...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

Ds' class was a proper party class- 3 years of the bloody things. Then just boys, then barely anything. Ds has about 4 consistent mates and another 3 floating. Thebother 7 rent really on his radar. He tends to be invited to things by them and so I'm guessing there are lots of other things he's not invited to. I've never heard.him.complain though.

"If we have a mutual friend and the two of us decide, for whatever reason, to do something together and not ask you along, we wouldn't spend the week before and the week after discussing it in your earshot."

Maybe not, though I do know an adult who'll discuss parties not everyone present is invited to in front of those people. The mutual friend would probably find out via Facebook these days though. What happens to me a lot is "Are you going on Friday?" "No, not invited" "Oh sorry, thought everyone was".
I understand that not everyone is friends with everyone though and that's a lesson for children as well.

Another one here with a child with SEN (Autism). Two of his friends have always invited him to their birthday party so he has been to parties - but not a single playdate or party from anyone else despite big class parties etc from us - as other posters have described.

Sad but I guess they just don't want to take any risks with their child's special occasion and they think a child with SEN might ruin it.

Surely the norm is to invite the kids your child plays with? I'd never think of it as being something to do with money-more having to be responsible for a large number of kids. Though yes if only one or two are being left out if the parents had any cop on they'd invite them too

My children were given a number of children they were allowed to invite and they chose who. I couldn't have invited the whole class, they are twins so it started off 9 kids each and has gradually got small we as they got older. Approximately four of the children would have been out of school friends.

"When I worked in HR, repeated exclusion from these kinds of events was listed as one of the indicators of bullying. "

Surely that's only if everyone else is going and one person is excluded. No way could a HR force me to spend my lunchtime or after work time with someone I didn't like. If I'm not being paid, I choose who I spend time with.

@queenofthedrivensnow

There no one the dds have wanted to exclude that I recall just priority friends

The sad truth / fundamental problem is that there are poor little loves who are no one’s priority friend.

So it’s fine if you’re not going to sally’s Party or Josh’s or Oscar’s or Tyler’s or Hollie’s because you’re going to Esmé’s and Aoifé’s and Johnnie’s and Zach’s. But what about when you’re not going to anyone’s and people don’t want to come to yours. It might not be deliberate but god I cannot imagine how upsetting that must be.

I’m not having a go, but as a teacher working in a 3-18 setting I watch this kind of thing a lot, and it’s not just about birthday parties, honestly the isolated and left our kids quite regularly progress into the self harming kids, the kids who steal off their parents and try and give £20 notes to their peers at 11 to try and buy friends, the kids that attempt suicide because they firmly believe they are in the way. It’s our duty to create children who are part of well rounded communities and playing a part in an inadvertent lack of inclusion at 5 transfers to active exclusion by 8 or 9 and worse by 11/12+ isn’t creating the culture of kindness we all need. Any child could be excluded for a reason that’s no fault of there own, and I’m sure most of the children who never invite child x back after he’s invited them to his party five years in a row would be gutted if they were treated the same way. Most small children are tolerant kind and understanding explaining this kind of stuff isn’t hard.

YABU

Some parents do not want the hassle/headache of the whole class parties.

After a year...they will have formed friendship groups and can express just a few kids.

Some kids also don't like the noise of the full class at their party.

@Holidaybore

Not all SEN kids will have classroom help, only ones that get funding. SEN kids are not identified just by looking at them as I'm sure you know. For many its social interaction that is tricky, but how are 5/6 yr olds supposed to know who is SEN? Kids at that age are still very much learning social interaction without having to think whether the child they are trying to play with is SEN.

I work in a mainstream school, with kids with a SEN diagnosis, and kids that struggle that don't have a SEN diagnosis (but may have one at a later date or may have SEMH issues). I've seen some of these kids flip tables, kick and hit other pupils, be quite cruel to others and not understand what they are doing is cruel, even after talking it through. It's really hard being a NT kid and navigating friendships, learning how to interact, it's even harder to wrap your head around SEN kids behaviour when you're just 6 years old yourself. All you'll feel as a 6yr old when you get hit and kicked is that it hurts and you're scared, not that the child that did it has SEN and was struggling that day with a timetable change.

It's hard for SEN kids, as I said earlier my own child is currently going through assessment and has experienced a lot of exclusion by fellow pupils, but I wouldn't force others to be friends with her, because it's not genuine. I guess the question then is, how do you ensure kids with SEN develop genuine friendships?

