to think the therapist was a bit judgey?

[Marie0]

Started to see a therapist last week due to my DS1 (he's 13) impulsive and destructive behaviour.

She has met with me and DH already (separately) and met with DS1 today.

As DH collected DS1 at the end of his session they had a bit of chit chat (DH and therapist) and it came up that we are going on holiday on Friday.

She frowned a little and clearly disapproved given DS's bad behaviour - but then quickly changed the subject and said goodbye.

DH is now cross as he felt she was judgemental. He didn't feel the need to justify himself and why indeed should he?

AIBU to think she maybe should have kept her feelings to herself?

Op
Obviously booking this weekend away wasnt a good idea, but that’s done now. What’s most important now is that you learn from it.

I think maybe this has gone off on a tangent- this is nothing to do with ‘rewarding poor behaviour’.

This holiday was booked in advance and it’s actually about my other son. DS2

We can’t leave him (DS1) at home on his own and no, I’m not willing to cancel a holiday that will have a very positive effect on my other son, and hopefully our family. There’s a lot going on - it’s much deeper than a few problems with behaviour.

With regards to the one day off school - actually no I don’t think it is a big deal and it was school who said they were more than happy for him to start back afresh on Monday. Probably because they get a bit more time off from dealing with him.

You’re wondering about the therapist’s reaction.

Many people here are also reacting less than positively to your choices. So maybe she did too.

It’s not a tangent. But you’ve clearly decided you know best here, so good luck to you.

Thank you cardigans

It’s not about me knowing best - it’s about me knowing my own circumstances - I am happy with my choices and I look forward to my next therapy appointment

I don't think taking your DS1 to Center Parcs gives the right message in view of the fact that he's been excluded. Okay, it's more for DS2, that's nit the point here. It's about the mixed message to DS1, that's why you had that reaction from the therapist, I think.

Lizzie Ok so what would you do?

As pp have said,
a) your husband may have misinterpreted it
b) her frown may be unrelated
c) she might wonder about taking him away when he's suspended and that this is rewarding him. Unintentional if it's pre booked, but unfortuneate.

Maybe mention it to her next time- snd ask it it relates? Parenting (and parenting advice) will be full of dilemmas/ judgements etc and it can be helpful to think through different ways of reacting and pros/ cons of each, to help you navigate options in future.

I wouldnt cancel the holiday now but assuming you have known he was misbehaving for a while i think most people are saying they wouldn't book it in the first place.

It's done now but maybe don't book a holiday in term time next year, he would be in year 10 anyway and doing his GCSEs so not appropriate to miss school anyway.

I agree with gareth. If exclusions are a regular occurrence then he’s already missing far to much school and he needs to be there every day he can be. Baffled as to why you would book a term time holiday at all tbh. You’re telling him school isn’t a priority.

I think having 1 day off during term time is ok. I don’t think this gives the wrong message - I think what matters more is the rest of the time in school and ensuring his life (and school life) goes as well as it possibly can.

With all respect -although I understand the importance people are placing on school (and of course it is important), there are much bigger things going on in his life which make an exclusion/ day off pale into insignificance.

Thank you all for your opinions they have been very helpful

I don't know, I do understand that it's tricky for you. Our 2 DDs (9 and 6) are adopted and DD1 has behavioural issues connected with Attachment Disorder and she demonstrates signs of autism. She has therapy due to start next month. (Thankfully, her behaviour so far hasn't exhibited itself at school, though it's escalating this year).

We've never taken our DDs out of school, and we wouldn't do that at all, so this particular dilemma wouldn't arise for us. But we have taken them on holidays and on treats, and yes, I can understand how it could be seen as rewarding bad behaviour. (DD1 has been violent towards me and DD2 in the past.)

I was simply suggesting a possible reason why your therapist might have questioned your decision. It doesn't necessarily mean that you've made the wrong decision, we don't know you, so it isn't our place to make a judgement.

I think having 1 day off during term time is ok.

