...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

Sad but I guess they just don't want to take any risks with their child's special occasion and they think a child with SEN might ruin it.

I have never had a class party because I don't know any adults who can help supervise the party. I'm not saying that children with SEN will need extra supervision, it's that my kids could easily fill those spaces with friends they play with in and out of school.

Oh @peachgreen how lovely. Stealing that idea

totally love your mum's idea peach green x

Two DS with autism here.

Eldest just started reception - not holding my breath for any invites! If we do get any it will be a lovely surprise. None at nursery. Luckily my friends include him as he loves parties!

Youngest just got an invitation to a nursery party - could have knocked me down with a feather. I have been hardened to it but tbh it's the least of my problems 😂

Yeah she's a good'un. She also manipulated the party games for as long as she could get away with so that the kids from more difficult backgrounds etc won the best prizes (and I didn't win anything, haha!). She was brought up in a very strict religious sect so wasn't allowed to have or go to birthday parties so I think she understood what it's like to be the child who gets left out. It annoyed me a bit at the time (because I had to have people at my party I didn't really want) but I'm so grateful she did it now, and will be doing something similar with my daughter. Easier nowadays I think as SEN is more openly acknowledged (quite rightly).

Mum of kids with SEN too. We get invited to parties for kids we know outside of school. In school, not so much. A couple of children always invite, and that’s lovely, but even teachers have been horrified at treatment of my children by the parents of their good friends excluding them. As they always tell us, it says more about them than us, but it still hurts when my kids realise they’ve been excluded.

@peachgreen how lovely is your mum!

Always had class parties n then boy only n girl only. Kids age 11 n 9 now. Left up to them they'd exclude a couple but only 9 boys n 11 girls in respective classes & there's no bullying or that. I just say to them how would you feel not being invited to xyz. Hate to see anyone left out :(

Digggers "but you should get involved! and teach your children how to be kind and inclusive."

When?

DH and I tag team 9-10 hour work days, I start early and finish early, he starts late and finishes late. We both have a commute.

DS2 goes to before and after school club. We have a DS1 at high school.

I am probably more across who DS1's mates are now they are teenagers and want lifts to places.

Not every mother is involved in school life, there are no school gate conversations or playdates with school mates. We have friends with kids the same ages and they hang out with them when we see them, a couple of them go to the same school but mostly not. There are also a LOT of cousins.

If DS2's teacher needs something from me, she texts. We do our fair share of supporting the school financially and have done a couple of excursions (again for DS2's benefit - still couldn't name any of the kids).

My boys are both happy, relaxed children, I have had no complaints about their behaviour nor noticed anything that I would consider excluding or bullying in their interactions with other kids. Who they want to be friends with is their business.

My kids are at school, I am not.

Haven’t RTFT but I hate this. My dd is 5 and has asd and so far this year hasn’t been invited to one party. At the weekend there was a party that every child in the class had been invited to but her and today the invitations went out for another child’s full class party and she was excluded again. It absolutely breaks my heart when she comes out and tells me and asks why she hasn’t got an invite.

These threads always break my heart. To not be invited to any parties is awful, but to not have any (or many) come to yours is almost worse.

It says a lot more about the parents then the children.

I always thought that if you went someone's party then you invited them to yours. I'm shocked that children would come to a party and then not invite back.

I did a similar thing to a pp and invited the "nasty" boy that ds1 was not friends with (a bit of a bully) to his party when he was little - and I admit that I did it because I wanted to get the boy on side, and get to know his mum a bit better, and hopefully make the whole situation better. I also had him over for a play date. The teacher actually took me aside to comment on it as he was never invited anywhere.
But it helped because he wasn't "other" any more, and while he and ds1 never became friends, he did leave ds alone (he was something of a bully to other kids). They ended up being completely fine with each other.

This has reminded me that ds has a boy in his secondary school class who he dislikes because the boy teases him a lot and is generally unpleasant. I realise you can't be friends with everyone, but I'm now wondering whether we wouldn't be able to do something good here too.

I guess your DD is your oldest. I started inviting the whole class - and I have twins so that was 60 children at two parties. After doing this three years in a row for the same reasons you suggest i.e. not leaving anyone out...I realised after the 3rd year - it was crazy to invite children who my children weren't friends with just because it was supposedly the right thing to do. By the fourth year, those children who had been badly behaved at all previous parties and weren't friends with my children were off the lists. These children had been so aggressive or so badly behaved they had affected the enjoyment of the parties for the other children...I couldn't justify inviting them again just so they didn't feel left out. And then you get to the point where your child actively does not like a child or has indeed been bullied by them...and asking your child to still invite them to their party regardless...sends a message to your child that if someone treats you badly...you need to pretend its all ok and invite them to your birthday celebration so that the other child doesn't feel left out. To do this you are basically saying to your child that the other child's feelings are more important than their own? Parties for young children are a minefield - I decided to take the view that I encourage my children to spend their time with other children who are kind to them and who they like. That said - to avoid children feeling left out - I always email birthday invites out to parents rather than have my children hand them out in school.

