To be sick of this situation with school mum not liking me?

[WatsonCat]

DS is in year 5. Within his first few days in reception another mum from his year decided that she didn't like me. I don't know why. I'd had no interactions at all with her and DS wasn't even in her DS's class.

I'm not particularly bothered if she doesn't like me; I've got plenty of friends away from the school gates, and have become friends with some mums of DS's friends over the years.

But what does bother me is her behaviour. She is a bully/ringleader type. She has said many a time to her friends as I've walked past them or been standing near to them "I can't stand her", and sometimes bitches about me loudly. People put it down to me and her 'not getting on' but I've never really even engaged with the woman, and I'm not really the type to want to get into confrontations or feuds with people. She has also told her son that she doesn't like me, who has told my DS at school repeatedly over the years.

Anyway, I have been on the PTA for about 4 years now. The school has had trouble recruiting PTA members and there are very few of us, so I've done a lot of PTA things over the years; helping out at school events and during the day at school sometimes, plus other paperwork and organisational work at home. This mum that doesn't like me has now decided that she would like to join the PTA, and she phoned the head of the PTA about it. The head of the PTA then spoke to me at the school yesterday and said something along the lines of "X would like to join the PTA. I know you two don't get on but we need all the help we can get so I am telling you that I don't want any trouble when she joins, you need to make the effort to get on with her"

AIBU to be incredibly fucked off with this as a) It is not me that 'doesn't get on with her', its her that doesn't like me b)I've helped on the PTA for ages and clearly they're prioritising someone new's feelings over mine and c)I'm not the type to get involved in any trouble or confrontation at all! I've certainly never got involved in any at school or with this woman!

If you want to look like a drama llama, send a passive aggressive email.

If you don't, don't.

Personally, if I liked the PTA I'd stay for a couple of months to see how it goes. But during that time I would be absolutely delightful every time the other woman is in the vicinity. Tinkly laugh, super supportive, the lot. I would make a point of saying to her in front of everyone "It's wonderful you've joined us, we've had such trouble getting volunteers!"

The thing is, ostensibly, you do not actually have a problem with her. (I mean, you do, cos you've overheard things but imagine you hadn't for a minute). The two of you have never actually had any kind of falling out, indeed you are virtual strangers to each other.

So that is the way you need to react towards her. Your line is "I don't know what she means, I certainly don't have a problem with her" but that means that's what you have to actually portray.

To be awkward or defensive around her screams to the world that there is actually something going on.

To be delightful around her screams to the world that you are delightful.

It's not about her, it's about controlling the narrative. Taking charge of your own PR.

Carry on as usual and pretend you have no idea who this woman is, there is no reason to know her by name if you have never interacted. Just a hello I'm ....'s mum who are you? and a sorry whats your name again I have a terrible memory in front of the head of the PTA and as many members as possible. Make her seem insignificant and totally not on your radar. It will enrage her and make others think shes a bit loopy.

So sorry for this situation. I would tell the head of the PTA that you were actually pretty offended by the call and that you have been bullied by that woman for years (use those words, hard for her not to respond) and that there is no question of you behaving responsibly but that you assume you will have her full support in standing up to this ridiculous behaviour. Puts the onus back on her to stop believing a pile of shit without querying it...

Good luck.

I would not leave the PTA, you were there first. I would stand my ground too show her that you will not be bullied by a grown women who clearly has issues with herself.
She sounds like a snidey bitch who will eventually slip up, bullies never prosper.
You are a good person, she’s threatened by that. You are an invested parent, she’s threatened by that. Ffs, how old is she to be standing around saying loudly “I can’t stand her”. I would be embarrassed to be stand there with her let alone be her friend. Sounds like she should swap places with her DS at school. She’s an absolute Childish dickhead! I would be so tempted to just laugh out loud at her. Shut her down.

I would struggle with the plan of staying in and being super lovely to the woman because I would feel it looked like I was being a good girl playing nice because pta head told me to. I know that's childish and daft, but that would be why I would want out. That plus, as already said, the head talking to you like a child without even hearing your side.

Leave the PTA. You wont win this and its not worth the fight. Rejoin if you want when she leaves. Won't take long when she realises how much work involved.

💐for you op, I know how it feels.

Btw if you've never engaged with this woman how does PTA head know there's a problem? From the other party obviously. I would want t o know what's been said. She must have said some alarming things for her to think she can warn you about your behaviour. Anyone wishing to join my organisation by stating a problem between them and an existing member would be shown the door sharply. Poor behaviour.

No way would I step down from the PTA - if you do that, it just proves to everyone that you do have a problem with her (which is understandable because she sounds like a complete twat)
It will also give her more ammunition against you.

I would send a breezy reply to the email saying there is absolutely no issue from your end and that you have never engaged with this woman, so are mystified as to why there is this alleged issue.

Then, I would go out of my way to include her, I'd be polite, welcoming and just act like you are 100% fine with her. She will hate that and she won't be able to hide her true colours. By which point, people on the PTA will see you as someone who is easy going and friendly and will expose her for the nasty witch that she is.