@ewitsahooman I’m furious on behalf of your poor DS - I hope very strong words were had with that entertainer and that an apology was given - absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I would’ve probably plastered negative reviews all over the internet

well said Penis Beaker

@Penisbeakerismyfavethread

How much discussion about SEN (and SEMH) inclusion does your school do with both children and parents? Is it via PHSE; assemblies; newsletters etc?

By the way for the parents of SN children, I have two children who weren't lucky in the people in their class and so get on well with everyone but no one if you know what I mean. As a result neither have been to parties even though they've had others to theirs and any play dates have been wrangled by me and have ended with kids playing in different rooms! My heart goes out to you but it's luck of the draw sometimes that they find someone they click with whether SN or not

I loathe single sex parties.

I don't have an issue with it. In primary school one boy had a party at GOALS and my DD and another girl were the only girls invited.

They didn't enjoy it. Thet don't play football just stayed on the sidelines....not taking part. Especially with the boys being rough.

I don't really know why he invited them tbh.

FWIW...I wouldn't invite a boy to a fairy party either.

The mum of the birthday child had strong words with him at the end of the show, as did I, and he shurgged it off as "having a laugh". DD has never been to a party where he was the entertainer and, kids parties being kids parties, you tend to get the same dozen or so in rotation which makes me think he's not getting so many bookings these days.

I'm having this dilemma at the moment organising DDs party. She is in Reception and her class is split into two classes of 22. I have catering for up to 30 kids so was going to invite her whole class (plus family and friends' kids). However, I have since discovered that the classes do a lot of things together and share one large room and I can't invite all 44!! So I have to choose her side of the class only.

Re SN, I would never intentionally leave anyone out because they have SN. How awful that people do this. There is a girl in DDs class with Down's Syndrome and she seems to really gel with her, but she would be invited regardless!

I could count on one hand the number of parties my ASD dd got invited to when she was at primary school. That was despite me being a SAHM and being friendly with the other mums. The only ones she did get invited to were the children of my closest friends but then the boys started having boy only parties. In contrast, my youngest ds gets invited to a reasonable amount despite me working and not really knowing the other mums. He's just more popular I guess. Middle child did at least get some invites. It's bloody heartbreaking tbh. And no DD was not badly behaved or a bully by any stretch of the imagination. Just socially awkward.

I have to add, from the perspective of someone who works in a school, kids can be vile to each other about who is and is not invited to their parties. Not always, but it does happen. It's the parents' responsibility to ensure that when they are making their choices they are doing so kindly, and they understand not to be mean to those not invited. Of course, staff deal with it when they are aware, but the message has to come from home too.

Thankfully dd has found her tribe in secondary school and things are vastly better for her now.

I don't actually get that involved. Our rule is same number of kids at party as age of child. So last year DS was 8 and invited 7 kids.

He told me the list of names. I wrote the invites and put them in his bag.

I couldn't tell you who was who. No idea whether the kids were naughty or had special needs and I would be pressed to repeat the names of those invited and whether they were the same kids who invited DS back.

It isn't meanness on my part, I am just not that across what other kid's stories are.

but you should get involved! and teach your children how to be kind and inclusive.

@Penisbeakerismyfavethread
Exactly my feelings. Well said.
SEN or Non SEN I am always surprised when people say they don’t know who the not included kids are. You don’t need to see a diagnosis or a support teacher , yes those are for the obvious ones.... but when you are asking your little darlings who would they like to the party and they say “little Tom is naughty and nobody likes him” and you don’t invite him ...and then you see other mums shush about social events when Tom’s Mum is around because they don’t want her to know or be upset (as if!) then you know who they are and you are too busy or not bothered or interested to know how they are going to feel when you exclude them too. then you are excluding them. As I say up thread at my sons school the mums would stay. It was a lovely community feeling. It helps teenage years ... as not only the naughty or SEN are excluded but the shy too. So why don’t you add a couple of red herrings to your party guest list and who knows.. you might make a new friend or you can just make somebody extremely happy.
I always did by the way. And I am so proud of how considerate and sensitive my DS has grown. And I am still friends with one of the mums and our kids never played with each other! Not even now that they are at the same secondary school

We do whole class parties in reception and year 1, our 3 DC then just chose 15 or so children they wanted to invite, plus a couple of reserves.

