To think he's a WOS and tell him to go and fuck himself

[NameC123]

9 weeks pregnant with DC2 and OH is not happy about it, we agreed we'd like another baby in the future but hadn't planned on trying for a few years. Contraception failed (coil) and here we are, I want the baby and he doesn't. We've been together 4 years.

I have posted about my coil failure on here before before I NC, so please no lectures on contraception.

He has an older child from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for eight months due to the fact the mother stops and starts contact when it suits her. She has never wanted me and our DC (her childs half sibling) to have anything to do with her daughter so it has been difficult from the get go. Since she has stopped contact this last time, one of many, OH has done nothing but mope about yet refuses to get off his backside and take it to court.

He states the above as a big part of the reason he doesn't want this baby, because he "has two children already but is only seeing one" I reminded him that he's done fuck all to secure court ordered contact where the mother can't pick and choose when he's allowed to see the child, so he can't play the victim when he's not doing his bit.

I'm anti abortion (no judgement toward others) so aborting isn't an option, although I very nearly considered it for a day or two thanks to his constant doom and gloom when I raise the topic, and then i come to my senses.

He has emotionally checked out of the pregnancy and is acting as though its not happening, not wanting to discuss it or have a proper conversation.

I've lost sleep over the whole thing and am absolutely gutted, only for him to call me just now from work and rant for 17 minutes straight about his colleague getting on his nerves.

I hung up and told him not to bother me with trivial crap when there are real life matters going on under his nose.

Aibu to think he's a complete waste of space who has no business fathering children If he can't step up to the plate

sethis ah ok so your a bloke then are Yyou?

I'm also for abortion in cases where either of the parents does not want the child

You actually believe that a man who may have no relationship or a poor relationship with a woman has the right to tell her what to do with her body even if it involves going through surgery? You also want us to believe that you warn every woman you sleep with that this is your viewpoint and if she begs to differ you don't sleep with her. If you have sex at all it must be with some very very desperate ( or post menopausal) women.

how would you like it if someone rocked up with a dog if the dog existed as a direct result of my actions I would take responsibility. The only way to ensure there is no pregnancy is to not have sex or only have sex after being sterilized. Everyone k decent knows that an abortion is ALWAYS the woman decision. This man didn't even use a condom.

You sound like a disgusting individual.

This thread Reanimated

twitter.com/designmom/status/1040363431893725184

@Lalliella

If my post is the most unreasonable thing you've read on this entire website, I suggest that you might want to read more widely.

The whole point of using contraception is to prevent the birth of a child. This man has communicated with his partner about which method to use to prevent children, and they have chosen the coil. Further, they both agreed they did not want a child at this time.

Nobody, but nobody, double or triple stacks contraception that I've ever spoken to. If something has a 99% chance of success, why would you stack another 99% chance on top of that, and another 99% chance on top again? That sounds like unreasonable expectations to me. Note that the OP wasn't asking him to use condoms or anything additional either. As you say, it takes two to tango, and if you're going to blame him for the consequence of sex, you have to blame her too for creating this situation and not insisting herself on a second form of contraception. I, personally, am doing my best to avoid blaming anyone in a situation I know very little about.

You say he came in her, and it's his fault there is a child. I could equally rebutt that, if I was him, by saying her continuing this pregnancy is a choice, not an obligation, and she is making a choice that ignores his point of view and removes his agency from the decision. That argument then descends into the whole abortion debate that I'm sure we're all familiar with and have different views on.

If the OP thinks I'm being uncivil, by all means, she's welcome tell me so, and I'll drop out. In the meantime I'd appreciate less personal attacks, if possible.

@DelilahandDaisy several being 4, all conceived when neither party took any precautions whatsoever. No birth control for her at all and no condoms. I personally think that's abuse of the procedure as abortion isn't something that should be used as a form of contraception but haven't said that to either party because frankly its none of my business and just my opinion that I'm voicing here.

Because he's been party to abortions being had willy nilly he seems to think its just that easy for everybody.

@ReanimatedSGB I've spoken to his ex in the past about wanting to be civil and foster a relationship between the children which she was all for but then went cold. I'll always try to reach out again in future for the sake of the children

Took every reasonable step?! Did he take any steps at all?

The OP was taking contraception. He could have made sure they were safe by using condoms with his partner (who had warned him she was pro-life) but he didn't. He left it all to her, just like he's leaving the situation with his eldest child up to fate instead of taking steps to see her.

He sounds only slightly more dynamic than most forms of moss. I'm sure the OP will do fine without his input.

let alone with all this custody drama on top of it, which from his point of view you're probably "nagging" him about.

Just read this. The men I know who have had to fight for their rights over their children don't need to be nagged they do it because they love their children. I clearly know a superior type of man to the ones sethis hangs around with. OP if you think your DP would agree with sethis posts then please use that as reassurance that you are making the right decision. Yes it can be tough for a man to find out about an unwanted pregnancy, yes it can end up costing him money and we know how men like him hate to part with their cash. It hasn't occurred to posters like sethis that this is far more tough on the OP. She has such a tough choice and one than she will have to live with forever. But no it's the bloke, who legally can't be obliged to do more than send a bit of cash, who we should feel sorry for.

