To think we should wear black for mourning for as long as we want?

[recklessruby]

Just that really.
I have recently been reading about the practice of Victorian mourning and mourning clothes. They showed the world you were grieving and to be gentle with you.
These days I feel the mourning period is rushed and people expect you to feel better straight after the funeral drinks and tea.
I have been to funerals where people were wearing colours and it didn't feel right to me (unless it was the family s request).
So would you be ok with black clothes for some time after?
I feel it would show society you are grieving and don't want to snap out of it?
I want all black at my own funeral by the way.

Also, there is a change of culture about public emotion. Since Diana, there is a wave of public expression of grief even for people you have never met. Some people are very public on Facebook. For me, grief is such a personal and private thing I don't want to share my feelings except with people very close to me. I certainly don't want anything on social media.

The nature of funerals is changing in the U.K. It’s now not unusual to have a cake and hire a photographer like a wedding or a christening

I wear black to funerals as for me it's showing respect. I'd find it odd to wear colours but would if asked to. I'd rather not offend people at what is already a difficult time.

The idea of someone enjoying the social aspect of a funeral makes me feel a bit ill.

In Catholic cultures there is usually a wake. My mother tells me that she has cried with laughter in wakes, remembering the deceased - including in her own mother's wake, and it made her feel better, because she was with other people who also knew and loved her Mum and could laugh about shared stories.

Part of the point of wakes (which often involve food) is to assert the continuity of life through death. It's laughter through the tears. And it's healthy.

Your friend's father died, he wasn't 'lost'. That's sanitisation right there.

She did lose him. He is gone from her life. She has lost his company, his support, his comfort, his conversation, his sense of humour. She has definitely lost him.

The idea of someone enjoying the social aspect of a funeral makes me feel a bit ill.

I didn’t mean to upset anyone. However there definitely is a positive aspect to the large funerals we have here.

My friend herself described the death of her father as a "loss ". I certainly wouldn't try to tell her how to phrase it.
Everyone copes the best they can really. For me that means acknowledgement in clothing and a time to myself.

Death should be spoken about more. My family know my requests, my wl and powers of attorney are up to date. I'm hopefully not shuffling off this mortal coil for at least 25 years but you never know.

I agree with you. Society does not respect grief. But I do not agree with dictating how someone should show that grief or that they should wear all black to a funeral. This is an individual choice.

I know your op isn’t about this. However, I wanted to share my thoughts. It is a real shame for you that you lost your partner so young. From what you’ve said, you have idealised and possibly fantasised the life you would have with your partner. In reality we don’t know what he would have been like 10 years down the line or in middle age and beyond. He may have been the most loving and wonderful person or perhaps he would have cheated on you, left you, become an alcoholic or somewhere in the middle.

Living long term with a partner is about loving them despite or even because of their idiosyncrasies, accepting there may be times, where you feel you no longer love them. Moving on, going forward, accepting eachother and knowing that will be bumps in the road and not quitting unless and until there is no hope.

You haven’t experienced this and if you are forever benchmarking any man, who crosses your path, I feel very sorry for the man. And for you. I know this may be hard to read or sound extremely unkind. It really isn’t meant that way at all.

I really think you should consider setting yourself free.

My mother tells me that she has cried with laughter in wakes, remembering the deceased

absolutely! Every funeral I’ve been to has involved a room roaring with laughter remembering something about the deceased. It’s not disrespectful.

@Jux I can assure you that it's a loss. I lost my father. When he died I lost the bond we had, the times we would have had together had he still been here, and I lost part of myself too, for good measure. It's a loss.

@CherryBlossom23
All black at a funeral is a very British thing
that's not true, In Poland it is the colour people wear for funeral

DistanceCall "It's laughter through the tears. And it's healthy"

but I think you have to be ready for it. Friends I lost in my 20s, I can only just laugh now. I do usually leave before a wake.

in terms of not talking about death - I think you talk as much as you are comfy with, and to people who are okay with you talking about it. I don't think we have a specific death culture in the UK. Everyone's an individual!

The idea of someone enjoying the social aspect of a funeral makes me feel a bit ill. Another reason I hate funerals.
Meh. Fair enough. But in some cultures....and my view isn't Irelands one of them it's a "mores the merrier" type view. At least if a death and funeral is well publicised grieving people are not ostracised as people don't know what to say to them. That happens a lot!

