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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should be feeding the baby?

142 replies

TiredNick · 21/09/2018 22:51

So, just a quick vote for opinions here please, who should be feeding the baby tonight?

Baby is 10 months old. Over the last week: parent A has been to work for four days, has done 5 early morning feeds, four teatime feeds and no last feed at 10pm. Has also had the morning off work today as no childcare until lunchtime.

Parent b has worked for five days, finished early today to collect baby from childcare. Done four last feeds at 10pm. Done no early morning feeds and one teatime feed.

Last night. Parent a offered to do the last feed, parent b accepted the offer of an early night. Parent a forgot this and so asked parent b at 10.30 what time the baby was being fed, causing parent b to get up from watching tv in bed and feed baby.

Historically, parent a does early
Morning and parent b does last night feed. Tonight, parent a asked parent b to do something before they fed the baby. Parent b says parent a should feed the baby tonight as parent a forgot they had offered last night. There was no discussion about this other than this interchange. Parent a assumed b would do last feed as usual, parent b assumed a would as they had forgotten they had offered last night. For background, both parents are exhausted and worn out, but who should be feeding the baby tonight? Parent a will be up early and will be allow parent b a lay in until around 9am as per most weekend mornings. Thoughts please,
A or b?

OP posts:
peachgreen · 22/09/2018 00:21

My DH was at home with me for 3 months when I had awful PND so he knows that being at home with the baby is way harder than work and therefore we do every other night. It works perfectly.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 22/09/2018 00:23

I think the problem here is you don't feel your partner is pulling their weight .....if things were more equal then it wouldn't be an issue.

We tend to work to the philosophy that it all works out in the end .... but that because we tend to take equal responsibility and although sometimes one person is doing more eventually that role is reversed.
It sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious chat about household responsibilities.

lifechangesforever · 22/09/2018 00:25

Regardless of the ridiculousness of the OP, how the fuck did the breastfeeding brigade turn up?

"At 10 month old a baby should be breastfed to sleep". What a silly thing to say and has nothing to do with the the OP.

lifechangesforever · 22/09/2018 00:28

Well yes I got the quote slightly wrong but the sentiment is exactly the same.. I say this whilst doing the first bottle feed of the night for 9 week old DD. She's absolutely fine by the way Grin perfect, I might say.

OP, I think it's more about you not thinking your partner is pulling their weight although it does seem an even split to me and more than my husband does (but I'm on maternity leave so it's different) and no, not everyone loves feeding their child at every feed.

Bowerbird5 · 22/09/2018 00:34

Maybe it isn't mum and dad! The reason for A and B. Tiredness can make you ratty.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 22/09/2018 00:42

think you should stop feeding the baby at night

Aaargh, am just feeding my 11 month old for the erm... 6th time today. Clearly I am a failure.

Does your ten month old really not wake through the night?

Of course your DH should pull his weight but surely in terms of baby related tasks there's more to be done than just feeding? You haven't mentioned baby's mealtimes, baths, nappy change etc. Who plays with him and sings to him and reads to him. If that's all you and your DH just does the occasional feed I can totally see where you are coming from. You should have a word with him.

And have you seen a GP about PND?

greenlynx · 22/09/2018 02:07

I breastfed so of course it was different. But I don’t think you can divide simply by counting, you need to take into account your strengths and weaknesses. I could easily stay up later but found very difficult to do something between 2-6 am in the morning. So we slept “in turns” , DH went to bed earlier, me later and then I stayed a little bit longer in bed in the morning.
I don’t think that it was a big deal for parent B to do feeding last night as he/she was watching TV not sleeping, unless parent A always keep forgetting about different “baby related” duties. Also parent B could easily to do the last feeding tonight as he/she was previously ok with it otherwise it looks like parent B wants to make a point.

Monday55 · 22/09/2018 03:03

Parent B should be more kind.

However, as both parents keeps assuming certain actions

Monday55 · 22/09/2018 03:04

more kind = Kinder

LassoOfTruth · 22/09/2018 03:13

What @Barracker said! Bloody hell I wish right now that it was even an option for me to have a night off from feeding my 10 month old. Smile

steff13 · 22/09/2018 03:31

I'm sorry you're struggling, but it seems fairly even to me.

I don't know how early the early feed is, I'm assuming 6 or 7, not crazy early. And 10pm is not that late. One person could probably do the last feed and the first and still get a reasonable amount of sleep.

