to think the therapist was a bit judgey?

[Marie0]

Started to see a therapist last week due to my DS1 (he's 13) impulsive and destructive behaviour.

She has met with me and DH already (separately) and met with DS1 today.

As DH collected DS1 at the end of his session they had a bit of chit chat (DH and therapist) and it came up that we are going on holiday on Friday.

She frowned a little and clearly disapproved given DS's bad behaviour - but then quickly changed the subject and said goodbye.

DH is now cross as he felt she was judgemental. He didn't feel the need to justify himself and why indeed should he?

AIBU to think she maybe should have kept her feelings to herself?

If he’s temporarily excluded I imagine she is wondering whether taking him on holiday is a good thing as it might seem like you’re rewarding him. But presumably you were going to take him anyway and the exclusion is more usual.

I also imagine that some parents who take their kids out in term time aren’t totally on board with school rules, which would be relevant to her therapy. I’m sure she’ll work out that’s not you though.

I’d be windering about a parent taking their child out of school when there are behavioural issues to the point that he’s been excluded - it sends a very mixed message at best to the child, especially if it delays their return to school following exclusion. I wonder if that’s what the frown was about.

Oh I see a load of cross posts about the exclusion thing!

yes conker - I think that's exactly what she thought, but the reality is is this holiday is about DS2 (he's 11). He absolutely adores Center Parcs. He has autism and he won't fly. We go at least once a year and I'm not kidding - it's like counting down to Christmas.

Apart from the fact it would be totally unfair on him, we couldn't leave DS1 at home because there's no one else to look after him.

If he's vile on holiday we'll just leave him to have a strop in the lodge - he's old enough to have a key card. He's not going to spoil things for me, DH and DS2 we'll just carry on and do what we want to do anyway.

Not sure about appropriate length of appointments? I saw her last week for about 40 minutes (but it was at the end of the day), she met with DH for just under 2 hours a few days later, and today she met with DS1 for about 2 hours.

Honestly, I don't think she frowned or said whatever she did in a judgmental way.

I would check the terms of exclusion with the school and make sure you have written permission that he can be on holiday for that day.

Risk of prosecution if child is found in public place
For the first 5 school days of an exclusion, it’s your responsibility to make sure your child isn’t in a public place during normal school hours unless there is a good reason. You might be prosecuted if your child is found in a public place when they’re not supposed to be

www.gov.uk/school-discipline-exclusions/exclusions

Thanks shawshanks

but at the meeting today it was verbally agreed (the friday off) with his head of year, head of behaviour and head of Additional Needs - so I think we'll be ok for not getting in trouble

She might have wondered how you are demonstrating that school is important to your son (ie he should behave and take it seriously) when you obviously don't take it seriously if you are happy to take him on holiday in term time.

So you booked a holiday during term time. Presumably to save money. Did you know that some people go many years without a holiday.

You have shown your priority is saving money/ having a holiday every year rather than providing stability to your troubled child. Stability in the form of following school rules about holidays the way millions of others manage to. Stability in knowing tat term time is term time and holiday is holiday.

Yes, some families can get away with bending the rules because it will have little impact. Your child is already in a very unusual position. Most people are never excluded. One would expect a parent to bend over backwards to get some stability. Instead you go the opposite direction with this holiday.

I would make a face too inadvertently. I would then frown thinking of how to use the information had just learned in my behavioural plan for your child.

I can guess there may well be some surprise that you are taking a child, who has been excluded from school for his behaviour, on holiday during an exclusion. It's not a great message to send.

However it may also be the best thing your DS needs right now; family support and love if he's finding things difficult (not to mention you!). It's just a pity the exclusion and the holiday are happening at the same time.

I would ask next time you have therapy you say "My DH felt you were not happy with us taking DS on holiday, as you questioned it. Can I ask why?" and then be open as to why she questioned it. She is after all there to help you and your DS and maybe you both exploring it together may help you both understand further why she reacted the way she did.

Shaws

Yes - agreed it’s not the best timing and maybe she got the wrong impression because we’re allowing the boys to miss a day.

I think also given our current circumstances which are at the moment pretty dismal I’m going to look at these few days as possible bonding to try and repair some of the damaged relationships within our family unit.

I don’t think we should mention it to her - I think by the next appointment it will all have been forgotten- I guess it’s not a big deal really and maybe DH read too much into it.

He’s just been allowed back after an exclusion and now you’re taking him out for a holiday? And it’s only mid September...
I’d judge too.

No he is delaying going back after his exclusion to accommodate the holiday!

Name change

Yes - so it’s all worked out in the end

I doubt she got the wrong impression, op. She’s probably getting the measure of how your parenting figures in your son’s problems.

Yes - so it’s all worked out in the end smile

I wouldn't say its 'worked out' and if this is your attitude to his exclusion its not surprising that your DS has an attitude problem.

IF she judged, I can see why tbh.

You’re sending a really poor message to your DS.

Maybe have a chat with the therapist about how to balance your other DC's needs with your oldest. It's clear that on the surface, a September holiday in term-time, when DS has been excluded is a terrible idea. So how can you meet the needs of your DC with autism while not giving DS the impression that school is optional and exclusions are fun.

marie i know parents can get desensitised to their children's behaviour when they are so used to it but honestly your son has been excluded in week three of term and is seeing a therapist and you are saying it all worked out? Do you realise why thats not great?

Gareth - sorry I think the ‘working out great thing’ maybe has been misinterpreted- I was referring specifically to the Friday off not causing any problems with school.

My sons behaviour is appalling- and has been for years - week 3 into term is no big surprise unfortunately. We are currently awaiting to see ed psych and CAHMS with possibility of ADHD, but as there is so much else going on within my family at the moment I think I was just trying to be positive and think maybe this break away will be good for the 4 of us.

Why bother taking your son to therapy when you're not going to bother teaching him how to change his behaviour?

You're basically teaching him that rules dont need to be followed and authority doesnt need to be respected - fuck it son, we want a holiday so lets not bother going into school like the other kids.

So no wonder he doesn't show respectful behaviour. You dont yourselves. Arr you hoping therapy is like a magic wand?

Nah I wouldn't reward shit behaviour with a holiday either.

Surely you will have had all Summer to working on any damage within your family unit? Neither child should be missing school to go on holiday and it is certainly not the way forward with a child who has been excluded. What kind of message are you giving him?

Bloody hell.
He’s excluded, and then gets an EXTRA day off at the end of his exclusion to go to Centerparcs???