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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dietary requirements at childrens parties!

136 replies

partypolitics1 · 23/09/2018 10:41

Name changed for this, regular user but thought I'd put this question to the wise mumsnetters.

DDs 6th birthday party yesterday, she only started at this school last year so haven't gotten to know all the mums and children yet. She was desperate for a party so we hired a hall and an entertainer and invited the whole class, all RSVPed.

We put on a kids buffet (party was 1-3 so not over any meal times) including 3 types of sandwich (cheese, jam & ham), sausage rolls, variety of crisps, cheese straws, chocolate cakes, biscuits, cocktail sausages and a few other "party" bits, did a token bowl of cucumber sticks and some grapes but as expected they went untouched.

Most parents let their children pick what they wanted, one came up quite aggressively to me and said my son can't eat any of this, did you make any gluten free alternatives? I was a bit taken back and as my child isn't gluten intolerant I genuinely Don't know what is and isn't gluten free but would have expected her to mention this on the RSVP as I wouldn' t instinctively cater for additional dietary requirements? When collecting the party bag and cake she made a point of removing the sweet treat and saying it was such a shame her DS can't have any of the cake while he pulled a dissapointed face that made me feel so guilty.

My sister had made the cake but couldn't attend the party on the day, another parent asked if it was vegetarian. I couldn't get a response from my sister during the party so I just had to say I assume so?

AIBU to think if your child has an additional dietary requirement you would mention this when replying? I could have them prevented both scenarios but both parents were huffy and a bit stroppy?!

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 12:38

Surely, one of the first and over-riding thoughts you have, when you receive the diagnosis for your child that they have some sort of allergy, is the adaptations and limitations it will impose on your lives. That of course means taking the responsibility (for you and them , in an age-appropriate way) of informing others about their condition as necessary.

Dd has idiopathic anaphylaxis. That means we have no idea what triggers her attacks. It's like Russian Roulette. Nightmare. She's now an adult, but has been trained to take her epipen and piriton-type tablets with her everywhere she goes, keep the prescriptions up-to-date, and to make sure her friends know what to do if she has an attack and is unable to speak.
That's basic common sense.

llangennith · 23/09/2018 12:39

I've never heard of any party host catering for gluten free or vegetarian etc. If your child has to avoid certain foods they'll be used to taking their own party food and not having a slice of birthday cake and they'll know why.
Don't feel sad for the boy who went hungry, that's not your fault or your problem. Feel sad he has such a selfish mother.

Original poster
partypolitics1 · 23/09/2018 12:39

The reaction of his mum was unreasonable if no advance notice was given. But give the subsequent responses from the OP I do wonder if it had been known whether a way would have been found to engineer uninviting him due to the (minimal) extra expense and hassle.

I've said a number of times it wouldn't have been a big deal to provide GF food if I knew. I genuinely felt quite upset watching the little boy miss out and have to feel different when he hadn't needed to but it's quite a specific request and I have never met another GF child so isn't something I expected (unlike the veggie family as its more common).

OP posts:
Bambamber · 23/09/2018 12:41

YANBU

I always let people know in advance of my daughter's allergies and always offer to bring along suitable alternatives including cake

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 12:43

For a child I can see it could be very isolating and exclusionary given some of the comments that have been left in this thread.

Which comments? I think you're looking for offence here. A significant number of the comments on here are from mums who have children with allergies. And the OP sounds very inclusive and welcoming. She stated quite clearly that she was not informed about the allergies, and that she would have been more than happy to provide alternatives if she'd known. Perfectly reasonable.

CaMePlaitPas · 23/09/2018 12:44

"Yes there's a gluten-free option, you can stay at home."

Poodletip · 23/09/2018 12:44

'Exhausting'?! Good grief.

Well, it wouldn't be to cater for one or two known needs, but it would be a bit mental trying to cater for every possible requirement out there just in case someone happened to need it.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 12:53

If a child were to be left off a guest-list in future, it would be less likely to do with their dietary requirements and more to do with their mother's rudeness.

GoldenHoops · 23/09/2018 12:54

Partypolotics1
She stuffed up by forgetting to tell you and blamed you to save herself.
It is absolutely the parents responsibility to inform hosts if there are medical issues and dietary needs.

grumiosmum · 23/09/2018 12:56

Ok @Yabbers you win on semantics.

But, in all the years of catering for children's birthday parties for my now adult children, I never encountered a coeliac child. And I don't think the OP was being unreasonable not to have anticipated that scenario.

As numerous parents of children with allergies have stated on this thread, it's the parents' responsibility to let the host know.

Chouetted · 23/09/2018 12:59

Surely gluten free is like kosher - it's only "easy" if it's your normal. I don't know about you, but I use my plates for both meat and dairy.

