownie appear & end up making something they couldn't eat because their parent[s]/guardian[s] had apparently expected me to use my psychic powers to uncover their dietary needs I'd feel bad for the wee moppet, & my unimpressedness with their adult would rise sharply if they tried giving out to me about my not catering to their child...

Essentially, you were hit by some next-level ridiculousness having done nothing at all wrong. As a PP commented, it's people who pull stunts like this who make life vastly harder for people with life-threatening allergies & coeliac's etc.

1 in 100 people. I don’t call that common

Medical science disagrees. Anything with 1in100 occurrence is deemed common.

From the NHS website Coeliac disease is a common digestive condition

But if you still want to disagree, happy to substitute the word for “well known” “well advertised” “ high profile”, take your pick.

How exhausting.

Oh yes; it must be sheer hell having to take responsibility for your own dietary limitations or those of your own children. ‘I’m allergic to peanuts - is there any food here I should avoid?’ Just the sheer strain of typing that makes me want to lie down in a darkened room with smelling salts.

If I had a coeliac child coming to a party I would want to do more than just provide suitable GF food. I would want it served on separate plates with different cutlery just to be absolutely sure*

^^ yy to this. I have a friend with coeliac disease and she’s so so careful about cross contamination as even a few crumbs of gluteny bread accidentally dropped onto the gluten free food could make her ill.

She’d not eat any of the gluten free food from a buffet for that reason - too big a risk that other people have cross contaminated the gluten free food.

I’d be setting suitable food for the gluten free child aside on a separate plate and covered with cling film or similar until he’s ready to eat - assuming I knew to expect a child who couldn’t eat gluten in advance.

It’s not difficult to ask.

It’s even easier to tell the host.

Nobody is being unpleasant about children having allergies or intolerances - what people find strange is having a child with a medical ( or strict dietary / religious) need going to an event without either contacting the host as soon as they get the invitation re alternatives or providing food themselves.

My DD1 had to follow a consultant mandated lactose free diet for a few years in early childhood after an illness - it was a while ago and food labelling was very basic and alternatives thin on the ground. I used to take a little pack of food I had prepared myself, to be as similar as possible to that provided at the party if possible ( still got someone’s aunt berating me for indulging a fussy child - if only ) .

My other DD now can’t have gluten and it is an entirely different world - alternatives easily available. She’s above children’s party age, but if she was, a quick contact to the host and an offer to provide an alternative would be automatic.

In my experience, parents of children with allergies communicate with you. Most also offer to bring their own food (I’ve always refused) and advise on what can/can’t go in party bags.

OTOH parents who are following this week’s fad prefer to criticise. I’ve seen this at a PTA event where a mother complained that I didn’t know if the sweets on sale were dairy free, then - I kid you not - bought the same child an ice cream.

YANBU. DD used to have a coeliac friend and his mum always sent him to parties with a packed lunch and a few treats for his party bag (I would happily have catered for him but she always insisted!). The only thing that occurred to me is there’s a lot of food there that doesn’t suit Jewish or Muslim kids but if you live in an area that doesn’t have many Jewish or Muslim children it’s absolutely fine.

@yabbers .

Why go to extra expense when not needed.
Now my Ds has a friend who has a nut allergy I check packets , I never did before . I have never had a gluten free child attend a party , a parent friend does when we go out for a meal she has usually rang ahead . Why would it be different for children.

“How exhausting” ???

It’s not remotely exhausting to message a party host/ organise a safe packed meal to take to a party

It would beyond exhausting, terrifying even, to rely on a party host having some kind of telepathic ability to just “know” that my child had a list of foods he was severely allergic to.

I expect the parents who take this very “entitled” approach have children who do not have severe allergies, perhaps an intolerance or maybe it’s just attention seeking. No one with a child with potentially fatal allergies would rest their hopes in the party host being able to “assume” anything about allergies.

TBH, if someone finds it too “exhausting” to let a host know about their child’s allergies/dietary needs, they clearly aren’t serious.

when my hyperallergic dc when to parties I supplied her own in the little box with special treats for her - I wasn't arrogant enough or careless enough to rely on other parents - after all allergy/intolerance is very specific to each child so how can other parents know - you can ask before hand what food is at the party but you shouldn't expect the party giver to be able to cope - you are not a b@@@@ restaurant

YANUB, it was up the the parent to flag it on the invitation or bring something with them.