I really think you must take the upper hand here and continue on the PTA as this would show that you don't have a problem with her. If you leave then she has got what she wants and alienated you.
You really would reiterate your complete lack of any interest in this bullying behaviour if you continued. Maybe she will show herself up on the PTA.

I would leave. I think the head of the PTA was downright insulting. You have worked with them for years with out problems. Yet are already being pulled aside and being told to behave.

This won't get better. They don't value you or the work you have done why stay.

For me, if the woman had just joined quietly, I wouldn’t have had a problem, but that mail from the head of the PTA would have upset me so much. I’d just leave quietly. People will gossip but who cares, sounds like they are gossiping anyway.

I agree with Longwayoff what has been said to make the PTA Head say that to you? I would want to know what she has been told for her to take that attitude with you! It’s not trouble making but if people are talking about you negatively it is slander.

I wouldn’t send an email. They always get picked over etc. I’d stay for at least a few meetings , be my usual calm sweet self then if I didn’t actually want to stay id leave with some nice message about relieved I’m not leaving you in the lurch. I’d also quite enjoy doing the below!
i would wait til she has joined go up to her and say hi im watsoncat, ive seen you at the school gates etc really nice to have you on board, im sure you will be a massive help. dont mention anything about her not liking you etc.

I would quite the PTA. And explain why. That there is a perception the issue is on both sides, when in fact it has been a systematic bullying by the other woman you have ignored. That you have continued to ignore it, which has led to the assumption it's on both sides when in fact it is strictly one sided. That you appreciate the time you've spent on the PTA, but will not put yourself in a position where you are consistently put down, and assumption is made that you are also responsible for or exacerbating the situation.

I'd leave the PTA because people like that are quite capable of manufacturing situations that will back up the impression that you're the problem. Why would you want the stress of doing work as a favour while knowing that the head is keeping an eye on you in case you cause trouble. FFS!

The head of the PTA sounds really rude and ungrateful. I would say exactly what scaryteacher said above. And then if you don’t get a satisfactory and respectful response I would just step away from the PTA and let them get on with it. The bullying woman sounds awful by the way. I have had someone do that to me- make comments as I walk past to say she doesn’t like me! Never had any interaction with her in my life! Fortunately for me we are not at the same schools and it hasn’t happened again. Absolutely hate bullies.

I've got one of these types. Also never spoken to her. It's sad, because our DDs get on.

This reminded me of a thread I was reading yesterday on here about a mother being jealous of an attractive mum who seemed to have everything together.

Can I ask; are you, fit, attractive, successful? Maybe she is jealous of you. That is the only thing that I can think of, to hate you for no reason at all, whatsoever, when you've never held a conversation even. Nothing else explains it.

She sounds very manipulative. I would love to know what she said to the head about you. Whatever story she passed the head should realise there are two sides to every story and considering you helped so much, I'd tell them to stick it too.

If it were me I would clear the air with the other mother and try and move on. The other mother sounds like she is stuck in Year 8.

I would explain to the head of the PTA about the situation between you being none of your making and say you would feel uncomfortable working alongside someone who shares her hatred of you to her own son and other mums so feel you have only one option and that is to stand down from the PTA. I am guessing your years and experience on the PTA would make you more valuable to her than this bullying mum (although she may feel intimidated by her if that's her character) horrible situation and not your fault, for your own well being I would remove myself and then its up to the Head of the PTA to work it out.

don't quit - and don't allow your anger to take over. That's playing righr into her hands AND it it will look like it's you who has a problem with her - and can't behave in a civil or professional manner.
Don't allow her to piss all over your hard work.

Act graciously, make her feel welcome - and kill the bitch with kindness
Treat her as you do everyone else cos she'll soon start showing her true colours to everyone.

the only thing i'd make clear to the Head is that all negative comments and gossip has been put forth by her - not you - and you expect support from the Head if she continues this behaviour.

OP - this smacks of jealousy here. I think this woman has taken a dislike to you because she is obviously jealous. Her issue, not yours, she obviously feels bad about herself - probably why she is wanting to join the PTA. It's up to you, if you enjoy helping out, continue but if you would rather not then walk away. Don't let her push you out though - she sounds like a right twat.

I am an ex PTA member. I can't be doing with all this "be the bigger person" bollocks. I'd tell the chair person that you have had a terrible time at the school having to put up with her behaviour towards you and involving your DC in it too when you have done nothing to deserve it. I'd say that you are not happy that this has now spilled over into the PTA. I's say that you are happy more people are taking interest but there is no way you are gong to sit on a committee with that women after the stress she has caused you.

Honestly, I wouldn't give a shit who thought bad of me. There are some complete bitches at my school. I don't bother with them and get on with my life and concentrate on my own friends and network who know and like me. Anyone with half a brain can recognise a bitch and their victim, it is the spineless ones who don't pull them up on it and enable it.

I quit my PTA not because of someone, but because I finally decided that I wasn't going to give up another minute of my time to a group of parents who think they shit gold nuggets.