...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

I find it very irritating when people say that it's entirely up to the child to invite who they want. How can a child be expected to understand how hurtful it is to exclude others and make a reasoned judgement as to who should be invited?

@lagunabubbles
I don’t think it is a horrible message that their feelings don’t matter.
As adults I invite MIL’s bastard husband over even though I hate her, the same with my dickhead aunt. (Because having everyone over at Christmas except the ones you hate is rude)
I also hang out with the LD man and his wife from our village in the pub, we are dear to them they love seeing us, the same with the Russian migrant who lives alone and sends all his wages to his extended family.
Once a week we sit in Greggs and have coffee and cake with the big issue guy. He once told me after about 2/3 years that he looked forward to seeing us, and that he often contemplated suicide before he felt like he mattered.

Being kind and tolerant doesn’t have to come at the expense of your own happiness- on the contrary it can be quite rewarding.

Additionally:
AS HAS BEEN STATED MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT NOT ALL EXCLUDED CHILDREN ARE BULLYING OTHER KIDS

@chocatoo precisely

chocatoo Exactly. You let them invite who they want but within defined parameters - less than half or everyone for example. You do not collaborate with leaving out a couple of children.

I must be one of the worst mums going.I hate everything about parties.I fly into school to collect my 6 yr old and fly right out again.I don;t know any mums or dads cos I am way to busy to stand around gossiping at the school gates.My Yr 2 wants a party for her 7th birthday,fair enough,I have hired a hall and an entertainment package with food and party bags included ..its cost a lot,enough for it all to have to go on the old flexible friend.I have no clue who will be invited nor do I care! I will give her a pen and paper and tell her to write a list of who is coming then send out the invitations to listed people,,she knows them I don;t.I will then see whoever turns up at the party,look after them then send them home job done in my eyes.I often think with school gate politics and how the mums behave the party is more about them and their egos than the kids.My girl wants a party she is lucky enough to be getting one that is honestly the limit to my involvement,personally I will be glad when the 3 hrs of non stop enforced joviality is done! Its for her not for me and I cant be bothered with trying to juggle other peoples feelings and ideas its too much hassle.Invites go out to tristram from prudence ..party at xxxx 2 til 5 menu is xxxx hope to see you there...either they come or they don't! who the hell tristrum is though i have no clue and if rupert isnt on the list its just how it is dont know him either!!!

My son was not a bully in fact he was being bullied and the excluding was another form the bullying took

I find it very irritating when people say that it's entirely up to the child to invite who they want. How can a child be expected to understand how hurtful it is to exclude others and make a reasoned judgement as to who should be invited?

This. Absolutely. You cannot expect a child to understand the potential repercussions of their actions. And even if you don’t care about the feelings of others, it can have a negative impact on your own child if s/he causes a lot of hurt and upset to another, even if done inadvertently.

A comment from up thread: I do have a rule that it is my dc must invite anyone who's party they attend so I guess if you want to be invited to lots of parties then you have to continue with the whole class parties.

I've never considered an invitation my DC have received to a large/all class party to be reason to invite the host back to a party held for one of my DC. I think we've done our bit by RSVPing promptly, turning up on time, providing an appropriate present, my DC participating and behaving well. It's the invitations to the smaller groups which were more important, as they were usually an indication of a friendship formed.

The idea of expecting your child to spend their birthday party with people they don't like or get on well with, just because those children have SEN, is bizarre to me.
Invites should be genuinely extended, not about filling in slots for the sake of ticking the inclusivity box, even though your child doesn't actually like little Timmy, or Janie. It's a birthday party for your child, not a charity event.
That said, we don't do birthday parties with friends at all - we do family events instead. Much easier that way, especially for my HFA son, and what I was used to growing up. (And my kids have gotten a handful of invites each - currently ages 7 and 10.)

We always invited the whole class until the kids indicated otherwise. DD has had only girls for the last couple of years which has made it quite easy. DS1 has ASD and so invites his whole class as he can't tell me their names. He only gets a handful of invites back, but that's cool, our good friends do include him, and we distract him with other exciting things that he loves. The only time I have ever intervened was when a family friend's son who was also in DS class, teased him for days, by saying he wasn't invited. That was hard, DS was understandably upset and as a result, the adult friendship suffered because the other set of parents didn't even attempt to guide their son into a more thoughtful position.

I apply the same rules to all of our birthday parties. We do practice being kind about it, we make and share a cake or biscuits with the whole class on or around the actual birthday, and then we are considerate about who to then invite to the party.

Dd2 has complained to me about a certain child in her class giving her grief and throwing things at her. She asked me to ask the teacher to separate her and I did more than once until dd2 cane out and said oh I'm in x group now it's fine. If I tell her she has to invite him to her party she will be devastated.

Queen if that child is the only one from the whole class not invited, then it’s still cruel. You either invite the whole class or a smaller number from the class.

@LifeInPlastic is it? Should I force her to be with a kid she doesn't like and spoil things for her?

Obv course you shouldn’t leave one child out. What sort of lesson is that teaching your child? As I said previously my dd has asd and has been left out of two full class parties and she is devastated about it. My dds teacher said that it says more about the parents than the children when only one child is excluded.

