to think the therapist was a bit judgey?

[Marie0]

Started to see a therapist last week due to my DS1 (he's 13) impulsive and destructive behaviour.

She has met with me and DH already (separately) and met with DS1 today.

As DH collected DS1 at the end of his session they had a bit of chit chat (DH and therapist) and it came up that we are going on holiday on Friday.

She frowned a little and clearly disapproved given DS's bad behaviour - but then quickly changed the subject and said goodbye.

DH is now cross as he felt she was judgemental. He didn't feel the need to justify himself and why indeed should he?

AIBU to think she maybe should have kept her feelings to herself?

She frowned a little and clearly disapproved given DS's bad behaviour

So she didn't actually say anything? Perhaps you are reading something that wasn't there into this?

I've already posted what she said

Your circumstances are clearly extremely difficult.

However, the therapist will see her job as trying to get your family, as a whole, to agree to boundaries that you all adhere to in order to teach your DS socially appropriate behavior. That does not include (in the long term) having days off school in term time for long weekend mini-breaks.

Of course families are entitled to holidays. But the actual holidays only ended 3 weeks ago! That was when you should have gone to centreparcs! I just don’t understand booking a term time holiday, especially when one child already misses so much school.

Yes in an ideal world we would all take our children on holiday within official school holidays - we weren’t able to this time around. I don’t think taking 1 day off has any great impact and the bigger picture is more important for us as a family right now.

I guess from your sons point of view it could be seen as cherry picking which school rules need to be followed , and which don’t.

He doesn’t have the adult capability to understand that the odd day off here and here “doesn’t matter”, kids think a bit more black and white. So I guess he could extrapolate that school rules / school doesn’t matter

Anyway. None of us is perfect, we Re all doing our best. Keep going and stay strong, I hope things improve x

I know, you said. That’s what’s worrying. It’s never just one day though, is it? If you think one day is fine, you’ll do it again, you’ve probably done it before, you’ll take two days at some point, because it’s only one one more than one day. The pervading message to your children will be that their education is optional.

I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree IfIWas

Sibs is a charity that supports those children and adults struggling who have disabled siblings. You might find them helpful.

Oh I know. I wasn’t trying to change your mind. Just saying what I think.

I don't think she was judging you because she thought your son doesn't deserve a holiday. She probably thought that it doesn't make much sense to go on holiday when you are starting an intense course of therapy. Or thinks that people shouldn't take holidays with children during the school year.

I'm still interested in why family members didn't get assessment sessions of equal duration and why the therapist was chatting to your husband outside the therapy room.

Speaks volumes when you say you do not think one day off school for a holiday is an issue. We have just had the Summer holidays, plenty of time for you to go away then. The school were happy for your son to start afresh the following week, does not read as they agreed with you going away, let alone knew.

Obviously I expect people to criticise and judge me for taking the boys out of school for a day - that’s fine as there is a much bigger picture and as I’ve stated I am happy with that decision. my op was about therapists response which DH felt was a bit judgey and thanks to replies we realise this is probably down to taking him out of school which we also understand- but feel she should have kept her obvious concern at this decision to herself.

I also am not clear on the sessions duration- this was set up as a referral from the missing persons team and it was a very casual X will call you to arrange some sessions. It is a charity which are running this therapy. I think my initial session was so short in comparison as my appt was towards the end of the day - about 3:30 I think it was and I remember her saying we’d have to ‘wrap it up’ as the building was being closed shortly- it was also a Friday so maybe an earlier than usual finish.

Also the chatting was just normal chit chat as DH collected him - how’s it going type of thing which resulted in the revelation of the holiday and day off school.

You keep alluding to a “much bigger picture”, op. Are you suggesting that there is an obvious reason for your son’s bad behaviour?
You certainly seem to think it’s understandable, and that will be apparent to him.
Which will impact on any measures put in place going forward.
I hope you’re letting the therapist in on the big picture, as he’ll be impossible to help otherwise

In that case the therapist should have planned the session better.
And no way should she be in a position to be chatting socially to clients on her caseload.
No clinical or professional boundaries seemingly.

We’ve all had 1 session so I think she’s getting to know us, I’m sure the bigger picture may take some time to unravel.

I don’t think she was unprofessional as she didn’t discuss anything confidential or about case loads - just normal friendly stuff you’d say to anyone you’d collect your child from such as - how’s your day etc

She hasn't given equal time in those first sessions. She hasn't planned properly.

No therapist seeing people in a professional setting should be chatting socially to those clients outside the counselling room and outside appointment times.

Well - she was highly recommended by the person who referred her so I’m not going to right her off just yet. Also we were ‘lucky’ she agreed to see us as a family as she normally only deals with adolescents aged 14 and above - but made an exception for us as DS is 13.

You use the word "Judge" as if that is a bad thing.
You don't think anyone should judge you but you of course can judge everyone else - is that the about the size of it?

As and aside I was in a queue at John Lewis once - with just one person left in front of me - and suddenly remembered I had forgotten wrapping paper for the present I was about to pay for. I made a frustrated Tut/sigh sort of sound to myself as I realised I'd have to queue up all over again - and the man in front of me turned around and screamed at me for "tutting" at his wife and how dare I etc. I was stunned. Babbled something about tutting to myself but he was having none of it! Screamed at me. I was so shocked - I just scurried away.
It is not always what you think.

No not really - that’s ‘not the size of it’ I haven’t judged anyone - was just surprised at her apparent disapproval-

Not sure how you’re John Lewis experienced is relevant but thanks for sharing

I hope you benefit from the sessions.
However the points I raised are basic and should be covered in diploma training. Counsellors should be working within those boundaries before they even achieve qualification.

Hopefully the sessions will benefit us, not really bothered about the chit chat thing, we just are keen to work with her to get appropriate strategies in place which will hopefully benefit us.

It is not always what you think.

Exactly this. You can't tell from a noise or a facial expression what anyone's thinking or feeling; people are all different.

Perhaps your DH is feeling sensitive around the whole counselling thing and misinterpreted the look. I doubt the counsellor thought much about it.