@Penisbeakerismyfavethread I really empathise with what your saying. I'm not disagreeing I'm just not sure what the answer is. I'm a cp sw I'm fully aware of the plight of 'that kid' through in that demographic parties are less common anyway.

I can't make my dds social engineers though. They are 5 and 8. Dd2 is like and soul and is friends with half the school! Dd1 is more chilled but at 8 has a very established group of friends I really appreciate.

This is a bit like school selection though. I don't agree that some kids have better opportunities with schools it's not right. But I moved into an area because it has good schools - because my kid isn't a guinea pig. I can only do my best for my dds.

However I did make a huge effort with friends for the dds when they were little. I'm not that parent who says play dates are too much hassle I organise them frequently. I make an effort with other school parents. Horses for course I know but you have to try a bit sometimes

There's a big difference imo between inviting half the class or 5 children and inviting 16 out of 18 of the girls or boys.

We've also had the situation where no one has come to dcs parties and also a situation where a Mum booked her party last minute for the same day as my child and various children decided to go to the more popular child's party.

@Dorkdiary that's so rude and just horrid. We had a few party clashes last year. Dd2 would chop and change if I let her but once we have confirmed we are going we are going unless she's puking or something.

I can't invite all 44!! So I have to choose her side of the class only

@greenmeercat but would you not just invite the children your child plays with in school and any other children that your child has been to their party?

My son is in kindergarten, so first year at school, I feel strongly that he should invite the whole class especially at this age. He was quite upset and insistent that there were a few people he didn't want to come, we discussed this at length for more than a week, he did eventually agree that it was kind to invite all.

I was thinking next year we might get away with a smaller birthday with him choosing the friends he wants to come.

Friendship groups will be more established, and it's pretty expensive catering for 30+ kids even if you are doing it cheaply....

I think you need to stop worrying about others and assume nobody is being mean, just have different ideas than you

I will never understand why people force their children to have children that they aren't friends with or even don't like at their birthday parties! I wouldn't invite literally everyone I knew to my party, so why would I force my child to do this? Parties are meant to be fun and enjoyable, not awkward and unpleasant which they could become with a bunch of people there who aren't in the friendship group or who may even be bullies.

My DD has just started reception. I couldn't do a whole class invite for 30 kids as we already had about 15 to invite from family and friends outside school, so I asked my DD for some names of children she had been playing with in the last 2 weeks....so out of 2 classes of 30 for reception she has about 20 coming across the 2 classes. I said 35 max.
Couldn't see any other way of doing it. She plays with boys as well as girls so didn't want to do a girls only thing.
Next year when they are more established in friendship groups it will be easier.

This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend*

This is normal.

It's fine to invite the whole class, it is also fine to just invite a handful of people. "Less than half the class OR everyone" is the general rule.

It's not OK to invite most of the class and leave out a few people, but from your post it does not sound like that is what is happening.

Not everyone can afford to have massive parties or wants the hassle. I also could not cope with having 30 parties to attend throughout the year.

OP you can't expect everyone to follow your values. I agree that year 1 seems small to stop inviting either the whole class or all the girls but that's just not the norm for everyone.

I only gave one whole class party and one "all girls" party for my DD because that's all I could afford.

And for those who are inviting 8-10 kids and still having "posh" parties....well that's THEIR choice.

It still costs more to have a party with more kids involved. Fully their choice.

I would also agree that the rule is less than half or everyone. Not 22 out of 24.

My DS is in a class of roughly 24 each year. Say 1/3 have parties (It's possibly more but I am being conservative... particularly when they were younger). In 6 years that is approx 7 parties a year, or 42 parties. DS has been invited as I said earlier to 2 parties over the years.... not 2 parties this year, but 2 parties since he was aged 3. I have given 6 all-class parties in that time, then gave up. I have spent loads, it is true, but the last party we did was at the park and I got sandwich platters from the supermarket and bulked it up with fruit and crisps.

It is also the lack of reciprocal invites that irritates me. But, if a child is having a party and 5 of his special friends are invited that is one thing. It is when it is basically the whole class or ALL the boys except Ds that it is obvious.

I think people with children who are 'unpopular' or who have SEN are asking for others to be a little considerate, that's all.

Genuinely surprised at some of these comments. We had all class parties for 2 years and then smaller groups. DD is not one for the lime light but seems to get on with everyone so got invited to about half. The 2 children with SEN in her class get invited to most as they are 2 of the most popular children. The kids really don't differentiate so I wonder how much is driven from the parents?

DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'

I would never force any of my children to invite someone they didnt want to their party, I think that sends an awful message to your own child that their feelings don't matter. This is especially true when someone has bullied your child. Only on MN do I see that the bullies feelings matter more than the victims to some people.

I held one all class party and on other occasions just had a couple of my son’s friends over. My son was not invited to an all class party as the birthday girl said he always punched her. The mother told me this ahead of the party and I expressed surprise but said I’d speak to my son. My son denied ever hurting this girl, or anyone and I believed him. A few weeks later the mother apologised, no punching had taken place, the girl was unhappy that my son had a friendship with another girl and was jealous so lied to get him into trouble. This was in reception year. Never realised little kids could be devious.