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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want Marriage?

125 replies

PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 12:36

I have two DCs from a previous relationship, my DP is lovely with them, treats them as if they were his own. He's perfect for me and my children - very calm and measured, never raises his voice (unlike my ex DP who was violent), kind, funny, etc etc
We have been together for four years, lived together for one. We are trying for a baby.

In the first year of our relationship he claimed he was traditional and would want us to get married one day. For the past year or so though, I've been dropping hints that I want to get married, told him outright 6 months ago I'd want to get married before having a DC with him. However I have dropped this because I'm now in my early 30s and don't want too huge an age gap between my DCs and the new baby.

He's changed his tune on marriage and says he doesn't see the point in getting married - waste of effort and money etc. He said we don't have enough friends to invite to a wedding anyway. Ive told him I don't want a big wedding, I'd be happy to do it just him and I and the DCs with his DM as a witness (she would not be happy if we did not invite her). I've explained it means something to me as silly as it may seem to him - my previous relationship was a train wreck, I had Dcs when really young. I would just love to have the same surname as DP and our potential new baby (my DCs have my exes surname) and be able to refer to him as husband instead of boyfriend. It just feels more 'solid' to me. But still no luck, just answers of "relax", "we have time for all that".

AIBU to be frustrated with this?

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 20/09/2018 12:47

You are being VERY unreasonable to continue TTC with this man. WTAF? You're early 30s, not 40s. There are several different threads on here right now from women who have completely screwed themselves by having a baby with the partner before marriage, packing in FT work and now the man isn't budging on marriage.

Marriage is either a dealbreaker or it's not. If you continue to live with this man and procreate with him, knowing as you now do that he does not want to marry you, then you have only yourself to blame for any frustration. And it would be utter folly in such a case to give the child your partner's surname and/or quit FT work.

That's just the way it goes. You can't force someone to marry you or want to marry.

Racecardriver · 20/09/2018 12:49

I really wouldn't have a baby with him unless he married you OP.

Thehop · 20/09/2018 12:51

Please don’t get pregnant until you resolve this or leave. You want totally different things.

Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 12:51

Is it a bit 'batshit' though, to have marriage as a dealbreaker? To actually leave someone because they won't marry you?

OP posts:
specialsubject · 20/09/2018 12:51

20 mins in the registry office and £150 or whatever it costs now. If you can't afford that you certainly couldn't afford a baby.

you need those legal protections. Why won't he do it?

Graphista · 20/09/2018 12:52

Personally for many legal and financial reasons I think it's a huge risk having children without being married.

Even living together is potentially risky when you have DC from another relationship.

Are you renting or is the property bought? On both counts is your name on tenancy/deeds? Do you have wills? Life assurance?

It's an especially bad idea to have DC without being married and compromise your earning potential by going part time or becoming a sahm. Are you working?

Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 12:53

He's always been a bit sheepish about making big steps. He waited a long time to meet DCs, a long time to move in. Although he's deided he wants a baby he's gone cold on the idea of marriage. I think it's partly laziness.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 20/09/2018 12:55

If you've been together four years already, there's going to be a sizeable gap in ages between the kids anyway, so if marriage is that important to you, don't let that be the reason not to stick to your guns. And everything that LeftRightCentre said.

InertPotato · 20/09/2018 12:55

Is it a bit 'batshit' though, to have marriage as a dealbreaker? To actually leave someone because they won't marry you?

Uh, no? Where did you get this idea? What an absolutely ludicrous notion.

Your existing kids deserve a stable arrangement.

Doingreat · 20/09/2018 12:57

Yep. As pps have said. Don't marry him. He doesn't want to marry you. That means he wants to deny you the advantages and security that marriage brings but wants you to have his child. The excuse about expense/effort is a load of bs and very disrespectful to you as his partner. You're happy with a tiny wedding. Minimal expense. As for too much effort? Why is this too much effort to make for his partner and mother of potential children? You're not worth the effort then?

Tell him marriage is non negotiable. He needs to commit or you need to think about the future of your relationship. And please mean it and see it through.

BloodyDisgrace · 20/09/2018 12:57

YANBU. I wouldn't have another baby with a man I'm not married to. marriage offers some legal protection in the days when relationship don't last a lifetime.
You can have a simple, quick and small ceremony at registry office, like specialsubject said. I think weddings have gone out of proportion and some men (and women, like myself) fear such expensive shows. But it doesn't have to be.

If you don't have time to wait, just explain it to him calmly. If he loves you, he'll get the point and do the right thing. If he doesn't know the fuck he wants then it sounds like bad news.

LeftRightCentre · 20/09/2018 12:57

Is it a bit 'batshit' though, to have marriage as a dealbreaker? To actually leave someone because they won't marry you?

No. I'd have left after the year. I would never have a child with a man I wasn't married to, much less willingly TTC. It doesn't matter what the reason is that he won't get married, he doesn't want to is reason enough. It's obviously not a dealbreaker to you though because you're still TTC. So now you know. If you have a child with this man best of luck but don't quit FT work because you have no rights as an unmarried parent and he could leave you high and dry.

