...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

I think dd also has to work harder physically to keep up. (She is summer born and only average size but may have asthma).
It's true the tiredness leads to meltdowns and aggression etc. And it's not immediate so not as obvious that it is that. It can cause tiredness the next day (s)
Possibly starting school so young also does some this disservice because it's all so physical at playtime and everyone can be such different sizes.

My daughter invites only the children that she is friends with. And she knows that she shouldnt expect an invite from a classmate with who she isnt talking. Its her bday and her choice who will come. Its her day and im not gonna force her to invite children she doesnt like. The same with adults , im not gonna invite all of my work colleagues just because.

It's very normal to just invite a group of a number that suits your party. My son is having his party soon and has been told he can invite 11 kids. I don't take offence if he isn't invited to others and I wouldn't expect people to be offended if they didn't get an invite to his. I wouldn't however let him invite everyone except one person. I think it's unreasonable to expect people to change the type of party just so that they can invite everyone. Quite frankly it's their party so their choice!

We have 3 Reception classes at my sons school so there’s no way we could invite ALL 90 or so of them. I’d never say girls OR boys as he has friends who are both. I set a number limit depending on the party venue and try to invite the ones I know he actually plays with. Inevitably this may lead to some parents feeling they have been excluded but it’s more that they just haven’t been included because DS doesn’t really know their kid.

I'm a grandmother and I can remember with my children that it started off with the whole class and then they want different kinds of parties that are only really suitable for a handful of children. I also had twins at two different schools, so one year we had a tent in the garden and one weekend my son had his six friends sleep in the tent and then the next week my daughter had hers. I can remember saying to my husband about my eldest daughter 'I'm really worried, she doesn't seem to have any friends' - then six months later she had loads. I'm afraid its life and I know adults today who feel upset when they've not been invited to parties! If you've got the money and can invite everyone do it but remember that not everyone might be as affluent as you.

My son wasn't invited to most of the primary parties (he has ASD but was never naughty just not liked by the other boys). I gave up being upset about it pretty quickly. Nothing you can do really.

I was a bit SEN and can only think of one non whole class party I was invited to, TBH there were probably a couple more. This one stands out as my only real friend as the time who was a bit less of a looser than I was told he wasn’t invited so there was space for me and I never get invited. So nice to be told that... but I still remember that Matthew made that gesture. I don’t think everyone needs to be invited to everything but I would encourage parents to encourage their child to save a space for someone who doesn’t get invited often who would love it, you’d be teaching them empathy and it’s a good skill to have.

I used to cajole my DD into inviting all the girls in her class. But actually she prefered some of the boys to some of the girls.
DS1 I let him choose who he invites. 13 kids in his year, none with SEN. He invited 10 of the 13. He did not invite the boy who intimidates and bullies him nor 2 of the girls who are bossy and exclude other kids.
Should a 5 year old be forced to invite people they don't like?
We are friendly with another family who have 2 kids withSEN and frequently have them over for play dates without issue (their mum stays with them and we have a chat). But one did gatecrash a party his sister was invited to and started kicking his sister. Father of birthday girl had to physically pull him off her and drag him out. Party girl's parents had a massive row with each other and party girl no longer had parties (too stressful).
So parties are fraught...

I don’t think your being unreasonable at all, it’s different when they’re older and they can choose who they want but when it’s the parents being picky and influencing their children to exclude others it really makes my blood boil! Some of the mothers never got passed the playground mentality themselves it seems. We’ve got a family acquaintance (I won’t say friend because I can’t stand her) who is a real social climber!! She invites kids to her child’s party she barely knows, and we all know it’s becayse she’s desperate to befriend the mothers (all the local wag wannabes)

One year DD invited the whole class and it was very sweet - some of the boys who don't get many invites came and had a good time. But we did insist the parents Stat for the party ;-)

My DD wanted a specific party which was at a soft play place for her party in yr1 and the room could only hold a max of 12 children so she invited 11 children of her choice. However there was a mix of boys and girls so it wasn’t like all of the girls went except two or anything. It was a mixture of just over a third of the class as there’s 28 in her class. She had the party she wanted at a budget I could afford and invited the children she wanted. That’s fairly normal. My children also don’t have a party every year. It’s more like every three years so some years my children don’t invite anyone to a party.