Just how many sealed gluten free meals is one supposed to keep around at a party, in case some coeliacs turn up?

At least if someone who keeps kosher eats something nonkosher by mistake, it won't actually make them ill.

grumiosmum · 23/09/2018 13:02

And as others with coeliac disease in the family have pointed out in this thread, the risk of cross-contamination at a party would be very high. I doubt the child of the Mum in the OP's post was actually coeliac, as they would have needed their GF food to be wrapped & served separately.

Coldilox · 23/09/2018 13:13

Did a recent 4th birthday party. I put on plenty on vegetarian options, but wouldn't automatically cater for anything else. One mum contacted me asking if I minded her bringing her own food as her DS has allergies, I said of course not and also I'd happily buy anything in if she let me know. She said it was fine, she'd bring some food and he could pick at what he was ok to eat (he has issues with dairy so quite happily ate most of the strawberries I provided!). I offered to get some vegan cake but she said he doesn't like it so not to bother, so I put an extra gift in his party bag instead.

The onus is on the parents to let you know/provide food if necessary. The problem with asking about dietary requirements is you may get a list of demands from fussy eaters. Wasn't there a thread recently where a parent asked for "organic food only" on an RSVP?

Lovelydovey · 23/09/2018 13:22

DS1 is allergic to milk, eggs and nuts. I always make a point of informing parents hosting parties in advance and offer to bring him food.

SkinnywannabeKBH · 23/09/2018 13:30

My eldest Daughter has a dairy allergy and we take a dairy free bun/slice of cake to all parties and a little bag of sandwiches and other snacks like crisps etc... I would never walk around the food and give off to the host, who has probably been running around like a headless chicken trying to organise for the party.

BrickByBrick · 23/09/2018 13:36

I too wonder if those saying the host should cater for all needs actually has allergies.

I could provide all the gf sausages and sausage rolls in the world but if I plonk them down next to my plate of Hovis bread sandwiches then that fact becomes irrelevant.

I would imagine most parents would bring their own, the risk of cross contamination is too high. Most people wouldn't be aware of the risks of this.

And 1 in 100 isn't that common in a school setting. Chances are no one in their year will.

melin · 23/09/2018 14:12

My ds was allergic to milk and egg. I always told the hosts and offered to bring food. It's my responsibility as his parent.

I catered for many children and adults with allergies and coeliac disease with no problems at all but wouldn't if I didn't know about it.

Extra food is expensive and you can't possibly cater for all eventualities

CoughLaughFart · 23/09/2018 14:53

It is reasonable to add a simple "Please make me aware of any dietary requirements" to an invite.

But it’s unreasonable to not tell the host just because that note isn’t there. If your child accidentally ate something they were allergic to, would you blame the host because they didn’t ask?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 15:06

would you blame the host because they didn’t ask?

Well, according to this thread, it seems that some people would!

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 15:40

Yes if it’s a serious allergy the risk of cross contamination is such that they should not be risking it - gluten free cake made in a kitchen previously making gluten. No chance. And the child would be used to coping with not having things due to allergy

Yabbers · 23/09/2018 16:37

It’s not remotely exhausting to message a party host/ organise a safe packed meal to take to a party

One party, sure. But every time you go anywhere, having to check, explain and facing the kind of attitudes here? Exhausting.

As one who has had to do similar but for different reasons for 7 years now, I promise, it is exhausting.

Yabbers · 23/09/2018 16:40

And 1 in 100 isn't that common in a school setting. Chances are no one in their year will

700 children in our school. 7 year groups, that’s an average of 1 per year group.

Beautifulsunshine · 23/09/2018 16:45

YANBU my child has recently started school and I did put on the invite about allergies as I don’t know the children but would expect parents to mention it. I even had one parent message to say Her child was allergic to shellfish just in case we had any at the party (which we didn’t)

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 16:51

Yabbers, But you'd have to explain anyway. If a party mum wrote on the invitation, "please let me know about any dietary restrictions," you'd need to contact her and inform her. How is it any more exhausting to volunteer the information?

And (as I know from my own dd's situation) it's one of the many unfortunate things about living with these sorts of health issues. But a necessary one. Most parents on here seem happy to deal with it, in order to enable their child to go places and do fun things. I'm not seeing the "attitudes" that you are interpreting.

NoLeslie · 23/09/2018 16:51

Some parents are just dicks. I was at a party with a pass the parcel. About 5 kids had a turn unwrapping a layer and each time got a mini Haribo bag while the parents all watched. Unannounced Veggie Child then had a turn. Mum pounced on the Haribo, telling him he can't have them, kid starts wailing. All for a situation she could have pre empted- after 5 kids getting Haribo it was pretty obvious what was coming next Hmm

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