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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who should be feeding the baby?

142 replies

TiredNick · 21/09/2018 22:51

So, just a quick vote for opinions here please, who should be feeding the baby tonight?

Baby is 10 months old. Over the last week: parent A has been to work for four days, has done 5 early morning feeds, four teatime feeds and no last feed at 10pm. Has also had the morning off work today as no childcare until lunchtime.

Parent b has worked for five days, finished early today to collect baby from childcare. Done four last feeds at 10pm. Done no early morning feeds and one teatime feed.

Last night. Parent a offered to do the last feed, parent b accepted the offer of an early night. Parent a forgot this and so asked parent b at 10.30 what time the baby was being fed, causing parent b to get up from watching tv in bed and feed baby.

Historically, parent a does early
Morning and parent b does last night feed. Tonight, parent a asked parent b to do something before they fed the baby. Parent b says parent a should feed the baby tonight as parent a forgot they had offered last night. There was no discussion about this other than this interchange. Parent a assumed b would do last feed as usual, parent b assumed a would as they had forgotten they had offered last night. For background, both parents are exhausted and worn out, but who should be feeding the baby tonight? Parent a will be up early and will be allow parent b a lay in until around 9am as per most weekend mornings. Thoughts please,
A or b?

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 21/09/2018 23:04

Im sure people here would be very supportive of you wanting your partner to do their fair share.

But from what you've posted, both parents seem to be doing a fair amount, and have resorted to nitpicking about who said what when and whose turn it is. That's not healthy.

UsedBySomebodyAlready · 21/09/2018 23:04

This is incredible. As the parent of a severely disabled child who needs to be spoon fed every mealtime for the rest of her life I'm just glad I'm with the man I am and that we see it as a pleasure not a chore. Get a fucking grip.

lexi727 · 21/09/2018 23:04

I mean generally, in my house either one of us just feeds our DC's if they need feeding. There's never any fight or disagreement. Our baby needs feeding, so she gets fed!

BaronessBomburst · 21/09/2018 23:04

The mother.
A ten month old baby would normally be breast fed at night.

Firenight · 21/09/2018 23:05

No idea. At 10 months i was working full time and nursing all night. No concept of actually counting feeds.

Sellmyhouse · 21/09/2018 23:05

To be honest, I’d need a spreadsheet to keep track of all that. If you’re feeling like your partner isn’t doing a fair share with regards to childcare fair enough, but I don’t think that is clear just from who feeds the baby the most, and your post makes it impossible to get a sense of the bigger picture.

Original poster

TiredNick · 21/09/2018 23:06

Thanks yoyooo and barracka and a couple of others for considering there might be more to it than what’s stated. Anyone heard of PND for instance and feeling like they can’t cope? As for people like space dinosaur People like you who judge so quickly make me sick too. I’m signing off now.

OP posts:

Lwmommy · 21/09/2018 23:06

Problem here is that you have said later on that there is a lot going on with your relat ionship but the actual scenario you have asked for advice on is petty and thats why you are getting 'stop being silly' type responses.

If you had said, my partner is leaving me to do 90% of the childcare even though i only work 1 day less or something like that you will have received different responses.

spugzbunny · 21/09/2018 23:06

I'm going to need a graph OP. Maybe a scatter chart?

jomaIone · 21/09/2018 23:06

Ok if you really need advice, and support to speak to your own partner...

Say 'hey think we need to share out the early starts and late nights for a bit cause I'm knackered. Go and do the feed tomorrow night so I can get to bed early and I'll do the morning feed so you can lie in... ' not hard really.

Tillytrotter123 · 21/09/2018 23:07

Parent B as they have a lay in tomorrow however it does sound complicated! When me and my partner were exhausted we took it in turns by doing alternate nights, could you do this? You both sound shattered.

