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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we should wear black for mourning for as long as we want?

141 replies

recklessruby · 20/09/2018 10:13

Just that really.
I have recently been reading about the practice of Victorian mourning and mourning clothes. They showed the world you were grieving and to be gentle with you.
These days I feel the mourning period is rushed and people expect you to feel better straight after the funeral drinks and tea.
I have been to funerals where people were wearing colours and it didn't feel right to me (unless it was the family s request).
So would you be ok with black clothes for some time after?
I feel it would show society you are grieving and don't want to snap out of it?
I want all black at my own funeral by the way.

OP posts:

GinDaddy · 20/09/2018 10:20

Sure; I don’t think anyone should judge you on this. It’s your life and your observations of passing.

However I do think colours at funerals can be a lovely thing IF specified by the family as part of a “celebration” of life. Akin to the applause at football games for a person’s passing, we all grieve differently and this can bring forth wonderful warm emotions.

cblack · 20/09/2018 10:21

Black is such a common colour to wear that I wouldn't think anything of you wearing it and probably wouldn't link it to grieving at all.

I agree that as a society we expect people to "get over it" far too fast. But I don't think most people really link mourning to clothes any more.

JacquesHammer · 20/09/2018 10:26

But I don't think most people really link mourning to clothes any more

Yes this. I always and only wear black.

CherryBlossom23 · 20/09/2018 10:27

All black at a funeral is a very British thing. To offer a counter perspective, I found it odd, and almost added an air of forced somberness. I've been to plenty of funerals in Ireland and everyone in all black is rare. Yes, most people would wear muted colours but no one cares if someone shows up in a blue shirt or a green top. Then again, Irish funerals are an entity unto themselves. I'd rather people wore whatever they feel comfortable in to my funeral. I also won't give a crap because I'll be dead .

Original poster

recklessruby · 20/09/2018 10:27

Maybe all deep black or a black band round a coat arm.
I just think we have sanitised death and want it tidied away and forgotten as soon as possible.
My friend lost her df and was given 3 days off work and one for the funeral.
She really couldn't function at work.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 20/09/2018 10:28

The way we treat death has nothing to do with the outward trappings of mourning.

WitsEnding · 20/09/2018 10:29

I agree with wearing colours to funerals feeling wrong, for me wearing black is showing respect for the dead. I wouldn't judge anyone for what they wear, that's my own feeling. I tend to wear dark clothes if miserable and would be OK to formally wear them for mourning, but I wouldn't expect anyone to recognise them as such. What I would have an issue with would be people telling me to lighten up and wear something brighter - IME this didn't happen as I was generally in business dress or jeans.

blueyacht · 20/09/2018 10:32

All black at a funeral isn’t just British. Ever been to Greece and seen old women wearing nothing but black? They’re widows or in mourning period. You wear black and dress is a sombre way (no or little jewellery, make up etc) and your house and life are the same eg you wouldn’t throw a birthday party or put up a Christmas tree.

spaceraidersrock · 20/09/2018 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DPotter · 20/09/2018 10:37

I think it's totally appropriate the wear what you want, be that black, purple or muted colours.
However I would be careful about assuming wearing black will signify anything to anyone else. Black is not a colour reserved just for mourning these days, even head to toe black. And I wouldn't assume people will understand a black armband either.
Grieving for someone is hard work and sadly it's work the grieving person has to do to come through.

Original poster

recklessruby · 20/09/2018 10:40

Yes I have often thought other countries do it better. They are allowed to mourn and widows etc treated with respect.
I would bet they don't need grief counselling either as they tend to have close family who understand.

OP posts:

CherryBlossom23 · 20/09/2018 10:43

Why wouldn't anyone's close family understand that a family member is mourning? You don't have to be Greek for that . Just tell people how you're feeling.

JessicaJonesJacket · 20/09/2018 10:48

I'm not sure being treated with respect helps the mourning process or has any impact on whether or not you'd need grief counselling.
But I also don't think people expect you to feel better after the funeral tea. Anyone with empathy knows how long the mourning process can be and regardless of whether you're wearing black or not, they'll appreciate that losing a loved one has a massive impact on your life for years to come.