My friend's DC has a severe nut allergy, she always pops that note on the reply, stayed with her when she was young to watch what she ate, and also took some treats that she knew she could eat and made sure that she got some before putting the rest on the table.

You can't possibly be expected for cater for needs that you don't know about and some people deliberately like to cause trouble.

@orlaith exactly it’s a serious fucking medical condition. Can be deadly. So why the fuck wouldn’t the parent tell someone. Don’t they love their child enough to want them to live? No ones said the child shouldn’t have been catered for. But it’s absolutely unreasonable to expect a child’s buffet menu to cater for everyone just in case.

I have have had many parties in my time and catered for GF, DF, LF, vegetarian, diabetic, and religious diets - I have never had a situation where parents failed to inform me in advance and just expected my to read their minds although some sent their own food "just in case" and one 6 year old wanted to check the packaging to make sure!

I used to keep a tub of Swedish Glace soya ice-cream and some fruit on standby in case I had missed anything.

No they're not, contain animal fat !

It’s bonkers for people to just turn up and expect gluten-free, nut-free, vegan, halal and kosher options just in case.

Exactly. And what will happen is that in future, people will avoid throwing parties because they'll just think, "sod it. Too much hassle and I'll end up with an earful from little Jimmy's rude and entitled parent." Who misses out then? All the kids.

What happens is that Little Jimmy stops getting invited because he's seen as "awkward" for having a medical condition that's not his nor anyone else's fault.

The reaction of his mum was unreasonable if no advance notice was given. But give the subsequent responses from the OP I do wonder if it had been known whether a way would have been found to engineer uninviting him due to the (minimal) extra expense and hassle.

It is reasonable to add a simple "Please make me aware of any dietary requirements" to an invite.

FWIW I have coeliac disease, gluten-free is non-optional for me and others with this condition. As an adult it's easy to cope when you know it's unlikely you'll be catered for, and I can shrug off or avoid those that don't think it's serious. For a child I can see it could be very isolating and exclusionary given some of the comments that have been left in this thread.

It is really easy!

If you have a child that has an allergy then, wherever they go you take food for them. Even if your host is lovely they aren't expert in allergies and may make a mistake. And you would be REALLY unreasonable to expect anyone to learn ALL about your child's allergy for a one off invitation - which is all your child will get if you act like the woman OP met!

Same if your child is a fussy eater. Their fussiness does not trump another child's birthday.

Much the same if you choose to be veggie or vegan, don't assume your host will fully understand.

As a host you can only cater for things you know about and are confident you can / want to cater for. You can say no, you'll have to bring your own sandwiches if you want to!

But it boils down to the incontrovertible fact that the onus is ALWAYS on the parent to manage any special dietary requirements.

I left my number to RSVP to, the mum text me 3 weeks ago to say he could make the party, I've also seen her multiple times at pick up/drop offs, it wouldn't have taken much time or effort to say oh by the way DS is GF, knowing that a 6yo birthday would likely have many things not suitable.

It would be exhausting to prepare food to cater for multiple needs without knowing if it was even necessary.

But give the subsequent responses from the OP I do wonder if it had been known whether a way would have been found to engineer uninviting him due to the (minimal) extra expense and hassle.

Have you read a different thread to me? The thing is that if I'd known it genuinely wouldn't have been an issue to pick up some gluten free sausage rolls and crisps or similar.

It is reasonable to add a simple "Please make me aware of any dietary requirements" to an invite.

If a kid has a life threatening condition it is incumbent upon a parent to manage their diet... including play dates and parties! It is their responsibility, nobody elses!

DSis is coeliac, I know how easy it is to make food swaps... but only because I know she has the condition!

As the parent of a child with an allergy it is absolutely my responsibility to let the host know about that allergy so that she doesn't accidentally eat party food.

I never expect that her allergy will be safely catered for.

Yes it's a bit of a shame that we have to bring her own food to parties but jesus, it's hardly the end of the world.

'Exhausting'?! Good grief.

I have children with allergies. I always let the host know and offer to bring our own food. Normally if it's at a venue that provides the food they can just ask for them to be catered for, if not then the host normally offers but I tend to send some anyway because not everyone understands allergies even if they try.

YANBU because you couldn't have known to cater for them if they hadn't told you.