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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's a WOS and tell him to go and fuck himself

105 replies

NameC123 · 20/09/2018 23:29

9 weeks pregnant with DC2 and OH is not happy about it, we agreed we'd like another baby in the future but hadn't planned on trying for a few years. Contraception failed (coil) and here we are, I want the baby and he doesn't. We've been together 4 years.

I have posted about my coil failure on here before before I NC, so please no lectures on contraception.

He has an older child from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for eight months due to the fact the mother stops and starts contact when it suits her. She has never wanted me and our DC (her childs half sibling) to have anything to do with her daughter so it has been difficult from the get go. Since she has stopped contact this last time, one of many, OH has done nothing but mope about yet refuses to get off his backside and take it to court.

He states the above as a big part of the reason he doesn't want this baby, because he "has two children already but is only seeing one" I reminded him that he's done fuck all to secure court ordered contact where the mother can't pick and choose when he's allowed to see the child, so he can't play the victim when he's not doing his bit.

I'm anti abortion (no judgement toward others) so aborting isn't an option, although I very nearly considered it for a day or two thanks to his constant doom and gloom when I raise the topic, and then i come to my senses.

He has emotionally checked out of the pregnancy and is acting as though its not happening, not wanting to discuss it or have a proper conversation.

I've lost sleep over the whole thing and am absolutely gutted, only for him to call me just now from work and rant for 17 minutes straight about his colleague getting on his nerves.

I hung up and told him not to bother me with trivial crap when there are real life matters going on under his nose.

Aibu to think he's a complete waste of space who has no business fathering children If he can't step up to the plate

OP posts:
DukeOfSussex · 21/09/2018 09:35

Is there any medical procedure besides abortion (which btw isn't a walk in the park physically) that you think the person's partner should be able to ask you to have?

DukeOfSussex · 21/09/2018 09:35

"or mutually agree on"

youlethergo · 21/09/2018 09:35

seth

I really dislike it when people hold an extreme view that verges on bullying and then wind it back when challenged. You're worthy of Trump in suggesting that you later post in any way 'clarified' the earlier one.

wrenika · 21/09/2018 09:39

I feel sorry for the man in these scenarios. Contraception was used but failed...yet, he gets no opinion in whether he wants a child or not. As the female we can decide against it and abort the accident but the poor man is screwed if we decide not to. I think men should be allowed to opt out of accidental pregnancies with no criticism. A woman can. We'd be told to do what was right for us. So he should also do what's right for him.

DucksOnThePond · 21/09/2018 09:40

Sethis - what a throw away attitude. The op has said she only considered abortion because of pressure from a man who seemingly uses it as a form of contraception. Aren’t you glad your parents didn’t have the same attitude towards you....

It has to be said OP I would leave him. You are a lovely person worn down by an arsehole who believes life is without consequences and at no point wants to get his big boy trousers on and step up.

MarthasGinYard · 21/09/2018 09:50

'Because he's been party to abortions being had willy nilly he seems to think its just that easy for everybody.

Quite

But why involve yourself in the first place with someone whom confesses they have basically used terminating as a form of late contraception

I really don't know why you expect more from this idiot.

Your views are polar opposites

didofido · 21/09/2018 09:52

All my children were born before abortion was legal - tho' of course some woman still had them. Thing was, if contraception failed, on the whole men just sighed and went along with it. Now things seem to be moving slowly in the direction of "HE didn't want a child so SHE should have an abortion". Unwanted pregnancy doesn't usually lead to an unloved child.

Original poster
NameC123 · 21/09/2018 09:54

I relayed the carnival thing Grin

His response was "well I wouldn't play the game if I didn't want a dog?" Then it clicked

He said just because he's not happy about the baby now doesn't mean he isn't going to grow to love it and it isn't going to stop him caring for it

OP posts:
Original poster
NameC123 · 21/09/2018 10:00

He does know I feel contempt toward about his inaction to take things into court for his first born yes.

