tell me how to convince DH to have a second child

[confever]

Before I am flamed, I know there is no compromise here and if DH does not want a second child, we cannot have one. Also, there is no risk of me leaving the relationship over this, as he is a really great guy and we are in other respects very happy.

We had DC one 8 years ago. It was a difficult pregnancy and birth and we struggled quite a bit financially for the first few years (nursery fees, trying to buy a house etc). Neither of us had a huge desire for another DC, I always said if I was going to have a second one I would do it soon after and so we decided that we would leave it at one.

Roll on a few years and I have been hit by massive broodiness. I hugely regret the decision to make DC an only child, when we could probably have quite easily had a second one. We are in a much better situation financially. I am nearly 40 so the clock is seriously ticking and I am realistic about the fact that it might not even be possible at this stage and the risks are greater. But I feel that there may still be time and I would love to try for one more.

DH, who is a loving and brilliant Dad, just says he feels he is too old (42), that we are past that phase and he just doesn't want to do it again.

I know it has to be his decision, but can any of you ladies help me out with any convincing arguments for number two other than I really want to have another baby and I really want our DC to have a sibling?

You don’t.

You don't what alpaca?

How would you feel if he pestered you into having a child you didn’t want?
Sorry to sound insensitive, persuasion is a recipe for disaster. You can try talking to him about your feelings, he may change his mind, he may not.

You don’t persuade him, it has to be entirely something he comes round to. I think you talk honestly and openly about your feelings and hope he changes his mind. Persuade seems so, one sided, perhaps it’s me.

I didn't ask how to pester him. I wouldn't force him and I certainly wouldn't trick him into it. I'm just asking if anyone can add any inspiring or persuasive arguments or even if anyone has had experience of a partner who was resistant to the idea but maybe came around?

His main argument is actually about his age and I just don't think he's terribly old at 42, it's not like he's in his sixties.

I don't think your can 'convince' him

Tell him how you feel but a change of heart needs to come from him

8 years is quite a gap

I think it's hard as you both made a joint decision and now you've gone back on it. The age gap is so big that it would be starting again so I can see his pov. I'd just talk to him about your feelings again. Do you know anyone of a similar age with a newborn so he can see they can still cope and remind him of the good points?

Alpacanorange i think that's what she meant though, how can she talk to him, what can she say?

I think it is reasonable for you to ask for a conversation about it, to go into the conversation with an idea of WHY you want a baby and a discussion about what will happen if you do/don't in terms of practicalities (finances, childcare etc.)

I have a 7 yr old DS and a baby and my DS loves his baby sister so much. I have 3DCs in total and it's lovely to see their bond. Perhaps you could discuss the pros and cons of the situation for your DS as he is the person who matters most to you both in this. Will he benefit or lose out overall from a baby sibling? How will you deal with the negative impacts?

You know you can't force him but it's also worth reflecting on the fact that this last yearning for a baby is a biological thing and happens to a lot of women. Are you sure you have thought through all the consequences?

9 years is a hell of a gap. I know lots of people do it and love it but an awful lot don't for good reasons.

Just talk about your feelings. Imo that is the only reason he might decide to go for something so big.

@confever I get where you're coming from. I have a DD from a previous relationship and had a shitty pregnancy and time when she was a baby cos of ex. New DP is 41 and we've been trying for over a year with no luck. He wants to stop trying at xmas as he dsnt want to be an old dad. He'd be an amazing dad and want him to have that chance but I'll have to respect his wishes and I will cos he's more important to me than another child, but it does make me sad so I know how you feel. No advice bit big hugs and empathy

For perspective on the age thing my DH is 43 now but was 42 when our baby was born. He is fine. It really isnt that old.

However that may be the objection he is sharing with you. A deeper discussion may bring more things to light.

It’s funny because there was a thread the other day where the op wanted a dog but her dh didn’t and most people told her just to get one.
Anyway, my dh wasn’t keen, big age gap, I was 40. I said well I’ve taken care of contraception for years I’m not taking it anymore. Got pregnant and he was really enthusiastic from then on. I think the part he didn’t want to actively think about was the ttc part. Our littlest is utterly delightful and everything I’d hoped for.
Have you said why you want another? Talked through his reservations?

A dog is hardly the dame thing ohcrepe what if you had said that about contraception and he went and got the snip?

One of the arguments for having a second usually revolve around giving your first child a sibling/ someone to play with etc- but the age gap is too big for this to be a realistic expectation.

I think it's normal to have a surge of broodiness in the last few years of fertility.

I don't think you should 'convince' him either. No one should have a child they don't want.

Are the reasons for deciding to stop at 1 not still valid? I suppose what I'm trying to say is try to separate your genuine reasons for wanting another from pure hormonal reaction (that may not actually be possible, I know).

I had a similar age gap for a variety of reasons, and honestly op, it's harder than I imagined it would be. I agree to having a conversation with him about the pros and cons, but if he isn't keen try to focus on the many positives of having an only.

My DH is 37 (not as old but almost) but I'm younger we have a DD 2 years and he didn't want anymore said he was getting to old but now we are planning #2, BUT I do everything for my DD and will do everything for the next DC, maybe talk to him and tell him you will do 99% of it ( if you feel you can) if he can't be bothered due to age ?

Thanks for your replies, there are some interesting points to think about.

I think the thing is that we haven't got far in our discussions so far. He has just quickly said "no, I"m too old, not up for that" and then it's been hard to have a deeper discussion about it.

I know this last minute broodiness is a thing and that a 9 year gap is huge. But age gaps happen and would still give my older DC a sibling. I'm going through quite a lot of turmoil over it because I feel like this is literally my last chance. Soon the door will close forever on my fertility and there will be no hope. Right now I feel like there is some hope but DH is not open to it. I"m struggling to get across to him my depth of feeling about it. At the same time, I can totally see his point and his reservation about it. I just want to keep the discussion open for longer because it feels like a huge thing for me to let go of forever.

Oh bless it’s difficult. I think you can only explain how you feel to your husband. You both may love having a baby under different circumstances (eg better financial circumstances), more confident second time round etc.

You really have to get him on board though, the childcare cost could fund holidays/larger house. With a gap of 8-9 years it will be difficult to get both children doing the same thing, though I’m sure they’ll love each other.

I’m two years off 40 and have to say I’m really excited about my 40s being a bit more about me again and having a bit more sleep.

Wishing you well in your decision

42 isn't that old to become a father. OH was 48 when DD was born.

However, if your OH doesn't want anothe child then it trumps your desire to have one. Sorry.

If it’s just age 42 is really not old, actually very average especially for a Dad.

Do you think it could be something more? Did he struggle a lot during the baby years?

What about your friends and family, how old are they and their children? Has he spent much time with babies/ toddlers recently?

Also my reasons for wanting older DC to have a sibling is not so much about them playing together as I realise it is too late for that but just going through life and in later years.

The reasons for stopping at one don't really apply any more. We are much better off financially and live in a nice house. And where I didn't have a huge desire before to have a second, I do now and that is something I know DH is struggling to get his head around.

Also DH was out of work for a couple of years when our DC was young and he spent time at home looking after him. He did this really well and it made them close but it was hard going and isolating for him and he is much happier now back at work and doing well in his career. With a second DC he definitely wouldn't need to be at home. I have a well paid job we are not short of money.