Things you should never say in front of childless women

[Clothrabbit]

Just following on from another thread I started, what things have childless women on here had said to or in front of them, or read celebs spouting in public, that really hurt or upset them.

For me:

You don't know what real responsibility is until you have a child.
Having a child makes you less selfish.

Crazy you are right I will never know how tired you were having a chemotherapy because I have not had chemotherapy.
You have a right to say how tired you were having this as you have experienced it.
However you have said this comment to me without knowing my personal illness circumstances which is fine.
It is similar to a parent saying to someone who does not have children about being tired.

It's weird, isn't it Peanutss? It always happens on threads about infertility/childlessness as well. The majority of posters actually going through it/experiencing it in the moment say that something is hurtful or unnecessary and then you can guarantee some other person will come in, disagree completely and say that everyone else is just purposefully offended (professionally or otherwise) and they'll go on doing it anyway. Even if it's something so small that it would make negligent impact on them (I'm thinking in particularly of the thread about not asking people if they have plans to have children/more children), they still won't make the slightest concession.

I'm not sure if it's a general thing, or I've just noticed it happening more regarding infertility and childlessness because I read those thread more.

oh, that was a reply to your post at 15:26:23, Peanutss.

Umpteen that was a really nasty comment to say about my children.
We both don’t know each other’s circumstances.
I am currently struggling with severe post natal depression and tbh that comment has really hurt me. The only thing that keeps me going at the moment is the though that I am a good mum to my kids. For you to say that to me has really left me feeling empty and tearful.
Thankyou.
I will leave this forum now as I’m scared to keep posting and getting the level of abuse that you keep throwing at me.

Oooh I've remembered one, the previous owners of our ho we left us a letter detailing bits and bobs;

'NDN lives on her own, her husband died a few years back and they didn't have any kids - poor things'

Did you know they wanted kids then?

'This is such a great house to bring a family up in!'

It's also a great house to live in with a husband and some cats

As a lifelong insomniac I get a lot less sleep than most of my friends with kids (we've discussed it) and they don't understand the bone crushing tiredness that can last for years. Theirs was temporary while their children were small.

The worst I get at the moment is 'it's not too late...' when I say I'm childfree in my early 40s, as though they can't comprehend that I am choosing not to have them.

Regarding the not knowing what life really is if you don't have kids, I would flip it and say that life narrows considerably when you have kids as quite rightly your focus is on them. So your world is much smaller, at least while they are small. I get to experience the richness of looking out rather than in. When you say that to people with kids though, they don't like it. Funny eh? Why don't we all just respect each other's choices and experiences. One is not better than the other, just different.

Well, I'm sorry you are upset but hopefully you have taken the point. You do NOT know other people's circumstances and what doesn't offend you might offend someone else.

Crazy I’m more than happy to show you the anti depressants I’m on. I wouldn’t consider it a chronic illness as I’m not in pain. Please stop going on at me. Your personal comments about me as a mother and a person are not needed.
I just gave my opinion about tiredness. If it makes you feel better you are right and being a parent is no more tiring than before I was a parent.
Maybe I’m just more tired because I feel so worthless and rubbish all the time. I think you are right about about feeling sorry for my kids having a mother like me.

User I am so sorry you're struggling with your mental health, I've been there and it is a really dark place to be. I hope the medication helps/is helping, it took me a long time to feel "me" again but I hope you get there.

There are so many situations and health conditions that cause overwhelming tiredness; there's nothing to be gained by trying to identify the worst one.

It's more constructive to use your own experience of tiredness empathetically; to understand that another person is feeling the same overwhelming tiredness that you've experienced even if the reason is completely different, and to offer support.

@GraceMarks I was discussing the Jo Cox murder with a friend once who said that it was much more tragic in view of the fact that she was a mother, and that it wouldn't have mattered so much if she hadn't left two young children behind. I mean, I could sort of see what she was getting at, but the implication that a mother's life is more valuable than that of a childless woman really pissed me off, since I am childless myself.

I understand what you're saying, but the difference in that case is to do with the situation from the child's perspective rather than the woman's.

From the point of view of an adult woman, it's Game Over, regardless of whether or not you had kids.

But from the point of view of young children whose mother has been taken away from them forever, it is the most appalling and devastating thing imaginable.

It doesn't mean her life would have been less important if she had not had kids, or that it would have been any less serious as a crime - it just means that the fact that two young children have been left without a mother adds to the devastation.

I think the bottom line is , watch what comes out of your mouth no matter who you're talking to .

I don't understand the competitive tiredness on this thread. I was childfree by choice until my late 30's, I changed my mind after meeting my second husband.

I had insomnia for 24 years, it went away before I got pregnant and after I'd given up hope it would ever get better. I was more tired then, then I am after having a baby.

People with kids don't have the market cornered on being the most tired. 🙄

My family use to say the most twatty things to me when I didn't want kids, now they say cliche things instead. Not really much better.

I actually had someone say in front of me, when describing a cranky neighbour, 'you know one of those crotchety women who've never had children'.

Yeah, that made my day.

I get tired of hearing politicians refer to the electorate as ‘hard-working families’. As if single people or those without children don’t work. Or vote...

I've said this recently on here but when people say "Your life has no purpose until you have a child" 🤨 really.

A friend told a client she didn’t want children and the client said “does that even make you a woman?”

I can’t even think to start with how terrible that was to say to someone you barely know... it’s rude and thoughtless. But maybe that kind of woman also thinks that anyone who had a c-section isn’t a woman either. Absolute cretins.

user1494667160

1. I don't want you to show me the anti-depressants I did not once state I did not believe you. so I don't know why you even wrote that!

1. a chronic illness is something that is long-term and ongoing, not necessarily something that causes pain.

3 I made no personal comment about you as mother, I did as a person because IMO it was needed you are being hurtful and an idiot.

1. everyone is entitled to an opinion nobody denied that, we just stated you approacehd a thread and after countless posters stated things that are hurtful and disrespectful you wen on about how we are wrong and no we dont know wat tiredness is and how you have even laughed about it!

No, it does not make me feel better, nobody said that it wasn't tiring being a parent we just all said how it's annoying and hurtful and frankly stupid how people think us who do not have children don't "really knwo what tiredness is"

I understand depression I have suffered it, believe me, I truly understand all the feelings of despair, worthlessness, i tried to take my own life on more than one occasion, but please don't try and pull on our heartstrings now you have had a backlash of comments from you being insensitive. i am deeply sorry you are experiencing postnatal depression.

Our local community festival is called 'The xtown Family Festival'. That really bugs me. Surely it should be a 'community festival'.

‘Why don’t you have children?’
‘Why do you want to know?’
‘I asked first’

I walked away immediately, but have obviously thought of all the responses since.

I took my DH to a pantomime a few years back (he'd never been to one before), and every time the lead characters addressed the audience it was 'Boys and girls, mums and dads, grandpmas and grandpas....'. I know it's a bit silly but wtf would have been wrong with using 'Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen'. It wasn't even a matinee performance!

It is a universal rule that a thread on here about the shitty things that people say to childless and childfree women will inevitably turn into an illustration of people doing exactly that. Don't take it to heart, cloth - it always happens

I think I've had most of the ones on this thread at some point or another.

I think we should all apologise to User for hurting her feelings.