Womaningreen · 20/09/2018 10:49

"They showed the world you were grieving and to be gentle with you."

I don't think wearing black is going to help with that. It would be good if there was still a tradition of an arm band or something if you felt you wanted people to be able to note it. I presume you are talking about colleagues or, for example, staff in a shop, who might treat you a bit more gently?

my parents come from a culture where death is supposed to be marked at various points throughout the following year and I really dislike it. I want to take my own time to deal with it and not have designated days for stuff to happen.

Original poster

recklessruby · 20/09/2018 10:50

I meant the Greek widows have family support but a lot of people in the UK have family far away.
Also friends and colleagues can be insensitive.

OP posts:

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 20/09/2018 10:50

Have you lost a husband op?

I have and I can tell you the last thing I give or gave a shit about was what I was wearing..Most days I felt I was doing well just by managing to get out of bed, dressed and function

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 20/09/2018 10:52

I want all black at my own funeral by the way.

I find this extremely odd. Your funeral is for the mourners, the people grieving, in pain, saying their final goodbyes. It isn’t for you. You won’t know a thing about it. It will never affect you what people wear after you die. Why do you think you get to dictate what people wear at an event that you won’t experience?

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 20/09/2018 10:53

Queen Victoria wore black for the rest of her life after Prince Albert died.

Original poster

recklessruby · 20/09/2018 10:53

No I never married.
The one true love of my life was killed in a road accident when I was young and no man has ever matched up to him.

OP posts:

DukeOfSussex · 20/09/2018 10:56

I have been to funerals where people were wearing colours and it didn't feel right to me (unless it was the family s request

You should be able to wear black as long as you like but for the same reason people who want to celebrate the life of someone special should be OK to wear colours too. Mourning colours also vary by culture.

I wouldn't assume because someone was wearing black they were mourning though so I wouldn't know to treat them gently.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 20/09/2018 10:57

Then surely you understand that in a time of such grief clothes mean nothing. We all deal with our grief in the best way for us being it clothing, memorial,tattoos, making jewellery from ashes etc

Womaningreen · 20/09/2018 10:57

OP a lot of people have family or friends far away everywhere.

in terms of friends and colleagues being insensitive - I'm very sorry to hear your friends aren't supporting you. That must be really difficult.

in terms of colleagues, I had one colleague who was upset about that, we sent her a card, but never mentioned her father passing when she returned to work. She said to me that she felt people didn't care. I explained that we were more worried about not "triggering" her but it turned out she wanted to talk about it.

I think colleagues in particular need to alert others to what they need. With your friends you would know, but with colleagues you wouldn't. I keep a very particular work face on all the time, I'd never want to discuss a loss. So you may need to signal to them if you need more.

do you need time off?

DukeOfSussex · 20/09/2018 10:59

That's how I feel. It's like shouting Grieve better! from beyond the grave.

CherryBlossom23 · 20/09/2018 11:02

I do find it a bit sad that people in the UK seem to be almost afraid of death and have to minimise it as much as possible. My OH's grandparents both died fairly recently and it was so weird to me that none of his friends or colleagues went to the funerals. That would be seen as so rude and thoughtless where I'm from. Then once they die it seems like they're never mentioned again, when actually I think it's quite healthy to keep some happy memories alive.

BloodyDisgrace · 20/09/2018 11:02

I feel it would show society you are grieving and don't want to snap out of it?

whatever you might want to show society, the society will misinterpret because it's a thick bastard. Your mourning black can be seen as you being a moody goth for example.
yes, it's fine to do what you want to. It's fine for someone to misunderstand it, but it's not fine to be rude about it. And it;s not fine to expect others to be like you. I. for one, absolutely hate all black; it would make me even more depressed if I had to wear it as a sign of mourning. Funerals are bad enough; fuck black for the afterwards (for me).

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