To think we should wear black for mourning for as long as we want?

[recklessruby]

Just that really.
I have recently been reading about the practice of Victorian mourning and mourning clothes. They showed the world you were grieving and to be gentle with you.
These days I feel the mourning period is rushed and people expect you to feel better straight after the funeral drinks and tea.
I have been to funerals where people were wearing colours and it didn't feel right to me (unless it was the family s request).
So would you be ok with black clothes for some time after?
I feel it would show society you are grieving and don't want to snap out of it?
I want all black at my own funeral by the way.

As previous poster I've lost my husband recently And i Don't give two shits what I'm wearing post funeral. Currently sat wearing a hoodie watching loose women!

You think that wearing black would mean people would be gentle on you. Here's the reality of being young and loosing a husband. Post funeral even your nearest and dearest go back to their everyday lives. The people you see on a regular basis avoid you as they don't know what to say. The high flying colleagues at work who you think should be able to handle a grieving colleague have no idea what to say and it's left to you to walk in with your head held high and let them know actually I'm here to work so it's business as usual. When really your struggling to be in a room full of people. It's almost like you want to glamourise mourning, or like you have to show it off. If people took one look at me they'd know.

I've been even worn black to a family funeral, we just wear something smart. Let alone have a mourning period.

One of my grandmothers wore black for a year after my grandfather died. The other one didn't. Both were over 40 years ago so even then, things were changing.

Like a previous poster, I have never worn all black to a funeral. It would seem a bit "look at me" for a non-family member. For family members, I've worn something generally muted but it could have splashes of colour. I can't remember the last time I saw even family wearing all black at a funeral.

Like a previous poster, I have never worn all black to a funeral. It would seem a bit "look at me" for a non-family member.

Really? I'd have though all black at a funeral is the opposite of 'look at me'? I've never known anyone to wear anything but black to a funeral (or if they have I possibly haven't noticed). Maybe it's a regional thing 🤷🏼‍♀️

@kaytee87 - I'd have though all black at a funeral is the opposite of 'look at me'? I've never known anyone to wear anything but black to a funeral

I'm irish. All black is no longer usual for funerals here and hasn't been for a long time. But, as pp's have said, everyone and their mother goes to funerals in Ireland, particularly in more rural areas. My pil are constantly going up funerals.

I am originally from the north of Scotland and most people do wear black to funerals I have attended there.

I'm in Scotland too. I only go to funerals of people I knew quite well or maybe a relation of a close friend if they need my support on the day.

Kaytee87 that's like me. I would only go to close friends and family funerals.

My Mum wore a bright pink suit to Dad's funeral - she said she wanted to look nice for him. She was devastated by his death, but wearing black wasn't going to make any difference . Everyone knew she'd been widowed, she didn't need to wear black to show them. She looked lovely, like a beautiful flower in a sea of dull colours at the church.

I think people should grieve any which way they like. Wear what colours they like.

Does it mean, for instance, after a year of wearing black you are no longer grieving?

My son died aged 18. We asked people to wear colours at his funeral. He would have hated the formality of everyone wearing black.

I'd be wearing black for the rest of my life if that alone signified grief.

Personally I don't give a shit how others perceived me - I wore pink at my son's funeral, bright red at my mother's. My two great losses. I also buried my daughters who were stillborn - I actually can't even remember what I wore at their funeral.

Black is morbid for funerals. Its a celebration of life. Thankfully more and more people are wearing colours and anything else that celebrates a persons life. For example football tops etc.

Its great. I dont want black at my funeral. red is a lovely colour or people to wear sports tops as i love sport. As for saying you need to wear black for respect you can still respect them and celebate their life. Remember its a celebration of their life.

If I'm not sure on colour, I'll tend to wear purple/ black. Purple is also a traditional colour, but lighter than all black.

I've laughed at many funerals. I hope there are many laughs at mine, if I can't get to the end of my life without raising tearful smiles and laughs at the final celebration, I'll have been wasting my time since birth

For a close person, particularly if their death/ loss was untimely, you may never truely stop grieving. You learn to live with it, it may stop showing up on the radar much of the time, then other times be loud and clear like the anniversary OP is experiencing today.

There shouldn't be hard rules on grief because each one is so personal. If OP wants to wear black today, that's fine, just as it's fine not to. Black is such a popular, safe mainstream colour, it's a bit meaningless for intention (expect may be all black at a summer wedding!)

And for the record my son was only 18 when he died after two and a half years of hell. Yet we still managed to laugh with others as we told many stories. I cried throughout it too.

I don't think mourning clothes told the world to get gentle to you, it was a sign that you were being proper and respectful.

How long to wear black as a sign of mourning, or any other things you do, is not something with a fixed time line. The circumstances and age at the time of deceased's passing, and perhaps their wishes if they expressed them may have a bearing.

I feel that a funeral should be a celebration of a person's life, remembering all the good things they did, giving thanks, but that is not a view everyone holds, I realise.

I think it was Greek widows and perhaps Spanish too who wore black for the rest of their lives historically. I guess in rural villages it meant everyone knew you were mourning. In cosmopolitan cities however it would just go unnoticed I guess. I do agree that modern society, by that I mean employers, just expect you to be fine in a week or two and back to business. I know some people prefer to get back to routine after a loss but I've seen friends and colleagues struggle being back to work too soon out of necessity. I do think there's a general lack of compassion and understanding around grief and I think it's shocking that most employers only allow time off for immediate family when many people's nearest and dearest aren't necessarily blood relatives.