To think he's a WOS and tell him to go and fuck himself

[NameC123]

9 weeks pregnant with DC2 and OH is not happy about it, we agreed we'd like another baby in the future but hadn't planned on trying for a few years. Contraception failed (coil) and here we are, I want the baby and he doesn't. We've been together 4 years.

I have posted about my coil failure on here before before I NC, so please no lectures on contraception.

He has an older child from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for eight months due to the fact the mother stops and starts contact when it suits her. She has never wanted me and our DC (her childs half sibling) to have anything to do with her daughter so it has been difficult from the get go. Since she has stopped contact this last time, one of many, OH has done nothing but mope about yet refuses to get off his backside and take it to court.

He states the above as a big part of the reason he doesn't want this baby, because he "has two children already but is only seeing one" I reminded him that he's done fuck all to secure court ordered contact where the mother can't pick and choose when he's allowed to see the child, so he can't play the victim when he's not doing his bit.

I'm anti abortion (no judgement toward others) so aborting isn't an option, although I very nearly considered it for a day or two thanks to his constant doom and gloom when I raise the topic, and then i come to my senses.

He has emotionally checked out of the pregnancy and is acting as though its not happening, not wanting to discuss it or have a proper conversation.

I've lost sleep over the whole thing and am absolutely gutted, only for him to call me just now from work and rant for 17 minutes straight about his colleague getting on his nerves.

I hung up and told him not to bother me with trivial crap when there are real life matters going on under his nose.

Aibu to think he's a complete waste of space who has no business fathering children If he can't step up to the plate

Just in case I've left room for question, yes I am planning on leaving him and going it alone with DS and the baby

he's a complete waste of space who has no business fathering children If he can't step up to the plate
Yes sounds like you have the measure of him OP. I am assuming his ex also came to this conclusion at some point hence the issues.

I think I saw your previous post and am gso happy you are brave enough to not have the abortion you didn't want. Good luck with it all OP and just think how wonderful you will feel in 30 weeks with your beautiful baby and your family's future ahead of you.

Going on your posts, yes. He’s a waste of space, and I would be disgusted and devastated if someone I loved have up on their child. Then for him to check out of this pregnancy, I’d be gutted. I don’t have brilliant advice for you, I’m just agreeing with you that he’s being awful and that you aren’t being unreasonable. I’m just so sorry that this is happening.

Gave up**

He's very sorry for himself, isn't he? And you're very brave to go ahead with the baby, and to consider leaving him. Maybe have it out with him, cards on the table - either he accepts what's happened and that there's another DC on the way OR you're gone. You're the one who needs support here, and if he's just going to move around like a wet rag, he's no good to you or your DC.

mope around

Terrible behaviour on his part. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and my DPs savings went on court so his daughter couldn't be stopped from seeing him and having a relationship with our baby (her sibling). Best money ever spent. If you can agree a few things through mediation it doesn't have to cost the world.

Sounds like he just doesn't care enough to do anything about it. The reason I love my DP so much (one reason anyway) is because of how much he fights for his child.

Sounds like your partner is the opposite. I would consider raising baby on your own...

FWIW if I was him I'd be pretty hacked off.

You know he doesn't want the child.
You took steps together to not have another child.
From his point of view that translates to "Neither of us want another child, so another child is not going to happen".
To discover that actually, another child IS going to happen, despite all of the above, would be pretty damn upsetting.

You've stated that you're anti-abortion, What's his stance?

If he's on board with abortions then he's likely to be even more upset, because to him, abortion is the most logical choice of what to do next. Neither of you want the baby, it's possible to end the pregnancy, so QED the pregnancy should be ended. Did you discuss previously what action you both would or would not take if your contraception measures failed?

Given the whole list of things above, on top of the drama that already exists with his previous partner and child, are you surprised that he's checked out of the whole thing?

If you're not willing to change your mind, what's the point of him discussing it with you? You're going to have this child, and talking about it is just depressing for him, because he doesn't want it, and there's nothing he can say to change that. He has no control over whether this child happens or not, beyond pleading with you to get an abortion, which isn't something anyone wants to do.

On top of that, he's stressed about everything above, and had a shitty day at work, and he's turned to the one person in his life he looks to for understanding and "there there" noises, and she told him to STFU and hung up on him.

he's a complete waste of space who has no business fathering children If he can't step up to the plate

He didn't want this child.

He took every reasonable step to not father this child

He's quite within his rights to be incredibly hacked off that he hasn't got a choice in having this one.

The custody battle thing is entirely separate from your current pregnancy. Try not to conflate the two issues.

He took every reasonable step to not father this child

No he didn’t. He, like the OP, took A step to avoid pregnancy.

He could have used condoms as well. Or had the snip.

He chose to have sex knowing that contraception fails sometimes. Therefore he should be acting like a prick to the OP when it’s not her fault either.

He likes to play the martyr and hard done by dad whos suffering terribly at the hands of a difficult ex who won't let him see the child, yet has not once stepped foot in a solicitors office to do anything about it.

He tried saying we don't have the money for court, I relayed some good advice I received here about representing himself and only needing to pay for the application.

I've tried many times to push him into doing things properly but there's always an excuse and one of the most comical ones was "he doesn't want to put a child through a messy court case" as if the child would suffer!

His eldest DC's birthday has just gone, I said shall we buy something nice for her. He didn't want to, full of self pity.

He has at the moment given up and resorts to playing the victim, then has the audacity to use those problems as an excuse to reject our baby which I found absolutely disgusting.