My personal opinion is that he's failing her, she's a wonderful child who loves him very much and will no doubt be suffering tremendously having not seen him for the best part of eight months

I want him to go to court for her. Yesterday. But he doesn't seem willing to budge at the moment and is allowing self pity to take presidents

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 21/09/2018 10:00

More and more on mumsnet we are seeing that women having easy access to abortions (which I'm not against at all) means their choice about what to do with their bodies is actually compromised by those who feel there are circumstances in which women ' should ' abort

This!

I am pro-choice but I find it disgusting to blame someone for not having an abortion. And I'm sorry, Sethis, but I also read your posts as saying that the OP has no right to refuse an abortion.

Twotailed · 21/09/2018 10:06

@Sethis

What absolute shite. Contraception is not 100% and he chose not to wear a condom or get a vasectomy. That’s on him. So why should he get the luxury of pretending his own child isn’t happening and refusing to engage with the pregnancy when he is every bit as responsible for it as OP? It’s not something she’s forcing on him. It’s something he is an equal creator of. He could have taken steps to prevent pregnancy if he is so anti the idea that he can’t even face talking about the baby.

Also why are you accusing OP of punishing him with another child as if this is a conscious choice she made rather than an accidental pregnancy they are both equally responsible for?

And why would you abort babies with physical disabilities?

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 21/09/2018 10:07

As the person who bears primary responsibility for gestating and rearing the child if the father walks away we can decide against it and abort the foetus but the father is still obliged by law to provide some financial support even if in practical terms this is extremely hard to enforce if we decide not to.

Fixed that for you.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 21/09/2018 10:07

He took every reasonable step to not father this child

Nope sorry. He relied in the OP to use a method of contraception wo doing anything himself.
If he had REALLY wanted to avoid been a father, he would have used a condom too.
If he had been totally adamant that he wouod not be a after again soon, he could have avoided sex or have the snip.

It is NOT possible to have sex, even with a contraception method in place and think there will NEVER be a pregnancy. We all know it’s not how it works.
So he took his responsibility. Have sex with a REDUCED possibility of being a father. It’s hasnt worked. Up to him to take his responsibility and be the father of the child.

Abortion is NOT a conception method and shouod never be considered as such. Not possible to pay the responsibility in the woman for the pregnancy because she is refusing an abortion.

So he had a very bad luck wth the contraception. So has the OP, who is taking some risks (unlike him). Risks on a heath pov, risks to end up having to raise two dcs on her own (more than a possibility there), risks on a financial pov. Many many more risks than he does actually.
Which is why he ça; afford to be mopping like this too.

Twotailed · 21/09/2018 10:10

I think men should be allowed to opt out of accidental pregnancies with no criticism.

Horrific attitude. If men are adamant they don’t want children to the point they would ‘opt out’ they should have vasectomies.

Remember, women don’t get to fucking opt out of an unwanted pregnancy. They have to have a medical procedure which can be invasive, and face the shaming and criticism of society.

Men accept the risk of accidental pregnancy every time they ejaculate in women. That is their choice.

Original poster
NameC123 · 21/09/2018 10:12

@HermioneGoesBackHome

So has the OP, who is taking some risks (unlike him). Risks on a heath pov, risks to end up having to raise two dcs on her own (more than a possibility there), risks on a financial pov. Many many more risks than he does actually.
Which is why he çant afford to be mopping like this too.

That is more or less exactly what I said to him. Its me facing the prospect of raising two children alone, taking a huge financial hit and potentially affecting my progression at work, lack of sleep and an emotional toll.. Its quite infuriating

OP posts:
TooSoooon · 21/09/2018 10:17

OP, I'm sorry you are in this position. I hope it works out for you and your DCs whichever way you decide with this man. Make sure you get the financial support you're entitled to at the very least. Hugs.

My view is that contraception is never 100%, so both parties take a risk when they have sex. Both parties are therefore responsible for the outcome. If OP's OH didn't want another child then he shouldn't have taken the risk. He knew OP's feelings about abortion, but he took the risk and now he should man up and support OP.

sethis you are a knob.

Willow2017 · 21/09/2018 10:20

He took every reasonable step to not father this child
Nope he didnt. He left it up to op and when that failed he wants her to go through a medical procedure as 'the easy option'. The easy option would be to bag it up or get the snip.

