To be sick of this situation with school mum not liking me?

[WatsonCat]

DS is in year 5. Within his first few days in reception another mum from his year decided that she didn't like me. I don't know why. I'd had no interactions at all with her and DS wasn't even in her DS's class.

I'm not particularly bothered if she doesn't like me; I've got plenty of friends away from the school gates, and have become friends with some mums of DS's friends over the years.

But what does bother me is her behaviour. She is a bully/ringleader type. She has said many a time to her friends as I've walked past them or been standing near to them "I can't stand her", and sometimes bitches about me loudly. People put it down to me and her 'not getting on' but I've never really even engaged with the woman, and I'm not really the type to want to get into confrontations or feuds with people. She has also told her son that she doesn't like me, who has told my DS at school repeatedly over the years.

Anyway, I have been on the PTA for about 4 years now. The school has had trouble recruiting PTA members and there are very few of us, so I've done a lot of PTA things over the years; helping out at school events and during the day at school sometimes, plus other paperwork and organisational work at home. This mum that doesn't like me has now decided that she would like to join the PTA, and she phoned the head of the PTA about it. The head of the PTA then spoke to me at the school yesterday and said something along the lines of "X would like to join the PTA. I know you two don't get on but we need all the help we can get so I am telling you that I don't want any trouble when she joins, you need to make the effort to get on with her"

AIBU to be incredibly fucked off with this as a) It is not me that 'doesn't get on with her', its her that doesn't like me b)I've helped on the PTA for ages and clearly they're prioritising someone new's feelings over mine and c)I'm not the type to get involved in any trouble or confrontation at all! I've certainly never got involved in any at school or with this woman!

Instead I’d throw something more bland in. An excuse along the lines of that you have needed to back away for some time due to change in circumstance anyway - it’s been difficult to juggle everything so it’s maybe fortuitous this happened and you are pleased awfulwomans arrival means you are not leaving them in the lurch.
You are delighted to have been able to provide some much support over the last 4 year and Best of luck with your future endeavours...

This ^ . A very mature way of ending your time and effort with the PTA.
And you can then watch awfulwoman slowly unravel....from a distance. Smiling inwardly..

Bold fail, sorry.

Deaflys email is top. Send that back out. And use that time you’d have spent slogging it out on the pta for some me time.

Sadly I can believe people can be that bitchy for fuck all reason. I had a mum in reception decide she hated me. Just blanked me when I said hello as if I was invisible. Crossed over a bloody road to avoid me. (Then her kid made a beeline for mine and she realised I worked from home so could do all the pick ups and she had to do an about turn and was literally following me around at one point). Pfft. I can’t be arsed with such bullshit but it definitely does exist.

The same thing happened to my friend, only with her NDN. It’s a small town and we were all in the same group of friends, their husbands were even friends. No one dared mention it to the NDN.

In the end they were seated next to each other at a wedding and as they’d had a few drinks my friend asked her outright what she’d done to offend. NDN was flummoxed and had to admit she’d done nothing!

It’s awful bullying behaviour.

Id step down from the PTA. Agree with others, don't give any sort of cringey exit speech, tempting as it might be.

I sympathise, woman at work is super charming to everybody EXCEPT me and I can say nothing or I'd look like the bitch

So step down and try to spend as little time as possible at the school gate. Spend the time you used to spend on the PTA doing something for you. You've done your bit.
I also did a stint on the PTA years ago and a crazy woman spread it around that I couldn't cope because of x, y and z going on in my life. Somebody offered me the chance to step down after two years instead of the usual three and I said 'eh, ok'' not over thinking it in the moment. I only later found out the back chat that had gone into that offer to me to step down. All so weird.

Dh has a saying: somebody wants your podium,no matter what level you are at.

As for why people are bitchy for no reason, well people only defend what they consider to be vulnerable. The woman in my work, she's only in the ''main gang'' because they're all the same age roughly. I think she recognises deep down that she is a bit of a vacuum and that all she has is being super fake nice and inconsistently at that. If she had a personality bursting out of her consistently then there's no way she'd be threatened by an older woman with kids who has no interest in partying. But she is. She doesn't just ignore me, she ''urinates'' around people I'm friendly with. ie, when I approach a group if she's in it she will manoeuvre herself to face me so that the person who is friendlier with me suddenly has their back to me. She'll lower her voice so that all conversations take on a private vibe when I approach. She is constantly whispering in my presence. She has told me where to sit in the tea room so that she is surrounded by people and I'm on the edge, then she will /talk quietly. She is a beige vacuum and i pity her and all she has is being a passive aggressive bully. That's her thing. She'd rather be seen to be a lovely person than actually be a decent person. If you understand the fuckwittery and univolved thinking and damaged self-esteems behind this shit it does help enormously.