Maybe but he hasn't had one day off has he? He's been excluded so has missed many days. An odd day off isn't a big deal for a child who's secure and otherwise gets on well at school. Your son doesn't, and this one day is showing him that actually, school isn't that important and rules don't matter.

Yes school is important and I wouldn't normally support a term time break but honestly, if you are into the absolute horror of trying to access CAMHS services/LA ed psych services via school/early exclusions of ASD/possible ADHD child then just go on your mini break and try and have some down time away from the awfulness that you are going through and are about to go through even more so.

If your son's behaviour has been appalling in school for several years then his needs are not being met. Has he got an EHCP? If not, apply for one yourself - speak to SOSSEN or IPSEA for advice, and I would really recommend IPSEA's foundation law course for parents. There were lots of examples raise by parents showing that their school or LA had unlawful policy for SEN students (basically to save money). A real eye opener!

Also read articles about illegal exclusions of SEN children - the government has just issued a paper on it due to a landmark SEN case: Judge Alison Rowley, sitting in the Upper Tribunal, said it was "repugnant" to consider such behaviour as "criminal or anti-social" when it is a result of a child's condition rather than a “choice".
1exagu1grkmq3k572418odoooym-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Upper-Tribunal-decision.pdf
www.ipsea.org.uk/news/mps-criticise-wild-west-system-of-exclusions
publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201719/cmselect/cmeduc/342/342.pdf

Enjoy your break and forget the therapist's comments.

Frigging - thank you so much for that very helpful post -

I feel you understand the absolute horror which is my life! And my other child who has the diagnosis of ASD is in comparison a dream child!

I will definitely read those links tomorrow when I get time 😀

Tbh if your son’s behaviour is so bad that es been excluded from school and needs family therapy then it is a bit odd that you’re rewarding him with a holiday and a day off school....

I’m just making assumptions without knowing the details, of course. Don’t take what I say personally.

I’m not rewarding him with a holiday and day off school as I clearly said in my earlier post

@Marie0 actually can’t believe (well actually I can) the judgements of people on this post. As a mum of high functioning ASD kids and one with ADHD (undx but he has it without a shadow of a doubt - school agree - fortunately he only causes low level problems and it affects his concentration mainly) I think you are doing ABSOLUTELY the right thing having the long weekend. Kids with ASD and with ADHD need holidays just like everyone else. Disregard the therapists judgement - remember at all times that YOU and your DH know your child best and YOU will decide what is best for both of your children and your family!! Have a great weekend and I wish you all the very best and hope that the excluded son finds his niche either at school or if school isn’t for him somewhere where he gets the support he deserves.

And I second everything that @FriggingMardyCow says too!!! Very well said!!!

HER OTHER CHILD IS ENTITLED TO MEMORIES TOO!!! dear god.... what do you think families with children who are troubled throughout their lives do? or severe asd,odd,adhd do? hmmm? treat everyone else inthe family as if theyre needs always fall behind that of said child ? what tone does that set then? its not that black and white.

staydazzling of course her other boy deserves the holiday but missing school in the 4th week of term in year 9 while not the end of the world for a child with excellent attendance is quite a big deal for a child who has missed /will probably miss chunks of the year through being excluded.

However I think people are going too fat in skme of these comments.

But I do think that might be what caused the problem with therapist.

Too far in some

I’d judge you too, appalling message your sending to your son. You may not be rewarding his behaviour but that’s how he could well see it. Ridiculous

Just to say that, regardless of what meaning it did or didn’t have, if you/your DH felt judged as a result of the therapist’s reaction, you should absolutely mention it to her when you meet again. Emotional honesty and openness are vital in a therapeutic relationship, and anything which could affect your ability to trust and be open to her would be an issue. If you’re feeling judged, that will affect your relationship with her, and she will definitely want to know and address that. It is definitely worth having a chat with her about it and getting it squared away.

It doesn't sound like she did anything wrong. I'd probably be a bit surprised if someone with severely bad behaviour was being taken on holiday

Why do people keep saying its rewarding your son for his issues,, it is not. Its good that you are having time away with your children no matter what. Parents, children, that's all that matters..
I wish you all the best, for whatever you have to deal with.