tell me how to convince DH to have a second child

[confever]

Before I am flamed, I know there is no compromise here and if DH does not want a second child, we cannot have one. Also, there is no risk of me leaving the relationship over this, as he is a really great guy and we are in other respects very happy.

We had DC one 8 years ago. It was a difficult pregnancy and birth and we struggled quite a bit financially for the first few years (nursery fees, trying to buy a house etc). Neither of us had a huge desire for another DC, I always said if I was going to have a second one I would do it soon after and so we decided that we would leave it at one.

Roll on a few years and I have been hit by massive broodiness. I hugely regret the decision to make DC an only child, when we could probably have quite easily had a second one. We are in a much better situation financially. I am nearly 40 so the clock is seriously ticking and I am realistic about the fact that it might not even be possible at this stage and the risks are greater. But I feel that there may still be time and I would love to try for one more.

DH, who is a loving and brilliant Dad, just says he feels he is too old (42), that we are past that phase and he just doesn't want to do it again.

I know it has to be his decision, but can any of you ladies help me out with any convincing arguments for number two other than I really want to have another baby and I really want our DC to have a sibling?

The age thing is individual choice though isn't it? I'm 41 and would never ever consider another child at my age. A colleague is pregnant at 47. It's up to him to decide if he feels old or young enough to have another.

It’s funny because there was a thread the other day where the op wanted a dog but her dh didn’t and most people told her just to get one.
Anyway, my dh wasn’t keen, big age gap, I was 40. I said well I’ve taken care of contraception for years I’m not taking it anymore. Got pregnant and he was really enthusiastic from then on

Bit of a ridiculous gamble. A baby isn't like a dog, you can't pass it on or drop it to a home if your partner goes mad or ends up resenting it.

I wanted a second child and DH didn’t. I’m one of 4, and I couldn’t imagine DS not having any siblings, especially as we got older (I was 37 when I had him, DH is 4 years younger). We spoke a lot about the benefits of siblings. DH has one sibling, and they are not close. DH did come to realise what I meant, and agree with it, and we were fortunate to have another child quite easily, although our age gap is only 3 years. It took him a few months to come to this conclusion, and also come up with an action plan on how he’d look after dd by himself if I got hyperemisis again.

He may not "owe" you a second child but he does at least owe you a serious discussion about the subject. You can also ask him to take over the contraception (preventing a baby you want is a bit much).

Well I had a dog from 6 weeks old to 13 years when she died and in many many ways she was harder work than a child. My 13 yo ds certainly doesn’t piss and shit all over the place or start crying and scrabbling at the door at 3 in the morning.
If dh has said he’d get the snip then yes that’s up to him but I knew he didn’t want to.
Why should the men decide anyway? 9 times out of ten their lives hardly change in terms of work etc, especially when going from 1 to 2. Pisses me right off that the accepted stance is that the man who says no wins. And on here everyone seems to want to try and deter women from having more children if there’s a gap especially. I don’t get it, it’s worked so well for us.

It wasn’t a ridiculous gamble. I was making a choice about my own fertility and dh made his fully informed choice too.

I think people are missing the point about age and his reservations. It's not that 42 is old, it's not. It's probably more likely that he want a to relax more in his fifties without still raising a younger child and having the responsibilities that brings.

My DSis had a 12 yr old and an 8 yr old when they fell pregnant with their 3rd - my BIL was 42 at the time, he is a reasonably healthy fit person but the age gap and becoming a father again just as he was getting his independence back really knocked him... He was tired all the time from the baby and he went into depression that he technically didn't choose to have another, and the prospect of his whole adult life being looking after small children... He had dreams that were now unachievable and he grieved a little I think. Yes its his own fault but if your DH says he is too old, he really wouldn't be happy. I know how you feel though, my friend at 38 had one DD age 9, she had this uncontrollable desire for a sibling... She became frantic and her marriage almost broke down over it, but about a year later she couldn't believe her body made her feel that way, and now she is so pleased she only had the one. Try and have a conversation about how you feel about everything

I have a 10 year old and nearly 8 year old. Would love a third but the age gap does put me off. I think you need to consider things like holidays, it will be really hard to do things with a 9 year old when the baby needs feeding/eating sand on the beach etc. Also keeping a younger child occupied when the older one is doing activities etc And doing the school run all over again once your eldest is in high school. It might well be one of those things that is nice in theory but the practicalities are different. My DH is much like yours although we are still in our thirties. I’ve accepted that we both need to be on board and that’s not going to happen. I do feel for you though, as it’s hard to come to terms with.

