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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of this situation with school mum not liking me?

176 replies

WatsonCat · 22/09/2018 14:48

DS is in year 5. Within his first few days in reception another mum from his year decided that she didn't like me. I don't know why. I'd had no interactions at all with her and DS wasn't even in her DS's class.

I'm not particularly bothered if she doesn't like me; I've got plenty of friends away from the school gates, and have become friends with some mums of DS's friends over the years.

But what does bother me is her behaviour. She is a bully/ringleader type. She has said many a time to her friends as I've walked past them or been standing near to them "I can't stand her", and sometimes bitches about me loudly. People put it down to me and her 'not getting on' but I've never really even engaged with the woman, and I'm not really the type to want to get into confrontations or feuds with people. She has also told her son that she doesn't like me, who has told my DS at school repeatedly over the years.

Anyway, I have been on the PTA for about 4 years now. The school has had trouble recruiting PTA members and there are very few of us, so I've done a lot of PTA things over the years; helping out at school events and during the day at school sometimes, plus other paperwork and organisational work at home. This mum that doesn't like me has now decided that she would like to join the PTA, and she phoned the head of the PTA about it. The head of the PTA then spoke to me at the school yesterday and said something along the lines of "X would like to join the PTA. I know you two don't get on but we need all the help we can get so I am telling you that I don't want any trouble when she joins, you need to make the effort to get on with her"

AIBU to be incredibly fucked off with this as a) It is not me that 'doesn't get on with her', its her that doesn't like me b)I've helped on the PTA for ages and clearly they're prioritising someone new's feelings over mine and c)I'm not the type to get involved in any trouble or confrontation at all! I've certainly never got involved in any at school or with this woman!

OP posts:

WhiteCoyote · 22/09/2018 16:38

I haven’t got much in the way of advice, but I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel and how frustrating it is.

My brother is exactly the same way as this woman. We got along ok (were never close, but never argued either) when he quite abruptly starting talking shit behind my back, slagging me off and telling the family how awful I am. When my sister asked what his problem was he just said he didn’t like the person I’d become. We never had a single cross word between us. I’d never said a bad thing about him.

Our mum is angry with both of us and told me I shouldn’t argue with him and just get along - even though he’s the one with the problem. I seem to be getting a lot of the blame.

It’s incredibly frustrating and I completely get how you feel.

misstblue2 · 22/09/2018 16:42

i don't understand how everyone knows that you two don't get on if there as never been any arguement or confrontation.
are you both slagging each other off to anyone that will listen.

DarlingNikita · 22/09/2018 16:43

I'd send DeaflySilence's email.

And challenge this woman. Next time you hear her say "I can't stand her", or bitch about you, stop dead, look her in the eye and say 'What did you say?'

If, like most bullies, she is at heart a coward, she'll do a screeching U-turn.

Hanyu · 22/09/2018 16:44

It does sound demented.

I bet the PTA head is all high on the drama of the situation too. It's schaudenfraude.

The best way to deal with drama llamas is to not engage.

GirlFliesHome · 22/09/2018 16:45

Op and WhiteCoyote you have here the classic example of-people tip-toeing around the most difficult person in the room. The other mother and White's brother are the unreasonable ones, and people know that at least subconsciously so they expect the most accommodating person to accommodate.

I say fuck that.

I think the Op should just say 'I have never had a problem with so and so and I am not sure why she has a problem with me. But it is great an extra bod is joining the PTA as I have been wanting to step away from it anyway.'

Then skip away and just laugh as a person with this sort of personality causes division and mayhem. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Sugarformyhoney · 22/09/2018 16:52

I had really similar with a school mum who hated me because my dd ‘stole’ her dds friend.
Anyway she tried everything to annoy me and exclude me but I just got in breezily with my day, chatted to everyone and appeared totally oblivious. She HATED it.
I’d guess cunty mum is annoyed you’re not biting so has decided to up the anti.
Smile sweetly and say you have no issue with it, then get ‘really busy’ with another project. Honestly in a couple of years this twat will be a distant memory.
My cunty mum is still a high school cunty mum and tries to control her dds friendships etc who now sadly has lots of friendship and anxiety issues. It’s actually quite sad. Whereas I’m back at work and my Dd is just living normal high school life. Anyway, total oblivion is the best revenge

Juells · 22/09/2018 16:54

HRTFT (just first page) but I'd be inclined to tell the head that the woman has been bullying you for four years - which she has - and you're now leaving the PTA. The head has obviously been fed a line that she's swallowed, instead of checking with you, so leave them to it. I'd be very upset at my work over the years being unappreciated. I might even secretly cry :(

Original poster

WatsonCat · 22/09/2018 16:57

For those that have said how do people know, well presumably it's because she bitches about me all the time, and says loudly that she can't stand me.

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/09/2018 16:59

I would tell the head of the PTA that you were insulted that after being on the PTA for years you are considered the troublemaker because of what someone you have never spoken to has told them about you.