As it is, it makes sense for one person to do the last feed and the other to do the first. That way one gets an early night and the other gets a later morning.

Why are you both so exhausted? Is the baby up all night?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2018 03:34

FWIW i BF (sometimes bottle of express/formula) so i expect the husband do ALL the cooking and cleaning. Id much rather feed baby (bottle or breast!) than clean nowadays

This. And mine woke up every single night multiple times until she was two. ALL ME. I never ever do night wakings now she's older. I'll never do one again. They are all DH's.

But competitive tiredness is awful. And everyone needs to stop the 'I'd love to feed a baby at any time' bollocks. No you wouldn't. Not if you had one that sent you insane with lack of sleep. I have permanent sleep issues five years later because she broke me.

civicxx · 22/09/2018 03:50

I don't think who should be feeding the baby is the issue here unfortunately :(

OrdinaryGirl · 22/09/2018 06:46

OP, you sound really frazzled. 😔 I can read between the lines of your post, and I think you're getting a hard time from people who perhaps haven't picked up that you're feeling totally overwhelmed and drained.

I remember feeling this infuriated about night feeding when DS1 was tiny - when you get THAT tired, all perspective just eludes you and when you perceive unfairness in division of labour, however temporary and specific and trivial, it can lead to white hot rage and a craving for 'justice'.

I could have written a post similar to yours back then, and it turned out I had PND. I didn't realise until DS1 was 7 months old. So any post I'd have written wouldn't have really been about person A or person B doing the feed at all.

So I guess I am just reaching out a paw of support to say, maybe start a new thread and talk a bit more about the underlying feelings... there are some very kind people on here who will listen and be here for you, just as they were for me. Thanks

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 22/09/2018 06:49

Stop being petty and childish and just someone feed the baby.

Parenting isn't about everything being a 50/50 split it's about each parent helping and doing their best.

Peakypush · 22/09/2018 07:02

I think it was the way you worded the post that has people on the attack OP. I imagine if you had said that you do the majority of feeds and you're frustrated that DP doesn't pull their weight or (something to that effect) then you would have received more supportive comments.

I do all my 10 month old baby's feeds - and contrary to pp's - I DO find it a chore. I'm hugely resentful that my DP is pretty crap at the daily grind of parenting. So I can understand your frustration if you feel your OH isn't pulling their weight. Just talk to them and work out a feeding rota that needs to be stuck to no matter what? It's too late for me, but this should minimize resentment creeping into your relationship?

Good luck!

jaseyraex · 22/09/2018 07:03

Surely if you want a break, that's all you need to say. Is your partner not very supportive? Are you being treated for your PND? Tiredness is awful but I couldn't imagine keeping score of feeds and bickering over them no matter how tired I am. Just tell your partner it's their turn, even if they've done all of them that day. It won't kill them to give you a day or two to relax.

Shampooeeee · 22/09/2018 07:05

The one with the boobs.

Peakypush · 22/09/2018 07:07

Just read the rest of the thread... people

BeautifulPossibilities · 22/09/2018 07:07

I did all feeds too. Through the night at that age as well, and back at work. DH couldn't but did pull his weight, although had to be directed a bit because he just didn't see things the same way-m.

icklekid · 22/09/2018 07:14

Op I would give your partner a choice. Does he want to do late feed and have lie in or an early night and do early feed. Either is fair!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 22/09/2018 07:15

If you’ve got PND you will need support. Can you talk to your health visitor or GP while he’s there

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 22/09/2018 07:22

I am confused by the descriptions above but in short it should be equal and if OH isn't pulling their weight they need to step up.

PND is a bitch and fme can make you question if yourself a lot. It's not a competition but if there's a lack of enthusiasm from one parent (can't see if there is without backstory) it can breed resentment and ferl like one.

Peakypush · 22/09/2018 07:24

The mother. A ten month old baby would normally be breast fed at night.

I'd keep the hard hat off... you deserve a good whack to the head for that. It's vile how so many idiots are piling on to try to shame the OP who clearly stated she's struggling and clearly didn't state anything about bloody breastfeeding. You should all be ashamed.

DukeOfSussex · 22/09/2018 07:31

I agree with the others I'm afraid! I love feeding my baby no matter what time of day or night!

Bollocks do you.

OP Parent B should do it if they are getting a lay in. You're both clearly on the brink if you're posting this. If B doesn't feed then A should wake B's ass up.