Don't do it! My life would be so much more peaceful without my two children annoying each other all the time.

When does it stop though? I think it’s natural to want more, especially when you’re nearing the end of your fertile years. I’ve just had my third which was DEFINITELY my last. Felt awful throughout pregnancy and couldn’t wait for it to be over. Now I have a four week old and I’m still mourning the fact I probably won’t have any more. I think it’s in our nature as females to feel broody. Sit down with your DH and tell him you’re serious about a baby and get him to discuss it with you properly. If he isn’t going to budge then you’ll just have to let it go

Your DH doesn't have to justify why he doesn't want another child.

Thanks again for all of your input. It is interesting to hear the different perspectives. It does seem like this time around it would have less of an impact on him in terms of career and time off work etc but realistically a baby would be a huge upheaval in the house and I realise that. I just feel though that we're parents already, it's not as big as the initial change from being child free to having a child to consider. We are completely used to school runs and entertaining a child etc and this time around would be so much better set up as I feel like we know what we are doing, we can afford it financially. I do just want the chance to do it one more time and to not feel I have made this decision for my DC to be an only child, which I genuinely regret.

Ihatethearchers well actually since him not wanting to have another child means I also can't have another child, I think he does need to justify it or at least communicate a bit more about it. The implications for me and for our DC are big.

It seems you are doing this to purely give your son a sibling.

Honestly that is silly as there will be a decade age gap. You will be rasing two only children basically and there is no guarantee they will be close as adults.

It isn't just to give him a sibling, though that is part of it. I know there is no guarantee of siblings being close but I think they are better to have than not have, particularly as you get older and your parents get older. But a big part of it is that I would like another one myself, I would love to experience the whole thing for a second time. I don't want that possibility to be over forever.

it's not like he's in his sixties.

But he will be by the time the kid is 18. He'll be 70 when the kid is 28.

It's not the worst thing in the world, but I imagine it might be difficult to have the energy, especially if he's still working late into his life.

I increasingly think my decision to stop at one was so ridiculous and mainly constrained by practical issues at that time. I've always been completely broody and love babies, I worked for years with young children so the decision to just allow myself one child seems so silly now. And just recently I thought but come on, maybe you don't have to live with that decision forever, maybe you can change your mind.

"Ihatethearchers well actually since him not wanting to have another child means I also can't have another child, I think he does need to justify it or at least communicate a bit more about it. The implications for me and for our DC are big."

Sorry, I don't agree. Having another child is a huge upheaval. The implications for having another are far bigger than not having one. I used to know someone who had another child, even though her husband wasn't bothered. Basically he checked out of parenthood and left all of the childcare to his wife.

I agree with BrokenFlipflop that your husband is probably looking forward to not having to worry about a young child as he approaches his 50s.

I think the PP had a really good point about such a large part of your life being about looking after small children.

My DH and his sister have a 7 year age gap. They speak about twice a year and have absolutely nothing in common. By the time he was 10 she was leaving home.

I totally understand both points of view, and think he should discuss it properly, but he probably doesn't want to because he doesn't want to have to sit across from you saying things that will upset you.

I know sethis the implications age-wise are bigger really when you look ahead. But I keep thinking, so what, maybe it adds a bit of life to your home to have younger people in it? So what if we would have a youngish DC as we approach our sixties? I actually think it's a nice idea in some ways. DH doesn't so far though :-(

I do not think you can persuade him if he doesn’t want one, my only real experience from this though is my SIL. I think she now finds it hard being an only child (but as an adult and not as a chid) because her mum has dementia and her dad has had cancer (which he is now in the clear). She doesn’t live close to them and due to her mums dementia they can’t visit her often and she can only easily go during school holidays. I think if she had a sibling then at least they could share the visits etc.
Obviously this is the POV from a child and not as a parent

Yep that was the same for me too. And I delight in every stage as I know how quickly it goes. Her older siblings absolutely adore her and love playing with her. They are old enough to walk to school on their own now and are often off out with friends and I play with my toddler dd. I am the envy of my baby mum friends when I bring along an older one and they say please can I take baby dd on the swings etc! She has us all laughing at the dinner table and singing nursery rhymes etc. The age gap means it’s less stressful I’d say. Mums i know in the same position agree.

You can't convince him but as your partner he should be willing to listen to your reasons, not just shut down the discussion. Even if yuu explain all your thinkings and he says no, at least you've been heard. I think that's important in relationships.