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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should wear black for mourning for as long as we want?

141 replies

recklessruby · 20/09/2018 10:13

Just that really.
I have recently been reading about the practice of Victorian mourning and mourning clothes. They showed the world you were grieving and to be gentle with you.
These days I feel the mourning period is rushed and people expect you to feel better straight after the funeral drinks and tea.
I have been to funerals where people were wearing colours and it didn't feel right to me (unless it was the family s request).
So would you be ok with black clothes for some time after?
I feel it would show society you are grieving and don't want to snap out of it?
I want all black at my own funeral by the way.

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 20/09/2018 12:18

People have talked about death in terms of loss for centuries, I should think. It's not sanitisation. The recent upsurge in talk of 'passing' arguably is.

When FIL died, MIL was in black for a few weeks (went out to buy black clothes specifically), then progressed to monochrome, which she wore for a few months, then to 'colours but muted'. I hadn't been aware of that convention before (of gradually 'lightening'), but it seemed fitting, and helped her.

Mum2OneTeen · 20/09/2018 12:18

I'm with you on wanting black at my funeral too. It seems too me that we are to eager to carry on and resume normal life as though nothing has happened after a death.

I guess though, that each persons response to grief is individual though.

Womaningreen · 20/09/2018 12:19

Bees
that was me

to be clear, I was in touch with the colleague outside the office so I had talked to her in the week she was off.

but what she wanted was to walk into a full open plan office and have people say "sorry for your loss". I don't think anyone would take that risk.

I did say, going forward, that managers should perhaps ask the bereaved what their feelings are.

Also, that lady could have walked in and said "hi, I'm back after my dad's death and I'd like to talk about it". I think it's a bit much expecting an office full of people who don't even socialise, in our case, to launch themselves at you with condolences.

the only time we ever socialise is Xmas lunch and she and I don't even go to that! so it was a very unfair expectation, I thought.

BloodyDisgrace · 20/09/2018 12:20

In some countries funerals are rather brutal: a coffin is open, everyone has to kiss the deceased and, if that as a last image of the loved one wasn't enough, the bastards will take the photos of the dead and send to the grieving family!
I was very traumatised by my dad's and Grandma's funerals done in this way, and that on top of the loss. I'd love to avoid it all but sometimes you cannot and put others first, and just lump it.

English funerals with reading poems etc seem like a walk in a park in comparison, and have more dignity.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 20/09/2018 12:20

I don't really want black and sombreness at my funeral, but neither am I going to command everyone to come in their brightest clothes and have a riotous party. I'd like people to wear what they feel most themselves in, and do and be exactly what they feel, preferably together.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 20/09/2018 12:23

No I still disagree - it is not necessarily the case that she needs to want to talk about the loss, she could say nothing, but you need to (if it's someone you ordinarily work with/speak to) acknowledge what's happened by passing on condolences. All the bereaved person has to say is thanks, if they don't wish to say more. What you are suggesting she do is hard to imagine! You wouldn't do it in front of everyone as a kind of announcement, but when you are at their desk or at the coffee machine or whatever, you say it then. Of course this is my view with my own background, other people are brought up differently but I think it's as normal as asking "how are you?" when you meet someone. I haven't always handled this as well as I could but as I age (and experience more losses) I definitely think it's wrong to say nothing.

Frogletmamma · 20/09/2018 12:24

I wore a red coat with my black to my Grandmother's funeral. She was bright, she was glamorous, she always wore colour. Just felt like the right thing to do.

Original poster
recklessruby · 20/09/2018 12:24

beesandfrogsandfleas I have just turned 50.
Dp was in the class above me in sixth form

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 20/09/2018 12:24

It isn’t about being invited at all. It’s about the bereaved (who let’s face it are the important ones) saying “I’d love you to be there”.

That is effectively inviting. I'm Irish and have never had anyone say anything like that to me. In fact, it would seem a little odd as it's nearly expected that you will go and is certainly accepted that you can go.

I have been to many funerals. For the vast majority, I never met the deceased. That is perfectly normal here. I wouldn't necessarily go to a colleague's grandparent's funeral bit for a friend I definitely would. For a colleague's parent, I would either go to the funeral or, if I couldn't go, explain to them when they returned to work why I wasn't able to attend. I would also give them a sympathy card.

colouringinpro · 20/09/2018 12:26

I do wish there was a tradition of wearing a black armband or something. I'm grieving and I look rough and in some ways I'd find it easier to be out and about with something like a black armband on.

