...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

When I was younger my mum did whole class parties on my 5th, 10th and 13th birthdays, every other year I was offered either a handful of friends or a a big family day out.

I threw my DD a whole class party for her 5th birthday and I can tell you I will be following in my mother's footsteps and will not be doing it every year, it was ridiculous and expensive

I agree with the all or few rule but there is no obligation to invite everyone, my DD hasn't been invited to a few parties but she soon forgets about it.

Unless the child is specifically being told they can't come for mean reasons I don't see a problem.

I think it's all well telling them not to care but when it's a just 4yo. And exhausted from school, and the other kids are winding them up saying they havent been invited.
Some kids whilst techically having no (diagnosed) SEN do overreact to stuff. In yr r we had meltdowns at parties because
-it was time to leave (more than once)

• mummy let go of the helium balloon whilst putting shoes back on
• getting upset about not winning the party games.

Experience of parties has calmed this down quite a lot.

Of course Aug kids dont end up with anyone at their party though as they are on holiday or forget etc.
But it's true being later is a bit of an advantage party wise as you see who has invited you and what a good venue is.

Behaviour can be an issue and I usually accompanied DS to the whole-class parties, it's not fair on the host parents to have to supervise children who - for whatever reason - might become anxious, argumentative, or even get into fights (beyond normal DC behaviour that is). I think until about Y2 we mostly all stayed anyway - and after that the whole-class thing started to dwindle. But I still stayed - however no parents ever asked me to or made the invitation conditional. (I did leave him twice when the parents were teachers/nursery school staff - and were happy to manage any issues that might arise).

I do think that it's unkind and unnecessary to exclude any child in the first few years of school - I don't think anyone had a selective party until about Yr 2 or 3 but prior to that most people just hired the village hall. Some had a bouncy thing or even a magician depending on funds, but it can be cheap as chips if you do your own food and just have a bit of music and games. KS1 kids really don't need the costly stuff that older kids want (cinema, laserquest), and although some Mums may prefer a 'tea for four' at home at that age, most went the whole hog at our school (small school, one class per year max, everyone knows everyone). I guess it may be different at bigger schools with friends in different classes, though.

It's horrible reading so many parents with the attitude ''being invited to parties isn't an entitlement' and 'why should I encourage my child to invite people they are not friendly with' etc. You should encourage them to do this because it teaches your child kindness, empathy, inclusiveness and a sense that other people's feelings matter too.
I'm not saying people have to throw a party for the whole class, but parents should be more mindful that they are not excluding a minority that is repeatedly left out of being invited to parties (which is what this thread was initially about).
No wonder there is so much bullying in schools if this is the mentality of some parents. How sad.

I think one of the issues is, after reception a lot of parents drop and run. Even without any naughty ones or the SEN ones it’s bloody daunting trying to keep 30 odd 5/6 years olds safe as a parent when you are trying to do parth food etc. I have done a class party for preschool and reception and it cost loads and was exhausting. And actually by the time cousins and all the siblings come you are looking at well over 40 kids all who want party bags etc.

This time DD asked to do an activity which is £20 a head. And only takes bookings of multiples of 5. So we said 10 people including her. I am feeling worried about one little girl who hasn’t been invited. But of a class of 30, 20 haven’t been, and I have to draw a line somewhere or it will be £600 which is not realistic for my budget.
DD did want an activity that I knew a few kids couldn’t be able to do, so I said no to that as I didn’t want them to miss out. But I have been worrying for weeks about what’s the right thing to do, within budget and where I don’t have to be responsible for 30 kids. I just want DD to have a fun birthday and for me to enjoy it too! All these politics drive me crazy.

How on Earth as a busy parent who doesn't do school runs are you supposed to know or be aware of children not invited to parties?
I just wouldn't know. I do think it's parents getting worked up about nothing. If dd has a party I tell her how many she can invite, teacher gives them out - I don't think this is done with much fanfare. Party happens, done and then it's forgotten. My dd has lots of friends out of school due to dance and swimming so she just doesn't get bothered by these things. Maybe doing more activities is something OP could try. It is just life though, you can't be friends with everyone.

We hold parties in my department as some of our kids have never had an invite to a party

Lovely idea. How sad that it's required

Yes so depressing all the

«It’s normal»
«It’s part of life»

Yep. As parents of SEN kids already know, and this thread is showing It’s certainly normal for SEN kids to be left out :-(

Thanks for perpetuating this :-(

Scarletjo. It's easy enough to make sure you are not inviting a majority of a class and leaving a small minority out. You can also speak to your child and/or their teacher to find out if there are any children who tend to get left out of these things.

I invite DD's good friends and anyone else whose party she has attended. Tbh, I'm looking forward to when she gets older and can just go for a pizza or to the cinema with a few close friends. The whole thing is expensive - having and attending parties.

Like I said. I don't get chance to speak to teacher as I don't have the luxury of doing the school run. It's dd's birthday she picks 10 of her friends. There's 30 in a class. You can't have everybody as it's too expensive. If it's your birthday you should be able to have who you want there as it's 'your day'. If my dd didn't get invites I would be happy I didn't have to sit through a party tbh. It's no big deal.

If you have lived somewhere for years and have tons of friends and relatives living close by, spare a thought for those in different circumstances - we moved miles away from our family and friends network because of DHs job and things like party invites became more important as there weren't loads of opportunities for DD, an only child, to mix out of school. Obviously we worked hard to try to help DD to mix and make friends including having big birthday parties and hoped like mad that people would reciprocate...some did but many didn't.