All those posters feeling sorry for the guy...having sex is taking a risk in having a baby. If you dont want one make damm sure you are doing all you can to prevent one. Dont have sex then moan about a woman getting pregnant. Its really not difficult to grasp

And do not tell her to get an abortion as if its the same as popping to.the shop for a pint of milk. Everyone is different. Many women would not consider an abortion. It can have complications same as any other medical procedure. There was a poster on here nearly died through complications. Why would you think forcing a woman to go.?
through that is ok? If a woman choses an abortion thats her choice nobody elses.

DukeOfSussex · 21/09/2018 10:23

feel sorry for the man in these scenarios. Contraception was used but failed...yet, he gets no opinion in whether he wants a child or not. As the female we can decide against it and abort the accident but the poor man is screwed if we decide not to. I think men should be allowed to opt out of accidental pregnancies with no criticism. A woman can. We'd be told to do what was right for us. So he should also do what's right for him.

Abortions are a walk in the park as is pregnancy yeah.

You realise that in your absolutely ridiculous view of the world there is literally no reason for men to practice any sort of contraception.

ConcreteUnderpants · 21/09/2018 10:23

wrenika - I feel sorry for the man in these scenarios. Contraception was used but failed...yet, he gets no opinion in whether he wants a child or not.

If he was really against having a child, perhaps he should've worn a condom or not had sex, then. We all know 'accidents' happen.

OP I wish you the best of luck. You sound like a good mother and a strong woman with her head screwed on. Keep squirrelling that money away so you can leave pronto!

Nacreous · 21/09/2018 10:25

Contraceptive efficacy: most is measured in efficacy at ensuring 0 pregnancies over a year. That means if something is 99% effective, if 100 women used it, 1 would become pregnant in a single year. If you extend that to 5 years, it becomes 5 pregnancies across the women. That sounds like a damned high enough number to double up on contraceptives if you really don’t want a baby to me!

I think a lot of men would be surprised by the number of pro-choice women who wouldn’t have an abortion if they got pregnant, even if they weren’t trying for a baby or even if they weren’t in a long term relationship.

DukeOfSussex · 21/09/2018 10:25

Can you imagine if we had one more situation where it was "he said/she said".

Oh yep, yes judge, she definitely told me she was on the pill. So if I can just opt out of maintenance that would be great thanks.

DukeOfSussex · 21/09/2018 10:27

Your abillity to control what happens during contraception and making of a baby ends where your body ends.

I can not demand a man have a vasectomy, I can refuse to have sex with him, but I can't make him do it.

A man can not make me abort, he can leave me, but he has no ability to decide if I have a child.

Once a child is here though THAT CHILD HAS RIGHTS. The right to financially cared for by two people..

Original poster
NameC123 · 21/09/2018 10:37

Regardless of how he feels about the baby when its born he won't be shirking his financial responsibility I won't see it happen.

I've actually already spoken to CM and had a calculation of entitlement, after I found out about the baby and what his response was to the pregnancy. I won't hesitate to make that claim.

I would prefer he was a father but I can't force him to be one if he doesn't want to, but financially he will be contributing as my work will take a hit if only for a short while

OP posts:
glitterfarts · 21/09/2018 10:47

An abortion is always the woman's choice. At no time should a man be able to force a woman to have an abortion - what a fricking scary world that would be.

I agree with OP that LOTS of women find abortion a big deal - it isn't usually an easy choice and women are often in a rock vs hard place with the choice - what they want vs the consequences either way.

I wouldn't personally choose an abortion, but am STRONGLY pro-choice. MY choice isn't the same as other women would or should make. THEIR choice is what is right for their personal circumstances. A man's opinion is just that - of no relevance to the woman's decision which is hers alone.

OP - you sound like you have the right idea when it comes to your DP. It is hard to respect someone so drippy.

TooSoooon · 21/09/2018 11:00

I think men should be allowed to opt out of accidental pregnancies with no criticism.

The only pregnancies men should be allowed to opt out of are ones that don't involve their sperm.