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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want Marriage?

125 replies

PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 12:36

I have two DCs from a previous relationship, my DP is lovely with them, treats them as if they were his own. He's perfect for me and my children - very calm and measured, never raises his voice (unlike my ex DP who was violent), kind, funny, etc etc
We have been together for four years, lived together for one. We are trying for a baby.

In the first year of our relationship he claimed he was traditional and would want us to get married one day. For the past year or so though, I've been dropping hints that I want to get married, told him outright 6 months ago I'd want to get married before having a DC with him. However I have dropped this because I'm now in my early 30s and don't want too huge an age gap between my DCs and the new baby.

He's changed his tune on marriage and says he doesn't see the point in getting married - waste of effort and money etc. He said we don't have enough friends to invite to a wedding anyway. Ive told him I don't want a big wedding, I'd be happy to do it just him and I and the DCs with his DM as a witness (she would not be happy if we did not invite her). I've explained it means something to me as silly as it may seem to him - my previous relationship was a train wreck, I had Dcs when really young. I would just love to have the same surname as DP and our potential new baby (my DCs have my exes surname) and be able to refer to him as husband instead of boyfriend. It just feels more 'solid' to me. But still no luck, just answers of "relax", "we have time for all that".

AIBU to be frustrated with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 13:09

We rent, I'm on the tenancy not him - he moved in to the house a year ago. He has a decent income but no 'assets'.

I am self employed full time with work that I can fit around the kids school runs etc.

He kept going back and forth when talking about TTC until recently too, tbh.

He is a very 'scared' person - waited a long time to meet DCs (fair enough), three years before he would live with me (we nearly broke up over this), all has been great since he moved in, bar a few tiffs over house work etc (me nagging at him but give him his due he makes a big effort if I ask him to increase his efforts etc etc - he is a decent person and not selfish).

He seems to think though that we're not 'stable' because we have had a couple of 'tiffs' over these things (i.e. normal housework crap that most couples struggle with sometimes) and has alluded that he wont get married until weve had about a year of no arguments!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/09/2018 13:10

I wouldn't have had a baby with a man who wasn't prepared to marry me. It's OK to have expectations of someone who says they want to start a family with you.

Thundercracker · 20/09/2018 13:12

and has alluded that he wont get married until weve had about a year of no arguments!!!!!!!!!!!

"So you want to get married? Agree with me, don't nag me, keep your own opinions to yourseld and marriage is your prize"

peachgreen · 20/09/2018 13:12

Why is he trying for a baby with you if he thinks your relationship isn't stable enough for marriage? Alarm bells.

Nettletheelf · 20/09/2018 13:12

Christ on a moped! The more I hear about this man the less I like him. Now you have to be a good girl and never criticise or challenge him, ever, before he will even consider marriage?

That is not a ‘scared’ person. That is a twat.

Omgineedanamechange · 20/09/2018 13:14

He thinks your relationship isn’t stable yet is happy to try for a baby! Fuck me it’s rare something on here shocks me, but bloody hell.

SpikyCactus · 20/09/2018 13:14

YANBU. Stop TTC immediately and tell him you won’t be having a baby unless you’re married. Set a reasonable timeline for him to make up his mind (a year?) Tell him if your wedding isn’t booked by the end of the year you’ll end the relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with ending a relationship because it doesn’t meet your needs. If you want to get married and he doesn’t it can absolutely be a deal breaker (it would be for me).

Nettletheelf · 20/09/2018 13:16

Also, he’s done a fine job on you, hasn’t he? Why do you think that wanting to be married is ‘batshit’? Because that’s what he thinks?

Let me tell you, I had no concerns about being considered ‘batshit’ or anything else when I told my then boyfriend that I wouldn’t be living with anybody unless I was married to them. He proposed within the fortnight. Stick out for what you want: don’t accept second best.

butterflysugarbaby · 20/09/2018 13:17

Sorry OP, I have got to agree with everyone else. FFS don't have a baby with a man who doesn't think you are good enough to marry.

Just don't.

I would seriously be reviewing my relationship with this man tbh.

Hideandgo · 20/09/2018 13:21

I’d be wondering why he’s changed his tune..... Do you earn much or are you SAH? I wonder if someone has alerted him to how things would work if you were married.

Yabbers · 20/09/2018 13:21

If he couldn’t commit to me, how could I be sure he’d be committed to our children. Marriage would be a dealbreaker for me. If that makes me batshit then so be it.

Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 13:21

Well I can be a bit grumpy, bad PMS. Get irritable about the house/stress of working with kids etc etc usual stuff but I can lash out unfairly during two weeks before AF.. He's not a grumpy person and doesn't like it rightly so. I always think of him as a massive catch though because he's very loyal/morally sound, he's not a 'lad', doesn't go to the pub with his mates (big problem with my alcoholic ex), helps me out.

I have pointed out to him that we will never get anywhere if he is going to use the fact I was grumpy with him last week as an excuse not to take the next step.

You are all right, just made a GP appt to get my coil back in.

I just feel uncomfortable about 'forcing' someone to marry me. i.e. what's the point/joy in it if you had to manipulate them into it.

OP posts:
SmallAndFarAway · 20/09/2018 13:22

If you have a baby with him, you won't get married afterwards. It's been played out on a depressing number of MN threads already. Now is when you have a chance to stop that from happening, not after getting pregnant.

Omgineedanamechange · 20/09/2018 13:27

You can’t force someone to marry you, nor can you manipulate them into it. You are merely stating your terms, he’s free to take it or leave it.

Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 13:28

So do you think giving him a year to decide would be reasonable? Am I on a fools errand!??

OP posts:
Nettletheelf · 20/09/2018 13:32

Everyone gets grumpy sometimes, especially when wrangling career, job and children. I understand that some pliant, uncomplaining women are available from the robot factory in Stepford, but he probably wouldn’t want to commit to one of those either.

Nettletheelf · 20/09/2018 13:33

Oh and in answer to the fools’ etrand question: yes, if you plan to submit to a year long audition for marriage, with criteria set by him.

Troels · 20/09/2018 13:38

Buy him a pack of condoms, tell him it's so you don't get pregnant as you don't want to have any more without the commitment of marriage.
He's also the batshit one if he thinks you will perform for a year to proove you can live without tiffs, everyone has small dissagreements. Or is he looking to see if you can shut your mouth and do as he says for a whole year.

flamingofridays · 20/09/2018 13:39

he's stringing you along. it's never going to happen. I know because I am exactly the same situation!

flamingofridays · 20/09/2018 13:39

of course you are! he might as well have asked you to find him a tin or tartan paint because it will have the same result.

AHoleInTheWorld · 20/09/2018 13:44

Don't have children with someone who won't marry you when it's clear you want it and he knew that and claimed he wanted it too.

Sounds like either his feelings have changed or he was just telling you what you wanted to hear early on in the relationship or both.

After my first failtacular long-term relationship, then for me, my partner not wanting to marry me would be a deal breaker.

teaandtoast · 20/09/2018 13:44

Nah, I think he's asking her for a long weight (wait).

teaandtoast · 20/09/2018 13:45

I've left 2 previous boyfriends when it became obvious that I wasn't marriage material to them.

AHoleInTheWorld · 20/09/2018 13:47

Oh and can you have your children's surname changed? Do they really want their abusive father's last name? Confused

Nettletheelf · 20/09/2018 13:47

HAHAHA at TeaandToast’s ‘long weight’.