I wouldnt want to teach my child to invite children they dont like and who are naughty - that they can come to our home. No thanks. Whywpupd anybody want to invite the whole class?? Parties are supposed to be fun and spent with people you like

These were my rules- no parties until the children started school. Been to many preschool parties over the years which seem more for the adults. First two to three years everyone in the class, no exceptions (30 kids). A lot of other parents did this too. Next couple of years, all the girls. Since year 4, her closer friends which are no more than about 7 or 8 altogether - this would be half the girls in the class. I understand about finances etc but I feel better knowing that we have not left anyone out. I've even sent in party bags for children who couldn't make it. I feel it evens out as we didn't have parties early on and we are not extravagant with presents. One year we bought our eldest nothing as she was getting enough presents off the others.

The only time I've heard of whole class parties is at my friends kids private schools. Never in mainstream.

Yabu. My son is in reception and I’m not inviting the whole class. I’ve had 2 massive parties for him and I can’t do it again; it’s exhausting. He’ll invite 10 friends , some who he’s at school with some who aren’t. You can’t expect to be invited to everything. The sooner you learn this the better

When DD was younger my 'guideline' was to have less than half of a significant group (class, all girls, all boys, friendship group, etc) or all.

So class of 30 - invite 15 or fewer, or whole class
Class of 14 girls - invite 7 or fewer of the girls, or all of them.
10 in friendship group - invite 5 or fewer, or all of them.

Always seemed a reasonable guide, and you don't end up with just one or two left out.

Never in mainstream.

I work in a mainstream infants school. Plenty have whole class parties here.

Surely it's down to the child and mother who gets invited. Just because a child is in that class it doesn't give you a right to be invited to their party I'm afraid.

When my daughter was 10 she wanted to invite 10 children to her party, five boys and five girls. This meant leaving out two pretty good girlfriends. I didn't really agree with this and tried to talk her out of it, but she was adamant and her dad said it was her party and it was up to her. One mum, of a girl who wasn't invited called me up and had a right go at me (but said nothing to my partner, even though he did most of the school drop offs and had chatted to her about it!!) I felt terrible, but it was my daughters decision. And in earlier years I would never invite almost all the class and leave just two or three out

We’re having a class party, although my DC birthdays are a day apart so it will be a two class party. I’ve just found it easier to hire a room and a dj and do a buffet. Live up north though so relatively cheap.

I don’t see any harm in inviting a group of friends rather than the whole class. There are 30 to a class here so if, say, 15 were invited then no drama. However, if 25 were invited I agree it’s a shitty thing to do. I would never force my DC to be friends with someone they didn’t get on with but if it came down to leaving out a small group of children then I would either reduce the party number or invite them all.

Maybe some of the same children get excluded because they are little sods who cant behave and spoil the party for others so the child whose party it is doesnt want them or the parent doesnt want them. Fair enough. It is not a RIGHT to be invited to every party. Children have friendship groups who they want to invite, its not a class trip

When my DS was having his Y2 party, he wanted to have it at home, and Small. So invited 4/8 boys in his class, and 2/6 girls, and 2 boys from the other class (small classes). It caused no end of problems with one of the non-invited boys (or at least, his mum). So in Y3 he invited no girls, 6/8 boys in his class and 2 from the other class, total 8 kids. Again, caused big problems. In retrospect I should have just had a whole-class party, or a treat with just a couple of close mates.

This debate comes up again and again on MN, and the people supporting the situation always bleat on virtuously that it's just the mean children not asked; it's the "little sods".

Funny, that. Because every single parent with a child with additional needs seems to find their child is commonly excluded, and says so, and yet that statement is conveniently ignored.

Sure, don't ask bullies. But in my experience, as a parent and as a child, the bullies are top of the invite list, because they also tend to be the popular ones, and would no more have been excluded than pigs would fly. Apart from anything else, the repercussions of excluding them would have been awful. It was the oddballs, the lonely, and the disabled who were left out. And it's really interesting how many people refuse to admit that is even a possibility on here.

I should add we were very discrete about invites (email not handed out at gates) and explaining that not everyone could be invited as we have a small house so please keep it under your hat etc, but it always leaks out.

Yep, my son is autistic and has been to parties I can count on one hand. We have both accepted he doesn't get invited. Sad for him as he is really sociable, kind, loving and friendly boy. I have to take him through reception in the morning and he leaves early so I guess I miss all the school gate/ party politics. I have a lot of love for the parents that stop to ask if I am ok instead of looking away when they see me. And for their kids that accept him, play with him, support him when he is not ok and maybe even invite him to their party, but if they don't we are cool with that as he is used to it!