Cultures which are especially considerate to widows tend to be more traditional culturally and the wives do not work and stay are sahm. Orthodox Jewish women do not even attend the funeral. Generally widows are not expected to remarry. I don’t think this way of life is something we’d like to return to.
In Victorian times the rules regarding mourning were very strict but were restricted to the middle and upper classes because the working poor simply could not afford to observe them. Imagine the cost for a widow with several small children reduced to charring to support them and in danger of having to go into the Workhouse, having to outfit herself and children in black.

but I think you have to be ready for it. Friends I lost in my 20s, I can only just laugh now. I do usually leave before a wake.

And that’s your personal way of dealing with it. That doesn’t make others wrong for enjoying the stories of the deceased.

Thank you mummyoflittledragon you have made me well up but in a good way. You are not unkind
I realise I have been living my life in a Miss Havisham way (without the cobwebs and dirt or wearing a wedding dress for years)
And it's easy to idealise teenage love
Our ds is a lovely caring man of 30 now and I see traces of my dp in him. He loves his bikes just like his dad and I have learnt to let go and trust he will stay safe.

We had a great time at my dad's funeral. He was 81, hadn't suffered and went the way he desired. Lots of stories about him from people, great memories of his life.
Nobody crept around looking distraught. Lots of tears and laughter.

The idea of someone enjoying the social aspect of a funeral makes me feel a bit ill.

Again, a major cultural difference. I think it's partly to do with more funeral-going in some cultures -- you are more at ease at anything you go to a lot of (there are often posts on Mn about what to wear to a funeral and worries about how to know what to do at the service, which suggests the poster is attending their first ever funeral well into adulthood, which would be unheard of where I come from). Also, if there's a culture of going to support a friend or colleague when you didn't personally know the deceased, you won't only be going to funerals where you yourself are grieving personally.

And obviously, there's a difference between a horrible or unexpected death of a young person or a child, and a celebration of a life well lived, after a death that came in old age.

"That doesn’t make others wrong"

no, of course not. I was just explaining how I feel in order to show the panoply of feelings we get. So the OP thinking we need more of a mourning culture - that's open to views too.

Mainly I am thinking how I can protect myself as my mother is very ill and I haven't raised it with her but would like a totally private funeral. The idea of people wanting canapes and to chat about mum makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Bardwell "Again, a major cultural difference."

hmm, between which cultures? I've experienced all sorts of funerals.

I don't think it's cultural. I think it's personal. when someone dies I need privacy. I'm a private person generally.

the worst funerals by far have been the ones that relate to my parents' culture. Not because of the loss - in some cases I was only there to support my parents - but because of the "circus" element and squillions of people chatting.

but now I'm crossing into introvert territory, so I'll stop!

Recklessruby you must only be in your 50s - you are not fated to a Miss Haversham life!
This struck me from the first page I had one colleague who was upset about that, we sent her a card, but never mentioned her father passing when she returned to work while I do understand the poster worrying about, as she said, triggering her colleague, to me it it the height of bad manners to not pass on condolences - just a "sorry to hear about your (whoever)", it doesn't have to mean the person wants to talk about the loss, you are showing them that you know what happened and you acknowledge it. I found returning to work when my mother died very hard as it was largely ignored and I was in bits. After my father's death some years previously I got much more acknowledgement at work - different set of colleagues though.

Ever been to Greece and seen old women wearing nothing but black?

My next door neighbour is Greek Orthodox - her husband died about 25 years ago and she has worn black everyday since.

You are welcome. . I wasn’t sure how old you are so didn’t want to offend. But it sounds as if you’re probably about my age so been around a bit. I am glad you’re proud of your ds and see your dp in him. By the sound of it, it brings you solace. But you should want more for yourself and live for you too. It would perhaps even a relief for your ds for you to find someone special as knowing you feel this way may be difficult for him. Anyway. Just something to think about it. You’re a long time dead and all that!

At my husbands funeral he wanted the last song to be played to be a football anthem for the team he was a life long supporter of. He didn’t want the song as it was recorded by artists but as sung on the terraces by fans. We found it online for a game he was in attendance of so somewhere in the hundreds of voices would have been his.
We played this with everyone invited to sing along. He would have got a real kick out of hearing non team supporters singing “his anthem”
Not the least traditional but it was what he wanted and so I wanted it for him and his friends were respectful enough to fulfil his wishes.