Bumpitybumper · 20/09/2018 13:02

Of course it isn't 'batshit' to want the security of marriage before having a child with someone. This is absolutely the sensible thing to do and I would be very wary of anyone that tries to make out that you are being unreasonable to have this as a precondition for having another baby.

It seems that your DP is completely ignoring your assurances that you don't want a big occasion so I would assume that either he doesn't believe you and worries that the occasion wouldn't meet your expectations OR he is using the whole "big wedding" thing as an excuse to mask his true feelings about getting married you. I think it's really important that you get to the bottom of what he actually thinks as if it is the latter scenario then that absolutely should be a deal breaker and you would be mad to proceed with TTC knowing that the man has serious doubts about commiting to you.

InertPotato · 20/09/2018 13:02

He's always been a bit sheepish about making big steps. He waited a long time to meet DCs, a long time to move in. Although he's deided he wants a baby he's gone cold on the idea of marriage. I think it's partly laziness.

Bluntly, you need to grow up a bit. It's normal and right to take a long time to meet your children and move in together.

But he's stringing you along.

Camomila · 20/09/2018 13:02

I don't think it would be unreasonable at all to stop ttc and possibly break up over the issue.

I think if someone loves you enough to want a child with you they would want for you to be legally protected in case they get run over by a van etc.
And if they really had strong ideological objections to marriage (rather than can't be botheredness) I'd expect them to be proactive in sorting the legal stuff out by other means (eg wills)

But I speak as someone who said to my boyfriend after five years that we should either get engaged...because surely you know after half a decade?! or break up so I could go travelling/study abroad. I didn't want to waste my 20s on someone who couldn't make their minds up.

MyOtherNameChangeIsBetter · 20/09/2018 13:04

Don’t have any children with this man!

WheelOfMisfortune · 20/09/2018 13:04

It is never batshit to prioritise the things that are important to you.

Stop trying to conceive. Make it clear that you want to get married ASAP or the relationship is over. Take a stand for what you want.

Thundercracker · 20/09/2018 13:05

Don't make excuses for him about being a bit lazy. Bringing a baby into the world is a massive thing - either he has thought it through and made a decision (in which case, why not marriage?) or he hasn't thought it through either (in which case stop TTC!). If he wants to marry you, then you organising a simple wedding as you describe would be "great, fine, thanks for sorting, can't wait". His reaction tells you otherwise. This is not about laziness.

BrokenWing · 20/09/2018 13:06

Resolve this one way or another before having a baby.

Either you agree to book the registry office and get married in a few weeks, or book an appointment for you both to go to a solicitor together to discuss all the legal requirements to protect yourselves financially, wills, next of kin issues, parental responsibility for future children etc. Also book an appointment with a financial adviser to discuss implications for things like pensions for spousal benefits etc and what can be done there. Get a list of what is needed.

And tell him the baby will have your surname.

He'll show his true intentions if you push it.

peachgreen · 20/09/2018 13:06

There's no reason for him to refuse to marry you if he's willing to have a child with you. It would 100% be a dealbreaker for me unless I was the higher earner and wasn't planning on taking maternity leave. Even then I'd still find it a bit weird and it would make me consider my choices.

Nettletheelf · 20/09/2018 13:06

You would be BARMY to have a child under these circumstances. I don’t even understand why you moved in with him.

It is not ‘batshit’ to want to protect yourself and your children.

You must know that most men’s real reasons for rejecting marriage to women they already live with and have children with is “why buy the cow if you’re getting the milk for free”. He gets all the advantages: you don’t have the same claim on his assets that you’d have if you were married, he gets to save himself for a better offer and you, with his child and working part time, don’t have the financial wherewithal to walk out if he behaves badly.

The time to insist on marriage is when they start making noises about you moving in with them.

Put your foot down. I wish you luck and I hope he agrees to marriage.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 20/09/2018 13:06

Batshit is the word people use when they're trying to shame you into agreeing with them.

Your priorities are your own and just as valid as his.

PlinkPlink · 20/09/2018 13:07

The other night my OH saod "I think id like.another baby before we get married". I said I want to get married first before we try for another baby. I wasn't particularly happy that we had one before we were married. Two is not an option. But my OH hasn't backtracked on wanting marriage.

If you don't have the same relationship goals what's the point? You can't force him to change his mind and there's no guarantee he would.

Think about this very sensibly. I'd advise not to conceive a child with him. He's backtracked and that's really not fair...

Omgineedanamechange · 20/09/2018 13:07

Is it a bit 'batshit' though, to have marriage as a dealbreaker? To actually leave someone because they won't marry you?

Er, no. What’s batshit is to continue to TTC with someone who refuses to marry you.

I left my boyfriend when he refused to marry me. He got the shock of his life and we’ve been married 15 years now.

Littletabbyocelot · 20/09/2018 13:08

If you do still decide to TTC with him then why give potential new baby his name? Baby gets your name - whether it's also his name or not is up to him (in this instance)