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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dietary requirements at childrens parties!

136 replies

partypolitics1 · 23/09/2018 10:41

Name changed for this, regular user but thought I'd put this question to the wise mumsnetters.

DDs 6th birthday party yesterday, she only started at this school last year so haven't gotten to know all the mums and children yet. She was desperate for a party so we hired a hall and an entertainer and invited the whole class, all RSVPed.

We put on a kids buffet (party was 1-3 so not over any meal times) including 3 types of sandwich (cheese, jam & ham), sausage rolls, variety of crisps, cheese straws, chocolate cakes, biscuits, cocktail sausages and a few other "party" bits, did a token bowl of cucumber sticks and some grapes but as expected they went untouched.

Most parents let their children pick what they wanted, one came up quite aggressively to me and said my son can't eat any of this, did you make any gluten free alternatives? I was a bit taken back and as my child isn't gluten intolerant I genuinely Don't know what is and isn't gluten free but would have expected her to mention this on the RSVP as I wouldn' t instinctively cater for additional dietary requirements? When collecting the party bag and cake she made a point of removing the sweet treat and saying it was such a shame her DS can't have any of the cake while he pulled a dissapointed face that made me feel so guilty.

My sister had made the cake but couldn't attend the party on the day, another parent asked if it was vegetarian. I couldn't get a response from my sister during the party so I just had to say I assume so?

AIBU to think if your child has an additional dietary requirement you would mention this when replying? I could have them prevented both scenarios but both parents were huffy and a bit stroppy?!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 23/09/2018 11:15

Surely all cakes are vegetation suitable? I haven't had one full of bacon yet!

Lard and some food colourings (cochineal) wojld make it non vegetarian. Or bacon, obviously.

It's usual to ask on the invitation if anyone has dietary requirements

It’s even more usual to tell a host if your child has specific dietary needs.

Bumply · 23/09/2018 11:15

Totally the parent's responsibility to let part host know of child with dietary requirements.
I'd normally say I was sending Ds2 with his own GF food. I'd eat his party cake after bringing some other treat for him.
Some parents would go the extra mile with providing GF options and as long as we were happy there wasn't cross contamination (which is whole separate topic of concern) Ds2 would have that instead of what he'd brought.

Hosting a party where food needed to be GF, nut free and have veggie options would get interesting, but if warned in advance I'd make sure that happened

0rlaith · 23/09/2018 11:15

It's usual to ask on the invitation if anyone has dietary requirements

It's a children's party not an airline

How strange you sound. Don’t you want your vegan, vegetarian, coeliac , Muslim Jewish and Hindu guests to feel welcome ?

And I see you fly on a better class of airline than I do.

Mookatron · 23/09/2018 11:18

The people I know whose kids are coeliac are extremely good at making it very clear, making sure themselves their kids eat gluten free, and teaching their kids very early to always check. They have airways messaged me to say 'x is coeliac so I'll bring a plate' (which is when I normally offer to provide stuff instead if they're happy with that). That's because they have to deal with the consequences. I suspect this parent will learn that pretty quickly.

Not your fault at all.

MidniteScribbler · 23/09/2018 11:19

People really need to take responsibility for themselves/their children. If a child is gluten free or allergic to a specific allergen, then they should make sure the host knows, or bring a lunchbox of suitable foods. I don't have children's parties at home, and if I had children over with specific allergens I would let the parent know that I would do my best for them, but I couldn't absolutely guarantee something was allergen free, eg I would make something nut free, but if their allergy was so severe that they couldn't even be around nuts, then I could never guarantee my house to not have any traces.

Blueroses99 · 23/09/2018 11:19

Buffets generally aren’t great for coeliacs or allergies due to cross contamination, especially if kids are involved. It isn’t something that you really think about unless if effects you or someone you know but now having a baby with a dairy allergy, I find it much easier to respond to requests for dietary requirements rather than offer the information unasked, it seems presumptuous to assume someone will go out of their way to cater for me (when I was bf) /her and I feel awkward about it. It isn’t currently an issue as I always take safe baby food for DD but I realise from this post that I will need to deal with it as she gets older.

Starlight345 · 23/09/2018 11:20

I have never had a child at my ds’s party with dietary needs . It is the parents job to inform party hosts of any dietary requirements. I have never needed to cater for religious or allergies or intolerances however now older he has a friend with a nut allergy. Mum talked to me and he is catered for if he comes here.

The party probably told you a lot about the parents.

Angelil · 23/09/2018 11:21

I would never ask on an invitation about dietary requirements. I'm a secondary school teacher who has organised many school trips - and the second you ask about this, the floodgates open with requests that are not actual allergies but just a list of likes and dislikes.

If a child has a genuine allergy that is that important I would expect their parent(s) to tell me - whether for a school trip or children's party.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 11:22

She should have told you re the gluten free

Cake wise unless it uses lard or gelatine it would be (haribos for example are not vegetarian)

Feefeetrixabelle · 23/09/2018 11:22

I find parents of children with allergies/intolerances fall distinctly into two camps.

  1. My child’s safety comes first and I’m going to support them. This camp teaches their child to ask about ingredients, let’s people know about them and offer to provide food. Because I don’t want my child to fall ill.
  1. My child is no different from any other and you won’t single them out by providing them a separate meal so I expect you to always provide a menu that is vegan, vegetarian, coeliac, Muslim, Jewish and Hindu friendly. So they don’t have to ask.

