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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

tell me how to convince DH to have a second child

119 replies

confever · 22/09/2018 20:14

Before I am flamed, I know there is no compromise here and if DH does not want a second child, we cannot have one. Also, there is no risk of me leaving the relationship over this, as he is a really great guy and we are in other respects very happy.

We had DC one 8 years ago. It was a difficult pregnancy and birth and we struggled quite a bit financially for the first few years (nursery fees, trying to buy a house etc). Neither of us had a huge desire for another DC, I always said if I was going to have a second one I would do it soon after and so we decided that we would leave it at one.

Roll on a few years and I have been hit by massive broodiness. I hugely regret the decision to make DC an only child, when we could probably have quite easily had a second one. We are in a much better situation financially. I am nearly 40 so the clock is seriously ticking and I am realistic about the fact that it might not even be possible at this stage and the risks are greater. But I feel that there may still be time and I would love to try for one more.

DH, who is a loving and brilliant Dad, just says he feels he is too old (42), that we are past that phase and he just doesn't want to do it again.

I know it has to be his decision, but can any of you ladies help me out with any convincing arguments for number two other than I really want to have another baby and I really want our DC to have a sibling?

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 22/09/2018 22:01

“So what if we would have a youngish DC as we approach our sixties? I actually think it's a nice idea in some ways. DH doesn't so far though :-(“

And you don’t seem to be able to see his point of view either Hmm
OH is 66. DD only left school this year. He was hoping to be fully retired and gallivanting around the world at this age, but he is still working because we will have to fund DD through university.

“But what else will he be doing in his fifties exactly? He will still have to go to work each day. Is dropping a child to school such a big deal?”

You really, really don’t get it do you?
Once DD had finished primary school I thought “thank God I don’t have to do that again”. Some people simply find that one is enough. I think Walkingdeadfangirl has it in a nutshell – sitting through soft play parties, nativity plays etc is mind numbingly boring.

IsabellaMoltisantixx · 22/09/2018 22:09

I think the fact people are using the age gap as the reason to say no is disgusting! And uncalled for! I have a ten year age gap with my dds through no fault of my own, had 1st young, bad pnd then just didn't get pregnant thereafter had an emotional journey of ttc
But they are close n love each other to bits people actually comment on how lucky I am cos she helps her fair share , I can leave them together if I need to pop to the loo or do gardening

So please op ignore the posters that are saying this, it's unfair.
It's not your fault you didn't have another one soon after, neither is it your dp or your ds
circumstances can hold you back

I think you just need to explain how much it means to you even try on the waterworks if necessary!!

LoniceraJaponica · 22/09/2018 22:13

"even try on the waterworks if necessary!!"

Hmm
Walkingdeadfangirl · 22/09/2018 22:13

even try on the waterworks if necessary!! Seriously, emotional blackmail?

BrokenFlipflop · 22/09/2018 22:15

I think you just need to explain how much it means to you even try on the waterworks if necessary!!

Really? Crying? What gives anyone the right to try and pressure and coerce someone to do something when they've made it clear they don't want to?

OliviaBenson · 22/09/2018 22:18

Can you not say anything to OH but get your 8 year old to start saying they really want a baby? Might have more chance of success if your DH is anything like mine in terms of digging heels in. He's not too old at all at 42.

That is an absolutely disgusting suggestion.

It doesn't matter if others on here don't think he's to old, he's said he feels too old and that's his decision. No one gets to judge that.

I'm childfree by choice and I'd be extremely annoyed at someone trying to persuade me otherwise.

No child should be brought to the earth unwanted.

Sorry op but you need to focus your energy on coming to terms with it, not trying to talk him around.

iamablockhead · 22/09/2018 22:24

I am a bit confused by all the posters saying it's unwise and or two to persuade their OH to have a baby.
I did just that to my 53 year old DH. He wasn't massively keen but went ahead for me.
He is now 58 and a besotted and adoring father to our 3yr old

iamablockhead · 22/09/2018 22:25

Unwise and/or wrong I meant to say

0hCrepe · 22/09/2018 22:33

I’m a mother by choice and I would be extremely annoyed by someone trying to persuade me otherwise.

Original poster
confever · 22/09/2018 22:33

Ok I do not intend to emotionally manipulate my DH and I would not dream of getting a child to talk to him about it. We need to have further discussions about it and I was just looking for more perspectives and ideas because our discussions so far have not got very far.
Also I don't know why people keep telling me how mind numbingly boring and awful young children are. I like them. I'm sad I didn't have more. That's why I want another one. I regret my previous choice to stop at one. I do want to do it all again.

OP posts:
AlphaBravo · 22/09/2018 22:35

8 years is a horrible gap.

0hCrepe · 22/09/2018 22:35

No it’s not.