You can't have a cards on the table conversation with him because he is completely opposed to doing what most normal people would do, and it has cost him my love and respect (and more importantly that of his older DC)

I'm going to squirrel what money I can away and I'll be gone. Fuck him

He's very for abortion, he and his ex had several to the extent I dare say they used the procedure as a form of contraception.

I'm the opposite. I've miscarried so cannot bare the thought of willingly aborting.

He knows this.

Also I do agree his custody battles are a separate problem but he's trying to state that as being the reason he doesn't want the baby, when he hasn't done anything to fix that situation.

He said he "probably" wouldn't feel like this if he had access to his other child, yet won't get off his arse and put in any effort to see the child, therefore the best option is for me to abort? No way in hell am I terminating because he doesn't take responsibility for what needs to be done to see his eldest.

And I did give him the sympathetic "there there" talk about his work, for about fifteen minutes until he finally stopped to asked how I was, to which I replied not good because I can't keep any food down.

He then says "ohhh" and starts off on another work related tangent.

Thats when I got pissed off.

Contrary to the tone of my post I've been very soft with him lately despite his position

If he was doing right by his eldest and not being a complete arse by failing her then using her as an excuse for me not to keep the baby I wouldn't be this angry.

He's entitled to not want a baby of course he is, but to use his eldest as an excuse when he's allowed things to snowball into what they are is absolutely not on

He's quite within his rights to be incredibly hacked off that he hasn't got a choice in having this one.

Yes. He should go and scream into a sofa and give his head a wobble. He always knew, when he put his penis where he did, that things could go wrong and it was the OP's right to do what she thought best (with NO pressure on what to do with her body) from that point on.

He sounds like he's really letting himself down, OP. Sorry you're having to go through that.

Which is fair enough, I'm not privy to everything in your life and I haven't seen any of your other threads.

I'm also for abortion in cases where either of the parents does not want the child, or when the child has genetic/physical disabilities. I'd make sure that my partner was on board with both those conditions before sleeping with them, as it would hopefully avoid exactly this situation.

As it stands, I would feel like a child is being forced on me without my consent. Him not pulling his finger out regarding custody is (speaking hypothetically) not a reason to punish him with another child. A child is decades of commitment, expense and responsibility and I would take serious issue with someone trying to force that upon me when I was unwilling, and had made it clear I was unwilling. How would you like it if someone rocked up with a dog and said "Here, you have to look after this as long as you live" and then buggered off? You might be a bit angry, no? Just as an example. I'm not equating dogs with kids.

I'm not defending anything in his surrounding behaviour, but I'm just saying that you can't expect a positive reaction from him if he manifestly and obviously doesn't want the child, and never has. Expecting him to be happy or supportive or involved is just never going to happen under those circumstances, let alone with all this custody drama on top of it, which from his point of view you're probably "nagging" him about.

I do hope you find a good solution for all of this, whatever that might be.

I probably have been nagging him to be fair but irrespective of this pregnancy I think any decent partner should be on their DPs case if they willingly gave up on their older children

Whilst im not saying hes a knight in shining armour i do feel like sometimes how men feel about an unwanted pregnancy is just pushed to one side. Pregnancy isnt easy on women but its a life changing event(?) Men have no choice over after conception, imagine someone else being in control essentially to how your life could pan out and you're expecting him to just take it in his stride and get on with it. Even if you walk away, taking away the potential emotional turmoil he could be hit financially hard. Some will say its just money but remember if you wanted children in the future he couldnt have a vasectomy and condoms could also fail and in general abstinance isnt an option. Taking emotions out of it youve taken the decision that will affect him for atleast 18 years. Then with emotion hes upset he only sees one DC it appears he'll have 3 he may not be able to see and i dont think inaction = uncaring. Ive known people spend 1000s and get nowhere and theres a reason most dont represent themselves. Im not advocating you have an abortion i just think that there needs to be some understanding where he may be coming from. Pregnancy isnt easy but i imagine neither is being told your lifes going to change without you having a say about it.

I do appreciate the varied responses and am taking notice of your POV's

I accept I haven't thought much about how a pregnancy that is unwanted but kept can be emotionally and financially detrimental to the man. That said, for me personally I feel that aborting would leave a very deep wound and I wouldn't be able to forgive myself or move past it. I know me and how my mind works so I know this is something that would affect my mental health.

Sethis your post is one of the most unreasonable I have ever seen on MN. A child is not being forced on him without his consent. As soon as he ejaculated into OP’s vagina he gave consent for a child to be born, as no type of contraceptive is 100% reliable and what happens from that moment onwards is for OP and OP alone to decide. Your analogy with the dog is absolutely ridiculous. It takes 2 to tango and 2 to create a baby. He was perfectly happy to come inside her, now he needs to take the consequences.

There was a wonderful thread on Twitter recently about how men really aren't bothered about preventing abortion. (If it bothered them that much, they would either embrace condoms or skip PIV).

This man sounds like an utter loser and good on you for seeing this and getting rid.
The only reason I'm posting is to suggest that, in time, you contact the mothers of his other DC and ask about the possibility of their DC and yours getting in touch. Having half-siblings can be a good thing for a kid, even if the sperm donor is usless/irrelevant.

So fucking what if his ex had several abortions? I think that is preferable to bringing unwanted children into the world. He does not want children, you do. It does not necessarily make him irresponsible.

I’m also for abortion in cases ....when the child has...physical disabilities

Wtf??

if he was so bad, and you knew all this about him, then why even have unprotected sex with him?

you knew who he was when you decided to have sex, to be in a relationship with him.