...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

I get that some people are cunty about things like this, but how are we supposed to know who has been invited to which parties and when? I'm not aware of how many parties such and such a child has been to, so unless the whole class is invited (and hell will freeze over before that happens) we will inevitably leave someone out who has also been left out of some other party. I'll never force my child to invite someone they don't connect with just for the sake of it, and if I say the limit is 6 or 8 or whatever, that's what it will be.

If I was having a birthday party, I would invite people who I genuinely wanted to be there. Why should kids be forced to invite those they don't play with just to be fair?

We never did whole class parties, but my daughter always invited her favourite people and that included 2 with SEN. At her school, I would say all the kids were very inclusive.

Thanks guys I did feel a bit harsh after my last post. I work full time so I only hear about kids who upset mine. Kids in their school who have additional needs are unlikely to be discussed at home unless as I say they upset the girls.

I did encourage dd1 to include a child few years back who is appears to be experiencing some adversity (not describing as may be identifying). Dd1 was very against it 'but I don't play with her mummy' I didn't see that I could do anymore but that weighed heavy for a long time.

Tolerance abs inclusion is complicated. We have a family friend who is 12 who has some challenging behaviour. Dds have grown up with this child and are really quite protective but they have always known that child. I don't think they would accept a stranger with that behaviour.

Personally, by the time I have attended 30 whole class parties in reception I really never want to set foot in a soft play ever again. It seems like there is a party every weekend and sometimes two or three. It’s exhausting and expensive when you factor in travel and a birthday present.

It is hard to feel left out but it is a little life lesson that kids must learn to cope with and parents must learn not take it personally. There will be lots more stuff like this all the way up and through high school. I have always explained to my DCs the reasons why they might not have been invited - they might not play very much with the birthday child, the cost of the event, size of the venue etc. This is of course aside from kids who are deliberately and constantly left out out all the time.

I wouldn't have known all the kids names in the class and we weren't allowed a list from school due to confidentiality, so relied on the kids telling us who they wanted to invite. So more than likely we missed kids out but not on purpose. Are you sure this isn't happening, rather than parents intentionally excluding kids?

CAAKE I don't know about OP but surely decency says that you don't leave out a minority of the class or a minority of a certain group (e.g. the girls or if your child has 6 good friends don't invite only 5). I don't think you're expected to keep track of who was invited where but when only a minority are left out it tends to be the same minority every time.

Haven't read all the replies but yabu. You don't know peoples circumstances. My children are having a joint birthday party soon. My eldest (will be turning 6) is allowed 10 invites, its already grown as I've said its fine to bring siblings (this equates to an extra 5 children) as I know myself how hard it can be to get a sitter and its a hall type party so I feel it won't massively impact cost. Youngest is in preschool so is inviting 5 from there and 5 from a regular playgroup we attend....so that's already 25 kids if they all come. Then there's the 20 cousins that I'll be inviting, this is a must, we are a close family and I can't then leave the cousins from dhs side. So all together that's 45 children. I think its more than reasonable to have a limit on the school friends thanks.

Dd1 has actually only 'chosen' 3 specific children, the others we have invited based on the fact they invited her to their parties last year. I think its only fair to return the invite.

Just to add, I think its awful children are being excluded due to SEN, that's plain cruel. One of the boys coming to dds party has SEN and he's a very good friend of dd. I will admit though to not inviting one particular child as her mother let's the child do what she wants with absolutely no consequences, sits and chats while on one occasion her child knocked the birthday cake at a party over. I won't be inviting said child to any party of my children's and the mother and father are to blame for that.

Not RTFT but I don't think parents' realise that one child gets left out every time, how could they know? They invite their child's friends, let's say 8-10 in a class of 20. Let's assume all other parents do the same. No one realises that for example one particular child has not been included in anyone's list of 8-10 friends.

I'd hate to think that a child never got an invite to a birthday but equally I wouldn't actually be aware that said child doesn't appear in anyone's group of friends. If I was aware, I'd insist that the child that no one else invites, be invited.

harshbuttrue1980

I agree when it comes to genuine bullying BUT when we're talking about reception and Y1 I think genuine bullying is fairly rare. Fortunately mine doesn't like rough playing so hasn't been accused of anything so far but there are quite a few different children who have been accused of being bullies when actually it's usually just 6 of one half a dozen of the other. Or in some cases people thinking their children are going to be somehow sullied being around the more rambunctious children (usually the younger boys who are less mature).

My daughter rarely gets invited (suspected asd, if that makes a difference). Reception was heartbreaking - she couldn't understand why she couldn't go to the parties all her friends were going to. I'll never forget the day we got a leaflet through the door about a church garden party. She asked me what the leaflet, and I said it was for a party at the local church. She gasped and said "I can't believe it! I got an invitation to a party!". Broke my fucking heart.

She's in year 2, and has probably had less than half a dozen party invites in her whole life.

We had 2 full class parties for DDs 4th and 5th birthday and I was delighted this year when she said she just wanted a few friends - a few from each class, her cousins and a few friends from different schools. In total about 12 and they are all her favourite people.