I’d carry on in the pta regardless.

This woman is only have a go at you because she is jealous or has some other issue.
You’ll probably find it’s your accent or your car or your clothes, or that you are slimmer then her. Some People get wound up about things you don’t even think about. It is definitely her problem.
Plus, the pta needs people who can act professionally and not indulge in spiteful little cliques.

Don’t ditch the PTA because of her. Rise above, you do the work for the good of the children. If this woman is as horrible as you suggest it will be self evident in the group very quickly.

@crumbsinbed, so true!

When men try to take each other down, it's less hidden. I was reading about how to deal with passive aggressive snipers and it advised to make the hidden obvious. Has to be done straight away to put the other person ''on notice'' though and if you wait a year like I did, rising above it, fearing the outcome of a confrontation,then it's too late, for a year you've sent a message that they can treat you how they want to.

I would arrange a meeting with the pta head and be honest about how you feel. Don’t send an email that could be misconstrued and don’t resign, it will look like you are throwing your toys out of your pram. Be proactive and honest.

I would be tempted to say stay on the PTA and be on your best behaviour and let her show herself up with her psycho behaviour. If you leave, it will look like she was right all along and that it is you who has taken an unreasonable dislike to her. Just kill her with kindness so everyone can see that it is her with the problem.

''Don’t ditch the PTA because of her. Rise above, you do the work for the good of the children. If this woman is as horrible as you suggest it will be self evident in the group very quickly.''

I am sorry but I think this is naive and idealistic. People don't want to get involved. People fear being the one who will be excluded or targeted next. People are tribal. If the bitch is nice to 99% of people then nobody will believe you when you speak out and they will think you're the bitch. Situations like this can go on indefinitely. People ignore other people's relations. Tension between two other people will go largely unnoticed and as to whose fault it is, it will AT BEST be recorded in people's consciousness as ''six of one and half a dozen of the other''.

So she loudly comments to the people she's with as you're passing by that she can't stand you, and has bitched to her son about you, who tells your son at school? And nothing ever happened between the two of you before or between your two children that would even hint at the reason she's doing this?

I don't really get it.

I'd just say, at the next PTA meeting, how very very very pleased you are that other parents are now stepping up to do their share (better late than never, tinkly laugh) as after 5 years of doing your own share you have other life stuff you want to get on with. So, welcome new parents and goodbye.

It's hard to play a game if you're the only player.
And if she only wanted to play the game with you and you alone, then hee-hee she'll have to talk her way out of it from under a huge pile of Xmas raffle tickets and fayre flyers.

OP is '''lucky'' that the woman has made her dislike obvious. Normally in these situations it's all so covert.

I wouldn't leave the pta, unless of course you want to. Why should you?
I would carry on as you are going about your business and see what happens. Don't take any shit. Any hassle, make sure it's clear who it's by and what's happened. Don't be bullied or pushed out.
If there are any more snipes about not liking you, I would just stop and very loudly say "Did you say you don't like me? Sorry do I even know you?" Then let her try and explain why she doesn't like someone she's had no interaction with and make her look the idiot she is.

organise a meeting with her and the head of the PTA who spoke to you. Face to face is sometimes best as it outs people. If she declines then hopefully the PTA woman will see who the problems maker is then

The thing is I’d suggest staying in the pta if the op has the support of the pta head. But it’s clear she doesn’t. The head is assuming that there must be a back story, that op is somehow at least partly to blame.

She doesn’t have the pta’s full support. So for that reason I’d be out. Things will be twisted no matter what the op does.

for everyone who’s had to deal with such bitchiness.

I agree with Keepingbees. Don't leave as it will look like you have the problem. You could always front it out with the other woman and say "of course I don't have a problem with you joining the PTA, why would people think that we don't get on?" and see how she responds.

I would confront her but in a pleasant way. People like this should be called out on their behaviour.

I'd put it in writing your situation and concerns. The teacher shouldn't have said "I know you 2 don't get along" they should have asked you about the situation. Explain the situation, your concern and you upset and see what they say.

Oh noooo don’t send any of these cringey emails!

Just say great to hear someone else is joining as I’ve been looking to step down anyway as I’ve got lots on st the moment! Best of luck for the Christmas party 👍

Keep the drama out of your life

I have found it doesn’t really do to take the moral high ground it’s smazing what people choose to believe and some people are highly skilled and manipulative. Tell the Chair if the PA that you can no longer continue because you fear for your safety as she has been so spiteful to you in the past. You would feel threatened having to work closely with someone who dislikes you so intently. Put your cards on the table and say you will have to resign as you cannot continue. Then wish them well.

I would leave the pta for the fact you should not have been spoken to like you are a pupil!!
Leave the to it and see nowt get done with you gone!!
And Nasty Knickers will be disappointed!