TotHappy · 21/09/2018 23:07

I'm a bit muddled over which is which, but I reckon whoever normally does night feeds should do it. One of yous done all the morning feeds and one of yous done almost all the night feeds, so they can just finish their run of night feeds as usual. Forget about the broken promises last night, it's not worth getting upset about. And I do have sympathy, because I do remember the rage and resentment over feeling so tired and never getting a break, rising to murderous levels of someone kindly offers you a break and then reneges on that. But you have to let it go, if you still want your relationship.

As for 'I loved feeding my baby at any time of the day or night'... Hahahaha haha!

chilied · 21/09/2018 23:08

Agree with @Barracker, as I am currently parent 'breast', feeding a bazillion times day and night 😪 (I love it, but also SO tired)
I know where you're coming from though, just don't have any advice on how to approach your partner, sorry

Happygummibear · 21/09/2018 23:08

Parent b should have manned up and done the feed and enjoyed the bonding time.

I ebf for over a year meaning I never got any sleep or rest and still don't as dd just wants me at night and not her daddy.... no matter what we do.

Bobbysausages · 21/09/2018 23:09

My advice would be to cut out the 10pm feed as soon as possible so you both get an earlier night 😁

Also I definitely don't 'love' feeding my baby (who is now nearly 18months) as an earlier poster suggested. It's a bloody chore!

lavalamp08 · 21/09/2018 23:10

I didn't read it all OP as I'm a mum to a 6 month old who is still up twice in the night so I'm poking matchsticks in my eyes on a daily basis but imo I think it should be your partner cos reading between the lines you are tired and just want a bit of time off cos caring for a baby is knackering at times, you'll not get much sympathy from majority of folk on here but I feel your pain
Get in bed and thank your lucky stars it's the weekend like what I'm doing #lieininthemorning.

Thatstheendofmytether · 21/09/2018 23:13

It looks like it is split pretty equally. How do you manage to keep track of all of that, do you write it down?
Really if the biggest problem you have is arguing over who's turn it is to feed the baby then you don't know you are born. Feel a bit sorry for the baby tbh. Neither parent wants the burden of providing food, ffs

TheSheepofWallSt · 21/09/2018 23:13

I think parent a and parent b should sit down, talk about how this charting of feeds, and impossibly detailed data capture of division of labour probably isn’t helpful, and maybe just agree to be mutually supportive and take each feed on a case by case basis ?

nocoolnamesleft · 21/09/2018 23:17

I think 10 pm feed no big deal as unlikely to be asleep yet. Early morning feed cuts more into sleep. So whichever parent has been doing more early morning feeds has probably had sleep impacted more.

SpaceDinosaur · 21/09/2018 23:18

Well said @Barracker
I wanted to go there but copped out as the OP clearly isn't feeding her infant. In both senses of the phrase.

I'm parent Breast too. Have been for 20 fucking months. I'm exhausted, touched out and fat as fuck because I gain weight when I'm nursing.

And I've been back at work since my baby was 2 weeks old. She has only ever had boob. I'm self employed. I work.

Still, no "who's job is it" bull shit here in the Dinosaur house. Because mother feeds the baby and non nursing partner supports her.

"I washed the dishes last night and the night before, it's your turn"
Sounds like a line from a student house share sit com.

titchy · 21/09/2018 23:18

Think i was just looking for a bit of support to perhaps approach my other half and suggest we

If that was what you were looking for then say so. None of us are mind readers.

eelbecomingforyou · 21/09/2018 23:18

You should have mentioned the other issues in your op! We’re not psychic. Do you think your h is doing his fair share?

Duskqueen · 21/09/2018 23:20

Imo I would just stick to parent a feeding in the morning and parent b doing the last feed. That way it is clearly defined who does which nd therefore no bickering. I know it seems petty to other, but when exhausted little things become big things, don't watch or swap, for now stick to the feeding times you do.

Poloshot · 21/09/2018 23:20

Keep a tally chart ... and give yourself a sticker if you feed 5 in a row

GertrudetheFifth · 21/09/2018 23:21

Both parents are exhausted and worn out. Could a grandparent or friend help out with the baby so that you can both get some rest?

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