To think he's a WOS and tell him to go and fuck himself

[NameC123]

9 weeks pregnant with DC2 and OH is not happy about it, we agreed we'd like another baby in the future but hadn't planned on trying for a few years. Contraception failed (coil) and here we are, I want the baby and he doesn't. We've been together 4 years.

I have posted about my coil failure on here before before I NC, so please no lectures on contraception.

He has an older child from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for eight months due to the fact the mother stops and starts contact when it suits her. She has never wanted me and our DC (her childs half sibling) to have anything to do with her daughter so it has been difficult from the get go. Since she has stopped contact this last time, one of many, OH has done nothing but mope about yet refuses to get off his backside and take it to court.

He states the above as a big part of the reason he doesn't want this baby, because he "has two children already but is only seeing one" I reminded him that he's done fuck all to secure court ordered contact where the mother can't pick and choose when he's allowed to see the child, so he can't play the victim when he's not doing his bit.

I'm anti abortion (no judgement toward others) so aborting isn't an option, although I very nearly considered it for a day or two thanks to his constant doom and gloom when I raise the topic, and then i come to my senses.

He has emotionally checked out of the pregnancy and is acting as though its not happening, not wanting to discuss it or have a proper conversation.

I've lost sleep over the whole thing and am absolutely gutted, only for him to call me just now from work and rant for 17 minutes straight about his colleague getting on his nerves.

I hung up and told him not to bother me with trivial crap when there are real life matters going on under his nose.

Aibu to think he's a complete waste of space who has no business fathering children If he can't step up to the plate

sethis I suspect you may be quite young.
Most of my friends are in their late 30s and early 40s and have their dcs. I know at least three who are doubling up on contraception to ensure no late pregnancies.

That’s pretty normal actually. When a woman knows the toll another pregnancy can take physically and doesn’t want to risk another one, she will make absolutely sure it doesn’t happen.

The man in this case could quite easily have done the same but couldn’t be bothered. He sounds naive, lazy or irresponsible. Or all three. I don’t have much sympathy. He needs to get off his self pitying bum, sort out access to dc1, welcome his soon-to-be dc3 and then have the snip or buy a lot of condoms.

How would you like it if someone rocked up with a dog and said "Here, you have to look after this as long as you live" and then buggered off? You might be a bit angry, no? Just as an example. I'm not equating dogs with kids.

Ah no, it's really not the same thing at all.

It's more like if you were playing a fun carnival game that had a big sign out front, saying "WARNING, IF YOU WIN A DOG FROM THIS GAME YOU WILL BE EXPECTED TO TAKE CARE OF IT FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS AFTERWARDS" and you keep on playing the game cause it's so much fun and eventually you win a dog, and then moan that you didn't want the responsibility of a dog, so ask the guy running the game if he can just drown the dog, and when he says "Actually, no" you have a giant tantrum and say you're just going to leave the dog with the carnival guy cause you don't want it and you just wanted to have the fun of playing the game and not win a dog and it's not fair and you're a special exception and shouldn't be held responsible because the completely predictable law of chance failed to go the way you wanted it to.

That's more what it's like.

Shameless that has to be the best explanation ever. It should be included in the national curriculum for boys and girls

Shameless - That's a bloody brilliant analogy.

OP - I remember your other thread and I think you'll end up just fine. You know what you're doing and he's a complete bell end. I'm glad you've made the best decision for you.

Oh thank GOODNESS a man like @Sethis came along with his two penneth to set everyone straight. Whatever would we have done otherwise? 🙄

Idiot.

@NameC123 I'm glad you're going to leave that jizztoad, I'd probably be asking his ex why there is so little contact because of this behaviour of his has been the standard historically, then i don't blame her for being choosy with when he can see his child. Does he pay for their upkeep? Sorry if you have mentioned this already, it's late and I'm not firing on all cylinders.

I'm outraged at some of the replies on here.

1. The responsibility for ensuring pregnancy doesn't happen is down to BOTH parties. OP took all precautions she could, OP's OH didn't (condoms anyone?)...

2. The pregnancy was ACCIDENTAL.

3. They'd talked about another baby. This is simply about timing (unless he lied about wanting more).

4. He stated he wouldn't even be complaining were it not for the fact his ex is complicating things.

5. The ex is complicating things without a new baby in the mix anyway, this new baby isn't the problem, it's the OP and their existing child's presence in OP's partner's life.

