To be sick of this situation with school mum not liking me?

[WatsonCat]

DS is in year 5. Within his first few days in reception another mum from his year decided that she didn't like me. I don't know why. I'd had no interactions at all with her and DS wasn't even in her DS's class.

I'm not particularly bothered if she doesn't like me; I've got plenty of friends away from the school gates, and have become friends with some mums of DS's friends over the years.

But what does bother me is her behaviour. She is a bully/ringleader type. She has said many a time to her friends as I've walked past them or been standing near to them "I can't stand her", and sometimes bitches about me loudly. People put it down to me and her 'not getting on' but I've never really even engaged with the woman, and I'm not really the type to want to get into confrontations or feuds with people. She has also told her son that she doesn't like me, who has told my DS at school repeatedly over the years.

Anyway, I have been on the PTA for about 4 years now. The school has had trouble recruiting PTA members and there are very few of us, so I've done a lot of PTA things over the years; helping out at school events and during the day at school sometimes, plus other paperwork and organisational work at home. This mum that doesn't like me has now decided that she would like to join the PTA, and she phoned the head of the PTA about it. The head of the PTA then spoke to me at the school yesterday and said something along the lines of "X would like to join the PTA. I know you two don't get on but we need all the help we can get so I am telling you that I don't want any trouble when she joins, you need to make the effort to get on with her"

AIBU to be incredibly fucked off with this as a) It is not me that 'doesn't get on with her', its her that doesn't like me b)I've helped on the PTA for ages and clearly they're prioritising someone new's feelings over mine and c)I'm not the type to get involved in any trouble or confrontation at all! I've certainly never got involved in any at school or with this woman!

Tell them to shove it .

I really wouldn't be able to make myself do any more work for them if I'd been treated with such disrespect. I do take everyone's point about being pushed out, but it's unpaid work. I'd gently slide away and become less and less available.

Personally I'd ask her outright in front of witnesses what her problem was!

I'd tell the PTA dick (who should KNOW you better by now - assuming of course you're being honest here) to shove it! If your previous help is so unappreciated that they take someone else's word over yours they deserve all they get! And yes I'd be telling them that you're quitting not because you have a problem with the other mum but because it's been made clear they don't know you well enough to know better, and that your previous contributions are obviously completely unappreciated!

Based on what you've said its a mere matter of time before she causes some kind of shit storm in the pta!

I like MaryDolls email!

I'd dump the PTA. If they don't know you well enough after 4 yrs they can get lost. Also, if you remove yourself from the PTA, she'll have to pick up the work and not be able to wind you up and be nasty, so she'll be annoyed!

I would draw right back from the PTA. She has contact the head and made it clear enough she has a problem with you that the head felt she needed to talk to you. She isn't going to let you run along amicably! I would resign from the PTA. Stating you feel uncomfortable being spoken to like a child over someone else issue.

@MaryDollNesbitt perfect response.
Totally send this and your DCs groups are anything like mine another group will snap you hand off for some help rather than the PTA.

I'd take my support and organisational skills where they were appreciated OP. The other woman has issues & her 'opening shot' has already undermined your PTA role. Any charity or animal rescue would be lucky to have you.

This reminds me of 2 of my friends who disliked eachother, which came to a head with A calling B a cunt. B found out and took great offence.

When I next saw A she was baffled "I don't know why she's upset! I offered to meet B and explain why she's a cunt.. but she said no."

Dunno why but it really tickled me.

Ask her what her beef is OP!

I like MaryDollNesbitt email but the end bit about being a “bigger woman” and not “signing up to be a whipping girl” is a bit mega-dramz and OTT. Its projecting and could be used against you

Instead I’d throw something more bland in. An excuse along the lines of that you have needed to back away for some time due to change in circumstance anyway - it’s been difficult to juggle everything so it’s maybe fortuitous this happened and you are pleased awfulwomans arrival means you are not leaving them in the lurch.
You are delighted to have been able to provide some much support over the last 4 year and Best of luck with your future endeavours...

I definitely would resign though. I don’t think I’d be able to deal with the mental load of trying to outmanoeuvre her all the time.

