To think things said to SEN parents can be horrific

[summernight]

What's the worst you've had said to you?

Yesterday, after a school event, that ds (8 - HFA) was involved in with the class and the teacher said to me 'it was great, he looked just all the other children during the event. At the end of the day, all us parents want is for our children to look normal' (soooo....he doesn't look normal the rest of the time). Sad thing is, I smiled and didn't say anything.

Zzzzz yes. I'm not posh although I'm educated, but I'm a SAHM in a fairly deprived part of the COUNTRY. However I'm articulate and I make an effort to learn the jargon and repeat it back to them, and I definately see a difference in how I'm dealt with compared to others less able to articulate their kids needs and their own contribution to their development. Which is totally unfair of course because it means a different level of service provision.

I do find the tone often changes when they find out I was a teacher before being a sahm. Suddenly they will take in to account what im saying. It does mean that when I talk to school they know i can be pushy as I know what should be done. I made sure any children I had in my class with additional needs got extra time with me even if it was giving up my lunch and break times and I certainly wouldent put up with any children or adults judging them. I wish people would not talk to my youngest like he is stupid, in fact when it comes to certain things he is far ahead, they shouldent take his lack of speech as he doesnt understand and actually the language he does have shows he is very bright

I managed to drop into the conversation that I had a degree when I was dealing with the teacher from hell. I'm young looking for my age so she assumed I was an uneducated single mum who had had her kids early. You could see her brain whirring as she processed that I was, educationally speaking, her equal. She tried to be all matey after that.

I did have a really good experience in a and e once though. I had to take dd and because I'm a lone parent had to take ds too. He has a fear of hospitals and germs so wouldn't sit on any of the seats and stood in the middle of the room stimming. Not one person in that room laughed, looked at him funny or stared. The nurse asked if he was alright and when I explained and asked if there was a quieter space we could wait she found us an empty room.

zzzz It goes an awfully long way being upper middle class IME. In DDs class there are 2 boys who are in single parent households which are low income. I've had to fight to get the school to listen to the parents. My kids didn't have aides for the first week of school. Mine now do. I did a surprise visit to my kids classes this week and reported the DC who didn't have aides to the state via our lawyer. In every case the DC come from a single mother households. I am good friends with of the one mothers and was texting with her. The school have told her she isn't a good parent because she works 2 jobs.

If the school did what they were supposed to do her DS would be such a happier boy.

I'm young looking for my age so she assumed I was an uneducated single mum who had had her kids early

I also have a degree, privately educated and am actually from a very middle class background. However, I have a London accent, am a bit fat and wear too much make up. Luckily I can remember my posh school past and can tone the London down and middle class it up a bit if needs be

Oh Formerbabe snap, I am privately educated, have an Msc, middle class background, quite scatty and quirky (I have Dysparaxia like ds), and speak like Jamie Oliver. Different accents for different situations eh

Oh and I am from Noorfff London innit

I have 3 autistic kids and I’m autistic. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve fielded stupid and ignorant comments so now my response is to hold my hand out and ask for £1.

When they ask why I tell them I charge a £1 for every time someone has taken it upon themselves to be ignorant and offensive about something they know nothing about and that I’m halfway to a 6* break in Barbados.

Obviously the request for money isn’t serious, but the point usually sinks in.

@Aeroflotgirl South London here! How funny....nice to know I'm not alone!

Where do I start....
The day ds1 was diagnosed with Aspergers and SPD (he is very high functioning), a friend who’s child was also in his class uttered “you wouldn’t know by looking at him, will he have to move to a ‘special school’ now. He was in year 3, she had known my son since reception and had no idea until she overheard me tell his class teacher at pick up, ds1 is the most calm, kind, rule oriented, well behaved child who has never had a tantrum let alone a meltdown. He is thriving in mainstream.

The school SENCo upon me telling him we were worried that he had withdrawn his IEP and removed him from the SEN register (this was after diagnosis) and that ds1 masks at school but let’s his anxiety out at home, he said, ‘we just don’t see it at school, lots of parents of children say the same’ ffs, if lots of parents are telling you the same thing then at least acknowledge it then rather then dismiss our concerns that the schools lack of support for our child (and others) is exacerbating ds’s anxiety. Apparently the fact he is very bright and academically able cancels out his very high levels of anxiety, his sensory issues, his fine motor skills difficulties...

The day before his assessment, the same SENCo, ‘I just don’t think he is autistic’. His class teacher when I told her, ‘please get him assessed tomorrow, he needs assessing. I won’t repeat the rest of the conversation but will say it wasn’t very complimentary towards the SENCo.

