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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Want Marriage?

125 replies

PointyAndWhite · 20/09/2018 12:36

I have two DCs from a previous relationship, my DP is lovely with them, treats them as if they were his own. He's perfect for me and my children - very calm and measured, never raises his voice (unlike my ex DP who was violent), kind, funny, etc etc
We have been together for four years, lived together for one. We are trying for a baby.

In the first year of our relationship he claimed he was traditional and would want us to get married one day. For the past year or so though, I've been dropping hints that I want to get married, told him outright 6 months ago I'd want to get married before having a DC with him. However I have dropped this because I'm now in my early 30s and don't want too huge an age gap between my DCs and the new baby.

He's changed his tune on marriage and says he doesn't see the point in getting married - waste of effort and money etc. He said we don't have enough friends to invite to a wedding anyway. Ive told him I don't want a big wedding, I'd be happy to do it just him and I and the DCs with his DM as a witness (she would not be happy if we did not invite her). I've explained it means something to me as silly as it may seem to him - my previous relationship was a train wreck, I had Dcs when really young. I would just love to have the same surname as DP and our potential new baby (my DCs have my exes surname) and be able to refer to him as husband instead of boyfriend. It just feels more 'solid' to me. But still no luck, just answers of "relax", "we have time for all that".

AIBU to be frustrated with this?

OP posts:

SilverLining10 · 20/09/2018 19:36

Op sounds like you finally woke up.
Its seems all one sided here - he has a comfortable set up so why should he get married. You had to almost breakup to get him to move in with you, so it seems like this isnt going to happen.
And besides it seems like you are trying to sell him the idea of marriage
Do you really want to force anyone.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 20/09/2018 19:37

Wow, that was quick!! Totally uncommitted anyway!

LeftRightCentre · 20/09/2018 19:38

I really hope you're not pregnant.

Rebecca36 · 20/09/2018 19:45

If marriage is so important to you but not to him, it will be a big elephant in the room forever. You're bonkers to even consider having a child with the man if you cannot agree on something so crucial.

timeisnotaline · 20/09/2018 19:48

It’s not bonkers op. It’s very sensible. I’d have ended my relationship if he hadn’t decided to marry me.

ohfourfoxache · 20/09/2018 20:02

Bloody hell have you dodged a bullet there

He’s shown you what he’s like, listen and don’t take him back

Newbienew90 · 20/09/2018 20:11

How old are your kids op?

OftenHangry · 20/09/2018 20:17

Well, now with your updates, I take back what I said before. Except the bit about it being fine for women to propose.
Good luck. He might realise he is doing wrong thing and should change abit. Good luck x!

MsVestibule · 20/09/2018 20:20

Seriously? He upped and left, just like that?

Why did you want to commit the rest of your life to somebody who never initiated sex or affection? What a miserable life that would be. For me, anyway; the absolute bare minimum I would expect from a relationship is that my boyfriend/husband fancied me!

RoboticSealpup · 20/09/2018 20:28

There's your answer. He'd rather leave than commit to you. Not someone you want to have a family with, is it?

Bluelady · 20/09/2018 20:30

Lucky escape, OP. Please don't take him back, there are decent men put there, he isn't one of them.

OliviaBenson · 20/09/2018 21:28

To be honest op, I think you need to look at yourself here. You were so desperate not to have a big age gap between your children that you were overlooking a number of massive red flags. If you had got pregnant he wouldn't have been that hands on anyway. Why did you want to settle for so little? Well done for getting rid but for the sake of your children please don't do this again.

MadameButterface · 20/09/2018 22:18

"He said I am being ridiculous, anyone would agree I'm throwing away our relationship for the sake of 'marriage'."

what bollocks. it's not ridiculous to value yourself and to have standards. quite the opposite. Please do the freedom programme op

user1487194234 · 20/09/2018 22:31

Personally I would not have had children if U was not married
But I am a very cautious person

Original poster

PointyAndWhite · 21/09/2018 07:14

Wow thank you so much for your support and advice everyone. It's amazing what a bunch of objective opinions can open your eyes to!
I am now reali sing so many things about hi m/ our rerelationship that just were a bit pants. Sorry about all the typos I'm on dd s tablet!
You are all so right and I do need to have a serious think because it seems I was so happy that he was so different to my ex that I was willing to settle for whatever and think myself lucky.
I'm actually feeling a relief stran gely, to wake up knowing he's gone.
My period is due in a week, I don't think i m pregnant and if I am i won't be keeping it.

OP posts:

Original poster

PointyAndWhite · 21/09/2018 07:17

Sorry for not answering all questions, my dc s are 10 and 6

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 21/09/2018 09:05

Well done OP.
He was never going to fully commit to you.
You are now free to have a bit of fun and then think about your future.
He sounds like a waste of space and you've realised that.
He will soon realise what he's passed up.
But leave him to him x-box and you live your life to the fullest.

Pebblesandfriends · 21/09/2018 10:16

You have just saved yourself a lot of time and heartache in the long run. If he can't even talk about this seriously then he's not someone you want to be having a child with. You know you want marriage, don't ever be made to feel like you need to apologise for that by anyone, especially not someone you are in a relationship with. You are not batdhit at all, and I am tired of reading about women made to think they are for what is a perfectly reasonable want. Well done for making a stand. Whatever happens he will respect you more for it.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/09/2018 14:19

OP a man who truly loves you will be thrilled to marry you. He'll see you as a catch. He'll feel lucky that you chose him.

My DH never stopped beaming our whole wedding day. That's the feeling you're looking for.

Confusedbeetle · 21/09/2018 14:24

Men who are happy to commit to having a baby but won't commit to you as a person for life have got things the wrong way round. You are right to want a man who is totally committed to you before you have a child with him. Many men will avoid this unless they see the writing on the wall. If this matters to you then explain to him why.

AHoleInTheWorld · 21/09/2018 14:37

The more you said about him the less of a catch he sounds like. I can see how after a really bad relationship he might have looked great by comparison.

The too young excuse is just that, if someone really wants to marry you then they aren't hung up on their age.

Glad to hear you're moving on. You deserve someone who Really wants you and loves you so much they can't imagine not being married to you.

RoboticSealpup · 21/09/2018 14:39

I was so happy that he was so different to my ex that I was willing to settle for whatever and think myself lucky.

I've been in that situation too. I was stuck with someone lazy, completely lacking in ambition and unwilling to ever talk about the future, just because he was "nicer than my ex".

I now have a DH who is proud to call me his wife, who would do anything for me and loves me on both the good days and the bad. You'll find someone who deserves you too, but first you have to know your own worth. It seems like you're waking up to it now.

Rapnoceros · 21/09/2018 16:09

I think the way he left so easily demonstrates he wasn't as serious about the relationship as you were.

DH told me recently he knew he'd marry me from 2 weeks in. Waited 3 years to do it, until we had lived together etc. When you find the "one" you won't have to force them to marry you.

Good luck in the future Op

GoatWithACoat · 21/09/2018 18:38

Do you think that your previous relationship has skewed your view? As in, in comparison to your ex he’s brilliant. So therefore you think he is a catch? Because although he may not be the arsehole your ex was, that doesn’t mean he’s a good catch.

trojanpony · 21/09/2018 21:51

This feels bad short term but long term is much better for you and your children

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