Womaningreen · 20/09/2018 12:26

Bees

fair enough. I thought she was being a bit harsh as I'm the only one she knows personally, plus there's a lot of hotdesking and people not being around. I struggle to remember the name of some of the people in our huge dept, especially if their days never overlap with mine.

so it would seem odd to go to someone I barely know, hardly see, and say "I'm sorry for your loss" at the water cooler. I'd be worried I was treading on personal territory for them.

in an office where people are close, I think it's very different.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 20/09/2018 12:28

People might not know someone was off work due to a funeral or bereavement as I know in my employment the bosses would not be allowed to state to others why someone is off.
It is down to the employee if they want their work colleagues to know and tell them or give permission for someone else to inform everyone.

theymademejoin · 20/09/2018 12:29

bit much expecting an office full of people who don't even socialise, in our case, to launch themselves at you with condolences.

Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" is hardly launching yourself at someone!

Would you congratulate a colleague in the birth of a child? If you would, how is this any different? You are acknowledging a major event in their life, one happy and one sad.

Tinkobell · 20/09/2018 12:30

The victorians liked mourning jewelry also ....macabre by modern tastes. My DC's had their first experience of grief (on a small scale really) back in Jan when our pet dog died. Much to our surprise, they wanted to go and see his body, hold it, stroke him and they also wanted to cut locks of hair which they have kept in envelopes. We've a new dog now, but DD17 still sleeps with the little tartan coat of the dog on her bed head - he was a westie.

Original poster
recklessruby · 20/09/2018 12:34

My friend and I are good friends out of work too. Sadly she heard the news df had died while at work.
Impulsively I gave her a hug and held her while she cried/took her away from everyone to the staff room.
She said later how grateful she was just for that.

OP posts:
Womaningreen · 20/09/2018 12:34

@theymademejoin

re "launch" - she actually said "no one has even given me a hug".

again, for an office who doesn't socialise, I just thought that was an interesting expectation.

the reason I mentioned this at all is that she really felt slighted, and badly treated, and I thought that was a bit unfair when people were trying to be normal to someone that they see maybe once a week and just nod hello to.

she had particular ire for the director of the dept. I didn't say anything but he probably just sees us all as worker bees, he certainly couldn't care less what any of us is going through.

theymademejoin · 20/09/2018 12:36

If people aren't told where it is, then how would they find out?

In Ireland, there is a notice in the paper, there is a dedicated website (rip.ie) that lists all funeral arrangements, and in many cases, you have, after the news, "The Death Notices on local radio FM".

Womaningreen · 20/09/2018 12:36

to be clear, I am happy to give all the hugs to anyone who wants them!

I just think it's a bit unfair to think that others will be the same. Everyone has different ways.

theymademejoin · 20/09/2018 12:39

@Womaningreen - re "launch" - she actually said "no one has even given me a hug".

I wouldn't give a hug to a colleague I wasn't close to but there is a middle ground. For me, not sympathing with a colleague, regardless of how close we are, would be rude and unfeeling. Different cultural norms, obviously.

prettybird · 20/09/2018 12:40

We wrote in the funeral notice for my mum, "Feel free to be colourful" so people were (including me Smile). We didn't want to tell people not to come in black, as some people then wouldn't have felt comfortable.

At other funerals I've been to, I've worn black with a bit of purple and dh has worn a purple tie (doesn't have a black tie) - unless we've been told in advance that the family would prefer people to be colourful.

Beingginger · 20/09/2018 12:40

When FIL died I couldn’t even tell you what people wore to the funeral, I don’t care either.

Original poster
recklessruby · 20/09/2018 12:40

Tbh I m not a huggy person but it felt right at the time as words would have been meaningless. I just had the urge to hold and protect her.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 20/09/2018 12:44

I'm sorry your partner died op, today must be a tough day for you Thanks

Tinkobell · 20/09/2018 12:44

Re: hugs.....surely this is just about reading the moment to the best of your ability and not leaving the grieving person left floundering isn't it?!

DistanceCall · 20/09/2018 12:46

"It's laughter through the tears. And it's healthy" but I think you have to be ready for it

Yes, of course. Losing your parent at a young age is devastating, and I can't imagine being able to laugh. I was just pointing out that it happens often, and that it's a good thing, not a form of disrespect.

Death is hard enough. People should be allowed to grieve how they wish and are able to, and this can take many, many forms.