tell me how to convince DH to have a second child

[confever]

Before I am flamed, I know there is no compromise here and if DH does not want a second child, we cannot have one. Also, there is no risk of me leaving the relationship over this, as he is a really great guy and we are in other respects very happy.

We had DC one 8 years ago. It was a difficult pregnancy and birth and we struggled quite a bit financially for the first few years (nursery fees, trying to buy a house etc). Neither of us had a huge desire for another DC, I always said if I was going to have a second one I would do it soon after and so we decided that we would leave it at one.

Roll on a few years and I have been hit by massive broodiness. I hugely regret the decision to make DC an only child, when we could probably have quite easily had a second one. We are in a much better situation financially. I am nearly 40 so the clock is seriously ticking and I am realistic about the fact that it might not even be possible at this stage and the risks are greater. But I feel that there may still be time and I would love to try for one more.

DH, who is a loving and brilliant Dad, just says he feels he is too old (42), that we are past that phase and he just doesn't want to do it again.

I know it has to be his decision, but can any of you ladies help me out with any convincing arguments for number two other than I really want to have another baby and I really want our DC to have a sibling?

Also I don't think DH would ever check out if we did have another one. He's a very involved parent and it's never been just my territory. I guess with the pps saying about spreading the years of looking after young children over a long time, I guess I've just been thinking about how I like young children and so it seems silly to have only done it once. Also surely people with more children do spread it over a longer period, like if you had four with two year age gaps, which can't be that rare.

Who wants to be in their fifties and still taking a child to primary school? He will have done it all before, its takes a lot of energy to raise a child, I would never want to do it again at that age, especially if i knew what was coming.

But what else will he be doing in his fifties exactly? He will still have to go to work each day. Is dropping a child to school such a big deal? I don't get what he will be doing in his fifties without a younger child when he will still be working five days a week from nine to five. It's not like we could retire at 50 in any case.

Does he know how strongly you feel? If there was a genuine accident, what would his response be?

I don't think you can convince him really. He has his own mind. While I agree he isnt too old to become a father again, he feels it's too old for him and that's fair enough. I don't want to be having children past 30 personally but can still recognise that's no age for others. It's a personal thing.

Be honest with him, OP. That’s the way to do it. Tell him how you feel and how you’d feel if you never tried - and see how he responds and how he feels. He might not realise you are serious; you might not realise how serious he is; and a hundred other permutations.

I have a sibling who is 10 years older than me and we are really close. My best friend also just had her third with a 9 year gap and the older two adore the baby. So it doesn’t have to be an issue at all, but you know your existing DC.

Thanks for your further comments.

I don't think he does know how strongly I feel and we need to have another proper discussion about it. I will talk to him and explain that since it really matters to me, we need to really talk about it in depth, even if I am not going to change his mind.

The question about a genuine accident is interesting. I think if I had a genuine accident, he would very quickly be very happy about it. I had a genuine scare a while back and he was concerned but also making little jokes about decorating the nursery. That's the frustrating thing.

I have raised a child for 20 years, there is a lot more to it that driving them to school, its hard work. If I had to sit through another nativity play/melt down/tellie tubbies DVD I would slit my wrists. In my fifties I want to relax, sleep in at the weekends, go to the theatre in the evening...

Not everyone wants to go through teenage dramas until they are 60, they are soooo depressing.

Where do all these dad live who say they're too old for more DC in their late 30s/early 40s???

I live in central London and I'm expecting DC2 and my DH is 45 and a few of his mates also around the same age have small babies. It's not uncommon and it's certainly not "old".

I get it op...

I have a 1 year old and would love another... dd is not so sure... he is 40 next year.

He has let me put all the baby stuff In the attic but he says he doesn't really want another.... I struggled in pregnancy and birth was quite traumatic for him, it was for me but the feeling of love overwhelmed the hell I went through.

What I am doing is putting a plan together for money, when dd1 would be going from nursery to school, how that would work. I also try to assure him that I have done it once so I know what to expect this time around. It hasn't worked yet :(

I am leaving him to hopefully come around but I have told him that if it is an outright no then he will need to allow me to grieve for the child i won't have.

Re the age when he is 60.... if he was to have another dc now they would be 18 (uni age) so really at the time they will be looking for independence so although looking for help they won't be relying on you so much.

It's so hard when you want another baby and the other doesn't. I hold on to my little glimmers... I still have baby stuff... he hasn't had the snip... my aura tells me I will be having a boy (far fetched I know but small glimmers)

I think you need to be prepared for him to stick to his guns.... sending you hugs.

I do know how much is involved in raising a child, I have been doing it for 8 years, I just would like more of it and feel like before I know it the one I have will be in secondary school. I deeply regret not having more than one, I didn't appreciate how quickly each stage would go.