The same SENCo when asked if ds1 could wear ear defenders in the lunch hall as he was very anxious regards noise and wasn’t eating his lunch (large school, very noisy at lunchtimes). ‘No, it isn’t possible, he will ‘stand out’.

Spotting a pattern here?

We moved him out of the ‘outstanding’ school and now his needs are met his anxiety has all but disappeared.

The worst comment directed at me was being accused of pirsuing an autism dx to claim dla for r son be'ause it is made up condition to excuse challenging behaviour. I was lost for words. Also a lot of people have said ypu cant tell he has autism. So many times i have lost count. The ignorance is unreal.

Former ah saaarf London eh. I originally come from Edgeware, but like in Milton Keynes, miss it though.

@grimsqueaker Yes!

We escaped having our parenting blamed for Ds1’s AS and SPD. Other parents hadn’t been as lucky. Our first meeting with the school started like this...

Reception teacher (who was amazing) ‘we have concerns, we would like to get early intervention to come in to observe’

SENCo, ‘if there is anything you need help with in understanding what we’ve discussed today I know it’s a bit much with all the ‘jargon’ and ‘terminology’ blah blah blah.

Teacher (who already knew) asked me what I did for a living,

I replied, advanced nurse practitioner.

SENCo... silence.

I noticed a definite change in his attitude towards me after that.

Don’t get me started on the disablism that’s left to stand on here, it’s like the ‘This Is My Child’ campaign never bloody happened. Expecting parents to ‘educate’ disablist twats rather than actually moderate the threads is just too much, it’s not as if we have enough to do and fight against now is it.

God yes I had a 'friend' tell me i only wanted DLA as I was too lazy to work and that he couldn't be that bad really. DS hasn't managed more than 50 percent attendance at school for three years and can't be left at home as he is suicidal and has to be watched. I would much rather be at work to be honest.

I've read lots of horror stories on here about sencos...but just for balance, I will say the senco in my dds school is fantastic and so approachable. Very grateful for that!

The SENCo at his new school is amazing tbf.

What happens if your child's attendance I school is poor because then have additional needs? Do you get pulled up for that?

People who moan about parents getting money (dla and carers) for "looking after their own children". Or saying that parents should take their own child to special school ( 20 miles away) because that is what dla is for. Or tell you that you are lucky to get this, that and the other and should be more grateful.
It's never been said to me in real life ( except the last one which has been said by a professional) but has been said numerous times on here and often doesn't get deleted.

When my son was 9 he joined a new school and we invited all the children in his class to his birthday party. One mum broke down in tears because it was the first class party invite her DD with SEN had ever received. I could not believe that her DD had been at the school since preschool and had never received an invite, some people are needlessly cruel and thoughtless.

The girl came to our party, behaved beautifully and enjoyed herself.

I often wonder if my experience of professionals (which is actually fairly good) is that way because I am “posh” and educated.
Yep. And for me, old. When I see how others are treated by the same organisations as I use, there is absolutely no doubt.

What happens if your child's attendance I school is poor because then have additional needs? Do you get pulled up for that

Generally not, in our case. Her appointments and hospital stays are generally not counted as absence. However, if you have a school refuser, and the school deny that or are not sympathetic, I've heard of some which class it as unauthorised absence.

The other thing which can happen is absence is marked but accepted by the school. This can lead to auto generated warning letters which is shit but schools claim nothing they can do about it.

I've had some terrible things, mainly said about me, rather than ds1.

That I shouldn't have been allowed to have children. Didn't deserve to have children. Was an unfit mother. Was abusive. That I had munchausen's. That I'd got ds1's AS diagnosis only to detract others from my poor parenting.

I can't remember any of the others.

SENCo, ‘if there is anything you need help with in understanding what we’ve discussed today I know it’s a bit much with all the ‘jargon’ and ‘terminology’ blah blah blah

Be fair though. That's a decent thing for the SENCO to do. Many people do struggle and are afraid to speak up for fear of being thought stupid. Stating its ok, is a real help for some. If it doesn't apply to you, just say thanks, I'll ask if I need to and move on.

@ShowerGel9

What happens if your child's attendance I school is poor because then have additional needs? Do you get pulled up for that?

My dds attendance dipped due to numerous appointments. She hadn't even had a day off sick or for any other reason. It was purely due to appointments. I received a computer generated letter but school said as it was due to appointments and they had seen proof of all these, nothing else would be done. I understand it's computer generated and sent out automatically but it felt like a kick in the teeth to be honest. I was run ragged dragging her all over the place to different therapists and hospitals whilst juggling the care of my other dc...getting that letter made me feel like shit.