6. Nobody said he couldn't have feelings of regret - but he's expressing a whole other set of feelings and beliefs that are unreasonable given all of the above.

7. He isn't trying to see his child from the previous relationship!

He's most definitely being a selfish, uncaring, and irresponsible partner and dad, and anyone expecting OP to consider ending a potential life for his comfort, is quite frankly an arsehole!

OP, YANBU!

I'm sending you flowers, just because you deserve them.

If something has a 99% chance of success, why would you stack another 99% chance on top of that, and another 99% chance on top again?

Because if you 100% don’t want another child then you need to be more sure than 99%.

sethis

Are you saying you think a woman should go and have an abortion because the baby's father wants that, even if she doesn't? Is that what 'I am for abortion in cases where either of the parents doesn't want the child ' mean? Or do you just mean you find it acceptable in those circumstances?

pedro

You are wrong to say abortion isn't a big deal for the majority of women.
That's a silly thing to say.

More and more on mumsnet we are seeing that women having easy access to abortions (which I'm not against at all) means their choice about what to do with their bodies is actually compromised by those who feel there are circumstances in which women ' should ' abort.

THERE ARE NO CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH YOU CAN TELL ANOTHER WOMEN TO GET AN ABORTION. If you wouldn't pressurise a woman to keep a baby (which includes statements like ' if you were my dd I'd be strongly advising you to keep this baby ' and ' think very carefully before you get an abortion') don't pressurise a woman to abort and don't make her feel she should consider a man who will not be there in the event that she is riddled with guilt and regret. If men really understood what having an abortion can be like, they would hopefully realise that it's a decision that can only be taken by the person going through it and who has to live with the aftermath.

@Sethis

No he didn't take any precaution, he let OP get the coil which failed, that's it, he did fuck all.
Really doesn't matter if he wants OP to have an abortion. It's her body and her choice and like she says she is willing to go it alone.
He wants OP yo be sympathetic to him about trivial crap at work when she has actual problems to worry about, him being one of them.
Everyone takes a risk of pregnancy when they have sex and both have functioning reproductive organs, so there is always a change of sex between a moan and woman resulting in pregnancy.
He planned on having another child in the future, it has just come quicker than expected so no technically another child was not completely off the table.

@youlethergo

Exactly

@ShamelesslyPlacemarking

That is absolutely brilliant!

@sethis

I’m very widely read, thanks. Your post is loathsome.

You are suggesting forcing an abortion on someone who doesn’t want one. What right do you think a man should have on what a woman does with her body? To make her go through a medical procedure that could have long-term physical and emotional ramifications? How would you enforce this? Take her to court? Hold her down while she’s kicking and screaming?

Do the maths. No contraception is 100% reliable. Therefore every time two fertile individuals have vaginal sex there is a greater than zero probability that it will result in a pregnancy. Consenting to sex means you’re consenting to a baby, unless you’re a woman and you choose to do something about it.

The dog analogy is meaningless. Someone giving you a dog is no way comparable with someone having a baby that was created by two people.

To avoid having a baby keep it in your pants. You’d be doing the female population a favour if you did this anyway.

OP sorry your thread has been hijacked by misogyny. YANBU. It does sound like you’d be better off going it alone. Good luck 💐

You've stated that you're anti-abortion, What's his stance?.... He's quite within his rights to be incredibly hacked off that he hasn't got a choice in having this one.

No, no, no, he really isn't, and anyone who isn't a total fuckwit would think he has a "right" to be hacked off that he got someone pregnant and she won't have an abortion for him.

Dicks make babies. You don't want babies, you get a fucking vasectomy. And yes, OP he clearly is a tremendous waste of space. Though it must be said there probably is a lot more going on with regards to the ex "messing him about" than you think.

@Sethis

Men cannot expect to go around taking part in activities which could result in another human life to take care of and then throw a tantrum when it happens, go in a huff and insist on someone else undergoing a potentially risky and traumatizing surgery.
Shit happens in life and grown ups deal with it in a mature way. They should not walk around in a huff, moping because they don't get their own way.

How would you like it if someone rocked up with a dog and said "Here, you have to look after this as long as you live" and then buggered off? You might be a bit angry, no? Just as an example. I'm not equating dogs with kid

Yeah, that's exactly what he did. He called the pound, bought a dog, had it delivered and when she said oh I really like this dog. It's not the right time for a dog, but you know what I'm gonig to keep it.