I agree that you need to draw back from the PTA, possibly using one of the suggested 'I've been thinking about it and...' emails above. But if you still want to help, you can, as an ad hoc pair of hands for the projects you want to do for them (and which do not involve people who dislike you)

If this genuinely isn't about something you've done, then don't quit the pta, everyone will assume she's right and it's you that's the problem.

Don't leave the pta, you will look like the bad guy and as if it is you that has a problem with her. She will quickly show her true colours so just be polite to her until then.

How can you have left it this long without asking her what the problem is?

Do not send the email. It is awful.
BroomHandledMouser is on the right lines.

“I don’t know what the issue is. I don’t have a problem with her” is the right approach.

I cringed at the email.

Don't leave the pta, you will look like the bad guy and as if it is you that has a problem with her. She will quickly show her true colours so just be polite to her until then.

Seconding this.

I think you should email the pta and include the head teacher, explaining you don’t understand why she has an issue with you and ask for a meeting with her and the Pta head.

She’s been talking about you behind your back and in front of you for the best part of 5 years.. she’s a bully so stand up to her.
People often believe there is no smoke without fire.
Clearly the Pta head believes her so find out what the problem is.
Bullies back off when challenged

Don’t send an email, anything you say will sound defensive! Your actions will speak louder than your words, so treat her as you would anyone else you don’t want to engage with - be polite, distant and calm. Then if she kicks off, she’ll show her true colours.

If she is doing it to wind you up, you acting that way will annoy her more than you leaving it blowing up at her. Continue to be publicly bemused by why you don’t get on and don’t give her any ammo.

God, there's some really terrible advice on this thread.

Random school mum doesn't matter.

You're on the PTA because you want to help out at the school. So be on the PTA.

Do not send a daft email (if you need to say something to someone, then say it, do not send an cringey, righteous email - seriously, if you haven't got the balls to actually say if, then it shouldn't be said at all), and don't quit the PTA.

Just carry on living your life as you have always done.

People stud6 law for 6 years before being allowed to practis3 to wean them from the habit of sending emails like that

Sorry, overexcited IPad

I agree with saucy and the other posters saying that if you leave the PTA now it looks like you are the drama llama trouble maker. The PTA head handled the conversation badly considering your body of work. The other members know how hard you work don't be hounded out by this woman. Even if you want to leave give it a few weeks/meetings and bow out gracefully.

Good luck OP.

Dear Head of PTA

I really enjoy working with the PTA and feel that over the last 4 years, I've given a lot of my time and effort to help the school. Given this, I am a bit concerned and very confused that you felt it necessary to tell me you didn't want any trouble with X and that I needed to make an effort to get on with her. I'm confused because I have never even had a conversation with X and have absolutely no clue why she seems to dislike me so much. She frequently comments loudly about me when I walk past and creates a really unpleasant atmosphere, which I have never responded to. It's obvious though that there will be a difficult atmosphere on the PTA once she joins and I feel really backed into a corner because this isn't a situation of my making and in addition, I'm also confused about why you think I would cause trouble when I have never behaved inappropriately in any way in the 4 years we have worked together. I don't want to leave the PTA as I have really enjoyed helping out to benefit the children and the school but I'm not sure how things can work going forward when X has decided she dislikes me without ever even talking to me and you have decided that the responsibility for this seems to lie with me.

I wish you all the very best ongoing and am sad to have to leave, especially under these circumstances, which aren't of my making. If X decides to talk to me about what I could possibly have done to cause her dislike of me and the air can be cleared, I would be more than happy to return but otherwise, unfortunately I feel I have no choice but to resign with immediate effect.

Best wishes...

If you have enjoyed being on the PTA then don’t leave. Don’t give that fucker what she wants.

I would approach the head and ask what she has heard about a ‘problem’ between you and the bully. Tell her you have never had a problem with the woman.

Then at all PTA meetings be over-the-top polite and fake nice to the woman. Don’t back down and ignore any of her bitchy comments. It will do her head in. When she sees she isn’t affecting you, she will give up.

Please don't send a cringey e-mail. If you love being on the PTA just carry on as normal. I personally wouldn't leave because of someone else as it would give her the satisfaction. Don't talk about her to anyone otherwise you 'll be seen as the one with the problem.

Would second the advice above to actually have a conversation with the head of pta rather than send an email. But the above is the gist of what I'd say.