Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want Marriage?

125 replies

PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 12:36

I have two DCs from a previous relationship, my DP is lovely with them, treats them as if they were his own. He's perfect for me and my children - very calm and measured, never raises his voice (unlike my ex DP who was violent), kind, funny, etc etc
We have been together for four years, lived together for one. We are trying for a baby.

In the first year of our relationship he claimed he was traditional and would want us to get married one day. For the past year or so though, I've been dropping hints that I want to get married, told him outright 6 months ago I'd want to get married before having a DC with him. However I have dropped this because I'm now in my early 30s and don't want too huge an age gap between my DCs and the new baby.

He's changed his tune on marriage and says he doesn't see the point in getting married - waste of effort and money etc. He said we don't have enough friends to invite to a wedding anyway. Ive told him I don't want a big wedding, I'd be happy to do it just him and I and the DCs with his DM as a witness (she would not be happy if we did not invite her). I've explained it means something to me as silly as it may seem to him - my previous relationship was a train wreck, I had Dcs when really young. I would just love to have the same surname as DP and our potential new baby (my DCs have my exes surname) and be able to refer to him as husband instead of boyfriend. It just feels more 'solid' to me. But still no luck, just answers of "relax", "we have time for all that".

AIBU to be frustrated with this?

OP posts:
InertPotato · 20/09/2018 15:27

he can go back to living in squalor with his brother playing on the xbox every night.

Seriously, what were you thinking?

Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 15:49

He's just come home, Ive brought it up again. His response "you're being fucking crazy. I will marry you but not for a couple of years, I'm too young to get.married " (he's 29)

OP posts:
Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 15:51

And his response to I'm not having a baby without marriage is "fine, no baby"

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 20/09/2018 15:52

Nice. I wouldn't stay living with him, much less procreating with him, unless you're interested in a baby daddy/lazy manchild. Anyone who told me I was 'fucking crazy' for wanting to have an adult discussion wouldn't be someone I'd stay with.

LeftRightCentre · 20/09/2018 15:53

Do you think you're already pregnant? If not, it would be no sex without a condom and I'd be ringing up the GP before they close to get my coil fitted.

flamingofridays · 20/09/2018 15:54

god he sounds like a tosser. kick him out op!

hellsbellsmelons · 20/09/2018 16:01

Oh dear.
He's a cock!
29!!! He's sounds about 12. Obnoxious little shit!

You know what to do OP.
Don't waste your best years waiting for this guy to fulfill (or NOT) what he's said.
And calling you crazy!!! Just NOT OK!!!

peachgreen · 20/09/2018 16:02

Get rid OP. He's not going to marry you. He's committed enough to try for a baby with you and to parent your children but not to marry you? Also anyone that called me "fucking crazy" would be gone.

foxbox99 · 20/09/2018 16:15

He's packing his stuff Confused

Troels · 20/09/2018 16:21

Foxbox99 Is that you Pointy

Graphista · 20/09/2018 16:23

If he's too young to be married he's DEFINITELY too young to be a father!

He was 25 when you met, you already had 2 DC from a previous relationship - how old are you?

Itsnotabingthingisit · 20/09/2018 16:33

Mumsnet really isn't the place to ask this kind of questions - it's a very pro marriage forum as a way of securing your rights in a relationship.

Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with having kids with someone and not getting married. You can quite easily go to a solicitors and get legally binding paperwork set up to protect you and your dependants in the event of any relationship breakdown.

I can't see the point in ruining this otherwise positive relationship over a traditional ritual that not everyone thinks is important.

PlinkPlink · 20/09/2018 16:36

Woah... too young? I was engaged to be married at 25. I called that off. Various reasons. But 25 was too young.

I'm now 30 and with my OH and DS. We plan on getting married in a few years. Like 3 or 4?

Don't let him string you along though. 2 years is fine. If he hasn't done it by then, leave. Don't raise it anymore. He's given you an answer. Done.

Graphista · 20/09/2018 16:43

Itsnotabingthing - and what legally binding paperwork THAT ONE PARTY CANNOT CHANGE WITHOUT WARNING THE OTHER and which confers all the same rights as marriage would that be then?

trojanpony · 20/09/2018 17:02

he can go back to living in squalor with his brother playing on the xbox every night.

Fuck me what a catch...

Hope the conversation goes well but totally agree with the others
Condoms and stop TTC until you have a clear answer

SpikyCactus · 20/09/2018 17:35

Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with having kids with someone and not getting married
Great if that’s what you want. But it isn’t what OP wants. And there are two kids involved who are probably starting to think this man is a permanent fixture in their lives, except he isn’t willing to commit to that.

If he isn’t ready at 29 after a 4 year relationship, he probably never will be. In my experience men who “aren’t ready” to get married usually just aren’t sure they want to marry YOU.

InertPotato · 20/09/2018 17:44

Oh my god he sounds worse with every single post.

Honestly, he sounds revolting.

Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 18:41

Hi, just got back from dd' swimming lesson. He's taken his belongings and gone. He said that he might want to get married in 3 years or so. Said he can take or leave having a baby anyway. He said I am being ridiculous, anyone would agree I'm throwing away our relationship for the sake of 'marriage'.
I said I cant be arsed to wait around for maybe's. It's typical pattern of him delaying, every next step in our relationship. There are a few bits and bobs I'm not happy with as well, main one being fact he has NEVER been the one to initiate affection or sex.

Anyway, he's back at his brothers with his precious xbox and tv.

OP posts:
Graphista · 20/09/2018 18:47

Sorry op, but it rather sounds like he was never that into you. That you were the driving force behind the whole relationship.

You deserve and your children deserve better than that.

InertPotato · 20/09/2018 18:51

He said that he might want to get married in 3 years or so. Said he can take or leave having a baby anyway. He said I am being ridiculous, anyone would agree I'm throwing away our relationship for the sake of 'marriage'.

From this you can infer that he doesn't take a baby seriously. He'd never stick around.

You're well shot of him.

Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 18:57

No you're right, he just never showed much enthusiasm. I don't think he's capable to be honest, was single for a long time before I came along. He and his brothers aren't really bothered about finding a girlfriend. Bunch of hermits.

(sorry pp asked my age, Im 32.)

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/09/2018 18:57

You were all too correct. He had no intention of marrying you. As soon as you made it clear it was a deal breaker he was gone at lightning speed.

You must be feeling miserable, but you did exactly the right thing. And while he's not occupying the DP slot you can find yourself a decent bloke who really loves you and will be only too thrilled to marry you.

Original poster
PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 19:03

Thanks for the support. He was totally adamant that I am being totally bonkers and we haven't even been together that long bla bla.

OP posts:
Elletine · 20/09/2018 19:11

OP bloody well done for grasping the nettle and having the conversation, it sounds like that has clarified things for you both.

You have had a lucky escape from a potential nightmare situation!

I say put the kids to bed, order yourself a takeaway, have a big glass of wine and quietly congratulate yourself for dodging this man child bullet!! Flowers and Wine for you!!

MoaningSickness · 20/09/2018 19:24

He said that he might want to get married in 3 years or so.

I fell for a line like that. He was 25 and told me he wanted to marry, but felt too young, in five years he'd be ready. So I stayed with him. At 28 we were talking and he mentioned the 'in five years' again. I pointed out that that was what he said three years ago, there should only be two years left... and I realized it would ALWAYS be 'five years..' away. I left.

If he's too young to marry he's too young for a serious relationship. Move on.