It’s ok not to invite the whole class. It’s not ok to leave just one or two out. Deliberately.
The happened to one kid for every party in DSD’s class until year 3. The kid was known as ‘Naughty X’. No SEN, but the poor kid had a crappy home life (parents in and out of prison, which didn’t fit with the naice pushy upper middle class demographic). This kid had no exposure to ‘normal’ family life, no idea how to behave, and then was punished for it by being excluded from parties. Bastard parents. (And however people might like to justify it, in Recetion/year 1 it IS the parents.)
You don’t know someone’s home life. Don’t be that cunty parent who deliberately leaves out one kid.

That said if I was doing a big party I wouldn't invite 29. That would be mean.

Before I start I’d just like to say DS1 went through the whole of primary being the only one in the class not invited to parties. It broke my heart. But If you had a party for a special birthday would you invite every cockwomble in the office or just the people you liked plus other friends and family? I would never force my children to invite people they didn’t like or bullied them. My budget probs wouldn’t stretch to 32-36 children anyway. They need to get used to this is life. SEN children are a different story and I would never invite most of the class and leave 1 or two out, I would just downscale to a few friends.

Honestly, I really don't care why a child is naughty, or mean, or disruptive when it comes to birthday parties.
An adult may steal from you, hit you, or mistreat you because they have mental or emotional issues that are not their fault. They may not be able to help it. Would you invite them to your birthday? No, I bet you wouldn't. Because even if they have good reason to behave badly, that doesn't mean you should have to be treated badly, or spend time with people who make you feel unhappy at your birthday celebration.
In day to day life at school, I encourage my children to be kind, inclusive, to have strong boundaries but also think about why a child hit/pushed/was rude to them (and that it might not be the child's fault, but that they might have difficulties that make them act out,) and to always give children who were mean to them a second chance if the other children have changed their behaviour.
But that kindness and inclusion at school doesn't have to extend into their personal life, imo.

Scarletjo, if you have invited a 10 out of 30 then you have invited a minority of your daughters class. It's when people invite the majority and leave a handful of children out that is mean and unfair.
My daughter wanted a pizza takeaway and movie night for her 9th birthday party and she was allowed to invite 6 girls from her year of 20 plus girls (I didn't have the space or money for everyone). However, I did ask her if there was anyone in her specific class who doesn't get included in things or is left out of play etc. There wasn't (luckily she attends a very inclusive school) but if there was I would have made sure we had an extra place to invite that child. Just talking about this with my child helped her to understand about how important it is to make sure people aren't left out of things and I regularly encourage her to include new people etc. in her friend group. I hope that these kind of discussions are helping her to grow into a kind a compassionate person.

Exactly numberonecook
You don’t want to invite a particular child, that’s fine, but you downscale the party. It’s a simple choice.
Anyone who tries to justify leaving out just one child is a million times worse than the child they’re excluding.

@sozzler there’s a difference between being friendly and being friends. I teach my child to be kind and friendly. I also teach him that it’s ok to feel closer to some people than others and have friends.

There was a child with behavioural problems at my son’s preschool. He used to punch, bite , kick the other kids. Unsurprisingly they didn’t want to hang out with him and there’s no way I would have invited him to my son’s birthday. To confirm I’ve never had whole class parties. If I had I would never have left him out but would have told his mum to keep an eye on his shitty behaviour.

Strongmummy hopefully without using the word ‘shitty’. Chances are his mum knows about his behaviour, and maybe (possibly) doesn’t care or more likely is mortified/devastated by it. Behavioural problems in small children don’t just exist for no reason.

But that kindness and inclusion at school doesn't have to extend into their personal life, imo.
You sound nice.

@lifeinplastic, I was being flippant and yes his mum knew about the behaviour and was working with the school. However To be blunt it’s not my issue, it’s hers to deal with and sort out at his parent. My job is to protect my child and after seeing her son punch my son in the face twice in front of me, there’s a good reason as to why my son didn’t like him and other kids were scared of him.

We're not talking about adults though are we. We're talking about children who are being excluded from parties that their peers are being invited to and it makes me feel so sad seeing people trying to justify this. Personally, if I was throwing a whole class party then I would invite everyone, no matter how 'naughty' or 'bad' the child's behaviour. There would be adults there to monitor how children were interacting and to intervene if necessary. Makes me so sad to think parents are encouraging exclusion in this way

going against the grain here: it is ok to exclude one child if his behaviour won't be managed by their parents. its not ok if there is somebody at hand.
Violent boy from my earlier post: he will not get invited. his homelife is shitty (they live a couple of houses down the road), his parents don't care. at school he's managed reasonably well by his 1-1. outsude school he's a terror. at halloween, he runs other kids over with his scooter and strals their sweets, i've seen him with a knife (he's 6!!) and he's accused our eldery neighbour of hitting him (neighbor is mid 90s and can barely walk to his front door - not a chance he could hit anybody, he would fall down when letting go of a crutch). no way he gets invited!

Reading this thread makes me so thankful that my 10 year old grandson, who has autism, has had a fabulous group of friends all through school and is always included at parties, whether a large party or a group of boys being taken out somewhere. It must be heartbreaking if someone is excluded solely because of SEN.