DamsonGin · 22/09/2018 22:41

Honestly if just tell him "I keep thinking about it and would still really like another baby, will you have a think and let me know". And leave it there. If he does, he does and if he doesn't, he doesn't. I think you risk more upset if you plan and try to persuade him.

HidingFromMyKids · 22/09/2018 22:43

There is a 7/8 year gap between my brother and I.
Unfortunately my DF had an affair and walked out when my DB was weeks old. Due to this I took on a lot of parental responsibility so our relationship was very love/hate however since he was late teens we have got on so well.

I think that situation is what tested our relationship not the age gap.
I also have a friend who has a 10 year gap and it's working really well for them x

vanillapieandicecream · 22/09/2018 22:43

@AlphaBravo what a ridiculous thing to say.

I loved being the older sibling and remember so much about DS's early years. We remain incredibly close, talk every day despite living in other countries.

I think it's a wonderful age gap.

MicroManaged · 22/09/2018 22:46

8 years is a horrible gap

What a nasty thing to say.

Not true imo. There is 9 years between dc1 and dc3 and 7 years between dc2 and dc3.

Both are lovely gaps. Both immensely different to the 2 year gap we had with dc1 and 2 but each have had massive benefits and equally massive pita moments.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 22/09/2018 22:48

I've an 8-year gap between dc2 and 3 (2 years between dc 1 and 2) and it's not 'horrible' at all, quite the opposite. I also can't really agree with the dh here about being too old, nor can I get with any of this stuff about how dreadful the young-child stage is. So you'd think I'd be on the OP's 'side' in this, and, looked at that way, I am.

BUT. There's something about some of the responses here that bothers me quite a lot - almost as if people think the OP is somehow entitled to another child and any and all means for her to get it are legitimate. The truth is, nobody needs to present reasons for not wanting (or wanting - thinking of a recent thread) a child that others would deem acceptable. 'I don't want to do this', deeply and consistently felt, is enough. As in everything, non-consent has to be respected. I know, OP, that's not what you want to hear Flowers and in some ways this is terribly unfair on you, but the unfairness doesn't stem from your dh, and I would not advise you to listen to the PP egging you on to 'persuade' him.

puzzledlady · 22/09/2018 22:49

Buy he doesn’t want another OP. Whatbid he doesn’t want or treat your second child differently? What if he feels you have pushed him into it? A child is such a big decision, one that both parents should want. He doesn’t. Don’t manipulate or emotionally blackmail him into a second.

SomethingOnce · 22/09/2018 22:59

Nine years is only a big gap as kids. As adults it’s nothing.

puzzledlady · 22/09/2018 23:24

^^ not necessarily true. I have a seven year age gap with my siblings and my younger sister for sure feels it. I do at times in my life but it is what it is.

Babyshark2018 · 22/09/2018 23:24

I have 9 years between myself and my sisters. I love it, it’s great. We still have loads in common, I’ll be going with them to visit universities soon Smile.

It doesn’t matter whether you have a 1 year age gap or a 10 year age gap. Some people will be close with their siblings and others won’t. I think it depends more on your parents/ family dynamic.

BewareOfDragons · 22/09/2018 23:29

I would just be honest with him.

You really, really want another child. You know he doesn't because of his age, or so he says. (42 isn't really that old, especially when you're not the person going through the pregnancy.) And while you will obviously not have another child if he's not on board, he needs to know that you may end up feeling very bitter and resentful about it down the line. And that really could impact your marriage.

Very few people regret having their children, but many regret not having the child they wanted.

howrudeforme · 22/09/2018 23:35

Hard one. On the one hand you don’t want to force him being an older dad (not old at all), but at same time you don’t want to build up potentential resentment of not abing the chance to have second child.

My df became a parent, second time round, at 56. His daughter got married last year and he proudly walked her up the isle. It was a challenge but he and his wife raised their child.

I’m an older parent to one child. I’d have loved to have a second but was not possible. I love and am grateful for what I have.

A friend of mine had one, her dh not keen on another. Her view was that he was controlling her fertility. The argued. She had a second child and a few years on their relationship is better than ever.

No right or wrong answers (just some thoughts).

Walkingdeadfangirl · 23/09/2018 00:01

I wonder if you did mange to 'persuade' your DH to have another child would he really be on board for another 18 years when he really doesn't want to do it all again.

Its a long time in ones life and its possible he could end up resenting the burden. Does he work or mix with other women? Would you chose another baby over your marriage, would you risk one for the other. No one can tell the future and its always good to listen to the mood music.

Sometimes its best to quit whilst you are ahead if the whole team isn't fully on board.

NutElla5x · 23/09/2018 00:15

Tell him your child will need a sibling to help decide on a suitable old people's home for you both to go to in in a couple of years time lol.