I agree that in some areas/ demographics it is more the norm to be that age. That's why I think he is unrealistic about how old he is to be having another one, it's pretty common I would have thought.

Me and my ex have a 5 year old together. He was 49 when she arrived. He has a 20 year old son from a previous marriage as well. He absolutely loves having her, he does the school run twice a week, takes her on holiday, activities and is forever out and about with her. He says she keeps him young. He's always been active, kept himself fit and been outdoorsy anyway.
I would say though as my DSS was much older it was easier to deal with. However, I've seen people with ten year age gaps struggle. And the older child really resents the younger one as they can't do the fun things they'd like with you both as the baby can't do it too. Just something to consider.

Thanks for your kind words and understanding gummy. I do hope you get the outcome you want. I am not particularly hopeful about my DH changing his mind but also feel the need to help him to understand what that really means for me and the sense of loss it would lead to.

Please don't read my post wrong. I love my dd with all my heart she is beautiful and funny and a right little character... but my heart and womb wants to carry just one more. I have only ever wanted 2 children and my dh knows that.

And there are times when dd wakes up again and I am crying cause I am so exhausted that I wonder if I can do it again but the pros weigh out the cons every time

Thank you ratbag that is an interesting perspective. We've kind of gone and done a lot of stuff like holidays since our son was little anyway, I'm not sure there's too much a younger child would prevent at this age but maybe as he got older it would. I realise it is not an ideal age gap and with the benefit of hindsight, I would have had a smaller age gap and had a second one back then.

I also was speaking in a general way a while back with DH about how I wished we had had a second child and he said with the benefit of hindsight that he wished that too. So it's not about having a second one but him feeling he is too old.

Walkingdeadfangirl Not planning on being the doting granny One day then?
I can’t wait to see another nativity etc! Been through it twice already plus I’m a teacher. Guess I really like kids!

I don't think he's that old. I'm 38 with a one year old and three year old though and I get that I'll be in my 50s when they are going through their teenage crap, which might not be to everyone's taste. The age gap between your existing child and the hypothetical one would be far too big for me though, and that would be the clincher.

It's irrelevant what any of us think though, if your husband doesn't want one then that's that. You can try to persuade him but it doesn't sound like he's even really up for the discussion.

Can you make your peace with just one?

ohcrepe I hear you! People seem keen to remind me how awful children are. I love children, I don't know what I was thinking about purposely stopping at one.

mistermagpie I am just going to have to make my peace with it if that's his final decision. As I said in my original post, we do not have any other issues between us, we are in other respects really happy and I'm not stupid enough to jeopardise my marriage over this. We generally try to really communicate about things but this is a difficult area.

Remember you might want a second child now, but in 5 years time that broody feeling will have gone and you might not be so happy going through it all again.

Don't you want a life after children before you are to old to enjoy it? Don't you want to spend time alone with your DH? Maybe that's how he feels. Its a mental rather than physical age thing.

There is 8 years between my sister and I, and we have always been very close.

OP, DH was 42 when we had our youngest. I was exceptionally broody, in the year leading up to my pregnancy and he wasn't sure. We have always had a very active sex life, and a good strong marriage where we communicate a lot. He is also a great family man. So I asked him to take over the responsibility for contraception, as I felt it wasn't fair to place sole responsibility on the person who really wanted the baby, and he was happy to do so. (We both agreed that it is so easy to blame women for 'tricking' these innocent men, and this was a situation I wanted to avoid.)

Even though we constantly talked about contraception (making sure we had plenty when I went shopping etc etc) we did occasionally take risks and we did end up having another baby. No real surprise there. We were both pleased when it happened, and baby is adored. I then took charge since the birth and was sterilized as we both agreed our family was complete.

It's true you shouldn't convince someone to have a baby. But part of being married is having frank discussions and sharing responsibilities for decisions.

I'm the middle of 3 kids, my sisters weren't that close growing up as by the time my little sister was old enough to really play properly my big sister was a grumpy tween /teen. But! In their 20s/30s they've shared a flat in London and been really close and I've felt left out!

Can you not say anything to OH but get your 8 year old to start saying they really want a baby? Might have more chance of success if your DH is anything like mine in terms of digging heels in. He's not too old at all at 42.

If it helps with your discussion. There is a 7 year can between my dh and his sibling. I just asked him and he doesn't remember it having any adverse affect on relationships or holidays etx. In fact I remember mil telling me how useful it was as the older siblings would look after the baby while she was out of the room and play with them... when the boys went to uni they in-laws would then just do holidays with the youngest so he didn't really miss out.

They were also early 40s when they had the sibling..... and this was many years ago.

Now going towards 70s they are still full of life and been on loads of holidays in their 60s after retirement.... so I think times have changed dramatically when it comes to ages

Maybe you need to employ reverse psychology tactics.. somehow making it seem like his idea?