He threw a tantrum because why should anyone possibly think he wants a dog.

As you say, it takes two to tango, and if you're going to blame him for the consequence of sex, you have to blame her too for creating this situation and not insisting herself on a second form of contraception

Yes, she should have forced him to wear a condom so he wouldn't be upset later when he got her pregnant.

When it rains I bring an umbrella. I also tell my kids to put on a rain coat to be extra dry under the umbrella. I tell them because I am an adult and they are children.

The op's husband is not a child. He is responsible for his penis. Which he knows makes babies.

Honestly, what the hell are they teaching in schools now.

Okay, I thought this was obvious from my first comment, but apparently it isn't.

I am not the OPs partner.

I know very little about the OP.

I am SPECULATING as to why her partner might be reacting the way he is.

I am NOT telling her to abort.

The original question was 'AIBU to think he's a piece of shit" based on the info given in the initial post. I said "Possibly, from his perspective".

I have my own views on abortion. I think that any child should be the healthy product of a loving union between two parents in a stable and long term relationship. If this is not the case, mutually agreed and discussed abortion is a viable solution to an unwanted early stage pregnancy. That's my stance on it. If your stance happens to be different, then by all means put it forward, but please don't resort to personal insults as a first response. I've insulted nobody, and will continue to avoid ad hominem attacks. They're not productive.

"I may disagree with what you have to say, but will defend to the death your right to say it" - Voltaire

Take it easy.

No man mature enough to have sex should believe he has any say in whether a pregnancy is aborted.

Obviously, an unwanted pregnancy and an unwanted child is a big deal. I would like to live in a world where every child born is wanted BUT you can not make a woman abort a pregnancy if she doesn't want to. I agree with a pp that is one of the worst things I've seen on mumsnet (despite having been lurking around AIBU for several years). It could practically be a dystopian Sci fi novel.

I am pro choice though, rather than pro abortion. OP well done for sticking to the choice that is right for you & for realising what a WOS this guy is.

Shuttup @Sethis nobody cares.

I like the dog at the fairground analogy and I just might relay that to him next time the subject of the baby comes up

I'm not trying to force the baby on him and am prepared to raise it alone, he will be financially responsible by law and that is something he won't be able to worm himself out of unfortunately for him. Whether he wants an active role in parenting is up to him and at this moment in time I couldn't care less.

He does pay maintenance yes and I will be applying for the same

With his ex I'm %99 sure the problem is jealousy, and I'm not being blind or biased when I say it. There were no problems until it became clear we were serious and all hell broke loose when I fell pregnant. I also suspect she's trying to protect her DD from being hurt in her own way, not that me and our DC would ever intentionally push her our and I've been relentlessly on his case pushing and pushing him to get things into court so she can be a part of DCs lives without contact being stopped all of the time

He's an arse though he should be doing a hell of a lot more so no excuses made for him here

This abortion argument is so tedious.

The OP does not want an abortion. It is her personal choice. It is her body and her human rights. No one can force her to have an abortion and to even suggest that her partner's wants trump her emotional and physical welfare is obviously someone that doesn't believe that woman are human beings too.

I have been where you are OP. I am now 39 weeks pregnant and I planned on living DP as he initially had a similar reaction.

I was firm and had similar reasons for not aborting. I had previously lost a child the year before and the only issue was timing as DP had said that he wanted another child. He was having a wobble. He had external stresses that contributed to his reaction.

Unfortunately, your DH seems to have deeper issues. Especially with his inaction towards his eldest child. He can't use his ex as an excuse when he is doing nothing to solve this issue. Have you communicated how little you respect him because of his inertia towards contact with his eldest?

The fact he didn't even want to buy her a birthday present speaks volumes really.

This man is a waste of space.

You seem like a confident woman, who knows her own mind and wants and what's best for her children (born and unborn). I think you are making the right choice OP.

Sethis that is not what your earlier posts said though is it? One of them said I'm also for abortion in cases where either of the parents does not want the child. You said either, you didn’t say both. The implication from this is that if the man doesn’t want the child the woman should have an abortion.

He had all the hallmarks of a guy you wouldn’t want to spend a life with before DC2 happened. Kudos to you for trying to make some sort of a stable life with a guy who can’t even sort his relationship out with his previous child.

He sounds like a totally exhausting downer/victim type. Who needs it? Not you. Strength to you, OP. He’s an albatross around your neck by the sound of things.