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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

tell me how to convince DH to have a second child

119 replies

confever · 22/09/2018 20:14

Before I am flamed, I know there is no compromise here and if DH does not want a second child, we cannot have one. Also, there is no risk of me leaving the relationship over this, as he is a really great guy and we are in other respects very happy.

We had DC one 8 years ago. It was a difficult pregnancy and birth and we struggled quite a bit financially for the first few years (nursery fees, trying to buy a house etc). Neither of us had a huge desire for another DC, I always said if I was going to have a second one I would do it soon after and so we decided that we would leave it at one.

Roll on a few years and I have been hit by massive broodiness. I hugely regret the decision to make DC an only child, when we could probably have quite easily had a second one. We are in a much better situation financially. I am nearly 40 so the clock is seriously ticking and I am realistic about the fact that it might not even be possible at this stage and the risks are greater. But I feel that there may still be time and I would love to try for one more.

DH, who is a loving and brilliant Dad, just says he feels he is too old (42), that we are past that phase and he just doesn't want to do it again.

I know it has to be his decision, but can any of you ladies help me out with any convincing arguments for number two other than I really want to have another baby and I really want our DC to have a sibling?

OP posts:

OliviaBenson · 23/09/2018 07:30

Very few people regret having their children, but many regret not having the child they wanted.

Not true at all, people just don't admit it in real life. Threads on here pop up about this all the time.

ittakes2 · 23/09/2018 07:55

Have you considered adopting a child who is closer in age to your son? i.e. one past the exhausting baby years?

SlimmingMumOf1 · 23/09/2018 08:22

I have been pestered for ages for another child by my DH and it is downright annoying. If he doesn't want another one, then you need to respect his decision! As sad as it is for you, you still have to respect it.

TiddleTaddleTat · 23/09/2018 08:29

OP, you are beating yourself up about your reasons for originally stopping at one child. The reasons you gave - which were mainly practical - are perfectly reasonable and are good reasons for stopping at one. Children are expensive! You say that you are much better off now than you were, and money is no issue. Do you think that would still have been the case if you had originally had two children close together?
Try and be grateful for what you have. We don't know what the future holds.

hiddenmnetter · 23/09/2018 09:22

I would tell him that when he lies on his deathbed in 40 odd years time, the thought of being tired and financially stretched for a few years will be nothing compared to the love and joy that comes from a child who is loved and cherished blossoming into their own person. It’s not so much that he needs to be persuaded, but that right now it’s his fear of those difficult years that is putting him off.

No doubt parenthood is tough, but the rewards are love- the chance to grow into a much less selfish person because there is another whom you must put first. And the love that comes from that is worth it (IMO).

DamsonGin · 23/09/2018 09:46

I'm the same age as you OP, and while I adore my DC and am not wishing the time away at all, I'm very much looking forward to having my own life fully back when the time comes to fledge from the nest. It may be that your DH feels the same. The thought of starting over with another 18 years is about as far from how I can imagine my life going.

There's a risk of resentment either way with this, from you feeling he's denying you something you desperately want, or potentially him resenting being emotionally pressured into this because he feels he should make you happy. Broach it again by all means but accept with good grace if his mind is set. Not everyone wants more children.

LoniceraJaponica · 23/09/2018 09:53

"I would tell him that when he lies on his deathbed in 40 odd years time, the thought of being tired and financially stretched for a few years will be nothing compared to the love and joy that comes from a child who is loved and cherished blossoming into their own person. It’s not so much that he needs to be persuaded, but that right now it’s his fear of those difficult years that is putting him off."

Bringing up a child isn't necessarily like that hidden. You are looking at it through rose tinted spectacles. In many cases the negatives don't make the positives stand out.

PodgeBod · 23/09/2018 09:59

I think it's actually a great age gap. There is 10 years between my cousins, my aunt had the younger one at 40, and they are very close (although there was some jealousy when he was born). I think if you really want another baby you owe it to yourself to at least try to bring him round. Would you be willing to take on the lions share of care when the new baby is little?

Lyinglow50 · 23/09/2018 10:59

My 43 year old brother who is 9 years younger than me is one of my favourite siblings and I have a lot of brothers and sisters. He is a parent of 3 kids between 2 and 7. They are coping well and are wonderful parents. It's a busy household but they are happy.

When he was about 19 he stayed with me in London for a while and we socialised together all the time.

Everyone's situation is different though and your husband is entitled to his decision. Honestly if I was in your shoes I would try to change his mind. I'm not proud of saying that but I would.

