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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want Marriage?

125 replies

PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 12:36

I have two DCs from a previous relationship, my DP is lovely with them, treats them as if they were his own. He's perfect for me and my children - very calm and measured, never raises his voice (unlike my ex DP who was violent), kind, funny, etc etc
We have been together for four years, lived together for one. We are trying for a baby.

In the first year of our relationship he claimed he was traditional and would want us to get married one day. For the past year or so though, I've been dropping hints that I want to get married, told him outright 6 months ago I'd want to get married before having a DC with him. However I have dropped this because I'm now in my early 30s and don't want too huge an age gap between my DCs and the new baby.

He's changed his tune on marriage and says he doesn't see the point in getting married - waste of effort and money etc. He said we don't have enough friends to invite to a wedding anyway. Ive told him I don't want a big wedding, I'd be happy to do it just him and I and the DCs with his DM as a witness (she would not be happy if we did not invite her). I've explained it means something to me as silly as it may seem to him - my previous relationship was a train wreck, I had Dcs when really young. I would just love to have the same surname as DP and our potential new baby (my DCs have my exes surname) and be able to refer to him as husband instead of boyfriend. It just feels more 'solid' to me. But still no luck, just answers of "relax", "we have time for all that".

AIBU to be frustrated with this?

OP posts:
Bumpitybumper · 20/09/2018 13:49

Would you want to marry him even if he did propose in that year? Would you think he was only asking under duress?

Bluelady · 20/09/2018 13:52

Please don't have a baby with this man unless he marries you first. I'm in a hurry so will let countless others explain why.

Spanielmadness · 20/09/2018 13:53

It’s not batshit to leave if someone doesn’t want to marry you. It shows you want different things and you’re not important enough to them if they won’t marry you.
An ex was like this. Said he wanted to get married some day, then changed his mind and I’m pleased to say we’ve split. I want marriage and I know I’m worthy of it. More so than staying with someone who won’t commit.

SpikyCactus · 20/09/2018 13:55

You’re not forcing him to marry you. You’re telling him what you want from a long term relationship and making it clear that if you don’t want the same things you’ll be ending it with him and looking elsewhere.

A year to decide is more than reasonable. Or maybe your next anniversary could be the deadline. I certainly wouldn’t dedicate more than five years to a relationship with no future.

MadameButterface · 20/09/2018 13:58

you don't have to have a full on wedding to be married

it's a sensible thing to do, and it's not 'batshit' to have a line in the sand

maybe your twat radar is skewed by being with an abuser previously. people can be a bit twatty without being abusers

you can see about changing your dcs' last names too if that's what you and they want, and you don't have to change your name or give a new baby its father's name either if you do get married

Doingreat · 20/09/2018 14:00

Op please don't accept an engagement as a compromise before having a baby. Some men propose in circumstances such as yours and have a baby but the marriage never materialises. It has to be marriage before you ttc again.

Shoxfordian · 20/09/2018 14:01

Do you really want to be compliant enough for a year just to get a ring on your finger? Don't be such a mug

faeriequeen · 20/09/2018 14:02

Do you want to be with someone who is so reluctant to commit to you? I wouldn't.

Oddcat · 20/09/2018 14:06

I'm astounded by men and women who don't communicate with each other about important life goals but go ahead and have children together .

Littletabbyocelot · 20/09/2018 14:09

Do you think someone who can't handle hormonal grumpiness once a month is the right person to be with during pregnancy and the newborn phase?

MidnightAura · 20/09/2018 14:13

OP Please don’t have a child with this man. Why oh why has he decided you are good enough to have his child but must have a year of no arguements before he will fully commit to you with the legal protection of marriage? He makes it sound like a reward for good behaviour.

MadameButterface · 20/09/2018 14:14

you can do the freedom programme online, fyi

it might be useful if you have had a previous abusive relationship because it sounds like you are quite accepting of shite behaviour as long as it's not physical violence or addiction, which is worrying

saying (effectively) 'get off my back about domestic shitwork for a year then we'll see about marriage' is shite behaviour, in case you didn't know

OftenHangry · 20/09/2018 14:18

Why don't you propose? I mean, don't drop hints about wanting to get married. Go for it and propose. Get him engagment watch for example. Doesn't have to be anything big. Tell him that you love him and you know he loves you, and that there will be arguments, there will be tears, but there will also be wonderful moments and laugh and that's how life is and you want that life with him.
You will see where you go from there.

Maybe he is worried about proposing, that it wouldn't be good enough or that the wedding wouldn't be good enough.

But obviously it depends on what kind of person he is. I don't kniw him so I can only guess whether he would be happy or if he felt emasculated (because even with times changing lots of people still think only man should propose).