With DC2 and 3 I had no input on the names at all. I just invited the children they wrote down. I insisted DS1 invited one particular child as his mum used to get upset if he was not invited.

My mum isn't perfect but she did parties right, imo. She asked me who I wanted to invite and then she subtly asked my class teacher which kids hadn't had many party invites that year (I'm a summer birthday) and we would invite them as well. Obviously I didn't realise that's why she was doing it - she'd tell me she was friends with their mums or something, and I would never have made it obvious I hadn't wanted to invite them (my mum would have throttled me, for a start!) so I like to think they didn't know. I hope not, anyway. It was the same two or three kids each year and it encouraged a sort of friendship between us that carried on at school.

I'm already dreading the whole thing with my daughter. The idea of nobody turning up to her party breaks my heart and she's not even one yet!

@ peachgreen
Cross post but I so loved the idea! Bravo to your mum

@shawshanksredemption
It varies by year group if I’m honest

Foundation: not fixed but we talk about our bodies and brains (thinking) and hearts (feelings) a lot and explain that they are all different. Particularly when kids ask questions in things like PE - for example “why do S and T hold your hands when we do running?” We explain S’s body is a little bit different to ours, she has something called cerebral palsy and running is hard then we say T’s Brain is a little bit different to ours he has something called autism and sometimes when we are all noisey in PE it can make him want to run away so he holds my hand to keep safe.
Or when we are doing free play “why does J always sit in the reading corner?” Do you remember when we talked about autism? J has autism too but because everyone is different he doesn’t need to hold hands in PE but he thinks it is quite big and loud and scary when we all play with everything so he likes to be quiet in the reading corner because it makes him feel safe.

KS1: follow up any Qs as did in eyfs but have 2 short PHSE sessions where we talk about how we all feel as a group, and write or draw how we feel, and can come up and have a chat if they need to
We also do a topic called different but the same where we explore ethnicity and culture as well as physical needs, LDs ans SEMH issues.

Ks2: sessions as in KS1 (I don’t deliver to KS2 but I think that upper KS2 look at how to include people with different needs and there is a bit with a school nurse about mental health and self harm.

KS3: Proper in depth MH units - breaking stigma its okay to feel any way you want etc. Lessons 1.5 h 1x week

KS4&5: timetable collapse 1x term open access PHSE resources delivered 3 x a week in tutor time which is 30m - students can decide either by a vote or through an anon suggestions box or an anon email.

Can fill in more but v tired.

Urgh, and now we have the inevitable "I only do small parties of 5, and I don't call the other 25 children horrible... blah blah blah". RTFT - no one is saying that

Urgh. People are literally saying that. Even the OP is talking about inviting around a third of the class, which is more than 5 but hardly excluding one person blah blah blah.

That just sucks and is a set up for the brilliant CF stories to come.., 20 years from now...:

"Am I being unreasonable to be upset for my husband, he is a quiet man, sporty and very kind, he works in a small team of 6, his colleagues Oscar & Tarquinius have organised a work weekend golfing, he is the only one not be invited........."

It's really not. Not inviting 18 out of 30 children when the person (the parent) doing the inviting probably couldn't pick 90% of them out of a line up and the host has to take actual responsibility for and look after the guest, who is a small child, is not the same as not inviting 1adult out of 5 who you spend 8 hours a day in the same room as. Besides, I am that quiet person. My ds1 is that quiet person. We don't get invited to tons of parties because we have small social circles with 'few and true' friends. If I don't get invited to something my first thought is not that people are shits because that would be ridiculous and narcissistic and paranoid. Other people in my life (DP, Dsis) get invited to lots of things because they are social butterflies with zillions of friends. We're allowed to be quiet. We are allowed to have different personalities and enjoy different things, including our own, small, quiet "parties" with guests in single figures. I wouldn't do anything socially if I was obliged to have the world and his wife at it and nor would my ds.

EwItsAHooman ds had the piss taken out of him by a magician at a party when he was about 6 and a decade later I'm still outraged by it. Baffling that there are grown men spending their Saturdays doing this. It was one of the first parties where he'd actually got off my knee and went to sit with the other kids and I swear the bastard picked up that he was a bit nervous and on the outside and singled him out.