Queen it’s a choice - you invite the WHOLE class or you invite a smaller number. You should never leave just one child out. While that child may behave poorly, you are deliberately excluding one child. You are the adult here. A decision to exclude one child is inherently nasty. School will also be aware of this. They’ll never say anything to you, but they’ll have your number as ‘that’ parent.

Penisbeakerismyfavethread

There's a difference between inviting someone for coffee for an hour and having to be with someone 5 days a week.

Would you spend your birthday with any of those people if you didn't have to?

@stayathomer

@greenmeercat but would you not just invite the children your child plays with in school and any other children that your child has been to their party?

She's only 4 though (turning 5) and although most of her class went to nursery together she can't really tell me with any clarity who she plays with and who she doesn't. Most of the parties she went to in nursery are whole class invites. I don't want to leave anyone out.

I find it very irritating when people say that it's entirely up to the child to invite who they want. How can a child be expected to understand how hurtful it is to exclude others and make a reasoned judgement as to who should be invited?

At school when the teacher asks kids to pair up or get into a group of 3, most kids will have a preference about who they'd like to be with. Those are the kids who might get invited.

At playtime, there will be people that consistently play together. They would possibly get an invite because they get along.

Do you as an adult invite your friends or other adults who may be lonely and marginalized? There are a lot of lonely people who would love an invitation.

I was forced to invite all the girls in my class to the last birthday party I had in primary school, in a new school after moving. The girls were for the most part absolute cows. They all got together and decided to get rid of their real gifts their parents have for me and instead all wrapped up shit from their homes to show me they didn't like me. I had to ask grateful for a Kylie minogue photo with a coffee stain on it, a pack of felt tips without lids all dried out, a baby nursery picture of an elephant, a broken ornament etc. They all thought it was hilarious. It was the worst birthday I ever had, they all refused to play party games and acted like they were all too bored or too good for anything my mum suggested we do. Just chatted together ignoring me. I wasn't allowed to go to my room to get away as I was the host. Ugh. I would never make my child do a whole.class party after that experience.

I completely agree that leaving out one or two children, especially when you, as a parent, know they've been left out of other parties, is horrible. Of course parties are about the birthday child having fun, but children take a message from every social situation they fine themselves it, and carry that on to their later lives. Is that a lesson you want to teach a child?

My son has SEN and part of what was lovely about him being in a specialist unit was that he had a few party invites each year. He's just moved into mainstream school and he's quite an exuberant specimen nowadays, so I think (hope) he's unlikely to fall under the radar. However, he's a bit of a quirky child magnet (and pretty quirky himself) and has a really broad friendship group, both in and out of school. I have to say that by far the most relaxed, funny and most enjoyable parties we've hosted have been entertaining this little raggle-taggle gang who get left off invite lists all the time. They include a friend from swimming with Down Syndrome, a little boy who came from Syria and a child who also has SEN growing up in foster care. To a man, they are fantastic party guests. In contrast, hosting the class from my daughter's girl's prep school is generally a pretty fraught affair.

What is the consequence of being 'that parent'? Will I get uninvited to the pta or something? Really humour me with an answer.

I'm not paying to entertain a child who upsets my child. You can't tell me what my choices are in this context.

Do you as an adult invite your friends or other adults who may be lonely and marginalized? There are a lot of lonely people who would love an invitation.

I woudl love to know what steps all the 'don't leave any child out' posters are taking to socially include adults in their community with social difficulties, marginalized people, people with SN and behavioral issues.

Adults don't like hanging out with other adults they don't like. See all the "can I go NC with SIL" posts.

Children don't like this either.

interestingly a child in DD.s class with downs syndrome was always invited to parties, the disruptive kids are never invited

I think much past reception then it’s less usual to have everyone. Deliberately excluding just one child is unkind but I suspect quite rare.

If it’s something like a pony party, a swimming party or similar then it’s
likely to be impossible to ask everyone and given restrictions, it seems sensible for children to invite those they play with the most. Most parents know who this is by the end of reception- even if it’s subject to change over time.

It’s good for children to decide who they like and why whilst not being overtly unkind. You don’t have to like everyone but neither should you be nasty to those you don’t count amongst your friends.

Sadly some (but not all) children with SEN will often be left out. Mine happily included one or two with special needs but also consciously excluded others who might have ruined their birthday by their behaviour. Not all children with SEN are pleasant company. Not all ‘can’t help it’. Some can be very naughty indeed. If they are violent or ‘meltdown’ in strange environments, why would you want to put them through it?.

Queen, I agree with you totally. There is no way that your child should be forced to spend their birthday with a bully. Why should she be terrified on her own birthday in her own home?? If more people took a stand like that, maybe kids who bully others would actually learn a lesson.
I have a totally different view if it is a child who is just a little bit different, has a disability or is really shy etc. These things aren't the child's fault, and other children need to be taught to accept differences and be kind.
However, if I'm having a party I wouldn't invite a neighbour who swears and shouts at me on the street, so why should Queen's child have to suffer the presence of a child who throws things at her?? Children need to learn that their behaviour has social consequences.