Mumoftwo12345 · 20/09/2018 14:22

Does the cost of a wedding factor into his decision. Yes a registry office is cheap but perhaps he wants a fancier wedding? Get you a nice ring? Maybe he's planning a surprise engagement and is trying to put you off course?
If he stands by this 'let's see if we don't argue in a year' tell him he's being ridiculous!

hellsbellsmelons · 20/09/2018 14:29

and has alluded that he wont get married until weve had about a year of no arguments!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow! Isn't he a catch??? (NOT)
There are a good few red flags here OP.
Ignore them at your peril.
But for the love of god. do NOT, I repeat, do NOT have a baby with this man until you are married!
Properly and legally married!
Not just a promise - actually married.
Not engaged - actually married!
There, I think I've made my point????

Rednaxela · 20/09/2018 14:32

Too lazy to spend £150 and a few hours.

But not too lazy to have lots of unprotected sex with you OP under the guise of "let's make a baby" Hmm

You both need a kick up the arse what the f are you playing at.

Graphista · 20/09/2018 14:42

Having a child with someone who has even a HINT of 'laziness' about him is a terrible idea! You've already got DC you know what hard work it is especially in the baby/toddler years. You shouldn't need to eg remind him to do chores. This seems a disaster waiting to happen to me!

You'll be back here in a couple of years "dp won't help with the baby, only does housework after constant reminders and I've had to go PT to get everything done. So I can't ltb cos I can't afford to raise 3 DC on my PT wage"

EVERYONE has good and bad days, I HIGHLY doubt he's NEVER grumpy or fed up or irritable! That's life when you live with others!

He actually sounds very immature which is the LAST thing you want in a potential parent!

Laureline · 20/09/2018 14:49

Please don’t get pregnant!

This guy has manipulated you into being the one who has to ask for commitments + he is also training you into never asking anything from him (no arguments actually means “don’t bother me and ask me to pull my weight”)

Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 14:53

Thanks all for your advice it's really opened my eyes.
I am going to talk to him tonight. Along the lines of - what the fuck are we doing?
I'm not even going to give him an ultimatum, because if he's that reluctant to marry me he can fuck off anyway. He definitely does not want me to propose. In essence that's what I've been doing in dropping hints and outright telling him I want to get married anyway.

He will be heartbroken to lose my DC and the family dogs (mine) but that's his problem - he can go back to living in squalor with his brother playing on the xbox every night.

OP posts:
OftenHangry · 20/09/2018 14:56

Hold on, people.
OP said he is great with her kids and all. It just looks like he is dragging feet with lifechanging decisions and lots of people are like that. Often because they are scared but don't want to admit it so let it look like laziness or other reasons. Some people need a little or a big push, but it doesn't mean they are not commited at all.

OftenHangry · 20/09/2018 14:57

Oh. X posted I seeConfused

Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 14:59
Grin
OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 20/09/2018 14:59

""me nagging at him but give him his due he makes a big effort if I ask him to increase his efforts etc etc""

So he doesn't just pitch in and do what's needed, you've got to have all of the Mental Load?

It's been really easy, him just moving in and taking instructions.

He isn't committed to you. That needs sorting out. Not just for you, but for your existing children, whose lives will be changed, if he decides it's all too much effort and pisses off once the Baby is here.

He's dangling marriage like it's a prize. Once you have the Baby, that'll be the excuse why it doesn't happen and eventually you'll accept not being married.

You are interpreting him doing what suits him, as him being scared.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 20/09/2018 15:18

OP, just to echo what everybody else said.

There are many reasons why it is usually a good idea to get married before you have kids. If you have a baby and you're not married to the father, you really need to stay in full time work so that your income and pension provision don't take a hit, because you won't have any claim to his if the relationship ends. (And he should be paying into your pension for any time you're not able to make contributions due to being on maternity leave, and his salary should be going into a joint account to which you have full access.)

You sure as shit shouldn't let your baby have his surname if he won't commit to marrying you first, and the good news is you don't have to, because if you're not married he only has legal parental responsibility if you choose to give it to him.

But apart from the legal issues, if marriage is important to you then having a baby without being married puts you at real risk of never getting what you want. Once you've got a baby together, you and this man will be a family of some sort. (In real terms, not in the eyes of the law.)

Once you've got a baby, saying you'll end the relationship if he doesn't marry you becomes a lot more difficult because it's not just about you and him anymore. You have the children to consider, and you'd be stopping them from growing up in a family where their parents are still together, even when the relationship might otherwise be quite happy, purely because he won't marry you.

If marriage is a dealbreaker for you, don't have a baby with him. It's not fair on any child to be born into that kind of situation.

LeftRightCentre · 20/09/2018 15:19

he can go back to living in squalor with his brother playing on the xbox every night.

What a catch!

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