If you are considered a troublemaker then you will bow out of the PTA then wish them good luck for the future.

DancingDot · 22/09/2018 17:02

I wouldn't be able to leave the pta because I am very very stubborn. I also think that sending e-mails, messages to the PTA head is feeding into the drama. You should have simply said "I have no idea what you are talking about, I don't know Eejitmum" smiled and walked away.

I'll give you the same advice I'd give my children if they are at getting a hard time at an activity - If you love doing the activity do not allow anyone else to stop you from doing it. Go, keep your distance, have fun.

Encourage some of your friends to join too and you may feel a bit more emboldened by their presence.

Juells · 22/09/2018 17:05

I wouldn't give my labour for free where it isn't appreciated. Nobody loves doing all that grunt-work, surely? People do it to help out.

MapleLeafRag · 22/09/2018 17:06

Presumably bully mum wants you to leave the PTA.

I would stay a member but just not do anything for them - no turning up to meetings or doing paperwork or helping at the fete, just nothing. When asked say "no I can't help with that".

Oakmaiden · 22/09/2018 17:06

I wouldn't want to walk away from the PTA as 1. it would give her the chance to poison more people against me and 2. it makes it lok like I {you} do in fact have a problem with her.

MadameButterface · 22/09/2018 17:10

don't leave because it will look like no smoke without fire

just stay on and be nice and treat her like you would anyone else, and if she decides to be an arsehole it'll be obvious to all and sundry

agree about feeding the drama with emails etc

sometimes advice about the best way to handle a situation is not the same as advice that will make for an interesting thread.

misstblue2 · 22/09/2018 17:16

it's what the head of the pta says to you that makes me think theres more to this than your letting on
why would she say you two don't get on if its just the woman doing the bad mouthing and your ignoring her and
you need to make an effort to get on, i don't want any trouble.
it reads to me like you and the woman have had words
anyway you could stay in the pta and kill her with kindness
confront her and tell her to grow up
or leave the group

ClothOnASloth · 22/09/2018 17:24

If you've been on the PTA for 4 years, it makes no sense that the other mum would be joining now to get at you. Why would she wait for 4 years?

A far more likely scenario is that the PTA head has been approaching people to join. Other mum has tried to get out of it by citing a personality clash. PTA head has then taken it upon herself to 'clear the way' for other mum.

I would stay and see whether the other mum actually joins.

Juells · 22/09/2018 17:28

DUH I'm so dim, that would never have occurred to me and it's a much more likely scenario.

WorraLiberty · 22/09/2018 17:31

OP are you sure there isn't a bit more to this?

It's very strange that this started in Reception and yet five years on, you still don't know why she doesn't like you?

If she's been telling all and sundry, surely you must have some clue by now?

ektomarie · 22/09/2018 17:36

So do what they ask. Do make the effort to be kind and polite and welcoming, showing everyone she’s the problem. Best way to get your revenge is to show that she can’t get to you. It will drive her crazy that you’re above her petty shit stirring and popularity contests. Show her that you see right through her and can look her in the eye with a polite smile. The asshole.

SassitudeandSparkle · 22/09/2018 17:39

Yes, in all this time she's been telling people she hates you she has never said why

I can't imagine anyone joining a PTA just to get at someone else. If she is, then she'll run out of steam after the first few events. If the OP has never made a scene, then she is unlikely to start at the first meeting.

Sending an aggressive email is going to make the OP look bad. Why not just stick with the PTA for now and see what happens? If the other mum starts mouthing off in meetings then she's going to look deranged anyway!

misstblue2 · 22/09/2018 17:40

thats what i'm thinking worra

mommybear1 · 22/09/2018 17:41

@WatsonCat I agree with @Oakmaiden has said don't let her win keep calm and carry on you have clearly done a great job on PTA don't let her bully you out of that.

rOsie80 · 22/09/2018 17:49

She is threatened by you. Hold your own. Confront her politely and ask her out for a coffee if you feel inclined just to set her off guard. Else just ride it out. Eventually others will see her what she is. Those who bitch about others are most likely doing the same about those they bitch to. People aren't stupid. She's a dick. Don't sweat it. X

needakickupthearse · 22/09/2018 17:57

Your a better woman than me , if someone said even once 'I can't stand her' as I walked past for no reason what so ever I'd wait until she's off the school grounds without her possy and ask her what her fucking problem is! She's a bully she needs confronting and knocking down a peg , the horrible nasty bitch. She obviously gone to the head and told them 'the problem ' as why would they say that to you ? I'd have to confront find out , then I'd tell the head to stick her pta up her arse , keep us posted and good luck x

AHoleInTheWorld · 22/09/2018 17:59

I wouldn't back off the PTA, I can't help but think that she's joining on purpose just to shit stir. She's not getting the reaction she wants off you by making rude comments when you walk by so she wants to try and take something from you instead.

Don't let her.

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