@esk1mo

He has never gone this long without contact with his eldest. In the past when the mother stopped contact it was alaaus resolved again quickly, for the most part of our relationship he appeared to be a commuted father. It is since early January that he has 'given up' and since the ex hasn't come around this time he isn't taking it further.

I got into a relationship with a man who was at that point being a good father, he has been a good father to our child.

These issues have arrised this year.

I didn't knowingly get involved with a deadbeat

He likes to play the martyr and hard done by dad whos suffering terribly at the hands of a difficult ex who won't let him see the child, yet has not once stepped foot in a solicitors office to do anything about it.

I've met a few too many men who don't see an older child because of a "difficult ex". Their new partners fall for their sad tale of how their parental relationship has been denied by this difficult woman.

Then they have a second child with their new partner, turn out to be a useless dad who can't grasp that they can't keep living the life of a single unencumbered man and be a dad at the same time, so their second partner gets fed up with doing it all herself, leaves and starts prioritising her and her child's schedule instead of his, thus making it "so difficult" for him to see his child.

Sorry to hear that your WOS turned out to be that kind of man. Don't feel bad if you also end up being a "difficult ex", once you get bored of his martyrdom.

If something has a 99% chance of success, why would you stack another 99% chance on top of that, and another 99% chance on top again?

I know you're responding to someone else, but is any form of contraception 99% effective? Contraception fails are very common. If I were a man, and I didn't want a child, and knew my partner would never agree to abort an unplanned pregnancy, yes I think I might take some personal responsibility and put a condom on! But then I do that. I make decisions, and I have control of my own life...

You're amazing.
He's a terrible Dad, and you have the measure of him. Well done.
It's crap to go it alone, but you sound like an excellent Mum. Your children are better off without him, and you will make them proud.

@BrendasUmbrella

"He sounds only slightly more dynamic than most forms of moss"

That has tickled me more than it should given the circumstances thank you for making me smile!

Agree with brenda if it would literally ruin your life to have a baby then you would take more steps than just trusting your partner with her contraception choice. (Although I think it is meant to be 99% effective)

Yes, using abortion as contraception may not be good for her mental health. Still fuck all to do with you though. And still better than the drain that unwanted babies bring.

@sethis I actually dated a man who insisted I was on the pill, wore a condom and still pulled out. He definitely didn’t want a child then and insured he didn’t have one. I always thought he was a bit over the top but nonetheless there are people who triple stack the protection and I know of several married friends who don’t want kids but haven’t been offered the snip yet that double stack it.

@DelilahandDaisy the internet is full of people having opinions about things that are fuck all to do with them, try not to take it personally. In this instance his continued use of abortion is something to do with me because it is exactly that which has lead him to believe that aborting a baby is no big deal when for the majority of women, it is.

@SupplychainNpton thank you x

I'm going to get some sleep I'll check back here tomorrow and respond more, I appreciate all the input

But you have no right to judge her. I still think it is a valid viewpoint for him. As a couple you were using contraception, he does not want a baby. I don’t think it is a big deal either. But you do. Again perfectly valid, but it still doesn’t make him a cunt.

Abortion isn't a big deal for a majority of women, I don't know what makes you think that
You don't agree with abortion for you, that's fair enough. Don't judge others for making different decisions to you

@OkPedro I'll rephrase that, its a big deal for a percentage of women.

People who are pro life certainty aren't a minority though, although yes I don't know the statistics.

It most certainly is a big deal for a lot of women.

@DelilahandDaisy I'm not judging her per say I was just giving my opinion about how I disagree with people using abortion as a form of contraception, then added that the choices they made in that relationship have contributed to him seeing abortion as no big deal and something that can be done willy nilly and forgotten about. Due to being party to multiple abortions he doesn't seem prepared to accept that not everybody finds it that easy

I don't dislike the woman

But there is nothing wrong with him seeing it as no big deal, just as you are entitled to bodily autonomy.

You've stated that you're anti-abortion, What's his stance?

He doesn't get a say. Pregnancy, birth and abortion is something that is a woman's issue, and he gets to have NO say in whether she chooses to have an invasive medical procedure or not.

FYI it isn't possible to use abortion as a contraceptive. Conception has already happened when a woman decides to have an abortion.
I assume what you mean is that your partner and his ex didn't care if pregancy occurred as it was easy for them to just go and have an abortion.
You actually don't know what went on in their relationship, and you don't know how his ex feels.

I think you're mad to bring another child into this shit storm

I'm afraid he has turned out to be that deadbeat that you weren't aware of when you first got together. Leave him OP and let him move on to his next victim. And without doubt there will be someone else he will impregnate and then he will be father to kids with three different women. He really isn't such a catch is he? Move on - love your kids and find yourself someone nice.

sorry but you must know your partner and what he’s like. you only found out about the abortions recently? you’re newly pregnant, so you still had him ejaculate inside you knowing he wasn’t bothering to fight to see his child.

i dont think its fair to slag him off so much, considering you chose to have unprotected sex with him, is my point. it says alot about you since you chose him.