The big parties really stressed her out and it would take her a while to calm down afterwards and I’m glad we’re coming to the age where they get smaller and more meaningful. One of the mums said she was happy we were setting the precendent.

I can see it would seem mean when the same kids get left out time and again.

Precedent!

@Areyoufree oh that's so sad

This is why I don't want to leave anyone out. Am hoping my DD is inclusive when she settles in her friendship group.

As a mum to pre school children this thread makes interesting reason.

I cannot imagine a party for the whole class and certainly wouldn't be doing this myself.

Isn't it all abit keeping up with the Jones's?

Can't imagine anything worse to be honest - nothing wrong with parties / celebrations being kept to smaller more intimate groups and I wouldn't care what other parents thought.

The reality is in real life you won't get on- people get left out - life isn't always fair and whilst of course as a parent you want to protect your child I am not going to get upset if my child isn't invited to a party.

I think DS was in year 3 before he got invited to a party. Heart breaking. Nothing we can do about it.

My ds is autistic and very rarely gets invited to parties so I get it but I still don't think whole class parties are the way forward - for a start they are expensive. I let my dcs choose what they want to do for their party and then depending on how much it costs I will tell them how many friends they can invite, it's usually around 12. As this is fewer than half the class I think that's reasonable and we don't give the invitations out in front of others so as to minimise any feelings of being excluded. This seems to be the norm in their school and I've not heard of any issue with it.

I don't think many parents have the stamina for all class parties beyond year 1. Also my two hate them both going and having - they detest loud out of control environments. Are we really obliged to hold massive events in case a child feels left out despite the host parents and the birthday child not enjoying them? Thats a big ask.

We invite 8-10 across 2 classes so the majority are "left out". The idea of asking the teacher which children dont get many invites is a good one.

Thats said after year 3 or so mine were very clear who they wanted to invite and who not. The days of merrily inviting friends kids of same age doesn't wash when they not tiny any more.

serbska
It’s like inviting eveyone in my work to my party barr one arsehoke

So I just invite one or two people I am really close to

Wanted to add that I am very grateful to have read this thread especially for the responses from the parents' with children with additional needs. My DC is in Reception so I'm new to all of this and we are doing an all class party this year. But for next year, I've made a note of how not to leave people out (love PeachGreen's mum's approach, will 100% be doing that), and asking either less than half of the children or all of them.

I agree with those saying not to invite the 'bully', if they have consistently shown bad behaviour/violence and particularly to your dc or their friends.
1 other parents wont choose to be responsible for their behaviour at a party they are supervising
2 inviting them is teaching them they can behave nastily and still get invited to stuff. Hence possibly not changing their behaviour.

Dd is impulsive and misbehaves and I frequently tell her she wont get invited to things etc.

Of course people will have more compliant kids to their house etc.

Some kids are probably happy to play alone at school when the play is not to their taste. Or just dont gel with the kids in their year. After all at secondary i had 3 close friends out of about 80 kids. So finding someone out of 30/60 is a task. Plus some kids will be developmentally far ahead/behind others.
It seems frequently the parents construct kids friendships.

I don't see as being excluded. The birthday child is just inviting the people they're friends with.

I'd never force my DD to invite a child she doesn't like to her party. It's not fair on anyone.

@Penisbeakerismyfavethread
Is that a mainstream state school?

I have to say I don't recall any classroom discussions about children diagnoses, these are on a need to know basis only, not shared in the classroom with pupils. So for the examples you give we wouldn't say what those children have but we would say because S needs extra help or J finds loud sounds hurt his ears. We do talk to the SEN kids about their needs, what it is to be autistic, their feelings etc, but away from mainstream as part of their support.

Our SENCO does run sessions for parents, she does do assemblies, we do celebrations in school but is in a general sense rather than pointing out the children that have these diagnoses.

My DS isn’t a bully or unkind or unlikeable. But his peers don’t invite him to parties because

• he gets in their personal space, flaps his hands in their faces, stands to close , falls into them because his dyspraxia means that he has less control/awareness of his body
• he can’t keep up with their conversations or get the right words out in the right order and be funny or clever enough to makes friends, because his dyspraxia means he can’t process information, formulate words and manœuvre them out of his mouth quick enough
• he breaks rules of games because he doesn’t understand them quickly enough and his peers don’t wait and explain over and over
• he gets left behind because his dyspraxia means he can’t run fast enough. Can’t catch. Can’t ride a bike. Can’t dance. Can’t climb . Can’t balance
• he’s always got a chin wet with drool because his dyspraxia means he can’t control his muscle in his mouth. His hands are often wet too from still sucking his thumb and wiping his chin. That tend to disgust kids
• he gets very angry, upset and agressive very easily because of all the dissapontment of being left out, pain of failing over/injuring himself and exhaustion of having to work so much harder than everyone else all the time.

For all these reason kids exclude him. They prefer to play without him. They don’t ask him to play dates and parties.

Even the 12 kids we invited to his party don’t invite him back.

And he’s normal intelligence and understands.

I think the kids parents are utter bastards.

I appreciate its tough and really crap if your child is frequently not invited. Mine are not invited to some but don't care as they have their friendship groups. But there has to be a better way to address unintentional exclusion than everyone having to have hideous all class parties for ever more