You had two cf’s from camp 2.

Namelesswonder · 23/09/2018 11:22

DD has allergies and Coeliac Disease - I always take our own food to parties and message the Host to let them know that’s what we will do. In my experience that’s what Allergy parents do because it means your child is kept safe and your not putting extra stress onto someone else.

Original poster
partypolitics1 · 23/09/2018 11:22

The invites we had would have needed am extra note of paper to ask for dietary requirements, and then whats stopping you asking all sorts of questions like will siblings attend, do they have any medical concerns or additional needs that need support etc. I just thought you invite the child and they'd either give a standard yes or they'd say something like my child is GF, lactose intollerant, unable to do xyz, epileptic and asking about the entertainer lights etc.
I would happily cater to most additional needs where I can but can't assume there might be a child with any one of those things (or something else!) without spending fortunes on seperate buffets or whatever.

OP posts:
user789653241 · 23/09/2018 11:22

My ds has severe allergies and we always make sure we provide his food ourselves. I don't expect party host mum to do it for him. Some of them offered to provide since they know him well, but I always decline. And if the food is provided by the venue, I always ask them myself if it's ok to bring in food for allergy reasons, and never had problem.
I think it's rude for other mum to expect without checking with you first.

Iloveacurry · 23/09/2018 11:24

You’re not a mind reader! They should of mentioned it when RSVP to the party. They were being unreasonable.

KC225 · 23/09/2018 11:25

I am a seasoned party giver and I am vegetarian. My children are not. We know a a couple of children with diet requirements, they do offer to bring food but I can cater for IF I KNOW IN ADVANCE. Do not let these mums snipe at you or put you off having an party in future. As stated above, the onus is on them to let you know or flag it before hand. They were bloody rude, and I bet they have form for it.

grasspigeons · 23/09/2018 11:26

They should have told you. The format is you call and explain your child has a specific dietary requirement and offer to bring safe food for them, so you ask What a in offer so you can replicate it. I do this as has nearly everyone whose child has had an allergy. Sometimes you get a host who instantly says dont bring your own abd that will make an alternative or e.g. avoid nuts, or do lots of veggie options. But not always.

YouCanCallMeNancy · 23/09/2018 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feefeetrixabelle · 23/09/2018 11:30

@blueroses99 it’s really important that you train your DD to always ask about ingredients, even when in primary and getting her free school meals. It doesn’t matter if she’s wearing a fluorescent tabard and a flashing beacon on her head to identify her as having an allergy her first question before anything goes past her lips should be- does this have milk in it. It’s tiresome but the younger you start her doing it the more normalised and second nature it will be.

And most parents will be happy to cater. Your best bet for a party play date is to accept the invitation, say dd has a milk allergy shall I send some food with her. Those that are confident and able to cater will refuse the offer, those that don’t know how to will probably accept your offer.

eddielizzard · 23/09/2018 11:32

Well he could have eaten the carrot sticks and grapes? I think you were absolutely fine. The parents were awful.

CoughLaughFart · 23/09/2018 11:33

How strange you sound. Don’t you want your vegan, vegetarian, coeliac , Muslim Jewish and Hindu guests to feel welcome ?

I’m sure the vast majority of people want their guests of every religion, dietary choice and allergy status to feel welcome. But as I and several others have said, you need to KNOW! It’s bonkers for people to just turn up and expect gluten-free, nut-free, vegan, halal and kosher options just in case.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 11:33

They were rude. Full stop.

Celebelly · 23/09/2018 11:33

This Mum could have avoided this if she had, when RSVPing, just said 'by the way, X needs gluten-free food.'

There are so many intolerances and allergies and dietary choices out there that you can't expect people to cater for them at a small gathering unless they're made aware of them.

TantricTwist · 23/09/2018 11:33

All my friends who have children with dietary requirements make sure they bring their own selection of food for the child to eat just in case, they wouldn't dream in a million years of talking to someone in your position the way those DM's spoke to you.

They were beyond rude esp as you had no idea their children had dietary requirements.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 11:35

It’s bonkers for people to just turn up and expect gluten-free, nut-free, vegan, halal and kosher options just in case.

Exactly. And what will happen is that in future, people will avoid throwing parties because they'll just think, "sod it. Too much hassle and I'll end up with an earful from little Jimmy's rude and entitled parent." Who misses out then? All the kids.

0rlaith · 23/09/2018 11:35

You do understand , don’t you, that people don’t have coeliac disease ( or non coeliac gluten intolerance ) just to make your life difficult ?

Coeliac disease is not simply a food allergy, and sufferers are not just fussy eaters. It’s an auto-immune disease caused by gluten intolerance that can cause severe symptoms.

The gluten component in wheat barley and rye damages the gut, preventing normal digestion and absorption of food and therefore vital minerals and nutrients. Left undiagnosed, it can lead to life-threatening illnesses such as bowel cancer, osteoporosis and infertility.

Parents of children with these conditions are less likely to let them eat out, go to other people’s houses or go on schools trips. They can miss out , NOT because their needs are difficult to meet. But because of the attitudes that are clearly demonstrated by an unpleasant minority of some people of this thread.