My parents had my brother when they were about 41 (a last late one). They are in their 80's now and because he was spoilt (even he doesn't deny this) he is the apple of their eye. They love us all but he is a really lovely person.

I don't think you should give up hope. It won't be easy. Your husband has every right to not want a child. It's a tough situation for both you and your husband.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 23/09/2018 11:23

You can all give stories of how wonderful an age gap it is or now great being a new parent again is in your 40’s but you are not this man.

He has made a valid choice to not want another child. No doubt his reasoning is sound and fits his beliefs, lifestyle and future plans.

Let it go and enjoy what you have why you have it.

JacquesHammer · 23/09/2018 11:27

He doesn’t owe you another child or have to change his mind.

He does however owe you a frank and honest discussion about both your feelings. He also needs to be willing to take some responsibility for longer term contraception.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 23/09/2018 11:33

But it sounds like you have had the discussion if he has told you he feels too old, past the baby stage and just doesn’t want to do it again. I can’t see what more he can add as they are things that are not going to change.

The long term future contraception needs to be agreed if you are unwilling to continue with what ever method you use now but I think if you just keep rehashing his reasons why he doesn’t want another child you could just cause resentment for both yourself and oh.

Original poster

confever · 23/09/2018 11:45

Thank you for your further thoughts and for those of you have said kind words and expressed empathy, I appreciate it. I am actually sympathetic to his point of view and perhaps that doesn't come across. It's just a tough situation as his not wanting another one is an obstacle to me having another one and there is no easy way to resolve that. I am hoping that either he does have a change of heart or that I can find a way in my heart to make peace with it because right now neither of those things is happening.
I am thankful for what I have and will not compromise the relationship over this as we are in all other respects in a really good place. In fact feeling so close to him and being so happy together has fuelled my broodiness and the feeling that I would love one more with him.
I lost a parent a couple of years ago and I guess that was the start of really wishing I had given our other child a sibling as my own siblings have been a great support through that.

OP posts:

NutElla5x · 23/09/2018 12:27

I lost a parent a couple of years ago and I guess that was the start of really wishing I had given our other child a sibling as my own siblings have been a great support through that.

I jested in my post above,but the truth is that this is actually what I had in the back of my mind when I was typing.I,like many others, have suffered a lot of family tragedy over the last few years and without the support of my siblings I wouldn't have coped half as well as I did.On the flip side your kids could end up hating each other and fighting over your will,you just don't know,so that's not a good enough reason on it's own to go ahead and have another child I don't think.

Givemeallyourcucumber · 23/09/2018 12:49

I have to say I am only 30 but I now feel too old for anymore DCs! I have 3 and they will all be in the leaving home age by the time I am 42. I can't wait to enjoy my later life with DH doing what we want when we want!

BlueBug45 · 23/09/2018 13:27

@Nutella5x and OP the resentment I've seen tends to be between full-siblings who are around the same age or have a close age gap. For full-siblings with a large age gap to dislike/hate each other then one of them has behaved like a complete CF.

I've used the term full-siblings because with half and step siblings due to family dynamics with the different parents involved, resentment can be due to one of the parents.

Happygummibear · 23/09/2018 15:21

I guess it depends on how you have lived your life.

I was 32 when dd came. I met dh when I was 28. By then i had done all my all night partying and had loads of holidays..when we first got together we went away loads together. (He did the same before meeting me)

So now we are at the stage where we do all the things with a child/ren. But that's why I want another in the next year..so then dh will be nearing retirement when they are looking to fly the nest or certainly leading their own lives so don't need us to take them on holiday and we can enjoy our elder years.

It makes me sad that I probably won't know any gc for very long (if there are any) but that's life I guess. So with our age I would like dd to have a sibling so they can support each other when the inevitable happens.

Jeezoh · 23/09/2018 15:32

I think you may have to accept that his only reasoning may be “I don’t want to” and that should be enough for you to drop the subject. Why do you need to understand his reasons or have him understand yours? If the situations were reversed and your H was trying to think of ways to make you change your mind, how would that make you feel?

I do feel for you as broodiness can feel overpowering.

BitchQueen90 · 23/09/2018 15:33

I'm biased as I had my only DC at 22 but no way would I have another in my 40s. DS will be an adult by that time and that will be my time to do my own thing. The idea of doing school runs etc until into my 50s is hideous to me so I can see where your DH is coming from. (That is just my personal feelings on it and I appreciate that others who didn't have children until later on in life might feel different).

If that's how he feels then you might just have to accept it.

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